Father Gregor
As I left my younger self behind, I began to wander and reflect upon all I had seen since I was brought here. I realized with pain that back when I was young, I had not just been selfish, but I had also been so self-absorbed that I had cared very little about the well-being of others, including the people I called my friends. Proof of that was that I had never thought about the fact that maybe some of my friends did not necessarily share my views. In my young mind, if they had tagged along, it meant they saw eye-to-eye with me. But what James had said, his reaction, spoke volumes about the truth I had just seen.
And then, there was the situation I had landed myself in with Kelsey. How could I have been so reckless and put her life in danger? How could I have proceeded with my plan to damage her after she had been so understanding and nice to me? People had always treated me like a bad boy, but she had given me the chance to be something else. Yet I had been counting the minutes to her final fall.
Shame and regret pushed me down the darkened streets of the city where I had lived as a young man, not caring about the scenery around me or where I was headed. In the end, my feet took me to the edge of a lake where I sat and stared out to the horizon. It was a beautiful night, filled with brilliant stars, yet nothing mattered except this dark feeling inside me.
And then my mind brought me to Emily, and my heart reminded me of how hard I had been on her for her doubts and constant questions. I remembered how judgmental I had become because of her choice and how hardened my heart had become, and I realized how wrong I had been. Not because Emily´s choice had been good, but because I had no right to judge. After all, Emily had always been a good woman, while I had led a past filled with wrong decisions. I should have granted Emily at least my understanding.
The wind blew gently around me, moving the trees and grass, but even that peaceful noise did not help with my torment. And yet, I accepted it, as I knew I deserved it. Maybe this experience and whatever else God wanted me to see would help me to be a better priest and a better man.
I lay back and closed my eyes, willing tranquility to come to me so I could relax, and after a few seconds, my entire body and mind let go. A deep sleep overtook me, and I found myself submerged in utter darkness for what felt like an eternity. But then, as if a curtain had been raised, strong sunlight beat against my closed eyelids, and I opened my eyes to find myself staring at the world from my young body instead of being apart. Whatever I was going to experience now would be from inside my young self.
I blinked my eyes several times to try to come to terms with my new perspective, but I had to admit it was hard. I looked around and realized I was back at my old apartment when suddenly my door began to ring. I went to it and found James waiting on the other end, looking nervous but also determined.
"Greg, are you okay?" James asked as he let himself into my place. It took me a few seconds to remember that I was now my younger self, but I finally pulled myself together, ready to act the part. I walked towards the sofa and dumped my sorry behind there. I took some time to answer my friend.
"Yeah, I´m okay, but frazzled because I did not sleep much last night. I am nervous and a bit scared, if I am being honest," I answered naturally. I was shocked at first because I was not very sure if I could remember the way I responded as a young guy. However, it soon became evident that the only thing that remained of my older self was my consciousness. In all other areas, I was my young self again.
James took the seat in front of me, looking tense. I wondered if it was because we were both heading to see Kelsey or if it was because of something else.
"James, just spit out whatever is on your mind. Please be honest with me."
It took some time and some really anxious looks from my friend, but in the end, he spoke.
"Are you sure about what you are going to do today, Greg?"
"Are you asking me that question because of Kelsey? Or because of our friends."
Again, he looked away from me.
"Both, man, both. Listen, you do know you might very well be setting yourself up to go to jail, right? I mean, even if Kelsey doesn´t send you there, her friends might. Or her family. Then, I spoke to the guys, and they agreed to come here to talk, but they did not like it. They are sensing something is not right with you and that you will split. They are not happy with that notion. They are not happy to think that you might dissolve some of the businesses and drop everything."
"I do not care what they want or think, James. I do care about the fact that I am not at peace at all and that I need to resolve this before I go crazy. They can either get behind me on this or leave."
"Are you ready to be all alone?" James asked.
"If all of you think that you need to leave simply because I have decided to change my life for the better, then yes, I will be alone. But better alone and at peace than living the hell I have lived up until today. How about you, James? Are you leaving me?"
My friend took a deep breath, released it, and then spoke up.
