This side story takes place between chapter XXV and XXVI and its on Lowe and Rainier.
Song Recommendation: ♫ Heaven's Sake - Jade LeMac ♫
"Whats the story behind the pain in your eyes? Will I one day be able to soothe it? Although, who am I to soothe someone's pain when mine is still fresh inside my soul.''
The last month of the year always was a busy month for those inside the Palace, and that was even before a terrorist attack happened. Just weeks before the Crown Prince's 22nd birthday, the Founding Day and the religious New Year's celebration. So many events that the month is packed for every single noble in the Empire, which doesn't necessarily means that they can take it easy due to the parties, no, it is also the time the Emperor conducts a thorough audit into every single noble's taxes.
But it isn't such exhausting facts that is taking over Rainier Bauldry's thoughts at the moment, or even the pile of tax documents on his desk, or even the overwhelming amount of responsibilities Crown Prince Alkaios bestowed him just this week due to the lack of manpower in the Imperial Knights, but it is something people would consider of low importance.
His own 22nd birthday and how should he celebrate it now that he is, most of all, alone. Should he even consider celebrating it at all.
Due to the amount of unusual events that happened this year, especially in the last stretch of it, his father won't be coming for his birthday nor the Founding Day Festival, especially with the insurgency of monsters from the forest that takes 40% of their territory in the south. And he also cannot go to the territory himself for the celebrations due to the amount of work bestowed on him.
A sigh leaves his pale lips as he grabs another tax report, every single end of the year the Crown Prince assists the Emperor with the tax audit of the nobles, as to teach him how to deal with it. However Alkaios tends to pass down annoying tasks to Rainier, especially considering how good the man's memory is, not needing to do ledger comparisons every year, therefore being quicker on the job.
For the last months he's been cooped up in the office inside the Baldry mansion during the day and working on other investigations during the night as a Knight. Due to his packed schedule he's been neglectful of other aspects of his life, mainly his sword practice and meals.
Contrary to what everyone surrounding him thinks, Rainier isn't that into the sword or training, he only does it out of duty and because he has a knack for it. He had to work incessantly to achieve the level of skill he has, and even so, he's still nowhere near geniuses like Frode Abel or Crown Prince Alkaios. Well, he never aimed to be the best either way.
His dream as a child was to use this opportunity as an adopted child of a noble to get enough knowledge and money to live well once he's thrown out. The day he was thrown away never came, though, probably because he became even more useful to Duke Bauldry and his goal to become closer to the Emperor using the children worked.
What was he going to do once he was thrown out? He never fully thought about it, all he dreamed of was living at the small cabin he did before his parents died, perhaps next to Evangelia.
Everything changed when he found out about his first love becoming Crown Princess though, his dream shifted from marrying her and living off in his parents' cabin, to protecting her as a Knight.
Hours of work, sweat and tears so that he could wield the sword without shame, his hands bled, his body screamed, yet he never gave up. That was the only way to remain by her side even if he eventually were to become a commoner again.
He moves on to the next document, his head in a completely different sphere than the numbers on the page, the fact that he's able to do everything automatically is even more impressive than he gives himself credit for.
Regardless of his dreams and hopes, it is all in the past now. He can't disregard the idea that he might really inherit his adoptive father's title, once he does he'll retire from being a Knight and move to his territory, far away from Evangelia. He would've never thought about retiring before, but now his heart doesn't hurt too much anymore as he thinks about being away from her forever.
That'll still take years, though, father won't pass me down the title before he dies, he thinks, moving to the next document.
Everything that changed is culminating in his biggest dilemma yet, usually his birthday was a backhand celebration. Four days after Alkaios' birthday and a few days before the Founding Day, he was never on people's minds. His father celebrated his birthday alongside the servants of the Capital's mansion until he was around 12, after that he stopped celebrating and only had a small tea party with Evangelia and Alkaios, however that also stopped once he came of age.
The first and only big birthday party he was ever given, truly worthy of a Duke's son, with even the presence of the Emperor and Empress, was his coming of age party. For the first time in his life, Rainier felt like he was really nobility.
And he hated it.
Fake smiles, fake pleasantries, dirty people trying to get his favor and others trying to watch if he causes his own downfall. Nauseating.
Slowly the door of the office opens and the man looks up from the document, entering the office as if it was the most natural thing to do, is Lowe.
He's wearing black pants and his usual worn out dress shoes, but on top he's wearing one of Rainier's training white shirts, due to their difference in musculature the shirt is big on him, he doesn't seem to care much, though, even with the dangling sleeves or the servants' stares.
