February 7th. Wednesday, 12:20 AM
Maria lay sprawled across her bed, her body sinking into the mattress. The past week drained her. She was exhausted. Lesson after lesson, lecture after lecture. Monday to Friday was a blur. Then the weekend came, and she had to go out for a modelling job. Travelling from place to place, constantly changing outfits, posing, posing again and again and again.
Back then, this was nothing to her. She could do it all day, but after her little hiatus, her body and mind had to get used to it again. The aftereffects of the photoshoots were hitting her a lot harder than she thought they would. It cut off a few sleeping hours she would've gotten. She wasn't complaining because this is what she wanted. She enjoyed it, but her body was getting back into the swing of things.
Even the first two days of this week, she'd been sluggishly functioning. She had to make it to the weekend to have a proper rest. She didn't have any modelling on the weekend, so she was surviving till the weekend to catch up on sleep.
"My body feels so tired", she thought.
She closed her eyes, clearing her mind. Wanting to go to sleep.
…
Her eyelids slowly lifted.
"I can't sleep".
She turned her head slightly, her eyes dropping to her phone lying beside her pillow.
"Should I watch a YouTube video?"
Maria stared at it for a few seconds, thinking about it, but also listening to her body.
"I can't be bothered".
With a small sigh, she rolled onto her back. Her legs stretched slightly with an arm resting across her stomach while the other lay by her side. Eyes gazing at the ceiling.
"I haven't had that dream since then", she thought. "I can't remember any of my dreams since that one. I can only remember that one clearly".
She paused, thinking about the dream.
"I know it was only a dream, but... I think Alejandro likes me".
Ever since that dream, Maria found herself paying attention to Alejandro way more than she used to. She didn't think too much when speaking to him before, but now she analyses every small interaction. They weren't in the same class, so they didn't see each other that much. Sometimes they'd see each other in the halls, during break, in the cafeteria. Whenever they did, Maria paid close attention to Alejandro.
"Ever since that dream, I've been conscious of him", she thought. "Before that dream, I didn't think too much. Now I overthink everything. And we haven't even spoken that much".
They had brief, small talks, no long conversations, but even still, Maria felt something.
"I don't know what it is. I feel like the way he looks at me is different from everyone else", she thought, her eyes fixated on the ceiling. "In high school, it was obvious when guys liked me. With Alejandro, I can't tell because I've known him for a long time. I don't know if he's a good friend or if he likes me".
Then a thought dawned on her. Struck her like lightning.
"Wait… am I obvious when I'm around Malakai?…"
Her body jolted up. The sudden movement made the blanket slide down to her waist. As she sat there, her mind tried replaying every interaction she's ever had with Malakai.
Every conversation.
Every expression.
Every reaction.
She put a hand to her forehead, pressing her fingertips on it while she tilted her head down, thinking the worst.
"I totally act like a cringy girl trying to be cute".
Both hands flew to cover her face as she fell backwards.
"Argh, damn it", she groaned, muffled through her hands.
"I acted so bratty when he never told me his hiding spot. I'm soo argghhh", her fingers pressed harder on her face. "We haven't even spoken properly since then".
As soon as she thought about that moment, several other interactions refreshed themselves in her mind.
She pictured her tone when she spoke to him, how her eyes looked at him, how she acted around him.
Maria rolled to her side and curled up in a ball, hugging her knees, cringing.
"I hope no one has noticed".
...
After climbing over that cringe mountain, her body unfolded, and she once again lay on her back. Lying there silently, letting the wave of embarrassment pass.
Suddenly, the room felt quieter. The background noise vanished. It was like the inside of Maria's mind.
"Why did I fall in love?" she softly mumbled.
Malakai may have a hold of her heart, but Maria has tried to understand the reasoning behind her love.
For the most part, she has been hopelessly in love. The initial feeling of falling and being in love overwhelmed her. She let that feeling keep her thoughts and reasoning quiet. Dopamine was still flowing through her brain, but the thoughts had flooded in recently. Forcing her to question herself.
