This question, Deathstroke himself couldn't articulate well. In fact, he never really felt passionate about anything.
To say he loved sports, actually his football performance was pretty good. If he had chosen to go to college, he might have made it big. But he gave it up and chose to join the military, even lying about his age to do so. This means he didn't even finish high school, probably only attended for one or two years before serving.
To say he liked being in the military, he could have stayed in the army. He had good physical fitness and was well-liked. If he chose not to undergo experiments and slowly climbed the ranks, he might have become a lieutenant colonel or colonel by now. But he chose to strike out on his own.
To say he enjoyed being a mercenary, he initially started in this line because the human modifications had some side effects that made him violent and bloodthirsty. Unable to control himself, he could only vent on the battlefield. Later, he met an intermediary who thought he was talented. Deathstroke also felt it was a win-win as it managed the side effects and made money, so he agreed. He has been doing it ever since.
Most of his life's experiences weren't chosen out of love. Looking back now, it indeed seems quite bizarre.
Deathstroke began to carefully recall why he chose to play football and why he wanted to join the military. Since it was quite distant, he rummaged for a long time to find some detailed memories. But he also couldn't tell if they were real memories or ones he had imagined.
He remembered that his good neighbor once mentioned to his sons, hoping they could become quarterbacks. At that time, Deathstroke didn't even know what a quarterback was; he understood it as the most capable player in football. When he joined the school team in high school, he aimed to become a quarterback. This might have been influenced by that gentleman.
Then there's joining the military; of course, Mr. Sanders served in the military. It seemed like he repaired tanks or engineering equipment, belonging to a technical corps. Growing up, he accompanied his children in tinkering with car parts in the yard. He also hoped his sons could serve the country in the military.
As past events became clearer before his eyes, Deathstroke was surprised to realize that this man, who had only been in his life for a few months, had such a profound impact, even possibly changing his entire life.
"There's no vacuum in power," Shiller said, "Fatherhood is the same. When you need it, someone will be there for you, no matter who he is."
"Then why did I still fail?" Deathstroke asked, "Was it because I spent too little time with him?"
"Because you started imitating him too early. When people haven't become themselves yet, they become someone else, and that is the root of much suffering," Shiller said, lowering his eyes. "Whether it's the ideal child of parents, a societal construct, or a fantasy of oneself."
"Good son, good daughter, good student, good employee—these identities expand infinitely during their formative years until they completely overwhelm the self. The result is lifelong cognitive dissonance. On the surface, everything seems harmonious, but in truth, one becomes more and more isolated from the world. The barrier grows thicker until it completely separates and isolates the heart. This is a common phenomenon in modern society."
Deathstroke roughly understood Shiller's meaning. Back then, Slade Wilson was just a few years old and should have been under the protection of his parents, freely expressing himself, playing football if he wanted to, reading books if he liked. But in reality, his father died, his mother was busy making a living, and they lived a nomadic life without much room for self-development.
His imitation of Mr. Sanders led him, at a young age when he should be exploring his identity, to learn how to be a father through imitation. This is why he joined the school team, played football, lied about his age to join the military—because he was constantly playing the role of a father.
"This is the opposite of mental regression," Shiller said, "commonly referred to as premature maturation. Mental regression means never maturing, while premature maturation means maturing too early. But contrary to common sense, these two situations often occur simultaneously."
"Due to premature maturation, people lack the power to explore themselves, leading the truest self to be repressed. Much like you, without the opportunity for self-exploration, struggle, and transformation, you remain in a juvenile state, resulting in mental regression."
"That's why people always say that the things a youth cannot obtain will haunt them for a lifetime. Many who mature early spend their later lives pursuing the childhood they never had. This is the manifestation of premature maturation concurrent with regression."
Shiller continued, "Unfortunately, the father you are playing is not suitable for your son. Because he is not like the person you imitated back then or his sons."
After a pause, Shiller added, "But actually, this should count as a success for you. Because you have earned a lot of money, provided him with a relatively stable environment, and meanwhile, you are not always in his face. Most of the time, it's his mother educating him, and his mother tends to respect his individuality. So he can develop freely, having sufficient time to explore himself. And the self he discovers is different from you and the person you imitated, which is normal."