"Did you sleep well?" Rainier asks with a soft smile, it's impressive how his brain clears when he looks at his boyfriend, that wasn't how it was at the beginning of their relationship five months ago, sure they had a lot of burning attraction, but as it burnt he slowly found himself enjoying the other's company.
The soft whisper of his hoarse voice in the morning, how he still feels shy letting Rainier take care of him before or after sex, the small frown in his face when Rainier talks about his work day or even how adorably he tries to hide his expression of delight when he finds chocolate next to the bed when he wakes up.
I need to go out and buy more of the chocolates he likes. Rainier makes a mental note as he watches Lowe walking towards him, his sweet caramel eyes show no emotion, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing for him, as he knows Lowe is at ease right now he can feel it in the man's way of walking, or even the way his eyes calmly flutter.
"When did you wake up?" Lowe asks, he doesn't look entirely awake just yet, it is his day off from work, so he's been loitering around Rainier's mansion. At first when their relationship became public, Lowe felt uncomfortable with the servants of the mansion, slowly, though, he got used to them, and even allowed them to serve him when he had meals with Rainier. "My head hurts", he comments, finally reaching the man and wrapping his arms around him from the back. "Do you still have many documents to check?" He asks, glancing at the piles on the desk.
Rainier turns around, wrapping his arms around Lowe's waist, pulling the man to sit on his lap. "I can afford a small break", he whispers, sinking his head on the other's neck. "You smell so good".
"Stop sniffing me first thing in the morning", Lowe complains but doesn't move.
"You always smell like gardenias", Rainier comments, turning his head to look up at his lover. "My mom used to grow gardenias".
"So you like me because I remind you of your mom?" Lowe jokes, but his expression is so serious that Rainier panics for a moment.
"Of course not!" He exclaims, worried.
"I was joking", Lowe says, but his expression doesn't shift.
"It's hard to tell", Rainier comments, pinching the tip of Lowe's nose. "When you tell a joke, please smile or say it right away".
Lowe nods, this time he's the one leaning over to rest his head on Rainier's shoulder. "You smell like burnt firewood".
"I spend too much time at the library's fireplace", Rainier comments, brushing his hand on Lowe's back. "Do you have any plans today? I wish I could spend the day with you", he comments, placing a kiss on the top of Lowe's head.
"After having lunch with you I was thinking about getting two suits tailored", Lowe comments leaning back, his eyes meeting Rainier's.
"What is the occasion?"
"Madam Hannah said I need to have at least two decent sets of suits if I want to be taken seriously as a King Consort's butler", his words are slow and hesitant, probably worried about the other implications of his words. That the longer they spend together, the quicker they'll be reaching the end of the two years they agreed to be together.
As days go by and they share their private stories and space, will they be able to cleanly say goodbye? Will they truly leave unscathed?
Lowe isn't sure he will.
Nor is Rainier.
If anyone asked them right now if they love each other, their answer would be no. Rainier's heart still clenches when he sees Evangelia, although less, it does. And Lowe still has trouble identifying his own feelings. However, they would say that they surely like each other's company and that they're satisfied with their relationship.
Well, except for a small thing. Not so small for Lowe, but small for Rainier. And most of all, the reason why they're fighting 70% of the time they see each other. In between the kisses, the sex, the sweet caressing and the heart opening conversations, all they did was fight.
Rainier hates fighting with Lowe, his heart hurts even more than when he saw Evangelia and Alkaios kissing for the first time, but he cannot possibly avoid their fights, not when none of them will give in.
While Lowe can't give up saving him, Rainier can't see how it matters. Not only is it the duty he must perform, but what's the problem in dying in a year's time? He will be left alone anyway. He might as well join his parents in the afterlife.
Not that he'll ever say that out loud.
Lowe leans over, placing soft kisses on Rainier's mouth. "What do you want as a gift?"
His question takes the man aback. "For what?"
"Your birthday?" Lowe frowns, looking at the man in front of him with a dumbfounded expression.
"Oh, right", for a moment Rainier feels shame, he never thought about spending his birthday with Lowe, he isn't sure why nor he's about to question himself of the reason right now. "Anything you give me I'll treasure", he answers, kissing Lowe.
Just like her gifts? Lowe thinks as they kiss, his mind scattered. He is holding back from talking about the man's death again, and he's trying to be more considerate, even asking his brother for advice even if his brother looks at him as if he's asking something disgusting. However he seems to be getting more and more ticked off by small things lately.
When Rainier dismisses his worries or when he sees him from far away and the man is looking at her.
