But Shiller did not delve deeply into this issue. He quickly skipped over the topic and continued, "A person gains so many benefits from masking that it seems they should maintain it. But it's not that simple. When you pose as a normal character and integrate into society, you become increasingly aware of how your morbid parts don't fit here. Your mask is well-received, but your true self can only hide in the shadows, never to see the light of day. This inevitably makes one feel frustrated."
"We often find such traits in many serial killers. They claim they can't integrate into society, but in the eyes of their neighbors and friends, they are good people. Before the truth comes out, hardly anyone suspects they are such cruel individuals."
"So when police get similar confessions, they think it's just a cunning criminal's excuse, trying to shift their guilt onto society or simply attempting to garner sympathy from the jury. But in most cases, they're telling the truth."
"The perfect self they portray, loved by everyone and seemingly flawless, is not who they truly are. Their real selves, by comparison, are unbearably ugly. Once exposed, it would scare everyone away—this might be an illusion, but that's what they always think."
"This leads to self-antagonism. The more they thrive on a perfect disguise, the more they hate this facade; the more they want to release their true selves, to surpass the mask with authenticity. Thus, they begin to tend toward executing some morbid and cruel thoughts, ultimately leading them to become serial killers."
"In their view, as long as they prove themselves to be a standout in a cruel field, they can triumph in the battle against their disguise. They aim to prove that the self isn't completely without merit, that the morbid existence has its value, rather than being entirely obsolete."
Deathstroke's speculations about Shiller's purpose started leaning more towards a negative direction. So he infiltrated the upper-class society to become a serial killer?
Who knew Shiller would take a deep breath, then say, "But actually, I'm not like that."
Deathstroke helplessly covered his forehead and then said, "Isn't that nonsense then?"
"If I don't let you understand what most people are like, how can I explain what's special about you and me?" Shiller said, spreading his hands.
"Alright, go on," Deathstroke decided not to interrupt him anymore. He took another sip of his beer; the first can was already empty. He felt he'd need at least a dozen beers to possibly hear anything relevant to himself; Shiller was just too verbose.
Shiller seemed to sense his impatience, but he just smiled and had no intention of changing. He adjusted his posture, leaning back against the chair's backrest, and continued.
"In a person's lifetime, there are three self-confrontations to complete. The first comes from one's father. You need to, with his help, remove the unworthy parts of your physical desires. Like a boy's instincts towards female relatives, and vice-versa. Because this process happens so early, many people don't quite remember it."
"The consequences of not finishing this self-confrontation are severe. It's not that they will go molest their relatives, but something worse. They will not be able to control their physical desires well, becoming entirely reptilian-brained, with their whole life revolving around 'sex'. But often, due to the lack of necessary instinctive control needed to establish a foothold in society, they won't achieve a certain social status. Their repressed desires drive them to madness, bringing deeper levels of sociological failures."
"The second confrontation often comes from the 'master', also known as the Shepherd. To put it plainly, it's the first 'superior' you encounter after entering society. Not just any boss, but someone you recognize and need to obey. They help you eliminate the overly selfish attributes in your emotional desires, teaching you how to gain satisfaction from altruism."
"The consequences of not completing this round are also significant. This will make you unable to engage in normal emotional exchanges with others, viewing your contributions as suffering while ignoring others' contributions, never satisfied, making it challenging to establish long-term stable emotional relationships and showing insufficient enthusiasm in social interactions, resulting in an inability to attain social status."
"And the third, as I've mentioned, is the 'mask'. This is a real confrontation, just like a final exam. The other two are just mocks; even if failed, they don't endanger society or are life-threatening. But this one is serious business."
"The battle between nature and social traits determines the type of life one ultimately leads. Clearly, both of us chose to let social traits prevail, which is the commonality I mentioned. However, our reasons are completely different, which ultimately led us to different paths."
"Let's start with the reasons. It seems we only differ on the third issue, but in fact, the seeds of trouble were sown in the first two problems, leading to the last being entirely different."
"Can you imagine? Who were your father and master? What did they do to you? In the relevant issues I mentioned, how did they affect you?"
Deathstroke thought this was a question worth answering, otherwise, it might affect Shiller's judgment, so he said, "My father left home early. When I was about 4, he boarded a ship and never returned. My mother avoided talking about why he left, but from her behavior, there seemed to be some conflict between them; she was abandoned."
