"I'm sorry, I gotta go." he said. But to whom? To me or the airhostess? I got my answer when the line got disconnected. I look up from the phone to find everyone looking at me with curious eyes.
"He's gone." I say and hand over the phone to Venessa. I ask for David to find me some water and find a place to sit. To tell you the truth loving someone is funny. It makes you feel things you never knew you were capable of feeling. It makes you be genuinely be happy for the other person even when your own heart is shattering. Am I sad that he is gone? Am I angry and broken that he didn't chose me? Yes.
And yet, there is a relief inside me. A joy inside me. I am happy that he is moving on. He is chosing himself, finally. He is finally getting the space he needs to figure out himself. Figure out what he wants, who he wants. Maybe the true meaning of love is to let go. Maybe someday I meet him again, under different circumstances. Maybe we won't. It is more likely that we won't, at least, I would avoid meeting him at all costs after Beany is born. Can't put my child on that rollercoaster of emotions. I continue to stare in the distance, lost in my own thoughts when a figure appears in front of me and I see the water bottle appear. I grab the bottle and turn to face the figure. My breath hitches in my throat when I see him.
Am I dreaming? I lift my head to find Nathan find standing there handing me the water bottle, looking back at me with concern all over his face.
"Is it really you?" I stand up and touch his arm making sure my pregnant brain is not playing jokes on me. My fingers jolt away as I feel him in the flesh.
"Yes, its me. What are you doing here, darling? You should be resting." He takes my hands and makes me sit down again and sits beside me. He takes a few shaky breathes as if preparing himself for the conversation. For some reason he refuses to look at me.
"I thought you...the plane..." I ask him out of confusion.
"I stopped it. Its a private jet, I can deboard whenever I want."
"You hung up."
"Because I had to deboard. April, what are you doing here? You should be home, resting."
What am I doing here? More importantly, what is he doing here? Why did he deboard? Just because I asked him to? What does it say about him? His feelings? I am afraid to ask. I am afraid to know the answer. I try to swallow down the fear but it didn't work. A few seconds ago I was ready to let him go but now...Now he is here and I am afraid to lose him again. If he says that he doesn't have the same feelings, I feel like I will melt into a puddle in the middle of this airport. I cannot take his no. I am not ready for this answer.
"April?" he finally looks at me and his green eyes meet mine. Suddenly everything faded, inlcuding all the feelings of hesistation and I was alive again.
"Nathan, I...I love you." I finally stutter out those words. The words I wanted to say since eternity now. For several seconds he just sat there staring at me with his lips parted. His eyes did not leave mine but he did not say them back. I sigh and try to swallow the hard truth. "I understand if you don't feel the same..."
"April, I cannot..." He looks away from me, "I cannot even think of saying those words back after what I have put you through. You lost a child becasue of me. Our child. Granted I knew you didn't want to keep it but it was your choice. My actions, my recklessness took that choice away from you. I..." He choked on his words as I see his eyes brimming with tears, "I can never forgive myself for what I have put you through." He says as tears roll down his eyes.
I get up and stand in front of him. He looks up at me as I take his hands and keep them on belly.
"What..." he trails off in confusion.
"I didn't lose the child. My mother lied to you because she thought she was protecting me. Our child is happy and healthy." Nathan kept staring at my belly for a long time, then looked up to meet my eyes. His eyes were glistening with tears of joy. Color rushed to his face again and he could feel him coming back to life. I knew how much he wanted this child. His child. I give him a small smile, "And I lied to you as well. I was always going to keep the child, I just did not want Alyssa in my child's life. So I guess I was protecting him from you and her." I explain. Nathan eyebrows furrow a little and he is still staring at my belly, unable to form words.
Seconds pass by as he says nothing. I keep telling myself that it is okay, that I should give him a minute to process everything but the wait of the silence is too much for me. He still hasn't told me he loves me. He has not reciprocated. I know he loves the baby but a part of me also wants to hear that he loves me too.
"Nathan, say something." I push him a little.
"I..." He starts and I stare back at him intently, "Thank you so much." He gets up and hugs me. He didn't say it. There is a thud in my chest. I enclose my arms around him mechanically. He didn't say them back. Tears roll down my eyes as I try to accept the situation. Letting out a shaking breath, I break the hug and wipe my tears.
"Nathan," I try to say but choke on my tears. I drink water from the bottle in my hand and try to stablise my emotions but I am too overwhelmed. Tears keep falling from my eyes as I sit down again. He did not say them, my inner voice kept repeating. He did not feel what I feel. Suddenly, a sharp pain pulsates through my head. I grab my temples and let out a groan.
"April, what happened?" Nathan rushes to comfort me but I push him away, "David get the car!" he yells and lifts me up in his arms. I close my eyes and the next thing I know, I am lying in the backseat of the car.
"We should take her home," I hear David say, "The stress is not good for her."
"No let's take her to the hospital." Nathan argues.
"They have already discharged her. She needs to go in for a psych evaluation tomorrow. I'm telling you, its just stress, she needs rest..." that is the last thing I hear before losing conciousness.
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When I wake up, I feel so comfortable. I am in my bed, wrapped in my blanket, my head comfortable on my pillow. I stretch my arms and yawn. My body feels lighter, my mind feels free and I feel like I have woken up from an year long nap. I look around and I am in my room at my parent's house. Has this entire year been a dream? It certainly feels like one.