"You're jealous", Raphael said as they met at the training grounds and Lowe commented about this uncomfortable feeling in his chest. Although he couldn't talk about Rainier's imminent death, he couldn't avoid talking about the stifling sensation when moments before he went to meet his brother he saw his boyfriend looking at the Crown Princess.
He didn't look at his face though, he couldn't bring himself to see the longing eyes he saw before. Because before they didn't have anything to do with him.
"Why would I?" Lowe asked, sitting down as he watched his brother training.
"Huh?" Raphael stopped, turning to look at his brother with a disgusted expression, sweat dripping from his forehead before he sighed and shaked his head. "There's no point in explaining to you your own feelings, Lowe", Raphael said. "Just think for a while and you'll realize it, brother, you already know what I think about your relationship''.
''He treats me well, I am satisfied with the way things are going'', Lowe said after pausing for a moment.
Raphael shaked his head. ''That's not the point, you can be happy in a relationship and still be upset and jealous, they're not mutually exclusive, you know''.
''I shouldn't be upset about something so silly, I knew from the start he wasn't fully over her'', Lowe says with a sigh, his chest hurting due to the unfamiliar feelings.
''No one has full control over their feelings'', Raphael commented. ''You're not the exception to that, Lowe''.
He wants to disagree, he doesn't think he has such strong feelings, or even should he if he does. Rainier was nothing but honest to him from the get go, being jealous over something he knew even when they weren't together, is… a waste of time. And he shouldn't be wasting time like this when there are other subjects that require his attention.
''What' do you think I should do?'' Lowe asked in an almost whisper.
His brother shakes his head. ''I cannot tell you what you should do, Lowe, I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship. And I want to respect your wishes, even if I don't like how you're dating a noble. You're an adult and the owner of your own life, brother. Don't let the decision of your life in the lap of others. If you think he's worth it, then just be honest to him, however if you think he'll never forget her and that hurts you, you don't need to take it just to not be lonely'', his brother's words resonate inside his head, is he taking all of that because he doesn't want to be alone? Yes, in part that might be it, even when everything started, he only accepted their relationship because he didn't wish to feel left out and craved human warmth. Raphael watched his brother's expression before speaking again. ''Relationships aren't easy or straightforward, Lowe, there isn't a right answer that fits every single situation. Your relationship and the Prince's for example, are different. You're leaving the Empire in a year's time, and he's bound to be here forever. Is this really the relationship you want for life? I just wish for you to be happy Lowe. Are you happy?''
Lowe blinks slowly, unable to answer his brother straight away. Is he happy? How does one know if they're happy? What does being happy feel like?
Remembering what happened a few days ago doesn't help Lowe's doubts, he feels overwhelmed and uncertain, should they break up before the two years deadline? No, he doesn't want that as well, the idea of leaving Rainier for the sake of his peace of mind feels not only wrong, but painful. If he left would he simply accept the man's death? Watch from the sidelines? No, he's in too deep to be able to do that.
Perhaps his feelings are slowly becoming more than what he assumes.
''Are you feeling ok? Did you eat?'' Rainier asks once he notices Lowe's silence.
He shakes his head.
''I will call the butler to prepare breakfast for you'', he says, reaching for the servant's bell near his desk then looking at his lover again. ''Are you still worried about the future?'' Rainier doesn't want to fight, but he doesn't want to invalidate Lowe's feelings at the same time. It is a complicated situation where both sides don't want to back down, and at the same time they don't want to hurt each other in the process.
''It's not only that'', Lowe gives up, sighing as he clings even more to Rainier, sinking his head on his shoulder and hugging him tightly. ''I'm confused about my feelings as well''. His words make the other hesitate before speaking.
''Lowe, I like you'', Rainier says in a soft whisper, kissing Lowe's head. ''But I'm still not fully over Evangelia, I'm working hard, and I'll never choose her over you, the feelings I have are vestigial, they're a process.'' Even if it hurts to hear it, Lowe can't help but be glad Rainier is being honest and not lying to him. If he told him he was fully over her, or that he only liked him, Lowe isn't sure if he would be able to take it anymore.
''What did she give you on your previous birthdays?'' Lowe asks.
Rainier pauses. ''I got rid of her gifts when we started dating'', he says after a moment, it is the truth, but that wasn't Lowe's question.
''I don't want to lose to her'', Lowe says at last, the feeling he had stuck inside his chest, perhaps it is jealousy as Raphael pointed out, either way, he's upfront about it. ''I don't like when I see you two together. I know its for your job and that she's the Crown Princess…'' Lowe raises his head, staring at Rainier's eyes. He really likes those gorgeous red eyes, and how when he's looking at him, there's this fire behind them, a fire only he's able to see. ''I want to be the only one to see your eyes this close and to give you gifts you cherish'', the confession makes his cheeks burn.