"I know this is love. But why?".
Over the past few weeks, Maria has started doing things differently. Of course, she began modelling again, but that wasn't the only change. She started going to the gym more seriously. Before, she would go every now and then. Now she had a routine. She wanted her body to be perfect. Or at least closer to it.
Another change was reading. She picked up reading again. When she was younger, she loved to read. It was one of her hobbies, but when she entered Astral Academy, that habit slowly disappeared. She couldn't find the time, and when she did have time, she'd rather do something else out of laziness.
Recently, though, she picked it up, but this time the books she read were about love. She wanted to hear others' perspectives on love. She would read books, watch videos and listen to podcasts about love and love experiences.
First relationships.
Love languages.
Marriage.
Breakups.
Heartbreak.
Although it gave her better insights and understanding, it didn't help much with her situation.
It might've made it worse.
"This is my first love", she thought quietly. "People said this is puppy love. But I don't want it to be puppy love. I want it to be… love. This is the first time I've felt like this. I can't imagine it ending".
She put a hand over her chest as her thoughts slowed for a moment.
"It can't be puppy love. I'm doing things I thought I left behind because they were useless to me. But I came back to them so quickly because I want to be the best version of me. So he can notice me".
She hesitated.
"That has to be love…"
Maria suddenly rolled onto her stomach. Burying her face deep into her pillow. Her arms tightly wrapped around it, hugging it as if it were family.
"I'm scared. I want this to be true love so badly".
She squeezed her eyes shut, wanting this anxiety swirling in her chest to disappear.
"I want to be with him".
Her thoughts crashed into one another until something flashed across her mind.
Malakai's smile.
Maria slowly opened her eyes.
"Why him?" she mumbled. Her voice muffled against the fabric.
"I've thought about this so many times. Why him?... Why him?".
She never thought of it in a bad way. She just questioned out of all the boys she'd seen in her life what made Malakai so different.
So different that it would make her heart race whenever she heard his name, her eyes locked onto him whenever they were in the same place, her ears perk up whenever his voice was near, and her mind go crazy whenever she thought of him.
Maria turned her face to the side so the pillow wouldn't suffocate her.
"People say they love their partner because of things they did for them or how they act. They say their love was built up over a long period of time", she thought.
"I fell in love with him in a month. I fell in love with him because…. because…".
Her whole body stopped, staring into nothingness. It was like every part of her body was trying to help her answer that question. Trying to find the answer somewhere within her.
"I just fell in love".
Her mind blanked. No clear answer was there.
"It felt right", she thought calmly. The anxiety was gone. "My whole life changed... and I don't know why".
Once again, Maria changed her body position. She rolled onto her back so she could look at the ceiling again.
"Okay, let's think. Let's go backwards", she said, like she was talking to another version of her.
"Malakai Junior".
A full body image of him appeared in her head.
"He's short". She paused for a second. "But he's taller than me, so I don't care".
A faint smile snuck on her face.
"I find him cute. Buuut without looking through my loveheart eyes, he isn't conventionally attractive. If Alejandro's a 9 out 10. Malakai would be a… 6".
She forced herself to bring that thought to life. After thinking about that number, Malakai's smiling face vividly flashed through her memory.
Maria yanked the blanket over her.
"His smile", she thought, squeezing the blanket against her face.
"I love his smile so much".
Her heart started to jog.
"No other guy can look that good to me compared to that".
She lowered her blanket to let her eyes breathe, but still covered her mouth.
"Thinking about it, the reason I became interested in him was because he kept smiling. I don't know what's so different about his smile. It just kept getting my attention. Maybe it was because of his scar or his accent", she thought. She sighed quietly."Everything about him interests me…".
"...shit", she mumbled.
Maria found herself smiling without realising it. A warm fuzzy feeling spread through her chest, thinking about Malakai. She lowered the blanket, so it wasn't covering her mouth anymore.