I blink a few times as my brains starts to function again. Has it truly been a dream? Did I never meet Nathan? And then the pain in my knees started to make its presence felt again. I touch my cheek and it is still bruised from Dan slapping me. I look around and there is Nathan sleeping on the chair beside my bed, head hanging low. He stayed. I get up and check the time. It is 3:30 in the morning. What? I slept through the day. Memories start to flood back as I sit up in the bed. Me running to the airport to stop Nathan. Him deboarding. I told him I loved him and he didn't say it back. He was overjoyed after learning our baby is fine. Unconciously, my hand felt my belly. I can feel Beany's presence. I move my other hand but it has something tied to it. I see the ivy tube running beside my bed.
I jump in my bed as I hear beeping sound coming from Nathan's pocket. I see him open his eyes. He rubs his sleepy eyes and turns of the alarm.
"April!" He gasps as he sees me wide wake, sitting in the bed, "You're awake. How do you feel?"
"What are you doing here?" I counter.
"I was worried..." He began to say but trails off as I continue to look at him. He's been ignoring the elephant in the room and I have no energy to smalltalk right now. "Look, I know what you what want me say," He begins, "But I cannot bring myself to say those words."
"Its not about saying them, Nathan, its about feeling them."
"I do feel them," he protests, "I feel them like I have never before. But don't you see? Don't you see what all has happened because of me? You were abducted. Abducted! He could have killed you and our child. After knowing all this. After knowing that I couldn't do anything to protect you. I cannot." He turns his back to me, "When you didn't come home that night, I couldn't breath. Then I got to know it was all my fault and I wanted to kill myself. I have failed you so many times April. I cannot fail you again."
I could feel the guilt in his voice. He blames himself for everything that happened. I realise that the ghost of the past is still haunting us. It is not possible for us to move on like nothing has happened, when whatever has happened has changed the both of us. I was wrong in thinking that I can get my happily everafter with him just like that.
"Nathan, I'm sorry. I don't know why I thought that everything could just go back to normal. I guess, it can't. The best thing we can do right now is give each other some space. I'll stay with my parents."
He doesn't say anything for several minutes, then turns to face me again. "I think you are right." He agrees, "You rest and recover. Take care, love." He bends down to kiss my forehead as my eyes brim with tears. Without looking at me, he leaves.
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Nathan's POV
I jerk forward as the car comes to a halt in the driveway of my home. I tilt my head back and let out a deep exhale. I know she was crying when I left. But I had to leave. I cannot even imagine letting her down again. The guilt has gripped every nerve in my body. Lazily, I get out of the car and enter the house. It's 5:30 in the morning and everyone is asleep. From the corner of my eye, I see a faint light coming from the library. Somebody must have left a lamp on. I enter the library when I see my dad sitting there deep in thought.
"Dad, what are you doing up?" He ask him in surprise.
"I got to know you didn't leave." He says abensent-mindedly. I sigh and look at the clock again. It is too early to discuss business.
"Yeah, April wanted me to stay."
"That girl has more influence over you than I would have ever imagined."
"Dad, please-"
"Sit down, son." He cuts me off and points at the space beside me. I obey, "To tell you the truth, I like her more than anyone knows. She's very unapologetically herself and lives life on her own terms. Kind of reminds me of myself." He says and I look at him with surprise. I guess none of us ever thought about what my dad thinks about April because we never saw them interact. Except for that one time he threatened her and I don't even know the whole story there.
"I notice more than you know, son." he continues, "And I have noticed you around her as well. I know you think that nothing is more important to me then the business but that is not true. You are more important to me. And more than you and Vanessa, Anna is more important to me." A small smile forms on my face as I hear him say it. Of course, I already knew it but it still feels good to hear him say it.
"I know, dad."
"Yes, but what you don't know is that none of this is your fault. It is mine."
"No, it is not your fault. I was the one who found out about Dan and Max and I was the one who turned them in." I protest.
"Makes no difference, son. It was my business. You never wanted to be a part of it. I know you might not understand it and I never wanted you to know the life I had before this. Anna and I were living paycheck to paycheck and everything in life had become about money."
"It was that bad?"
"Yes. But then it got better. And when it did I wanted to grow it even more. I wanted to become the biggest, baddest fish in the sea. That is why this marriage was so important to me. I wanted to control all of it."
"Still, you should not have threatened her."
"I did not threaten her, I just told her what I would do."
"Dad!"
"Fine. I threatened her. But I don't regret it."
"Dad!"
"I don't regret it because of who you became around her. Son, I have watched you grow up, not caring much about things, not value things as much. Of course, you have always been gentle and caring towards the people you love but with her you were someone different. I watched you become a person who empathises, who stays and observes the other person, who looks out for them. I gotta tell you that's a different kind of pride. The woman changed you. And I know this feeling all too well. I changed for your mother. Something fundamentally just settled inside me when I fell in love with her. You have no idea how unbelievably glad I am that you experienced it too."
I sit there registering his words for some seconds. He is right, she did change me for the good. I shake my head and turn to him, "I think its best we give each other space right now. We can coparent the baby-"
"Coparent? Are you two crazy? Why would that even be an option when you love each other? What is going on?"
"Dad, I cannot. Not after what I have put her through."
"Son, this is not on you. This is on me and allow me to finally make up for my mistakes. I started this mess and none of it is on you. Let me fix this for you. Don't let her go and don't put your child through this. Fight for her!"
"You think we can recover from this?"
"Yes, of course. And as a couple you will face all kinds of challenges. Wait, till you become parents, that is when the real test will come." I chuckle at the thought.
"You know, you have never shared these things with me."
"I know, I guess associating with the Greys has changed me too."
"I love you, dad." I shift closer to him.
"I love you too. But now you need to say it to the right person."
"Yeah." I sigh, "I have messed up again."
"Its managable. Get some sleep, visit her in the evening. Give her my best." He taps on shoulder and leaves. I feel lighter after this conversation. Who knew all this would bring me and my dad closer than ever before. I smile and go up to my room, calling it a day.