''You are, Lowe''.
He shakes his head. ''No, I'm not''.
Rainier holds Lowe's chin, bringing him closer, brushing their lips. ''Lowe, I only speak to her for work, and I only look into your eyes. Please trust me.'' He begs.
Lowe nods. ''I trust you, but I don't trust her''.
Being in the inner circle of the Second Prince, Lowe already saw the true nature of the Crown Princess, she's the type of person to use Rainier's feelings to her advantage, spinning him in her hand like an accessory, using him when it's convenient and giving him away when she's done with it.
''I already told Alkaios I won't serve the Crown Princess'', Rainier says, leaning his forehead against Lowe's. ''So don't worry so much…'' He pauses before placing a soft kiss on the man's lips. ''Free up your day on my birthday… There's somewhere I want to take you''.
A place he never took anyone before, not even Alkaios knows the location of. They're only together for a few months, and perhaps he's being hasty, he shouldn't trust Lowe so easily. However, someone that fights so hard for his life even when he himself has given up on it, should be worthy of knowing his deepest secrets.
''I'll ask the Prince'', Lowe says with a soft nod, he can ask a favor of Gutierre to watch Raphael just for one day. Whatever it is Rainier wants to show him must be important enough for him to make such a sad expression while talking about it.
Their moment together is interrupted by the butler entering the room, Lowe gets off Rainier's lap and his face becomes red due to embarrassment.
''You called? Young master?'' The butler is old enough to retire, his face is filled with wrinkles, his back is arched and his voice is slow and calm, although he's already too old, he still exudes the elegance a butler must. Every now and then Lowe asks him for advice on his own training.
''Yes, Clément, please prepare a small breakfast for Lowe'', Rainier says with a smile as he watches his lover blush for being caught being clingy to him.
''As you wish'', the butler answers.
''There's no need for anything fancy, please, just toast will be more than enough'', Lowe pleads.
The old butler smiles. ''Don't worry Mister Lowe, only the best is provided for the beloved of the young master'', the man seems to be enjoying the embarrassment of the younger ones.
''Exactly Clément, it's good that you understand my feelings'', Rainier says with a laugh.
''No, I'm truly not even that hungry'', Lowe protests, but the butler has already turned to leave. ''Wait, Clément!'' He runs after him, turning to wave at Rainier before running off.
I'm glad he's comfortable here now, the man thinks as he goes back to the documents he was dealing with earlier.
❥
A cold gust of wind makes Rainier close his coat tightly, he's standing near the edge of the Capital, people entering and leaving the city, crossing the portal that borders it, merchants, commoners and nobles, all kinds of people sharing the same space at the same time. His recently cut red hair is hidden underneath a brown beret, his red eyes are now blue due to the use of a disguise potion Lowe himself gave him and he's wearing a long brown coat to hide his strong features. He's pretty sure most of the Knights crossing his path recognized him, but they didn't say a word, aware that if the Captain of the Silver Crows is in disguise then they shouldn't interrupt his mission, whatever that might be.
However he isn't in disguise for a mission this time, he's simply hiding himself amongst the commoners to have a quiet birthday with his lover.
Four days ago was the Crown Prince's birthday, the party filled with nobles was suffocating, Rainier was glad he was there as a Knight and not another noble. Besides the occasional gossip, it was an uneventful night, even the Second Prince who's been the center of gossip lately was quiet, his dark circles were no joke. Rainier remembers seeing him near his aide and thinking they're matching on how deep their dark circles were. Lowe only commented in passing that Prince Nikias was busy with the inauguration of his store and the whole situation with the new cult that appeared in the Capital at the beginning of the month.
But today this isn't something Rainier wants to think about, right now he isn't Rainier Bauldry, future Duke of the South and Captain of the Silver Crows, but simply Rainier, Lowe's lover and birthday boy.
''Sorry for being late'', Lowe's voice catches the man's attention, he stares at him in silence for a few seconds before a soft smile appears on his lips.
Absolutely lovely, that is how Lowe appears to him right now, his hair is styled back and he's wearing casual clothes, a black shirt, light blue pants and a long black coat, however what is even more surprising is the pair of shoes on his feet, dark brown boots that were a gift from Rainier two months ago. The man that complained about the gift and even claimed it to be a waste of money, is wearing it right now.
''Are they comfortable?'' Rainier asks, making Lowe blush.
