Dear To All,
It is easy to take the fall. It is easy to find every fault without any context at all. Accountability should never be forgotten. Owning should never be sidelined. The action leads to remorse and repentance. And sometimes, it doesn't.
Because when one problem becomes another, and you're the common denominator, well...what else is there to think? What else is there to believe? If everything keeps coming back down no matter what's touched or done, how can I not think it's me? The years have gone by, doing what can be done to keep peace from escaping. Every reaction, I anticipate. Every facial expression, I analyze. Every chance, I consider. There is no person who can control everything. That does not mean that I cannot control anything.
The inconvenience. The sacrifice. Crossed boundaries. The stress. It's worth it, as I have told myself. It means I'm sane. Unselfish. Unbothered. So helpful. So what if I cry more and more as the days pass? So what if I lash out from reciprocation being selective? From care being selective? From consideration being on the table, but conditional and not out of want? That's what needs to be done. That's what needs to hold up.
To stay up...
To never not be up...
To float and be still...
All just to break apart and die on some huge hill.
Learning and learned carry different weights. Learned means moving on and keeping the lesson with you. Learning means understanding. Means applying. Means practicing until it becomes second nature. Every thought is not mine. Every action is not by me. Every person has their own burdens and sins with them. Helping them overcome does not mean bearing their responsibility. There is no teaching something or someone who does not accept learning. And for me...? I accept learning. Easy, hard, necessary learning.
It is easy to take the fall. It is easy to find every fault without any context at all. Accountability should never be forgotten. Owning should never be sidelined. The action leads to remorse and repentance. And sometimes, it doesn't. I'm taking and owning what is mine, and leaving every bit of past shame behind.