"No, I will not leave you, Greg, and not because I may be afraid of being alone, but because I, too, think we need to change. Just like you, what happened with Kelsey made me realize that I am not and have never been the bullying type. I went along with the whole thing because I am a coward, but I never agreed with what we did."
"I wish you had spoken up before we did all this, but in the end, I think this needed to happen for me to wake up."
"So, where to first? We need to start our journey if we want to get through this day."
"Let´s go to the hospital first. I need to get that part out of the way. Then, after lunch, if I have not been sent to jail, we can come back here and wait for the rest of the gang."
James nodded and stood up. I stood after him, grabbed my car keys, and headed for the parking lot.
The trip over to the hospital was not a very long one, but it took us a while to get there. I traveled extra slowly so I would have time to work on my strategy to get Kelsey to forgive me without having her send me to jail. However, the time did not slow enough for me, and neither did the distance increase, so pretty soon James and I found ourselves parked in front of the extensive hospital where Kelsey Williams was recovering.
"Are you ready?" James asked from next to me.
"No, not really, but I am not sure I ever will be. Let´s go," I said and came down from the car. James followed me towards the sliding glass doors of the front entrance.
The hospital, aside from being big, was really nice, but not even the magnificence or extension of the place could remove the nerves that were eating me alive.
We finally reached the ward where Kelsey had been placed, and we headed for the nurses´ station to ask about her room number and if we could go visit her right away.
"Sure, I do not think it would be a problem. Her entire family and friends are over there," she said, pointing to a pretty big group, and my heart fell to my feet. "I do not think one more visit could hurt. She´s such a sweetheart."
I turned from the nightmarish sight of the family and friends toward the kind nurse who assisted us and swallowed hard.
"Let me just get the consent from the family, and you should be able to go visit her without a problem."
My heart stuttered when the nurse mentioned Kelsey´s family, and especially the idea of calling them. I wasn´t sure if they had been informed of what had transpired at the party and my involvement in it, but I did not feel very excited about the prospect of meeting them right now. However, I could not tell the nurse not to call them. She would become suspicious and make a fuss. I did not need more problems right now.
The nurse called Kelsey´s mother over to the front desk, and the beautiful woman approached, looking at James and me without an inch of recognition. Maybe no one had filled them in on my role in this whole shitshow. It was then that I looked towards the big group and realized, to my great relief, that the one friend who had seen me with Kelsey during the night of the party and who had yelled at me to help her friend was not present. I guess I could count this as a blessing.
"Mrs. Williams," the nurse said, pointing to us next. "These gentlemen are from your daughter´s school and wished to visit her. Would it be okay if they went in? I think the room is empty, is that right?"
Mrs. Williams moved her gaze towards the two of us, but in it, we saw nothing except kindness and even gratitude. It truly seemed she had no idea who we were, and I preferred to keep it that way. It seemed I was going to be able to speak with Kelsey without a glitch.
"Hello," the nice and beautiful woman said. "Who might you two be?"
"Hello, Mrs. Williams, I am Gregor, and this is my friend James," I said as kindly as I could. "We are both from Kelsey´s school, and we heard about what happened to her. We wanted to come to say hi and wish her a speedy recovery if that´s okay."
"But of course, please, go on in. Kelsey is up and in good spirits, so it shouldn´t be a problem. And thank you so much for making such a kind gesture toward my daughter."
The two of us smiled at the woman, bid her farewell, and moved on to the hallway that led to Kelsey´s room. The two of us released a long sigh of relief as soon as we were out of sight of the sitting room. For now, it seemed things were in our favor.
Not even a minute later, I finally found myself staring at the door that separated me from Kelsey. I hesitated for several seconds, fearful of what might await on the other side. But then James´ hand rested on my shoulder, and I felt emboldened. Someone had my back. Without further delay, I knocked on the door, and when I heard a gentle "come in," I opened the door and walked inside.
"You" was the first word I heard as soon as I entered. However, I soon realized that the tone used by Kelsey when she said that word was not one of anger but rather of shock. I looked up and stared at the beautiful girl who was sitting on her hospital bed.