''A bit'', he answers, hesitantly. ''I just wore because…''
''I know, I'm happy you did'', Rainier says, still smiling. He grabs the man's hand. ''Let's go, it's quite the walk''. Lowe nods, following him.
They walk in silence for a while, until they reach the beginning of the forest that surrounds the Capital, the forest is relatively safe, and even some children play around there and gather herbs and mushrooms. ''I never got this deep into the Blessed Forest'', Lowe comments.
The Blessed Forest has such a name due to the silver glimmer its trees get at night, courtesy of the Moon goddess, not only that, but the abundance presence of sprites inside the forest, also made the people believe its grounds are blessed by the goddess. The lack of monsters or any other creatures besides harmless herbivores makes Lowe believe in such rumors.
''Most people avoid it, it's near the border with the Tangled Forest'', Rainier says, his voice is almost a whisper, and his hand is clenched in Lowe's, as if he's scared of letting it go, his expression is serious and calm, but Lowe can feel a light shaking on the man's fingers.
The Tangled Forest borders with the Blessed Forest and proceeds to extend until the beginning of the East Dukedom. It's known for its vines and difficult to navigate grounds, it's also crawling with animals that were contaminated with monster blood, making them unpredictable and dangerous, that's why most people never even get near there.
''Don't worry, we won't enter it'', Rainier says after a few seconds, he turns to look at Lowe, only for a second, he looks distressed.
''Are you ok?'' Lowe asks, worried.
''Yes, I just never…'' He sighs. ''I never showed this place to anyone.''
Another long silence settles between them and lasts until they reach a big open field, the place looks clean and well-kept, there's a big field of gardenias' bushes and other medicinal herbs, the strong scent of the flowers fills the field. At the middle there is a small cabin, built with local dark wood, and everything is exceptionally well preserved for a place so hidden.
''There's a barrier here'', Rainier points to a tree they passed a few moments ago. ''My healing mana also works on plants and other inanimate objects'', he continues, as to explain why everything is so well-kept. He walks towards the cabin and Lowe follows him in silence, he does want to say something, but the longing and pain in the man's eyes make him stay silent. Rainier touches the outside of the cabin with longing, the wood is cold and damp, if he weren't constantly maintaining the place, it would have collapsed sooner or later.
Well, just like before.
''I have an exceptional memory'', Rainier says, taking a seat on the cabin's small porch, watching the wind move the gardenias' bushes.
Lowe takes a seat next to him, still silent, he rests his head on the man's shoulder, as if to say he's there to listen to him.
''I remember everything from when I was 1 and a half until nowadays, a few memories become blurrier with time, especially the ones I wish to forget.'' He places his hand on Lowe's lower back. ''My parents died when I was four'', he already told Lowe before, but never delved into details. ''They left to fish in the middle of summer, as they always did, I went along, playing on the shore as I waited for them to be back…'' He pauses, his eyes darkening as the turmoil of emotions inside his chest surfaces. ''I don't remember much on how I got to the Capital after that, I couldn't find the cabin because I was most often asleep during the long trips out of the Forest''.
A gush of wind makes the man pause as he watches a few of the gardenias losing their petals. He does his best to always keep them blooming, but he can't fight nature all the time.
''It took me eleven years to find this place again'', he continues. ''It was destroyed, her fields, the house had collapsed and the well we used to draw water from dried up''. He leans back laying on the porch. ''I slowly built everything back to how I remembered, but the memory of a child filled with innocence isn't that reliable'', he laughs dryly, his gaze on the dark clouds gathering far away. It will soon start to rain, of course the weather won't be nice on his birthday, why would it?
''You did a good job'', Lowe finally speaks, his voice low and his tone sincere.
''Thank you…'' The red-haired man smiles, taking off his beret and turning to look at his lover. His eyes show sadness, but deep down he's glad to not be there alone. He always wondered if he should show this place to Evangelia or Alkaios, but would they understand? Those who never suffered a day in their lives, would they get what it feels like to be surrounded by the memories of loving parents that died so soon?
He only has 3 years of memories with his parents, memories he fought to never forget, clinging to them to never lose his mind or heart. Kind parents that lived a humble life apart from society, he wishes he remembered much more about them than he does, even if part of their teachings are still fresh in his mind, their faces and voices already became fogged.
Of course he remembers bits and pieces, way more than the usual 22 year-old would remember from their days as a 3 year old. ''I don't have any pictures or paintings of them, perhaps if I went to their families, I could find something''. He pauses, his heart beating fast inside his chest. ''Lowe, I never shared this with anyone, not even Alkaios, do you understand that?'' His words sound like a plea, begging his lover to never let word out of what he's telling him.