Deathstroke opened his mouth but didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He said, "So should I stay out of his way more often?"
"You might not believe it, but he doesn't understand the theory, yet he may already see that the father you are playing is too thin and hollow. That isn't your real self, and it doesn't have the significant charm you imagined that could make him want to imitate you."
"You went to imitate your neighbor because he was truly like that. It was his genuine self-expression that appeared very attractive. But you being just a poor imitation would surely have flaws. And by chance, your son is perceptive and smart enough to sense something is off, so he chooses to stay as far from you as possible instead of learning from you. Because even if he learned, it wouldn't be your real self, just another imitation."
More details surged up, giving Deathstroke a sudden glimpse of a corner of the real world. When Joseph was very young, they were also very close. No matter what Deathstroke did, Joseph would follow him, like a little tail that couldn't be shaken off.
Deathstroke built him a trampoline, took him to clean the swimming pool, and let him sit on the car roof to identify car parts. These seemingly warm parent-child interactions should always appear in his mind, giving him strength and making him nostalgic.
In movies, scenes like this are often depicted: a soldier on the verge of death, with images of playing in the backyard with their child flashing through their mind. But this never happened for Deathstroke.
When he was in trouble, he never recalled those so-called beautiful scenes, not even for a moment. He would think of Joseph, but never those scenes.
Deathstroke racked his brains even harder, trying to recall what Joseph might have looked like when he thought of him. Then he suddenly realized that the scenes he remembered were both very quiet.
Either they had finished eating, and there was no ball game today. Deathstroke would sit in front of the computer watching boring variety shows while Joseph fiddled with something on his own, maybe it was building blocks, maybe a book.
Or they were tired after playing on the lawn, lying motionless on the grass watching the sky. No one asked questions, no one answered, and neither paid attention to the other.
Even Mrs. Wilson found Deathstroke too noisy, asked him to shut up, and during the drive back from the supermarket, no one in the family of three spoke until the cold war between them was over.
Deathstroke never expected that he would unearth these memories. What was he thinking during those moments? Was it boredom? Was it fatigue? It seemed like it was none of those.
Deathstroke realized that he relaxed during those quiet moments. No, he didn't even realize he was relaxing; his mind was just blank. And his mind, which far surpassed the average person's, wasn't so easy to empty.
Suddenly realizing this made Deathstroke feel somewhat shattered. It was like living for decades and suddenly someone tells you that the past you wasn't the real you. But you are powerless to refute it because you certainly can't call it happiness that you've lived.
"Maybe you're inherently someone who likes peace," Shiller said. "You could study well in high school, choose a university major you like, and spend every weekend in the library."
"Gotham University?" Deathstroke said testily, "The reason to go to the library every weekend is to create an alibi for a murder case?"
Shiller slowly moved his gaze away. Deathstroke squinted his eyes.
"The power of genes is stronger than you think," Shiller said. "The fact that you think your son's personality is different from yours doesn't refute this theory. Instead, it confirms it. Because if you had the same childhood as him, your personality might end up similar to his."
"I still find it ridiculous," Deathstroke said. "Even if that's the case, does that mean a quiet boy would have a way to handle the current situation?"
"You might as well consider another question. Are private schools really that good?"
Deathstroke paused, completely not expecting Shiller to bring this up; the topic shifted too quickly. He thought for a moment and said, "It also depends on the level of the private school. The one I sent Joseph to was pretty good. The annual tuition was around two hundred thousand dollars, a regionally advantageous school."
"But not the best."
"Not the best. I'm not stupid. As someone whose money's origin is unclear and who's seldom at home, if I sent my child to a school among the wealthy, he'd definitely be bullied. I chose a school where most students' families were similar to ours."
"You've done very well already. But, it's still not that simple. Someone who likes solitude and isn't good at socializing won't find it easy to stand firm in a private high school. Plus, if you say his friends never complained to you about someone bullying your son, that's even more unusual."
"Why?" Deathstroke said. "I know there might be bad people in school, but it's not necessarily aimed at Joseph, is it?"
"The issue is, you said that boy is somewhat reckless and speaks out for justice. Such people often have strong personalities, are more emotional. Their views tend to have a lot of subjective embellishment and exaggeration. Thinking about it that way, isn't there a big problem?"