"Hey, Kelsey, how are you?" I asked with hesitation, wondering if she remembered anything from the party and, particularly, if she remembered my involvement in this whole situation.
"Nice of you to stop by and ask, thank you," she responded, still kind toward me.
"Kelsey, I am a bit uncertain about asking this of you, but…" I faltered.
"Do I remember what happened?" she asked.
"Yes," I muttered, fearful of her response.
"Do you mean if I remember that you went to fetch me a drink, and when I drank from it, something strange started to happen to me? Or maybe you mean when people asked you to help me, and you ran away like a coward?" Kelsey said, still gently but seriously. My eyes raised toward hers, surely portraying not only the shock but also the panic at realizing the extent of what she remembered.
"Because, Greg, I remember everything. And it is not because others told me about what happened, but because I saw it all. Despite what happened to me health-wise, I was able to witness it all."
"Kelsey… I …. I came here because … this is much harder than I thought," I said as my eyes moved everywhere except where she was. I was not only panicked but also embarrassed.
"Why, Greg? Why did you do it? Just explain to me why a nice guy like you would do something so awful?"
My eyes raised to hers again, and I was taken aback by the fact that the emotions pouring from her eyes were not anger or resentment but rather tenderness and pity. How could she feel anything nice toward me?
"I… I am not a nice guy, Kelsey. You have that part wrong. I am a bad guy who has done a lot of bad things in his life," I found myself pouring out the confession as if someone had opened up a festering wound. Why was I talking about this with her of all people?
"You are wrong, Greg. You are a nice guy, and that guy appeared for several hours at that party. I am not usually very comfortable with strangers, but with you, things were different. And I know it is because of who you truly are. I know about your reputation, and I know you have a rap sheet as well. But what I saw that night was not that man. Otherwise, you wouldn´t have stood by me for long. So, go ahead, tell me why?"
I cleared my throat as my body began to shake with stress. I did not know what to say for a moment, but then, looking at Kelsey´s gorgeous eyes, I began to spill my secret. I told her the whole story from start to finish, and she did not stop me for even a second. By the end of it all, I found myself feeling better and even relieved.
"Thank you, Greg, for telling me the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I can tell you were really sincere, and that makes all the difference. You know, at first, when I was finally stabilized, I considered my friends´ suggestion that I denounce you to the police. But then something stopped me and told me to wait. I am not sure what it was, but I am now glad I listened."
"Kelsey… I did not come here to beg you not to send me to prison because, to be honest, even I recognize that what I did deserves such a punishment. I will accept whatever your choice is. I just needed to come clear and ask for your forgiveness. You see, what happened that night started a journey in me that required that I come clean with you and ask for your forgiveness. I hope you can give me that," I said, looking down at my shaking hands.
"Greg, look at me," Kelsey said with a sweet tone. I did as she asked. "You have my wholehearted forgiveness for what you did. And I also want you to know I do not hold a grudge either. I have told my friends not to inform my family of what happened that night, and they have agreed to keep it to themselves. I have asked all involved not to say a word to the police. In any case, it wasn´t your drug that caused the allergic reaction but the peanuts I consumed by mistake earlier."
I looked up at her, my eyes filled with shock and admiration.
"Kelsey… are … are you sure? I mean, any other woman would have had me thrown in jail long before today."
"I know, but that someone will not be me. I think there´s a lot of good in you, Greg, and all you need is a chance. I am going to give you that chance."
"How?" I asked, now seeing that my forgiveness was not going to be free of punishment.
"I want you to do something in exchange," Kelsey said slowly, her eyes looking intently at me. I nodded, telling her to continue.
"I am a volunteer in a program for addicts and people with mental disabilities. I want you to come with me to our sessions, and I want you to help these people out. You might be required to give some of those sessions, and you might be asked to help some of the people there on a one-on-one basis. You will serve in whatever capacity they require you. Now, this is a Catholic volunteer program, so you will be attending different religious sessions and events, and you will meet with many Catholics like me. Finally, I want you to come with me at least once to Mass. Would you do that? This would be your penance."