''Of course, Rainier'', Lowe says, he could've felt offended by the mere thought he might share the other's secrets, but the despair in the man's eyes stopped him from commenting further.
''It hasn't been long I've known that I have family besides my deceased parents, not that I'll ever reach out to them'', he says, his voice becoming a whisper as the wind muffles their voices. ''When I came back here at 15 all I did was work on restaurants everything to how it was in my memories, as I dig into the fallen roof and debris, I found old documents and belongings from me and my parents'', with such words he gets up, extending the hand to Lowe who takes it silently. Rainier proceeds to open the cabin's door.
The insides of the cabin are simple yet cozy, furniture made of wood, walls covered with beautiful tapestry and the small place makes everything feel warm. The kitchen and living room are combined, the stove is rustic and uses an open flame and a cauldron, the sofa is carved in wood and the cushion is made of wool, the fireplace is also so simple it makes Lowe remember of the house he used to live in as a child. He can see two other doors where he imagines the bathroom and bedroom must be, but they're closed. In between spaces there's a table also carved from wood with three chairs and a cloth made of silk, at the middle of the table there's a vase with wilted gardenias.
''It's warm in here'', Lowe comments, following Rainier to sit on the couch, the cushion is hard but warm.
''My father made all of our furniture, it was mostly rotten and broken when I came here, it took me four years to finish it all, and it's probably different from before… Except for the fireplace and the chairs, which somehow survived the collapse of the roof'', he tilts his head, placing it comfortably on Lowe's shoulder. ''The tapestries, sheets and other fabrics were all brought or made by my mother, she was good with her hands, always working on new tapestries or the garden'', he pauses, fighting his tears. ''She told me the places in the tapestries are places she went with father after they married'', he chuckles. ''They never married, you know''.
Rainier gets up from the sofa, going to the fireplace where he grabs a small metal box and brings it back.
''I found this buried under the floor planks'', Rainier says, opening the box carefully where he grabs a few letters from. ''These are letters exchanged between my parents and their families''. He gives it to Lowe, unable to read them again himself.
Slowly Lowe opens the first letter, holding his breath, worried about what he might read that makes Rainier so emotional.
To my lovely Amelia,
Where did everything go wrong? Why is the word coming apart after we met? How do I feel this pain growing bigger everyday apart from you? The Emperor grows dissatisfied, his new concubines still haven't given him new children, at this pace, the three Princes won't have any new competition. I don't understand the need of pining children against each other, the need of bringing pain inside their own homes.
Yesterday I was told to protect Prince Dequan in his journey across the countryside to meet his mother's family. I never saw so many monsters in the same place, and once we arrived, I had to carry the two year old across a field of poisonous plants. How can one survive such peril?
Oh how my loyalty was questioned when I refused to let the two-year-old walk alone. Amelia, am I the one in the wrong? Is this how it's supposed to be?
Another war is brewing soon, I will probably be deployed as one of the Commanders from the Imperial Brigade. I do not wish to fight another war, to kill children again. Amelia, when will we be able to meet again?
My heart aches for every day I am apart from you.
Your beloved,
Orgil.
Lowe reads the first letter, love letters make him feel weird, how can people express their feelings so easily? But that wasn't what surprised him the most, by what he understood from it, Rainier's father was a soldier for an Empire, and not only that, Dequan is the name of the First Prince of the Hai Empire. How did a soldier from the Hai Empire end up here? A Commander nonetheless?
He grabs the next letter.
To my foolish son,
Orgil, do you believe life is made of fantasies and dreams? Have I not taught you the perils one must go through to fulfil their duties as men and soldiers? Our life isn't our own to decide, but we're all pawns in the game his majesty plays. You mustn't harbor ideas of treason or insubordination. Haven't you put your mother through enough after you said you'd marry a harlot from another Kingdom?
A harlot for the goddess sake! Is it her breasts, her body or the experience of pleasuring hundred soldiers that brought you these foolish ideas?
Do not speak of desertion any longer, or your mother might as well fall ill.
Your actions do not dirty your reputation alone, but ours as well.
Give it a few years and you'll inherit my title as Count and marry a good noble virgin woman.
If you wish to continue this foolish path, then please, forget your family before you ruin more lives than your own.
From your angered father.
That's… harsh, Lowe thinks as he folds the letter after reading it, just how much brainwashing one must go through to believe their lives belong to others? His eyes go to Rainier, who's caressing his thighs with his eyes closed, as if he's trying to calm himself down.
Amelia,
I am writing this letter in a haste. War broke off last night, the Eil Empire attempted to usurp the throne, but failed, amidst the chaos I managed to sneak off to the boat I told you about a few letters ago. My father disfigured my face with a hot iron clad when I told him I would be leaving the family and the Empire.
