The living room was plunged in semi-darkness, with only the television brightening it. A film played in the background, the only source of light, but Jake paid it no heed whatsoever. Instead, his attention was focused on his brother, who was sleeping soundly on the couch, his head resting on his thighs. Jake's lips curled into a faint smile as he stretched a hand and ran his fingers through Tristan's hair. It'd grown quite a bit since his brain surgery. Although it was still relatively short and had a long way to go before returning to its former glory, it'd grown enough to allow Jake to fiddle with a few strands. Times sure flies;it's already been almost three months since then, huh? Thus far, there had been no sign of side effects from the removal of the tumor. In fact, his brother admitted not too long ago that he felt alive once again without the migraines trying to squeeze his brain out of his skull.
"Tristan must have been exhausted," Stephan hummed, drawing Jake's attention to his left. The man grinned, his heterochromatic eyes sparkling with mischief as he added, "He didn't even try to chase me away before falling asleep."
Jake's response was a deadpan glance. His brother did his best not to show his possessive side and accept Stephan's presence, but Jake could tell Tristan was jealous and would rather keep his brothers to himself. Stephan, too, knew, and the annoying jerk loved to tease the boy about it. He's courting death. The thought popped into his mind, hovering for an instant before Jake pushed it away. Tristan was nothing like the Tristan of his previous lives. At most, he'd spit out some snarky remarks, but he wouldn't go as far as to torment the man. Regardless, a snort left him as Jake replied, "One day, your teasing habits are going to bite you back in the ass, and I'm not going to take your side when that happens."
Stephan shrugged, his soft chuckle breaking through the background noise. Silence fell between them, although not for long, as Stephan seemed to have a lot on his mind. "Where do you think Misha and Gabriel went on a date, by the way?"
"How would I know?" Jake rolled his eye, his hand still stroking Tristan's head, the motion slow and careful. "I don't discuss love matters with my brother—."
No, that's not true. Jake stopped mid-sentence. They had talked about it just this morning before parting way. A few hours ago, Gabriel urged him to invite Stephan over, and while Jake mused over the idea, the man decided to follow them home anyway, saying his father had a new lover, and he didn't want to be a third wheel during Christmas. It was awkward according to him. As if that guy could feel shame. But that bit, Jake didn't voice it aloud. He let Stephan climb into the car and kept quiet as he tagged along upstairs to his apartment, sticking to him like his shadow. Even now, he still stayed close, sitting barely an inch away from him.
"Hm, Jake?" Stephan tilted his head, his voice soft. "Is something the matter?"
"No, it's nothing," Jake grunted through gritted teeth, his brother's words reverberated into his head like some sort of curse. Don't you think it'd make a great Christmas gift, though? Perhaps. Only, that meant breaking the statue quo he'd grown comfortable with. His lips pinched as Jake brought his free hand to his neck and rubbed his unblemished throat. Since Angela's death, there had been no need to pretend to be in a relationship with Stephan. The last time the man had planted kisses on his neck and left trails of hickeys was already two months ago. Am I missing it? Jake wasn't sure.
At the memory of Stephan's warm lips, his skin seemed to prickle. Jake could feel his heartbeat pulse under his fingers as time seemed to pass slowly. At some point, he got lost in thoughts, questioning whether to bring up the subject. Even if he didn't admit it aloud, deep down, he knew he was taking Stephan for granted. The man was always by his side, always accommodating his whims and workaholic habits. It'd become natural to have him close, and when he wasn't, his absence left a strange emptiness hanging in the air.
Something in his chest felt heavy, constricting his breathing. A sigh, and Jake closed his eye. The image of his wife popped into his mind, a wife whom he could never meet in this life. For an instant, he could see her gentle smile, and her long-forgotten voice echoed in his ears. He couldn't remember how exactly it sounded, yet it seemed to carry that soft tone he had been so familiar with. "Honey, never live in the past, always live in the present, or you might lose sight of what you hold dear now." It was something she had told him after he'd learned of Masha's death in the first timeline, then of Misha's and Gabriel's death a few years later. Somehow, the news had brought a crushing guilt that had left him gasping for air. After escaping his parents' and Tristan's grip, he could have gone to meet with his half-brother and could have done something for him. But he hadn't, and that was despite knowing Camille was a beast donning human skin.
He'd been a coward, too afraid to interact with the brother he had mercilessly chased out of the household, even if that'd been for his own sake. He hadn't been able to face Gabriel back then. It was a regret he'd brought to the grave with him, and it returned along with his past memories. Dying once hadn't been enough to get rid of it.
As for the second timeline… He didn't want to think about it.
"Jake?" Stephan's voice, slightly worried, snapped Jake out of his daze. "The movie is over. Do you want to put Tristan to bed and get some rest? You look tired."
The room had grown darker now that only the credits rolled on the screen; the white words on black barely did anything to brighten the living room. It made deciphering Stephan's expression harder. Yet, Jake could still see the shadow of a tender smile.
How long are you going to make him wait? A gnawing voice intruded into his thoughts. Jake had never given Stephan an answer. It wasn't as if the man had properly confessed, either. Even so, despite his high libido and the promiscuous life he had lived before they got to know each other better, Stephan hadn't had a single fling for the past few years. Well, seeing how he's always stuck to my side when he's not working, it makes it rather difficult for him to get into someone else's bed behind my back. While silently dissing Stephan, Jake played with Tristan's hair, his lips still stretched into a taut line.