"As for the superior you mentioned, I can only think of a sergeant from my recruit days. He was an excellent warrior, but too violent. He often beat and scolded the recruits, liked to say 'this is so you won't lose your life on the battlefield'. I was one of the standouts, but he didn't like me. I guess it might be jealousy."
"As for the physical desires, emotional desires you're talking about, it's really hard to understand," Deathstroke said. "Did you study psychology or something? It sounds like something from centuries-old philosophers. I can't figure it out."
"You just lack theoretical knowledge, but I think you have the experience. I can also tell you about my situation. My 'father' and 'master' were the same person, and it was also him who helped me establish my mask. This led to the morbid losing all three battles, and I became what I am today."
"Sounds ominous," Deathstroke said.
Shiller shook his head and said, "In self-conflict, the most important thing is not to forget that it's all you."
Deathstroke seemed shaken by these words, standing there speechless for a long time. Shiller suddenly smiled, like a cat that caught a mouse, not even hiding the excitement in his voice, "Now, let's talk about you, Mr. Wilson..."
"Wait, you need to explain first why you know my name is Wilson." Deathstroke hadn't completely lost his sanity yet; he squinted at Shiller and said, "I have almost never told anyone my real name. Even if you're the world's best detective and hacker, you could only find out my alias."
"Don't worry about it," Shiller said, "I believe that is the most insignificant part of my assessment of you. Are you sure you're ready?"
"I'm not sure," Deathstroke said, "I kind of miss that Orca."
Shiller laughed again, but it didn't delay his words in the slightest; he said, "You didn't complete the first two battles. Unrestrained indulgence in physical and mental desires led society's discipline over you to a complete defeat in the third battle."
"So according to you, I should be a serial killer now."
"I'm saying you didn't complete it, not that you lost," Shiller said, "Everything that happened to you is quite interesting and certainly of research value. The most intriguing part for me is how the first two battles, which should have occurred at ages four to five and around twenty, were oddly skipped. What did you do?"
Deathstroke remained silent, only having an answer within his heart. But at that moment, Shiller's voice came through, "So that's how it is."
Deathstroke looked up at him, Shiller said, "You defeated your father with your exceptional talent. You pushed him off the boat. This completely disrupted the entire process, not only failing to suppress your physical desires but amplifying them infinitely. Your entire adolescence was troubled by this."
"In excessive indulgence, you got into some trouble. Then you went to the military — you definitely lied about your age. You shouldn't have met your commanding officer around 25; it should've been at 16 or 17. That was way too early. You weren't ready for battle. And by the time psychological maturation was complete, the best window was missed. Thus, your mental desires also swelled infinitely, became extremely selfish, demanding others' unlimited contribution. Such a person doesn't fit in the military. So you participated in that experiment."
"That experiment ruined everything. Because powerful physical strength combined with infinitely expanding self led you to destruction. It was inevitable. Desire overpowering reason makes you lose caution, full of weaknesses. An incident that can be called a catastrophic disaster nearly claimed your life."
"The only unfortunate part is that you survived it. Then realized how important it was to let social nature conquer your own nature. To get back on track, you had a wife and children, the perfect embodiment of social nature. But that's completely insufficient."
Deathstroke was dumbfounded; it was his first time being thoroughly exposed without him realizing it. Shiller's words were spot on, precisely timed.
And Shiller, as if unaware of his shocking words, continued with the previous topic.
"Social rules tend to fight bravely and then fail. Attack again, then fail again. You acknowledge that society might not be able to conquer you completely but persistently seek a solution. Eventually, you met me. You thought I might be the one who could help society finally defeat you."
"So you started confiding in me, saying you regret taking this path, saying you love your wife and children more. You showed how much you want that social part to win. If I said, 'Yes, now you've become younger, you can choose again,' I'm afraid I would have to help you reintegrate into society."
"Why not?" Deathstroke asked, "Just consider it doing a good deed."
"I certainly want to do good," Shiller did not refute him but nodded and said, "But apparently, it won't work."
"What won't work?"
Shiller looked very helpless, as if he was facing a stubborn person, he said, "I told you the problem lies in the first two battles. What's the use of just winning the third one?"
"So..." Deathstroke seemed a bit hesitant, "Where should I go to find what father and master?"