My lovely Amelia, will you still love this brute that doesn't even have his face to show off anymore?
Once I manage to find a safe place for us to live in I'll rescue you as well.
Please believe me my love, we will live the life we dream of.
Your beloved,
Orgil.
''My father had a nasty scar from his left eye to his chin, his vision was terrible and he often told me fancy fake stories on how he got the scar. From fighting a shark to invading a Dragon's lair'', Rainier whispers with an amused tone, his eyes are still closed, but he must've peeked at what Lowe was reading. ''To find out the truth after so long… I couldn't even mock him for trying to look cool''. He pauses. ''They loved each other a lot…''
''They did'', Lowe says, although he isn't sure, he says it in a way to make Rainier feel better, is love all it took for his father to leave the Hai Empire? Why would one sacrifice so much for such an abstract feeling?
Orgil,
It's been weeks and your bird hasn't reached me anymore, my dear, are you well? My mana isn't as grand as yours to be able to reach you far away, hopefully you're well and near so that you're able to read this letter.
The Duke came again yesterday, his touches made my skin crawl and my heart clenched. This job imposed on me by the misfortunes of my family never hurt so much. He said he'll return in three nights to get me as his mistress. My love, what should I do?
I unfortunately can't help but think of the worst, if the sea swallowed you, or if they caught you in your way, my heart races at every thought I have of you. My colleagues say you have abandoned me, that one cannot trust a soldier of the ruthless Hai Empire, however I do not believe them.
Only we know of the love we share.
The day you crossed the door of this dirty establishment, our gazes met and you chose me to serve you at night yet didn't dare to place your hand on my body. The conversations of art, poetry and magic, love, they do not know of any of it. How it took months for our lips to meet and bodies to entangle, or even how you're crossing the sea to be with me at last.
Perhaps the despair of living in this run-down Kingdom made them cynical.
My love, please, return to my arms so that we can both leave our despair behind and live the life we talked about.
My heart longs for you.
From your love,
Amelia.
You damned stupid girl!
How dare you offend the Duke? Refusing his offer to be his mistress? Do you not know how such an offer could raise our standings? Even if you open your legs to the Emperor, you wouldn't be able to have such a thing! Think about your family! How much longer do you think we can survive with the pennies you make with your used body?
You'll never be able to marry a respectable boy with a used hole.
So be grateful and bow down to the Duke and beg for his reconsideration!
Lowe pauses, holding his breath, he's unable to finish the letter, the amount of curses written there are enough to make a grown man blush of embarrassment, and the pain in his chest of imagining how Rainier's mother had to read that from her own mother…
''Mother had to do… that job… to pay off her family's debts, they used to be lower nobles, but her father gambled their money away and used their two daughters as payment'', Rainier comments, looking at Lowe now. ''Her sister died after one of her clients got violent, and my mother carried the burden alone before my dad came to get her.'' He takes a deep breath. ''It wasn't easy to read those letters, especially the ones from her mother and brother, begging her to accept the Duke, or even the letters they exchanged about her sister's death''. Rainier grabs the letters from Lowe's hand. ''You don't need to read it all, I can tell you the rest, I think'', he says, unsure.
''You don't have to'', Lowe says as he sees the man is about to cry.
''I don't cry that easily, Lowe'', he says with a smile, he didn't even cry the first time he read those letters, all he felt was the pain of knowing how much his parents went through. ''My father settled here, he built the cabin in a hidden place and casted a barrier so that they would be safe, after that he went to the Whisperia Kingdom to get my mother. I don't know much of what happened after that, since they didn't exchange any more letters… But I found this one'', he grabs the last letter from the pile, giving it to Lowe.
Orgil, you've left not long ago to hunt, I know, but there are some things that are hard to say face to face. We've been in this cabin for a year already, and I've never been happier. The days we have together in our own place, away from the pain that filled our bodies in the past are pure bliss. Everything we said our future would be, became true. I know, you must be thinking, 'not everything', since we dreamed of having a child as well. However, it did, everything we wished for, came true. My love, I am with child, it's been a month, I was scared of telling you before being sure, so I hid and went to visit a physician in the city, selling a few of my flowers to pay. My love, our child is growing inside my body and soon we'll become the happiest family we've dreamed of.
I am grateful for you, I love you Orgil.
And I'll love our little baby, be it our little Rainier or little Rieka.
That said, our baby is craving rabbit.
''They sound happy'', Lowe says at last, unable to understand the feeling inside his chest.