If he had no intention of responding to Stephan's advance, he should be clear about it. And if he did intent of responding to it, then he should be honest about it, too. The thing was, Jake was wavering between the two options, unsure about which he wanted.
"Perhaps we shouldn't have gone to bed past the wee hours last night," Stephan offered a perch, like always. "If you're too tired, I can tuck Tristan in bed for you, no worries. The kid's still light like a feather—!"
"Stephan," Jake cut the man's ramblings short. Stephan arched an eyebrow, but straightened his back. Whenever Jake spoke, the man perked up his ears as if his words were akin to an oracle from the Heavens, or something along those lines. Jake parted his lips, but the words lingered on the tip of his tongue. He could hear his heartbeat drum at his temples. When he finally managed to force the words out, the credits ended, and the living room grew even darker, with only a small ray of moonlight passing through the window, preventing him from seeing Stephan's face clearly. "There's something I have to make crystal clear with you." Jake paused, but not long enough to allow Stephan to speak. "Even if the memories of my past lives aren't exactly mine, I can't forget what has happened in those two lives—not my children, and not my wife. I've spent too many decades with them."
"Yes, I know," Stephan hummed. "It shows in the way… Never mind."
—In the way I treat Tristan, isn't it? Jake completed the man's sentence in his head. He knew it was wrong, yet Jake couldn't help but treat Tristan as if he was one of his sons. His brother might have realized it by now, but he hadn't said anything about it. Instead, he silently played along. But that wasn't why Jake had brought up his children and wife.
"It's hard to forget an old flame," Jake continued. Even if he hadn't met Elizabeth in this life, her shadow still haunted his nights. Her smile, her kind words, her gentle yet firm demeanor; he couldn't forget them. Decades spent together with someone couldn't be erased with the snap of a finger. It'd been years since his memories had returned to him, and sometimes it felt as though it'd only been a day. A deep sigh, and Jake finally mustered the courage to ask, "Does that change how you feel about me?"
Silence. His heartbeat seemed to drum louder in his ears as Jake waited for an answer. Time ticked slower until a soft chuckle resounded. "We've known each other for years; don't you think I've noticed your lingering feelings by now?" Jake stiffened. Of course, Stephan had. Despite behaving like a clown, he was actually observant and could pick up the faintest cue. "Let me also make something crystal clear; I have no intention of replacing your wife, much less tell you to forget about her. She was a big part of your life and, most of all, your savior. She's the reason you are who you are today, and it's something I'll be forever grateful for. Although I admit, I might be a little jealous. I'd have liked to be the one by your side during your hard time, but, well." Stephan giggled, breaking the tense atmosphere. "I was kinda incarcerated at the time, so it's not like I could have done much."
"It's your fault for not keeping your dick in your pants," Jake scoffed. "It was such an obvious trap, and yet, somehow, your oblivious ass fell headfirst into it." Another scoff. "Well, I guess you could only think with your lower half back then, huh?"
"I can't deny that," Stephan chortled, not embarrassed in the least. "Anyway, to answer your question, no, it doesn't change anything, as it's a part of you I'm terribly fond of. Don't worry so much about it and, please, don't feel guilty about it, either. It's natural to love various people throughout your life and hold onto these feelings. We're humans, not machines."
"I'm not feeling guilty about it," Jake snapped back.
"Then why bring it up at all?" Stephan pointed out, leaning closer until his nose almost brushed against Jake's. With him so close, Jake could now clearly see the mirth swirling in those intricate, mesmerizing eyes. "What's wrong with you today? You've been daydreaming since this morning. Did Gabriel say something weird?"
"I'm not daydreaming," Jake refuted, but didn't push the man away. He pretended not to have heard the teasing tone and avoided the subject of his brother altogether. It didn't prevent Stephan from probing further.
"Oh, really?" Stephan chuckled. "Then why haven't I seen a single report in your hands today? If you haven't noticed yet, you haven't talked about work a single time, either."
"I'm not that much of a workaholic." This time, the refutation was weaker. "It's the holidays, anyway. Things have calmed down at work."
"Huh-uh."
Alright, even I don't buy that excuse. Jake sighed before eying his sleeping brother. He hadn't been talking loudly for fear of waking him up, and Stephan had been following along, talking in a low voice. It gave it a somehow alluring touch.
"You're in my personal space," Jake ultimately grunted before shifting his attention back to Stephan. The man's warm breath brushed against his lips. "How about leaning back a bit?"
A second of silence, then a faint, resigned sigh. "Sure."
Jake watched from the corner of his eye as Stephan slouched back. It's always like this. Whenever Jake used a certain tone of voice, Stephan wouldn't push the matter further and would stop pestering him. He knew not to go overboard and respected his boundaries.
Something throbbed in his chest as Jake stood up, cradling Tristan into his arms. Again, he glanced at Stephan, who responded with his usual smile.
"Let me tuck Tristan in his bed, then we can continue the discussion in my room."
Perhaps Jake turned around too fast; perhaps the words were muttered too low. Either way, he didn't dare to meet Stephan's eyes after his smile slipped away. He had rarely, if ever, seen the man genuinely stunned. For an instant, Jake surprised himself thinking that Stephan's befuddled expression looked rather cute.