At first, I was mute as Kelsey´s words moved around in my head. Mass? As in the Catholic version of going to church? Would it be like attending my parents´ church? Listening to a pastor drone on about boring stuff? And then, give sessions? Assist addicts and mentally disabled people? Me? Really? And yet, what did I have to lose? Wasn´t it immensely worse to end up back in jail, and this time for life?
"Okay, I will do as you request, Kelsey. Thank you for not informing the police and for seeing something good in me. I truly appreciate it. When do you expect me to begin?"
"I will be released from this place tomorrow. I will be with my family for a week before returning to school. So, let´s say, fifteen days from today? I will send you the address of the place where the program is being carried out, and we can meet there. I will introduce you to the director, and you can begin little by little. I am sure this experience will give you what you need to reach for that side of you that is beautiful. I know it is there, Greg."
I silently nodded and then stood there awkwardly, unsure of what I was supposed to do now.
"Uhm, okay, now that everything is settled," I finally managed to say, "is it okay if I leave? I will be waiting for your message with the instructions."
Kelsey smiled gently at me and dismissed me.
I moved out of her room like a robot, without a single thought going through my mind. Once outside, I saw James´ mouth moving and even his arms flapping around, but I could not hear a word. I was that shocked by all that had transpired inside that room. Was it true? Did Kelsey really believe that I had a good side? And… had I just been pardoned from a really harsh fate? Was I given a second chance here?
I suddenly felt the wall hitting my back, and that is when I snapped out of my daze and my senses attuned to my freaked-out friend.
"What in the world happened in there, Gregor? Why do you look like you just saw a ghost? Is Kelsey suing you or something? We can…"
I cut James off. "She is not suing me, or telling the cops, or having anyone set the police on me. She just told me she spoke with her friends and asked them not to tell her family about what happened either. And she knew everything, James. She knew I had placed something in her drink and that I had refused to assist when she was in need. She knew every single damn thing I did, and she still forgave me, James. She has forgiven me."
"What?" My friend asked, now as shocked as I was.
"She has decided to forgive me because… She says, and these are her words, not mine, that she… she sees something good in me and she thinks I just need a chance to let it out. She actually believes I´m a good guy, James, and that is why her only punishment for me is that I must accompany her to her volunteering program for addicts and people with mental disabilities."
"Are you joking right now?" James asked, baffled. I looked at him, and from the stare I gave him, he knew I wasn´t kidding. I was dead serious.
"Wow, okay, well, I guess that´s a small price to pay for what you did. To be honest, we all should be going to that program with you, as this was not just your doing. I am more than willing to pay the price for what we did, but I am not sure the others will agree."
"To hell with them, James. I am past worrying about what they will think. Do you understand that I was given a second chance? That a woman I hurt actually saw something other than darkness in me? That really touched me to my core, James. Someone thinks that deep within me lives the true me, and that that true me is actually good."
"She is not the only person who realized that Greg; I do too. Maybe that is why I stuck around for so long. For some reason, I saw something greater in you, but as I said, I was too much of a coward to place my foot down, stop the shenanigans, and make you aware of that. I´m sorry it took the intervention of someone else for me to disclose this to you."
I looked at James, and then a smile broke out over my face. I was happy for the first time in my life. Without thinking too much about it, I moved to James and embraced him.
"Thank you, my friend. I really appreciate your words."
After we broke apart from our brotherly hug, James´s phone began to ring, and we both soon heard the annoyed voice of one of our other friends coming over the line. They were all already gathered in my apartment, and they wanted to know where the hell we were. James told them we were running some errands and we would be there shortly.
We both walked out of the hospital after having said goodbye to Kelsey´s mother, and with a spring in my step I entered my car to drive to the final stage of my recovery program. This was it. I had to release the bad habits and bad company. If my other friends wished, they could tag along and change as well. This Gregory was not going back to being a thug.
The drive to my apartment was not extremely long, and when we arrived, we saw my parking lot crammed with our friends' cars. The two of us moved almost as if dazed towards the elevator, and once inside, we finally spoke.
"Are you ready for this showdown?" James asked. "Because it is not going to be pretty, I can tell."
"I am as ready as I will ever be, James. I truly need this chapter of my life to be over."