''Yes, I was really shocked to know my true origins, but at the end I couldn't even be angry at them, even if I can't ever reveal such facts, they loved me and each other so much they settled for a life apart from society for the rest of their lives'' Rainier sighs, ''I am glad I took after my mother, though, father had clear features from the Empire, I would have been killed as a young boy''.
''Your mom had red hair and eyes too?'' Lowe asks, ''Those aren't very prominent in the Whisperia Kingdom as well''.
Rainier shakes his head. ''Mom was blonde'', he says. ''I was sick as a baby, I don't know what I had since we don't have any registry of it, but after that my hair and eyes changed color and my mana started manifesting. I remember mom saying red matched me more than the blue eyes I had inherited from her or the black hair I got from father''.
''It could've been mana poisoning, since the forest is dense in mana and you were a baby…'' Lowe comments, his expression is serious as he thinks about the possibilities. ''There's also Halian Spots, an illness from the Hai Empire some children get, since their mana is more rough due to the dense atmosphere of the Empire, if their bodies can't hold all the mana they accumulated inside their mother's womb…'' Lowe is stopped by Rainier's laugh.
''Lowe, it doesn't matter what illness I got as a baby'', he says. ''I'm glad I shared this with you, if the only thing you're worried about is why my hair and eye color changed as a baby'', he brushes his hand on Lowe's cheek with a smile. ''Lowe, I am glad we met, I am glad you invited me to do something crazy that night and I am glad you're the one next to me here''.
''I don't know how I feel, but I do think I enjoy your company now'', Lowe answers after a few moments of silence, he's unsure of how to express his feelings properly, his heart races but his mind is hazy, even the words that normally would come naturally feel stiff. ''At first you were just…'' he trails off, he cannot seem to make the words leave his mouth, or even remember how they're supposed to sound. ''Annoying'', he says at last, the word doesn't properly resume what he felt before, the pain of seeing someone that succeeded in life while they both had the same origins, or the anger he felt on how he provoked him unwarranted based on prejudiced assumptions he made on Prince Nikias. Rainier used to be Lowe's forever reminder that it didn't matter how far he ran away from his past, he would never be able to come to the light.
However he was wrong. Rainier wasn't happier than him just because he had money or a title, he was just as lost, broken and bound by the origins of his blood. At first their relationship hurt him, deeply, the constant reminder that he was just an experiment subject and an invisible servant for an useless Prince he was attached to, but he gave into the lust, the feeling of numbness, having your brain turn into mush as the waves of pleasure washed his body. Then, it was the loneliness that made him say yes to an official relationship he had a lot of reasons to say no to.
When they started dating, Lowe felt nothing would change, at most they would have sex and talk a bit more about their private lives. And again, he was wrong, at first they would just chat, slowly allowing each other into parts of their lives they never experienced before, things he would never even admit to his brother, like the burden of being the protector of his younger brother in the Tower, or the tortures he went through there. Slowly he and Rainier became closer, the snarky remarks, the provocations and rude words out of mere self-satisfaction, hurting each other to protect themselves all faded and they found out they have more in common than previously they believed.
And Lowe's feelings of attachment only became stronger when he learned of Rainier's future death, the fear of being alone again, of losing the only person he was able to become closer to by himself not because of Raphael's words or choices, someone that sees him individually and not the less charismatic twin or the smartass that makes others suffer by comparison.
In the end, Rainier became part of Lowe's life, a part he doesn't truly wish to get rid of anymore. But how can he put all of these feelings he doesn't even know himself how to describe or put labels on into words for Rainier to understand? To understand why Lowe cares or even how much he appreciates his feelings.
Tears start to prickle his eyes, but he avoids blinking to not let them flow, ''Now I don't want you to die'', his words are muffled and his chest hurts, he doesn't understand why he feels like crying, the way Rainier just shared something so private with him and told him words that made his heart clench. ''I can't explain why'', Lowe whispers, lowering his head, fighting the unfamiliar tears. ''But I can't stand the idea of losing you''.
Rainier pauses, he watches Lowe as he trembles, even while he spoke of the tortures of the Northern Tower, he never cried, how should he react? He cannot lie, not when Lowe was always the utmost sincere, nor can he promise empty words that could cause him even more harm.
''I'm sorry'', Rainier whispers simply, resting his head on top of Lowe's as he caresses the man's hand, holding it tightly.
The tears fall, and Lowe's cries in silence, his mana slowly leaking, covering the insides of the cabin with a black mist, Rainier's nose bleeds but he doesn't move or complain, even as the prickling pain of the poison and his mana reacting to it fills his body.