"We've talked a lot, but I feel like I still don't know him. He's told me a few childhood stories, what he likes, what he doesn't like, but I feel like I don't know enough".
The smile slowly faded.
"It's like there's a thin wall between us. We're friends, but not close friends. He does hold back a little when he's around me. I want him to act like how he is around his friends around me".
Her thoughts took a break as she reflected on and analysed Malakai a bit more.
"Even though he doesn't treat me with extra care or compliment me as guys would. I love his personality. He acts childish, but he can be mature when he wants. Most girls here think he's an ick because he's immature, but I like it. I want to be goofy and have fun with him. I've been serious and mature most of my life. It's good for my career. For my life though, I need someone who can bring that playfulness out of me. I want to be carefree with someone".
Her hand slowly moved up towards her neck.
"I say he doesn't treat me special", she softly said.
Her fingers found the necklace resting on her.
"But he did get me this".
She lifted the small M pendant between her fingers and looked at it in the dim light.
Maria had worn that necklace ever since the day he gave it to her. Her birthday. The only time she took it off was when she showered. Other than that, it stayed on.
No one notices it because she keeps it tucked under her clothes all the time. The only person who's seen her wear it was Tanisha, as they live together. Maria lied and said her family got her the necklace when she was asked where she got it from.
"I've also still got that toy spider he randomly gave me. He probably forgot he did that", she giggled, still staring at the M pendent.
"I'm bettering myself. I want him to notice me", she thought, slowly resting the necklace back on her.
"I want him to fall in love with me. I want him to fall harder than I fell for him".
She wrapped her arms around her stomach and hugged herself.
"I need to stop acting like a cutesy girl around him. I can't be a pick me for him".
Her grip around herself got tighter.
"I have to stop getting nervous around him and act natural. If I act like his friend and get closer to him, it'll be easier to flirt. I need to talk to him more. I want to know more about him".
She let go of herself and felt as if she had jumped a high hurdle after that determined speech. However, that accomplished feeling didn't last long. A thought reappeared in her mind.
"We haven't spoken properly since the challenge".
She immediately facepalmed her face, covering her eyes.
"It's all my fault too. I got butthurt over such a stupid thing".
All of a sudden, she realised she was lying in bed. It was bedtime... for most people.
Maria pushed herself upright and reached for her phone. She tapped the screen to switch it on. The screen lit up and showed.
12:48 AM.
The time. There was a high chance he would be there.
The balcony.
Maria flung the blanket off her body and got out of bed. Adrenaline was pumping through her exhausted body. It was the only reason she could move right now.
She went to her door and gently turned the handle. The door quietly opened, and she slipped out of her room. She tiptoed across her dorm towards the balcony. Her heartbeat began to pick up as she approached the glass door. She leaned slightly toward the window, trying to see if anyone was already outside. But the reflection and darkness made it impossible to tell. She had to open the door.
Just like her door, she gently pulled the handle. The door opened just a crack, and cold air relentlessly attacked. Desperate to get inside.
Maria shivered as the chill hit, but she persisted and fully opened the door. Her heart started to skip like it had already seen Malakai before she even set foot on her balcony.
In her excitement, she had rushed out without putting her robe on. All she had on were her pyjamas. Very weak protection against the cold. Her arms instinctively wrapped around her body to preserve heat.
She stepped onto her balcony and deliberately didn't turn her head to the left. She wanted it to be a big reveal.
Maria slowly opened her eyes and turned her head.
"Yo".
She imagined.
Malakai wasn't there.
Her heart stopped skipping. The adrenaline stopped pumping. The cold air was hitting a lot harder now.
Maria stared at the empty balcony. "I… could wait until one", she mumbled.
Two long seconds passed.
Then she shook her head. "No", she said, a little louder.
"I said I wouldn't act like this".
She turned around and quickly stepped back inside, escaping the cold before closing the balcony door behind her.
"I'm not going to force it", she told herself. "I can't chase someone who's a marathon away".