"Aren´t you a little worried that this volunteering program is Catholic? Aren´t you afraid they might recruit you?" James asked as the elevator continued to rise.
I thought about his questions and pondered this. While it was true that I had gone to talk to Father Briar and that I had agreed with Kelsey to try the volunteering thing, it didn´t mean I was ready to convert to anything. I had once been intrigued by it and even considered such a path, but now I was sure it wasn´t the one for me. I wanted to be a good guy; that was certain, but without any religion to call my own. I was happy as a free agent.
The elevator pinged, and the doors opened inside my apartment. Sure enough, we found the place packed with all my cronies, and one look at them told me they were not happy at all.
"Where have you been, Greg?" One of them asked in an almost aggressive tone. "And don´t give us that crap about going to run errands. You look all happy and illuminated. Spill the beans."
"Yeah," another said. "And what is this sh… about deciding to dissolve the majority of your businesses, huh? What about us, your friends? What is with that stupid idea?"
Voices clamored around me with different versions of the same two ideas, but I did not respond to a single question until I had moved over to my favorite couch and taken a comfortable seat, James right next to me.
"You are right, Paul. I did not go to run any errands. James told you that so you wouldn´t bug me, but it seems it does not work with you guys, does it? I went to the hospital to visit Kelsey Williams."
The loud and angry voices did not delay in rising. All of them were angered and shocked by what I had done, and no one asked me why I had done it. None of them even considered for a second that we had done something very bad.
"Why would you go to visit the cheerleader?" Paul asked, taking the lead of the gang.
"Because, Paul, in case you did not know, we gave her a drug that, even if it did not cause the allergic reaction, did not make matters easier and increased the problem. I gave her that substance and then, like a coward, ran away instead of helping her. Don´t you think putting someone in the hospital merits such an errand?"
"Greg, since when have you cared about placing someone in a hospital? Dude, you have done that several times; did you forget? I mean, come on!" Paul said, his hands flapping at his sides.
"Yes, I am more than aware that I didn´t use to care about hurting other people, even if that meant sending them to the hospital. But there is simply something about this case that really moved me. So yeah, I don´t know exactly what it was about her, but what happened shocked me to the core, and I do not want to continue as I have thus far. Now, I know James spoke to you guys and made you aware of my intentions. Now, I will reiterate that all he said came from me."
"So it´s true," another one of my friends said. "You are splitting from our group, and you are canceling your businesses?"
"I do not wish to split from the group if we all agree to change our ways. I like you all, and I would like to remain your friend, but not as we are now. We have become bullies of the worst type, and we are hurting people who do not deserve it."
"Is the bit… sending you to jail?" Paul asked, and the moment he used the foul word to refer to Kelsey, anger pulsed within me. Apparently, it showed clearly in my demeanor, for Paul took several steps back.
"Hey, man, I´m sorry; do not take my words the wrong way. What happened then?"
"Don´t you ever refer to Kelsey in that way. That woman should have toasted me, but she did not. She was understanding and forgiving and did not send me where I should have gone. Actually, where we all should have gone. Because I executed, but you guys were also behind this whole thing. So, you wish to know what happened, Paul? Kelsey Williams, being the bigger person, forgave me and all of you. She will not be pressing charges and only required something very small from me. Something I will be giving as she requested. But even before talking to her, since that very night, I have known I do not want to continue as I am. This is where it ends.
"Regarding my businesses, I will only keep the ones that do not have to do with harming people. I will sell the bars and other stuff and keep only that which actually benefits the public and society at large. Now, if any of you wishes to remain my friend, you must accept this change in me, and the fact that I will not be accompanying you in any bullying activities anymore. This is where my life changes, and for good. However, if you desire to continue as you are, the door is right there," I said, pointing with my hand.
Silence ensued after my words, and I simply closed my eyes while I waited for my cronies to make their choices. I began to hear the rustling of clothes all around me and the opening and closing of the door. I waited for around five minutes with my eyes closed, and then I opened them. Except for James, all the others had decided to leave. I now knew who my true friend was.
Now, to the next step of my journey.