I become myself.
The safety in this moment reminds me of what mattered, and after countless occurrences of that reminding previously making me obsessed with staying lucid to the reality, I've decided this time to appreciate the immersion I barely have the chance to experience.
I can't remember anything, other than the fact that I used to have so many memories that held me back from being this true self.
How did I forget it all?
I don't know, but I don't think I want to know.
I find myself in the early morning at the doorstep of a Shinto shrine, and there I wonder around looking for anyone else.
Laid on a table, I see a bunch of board games. I choose to play to pass the time, but one thing catches my eye, a stack of blank paper with a pencil, sharpener, and eraser next to it.
I decide to spend the time trying to draw something, and that's when I imagine clearly the vision of a girl I want to meet.
I start drawing, and after hours of countless attempts, rubbing out the lines I make so much that the paper is ruined and I have to attempt on a new blank sheet, attempt after attempt, eventually, I get into the flow of things to observe my imagination and how to translate that into lines on a piece of paper.
It comes out, wrong, and I don't know immediately what about it is wrong, so in order to correct this I decide to get more blank pages and practice drawing the same thing with a scaffolding approach, first trying to get the perspective of the room that the girl is in correct, and then placing her in the pose I'm aiming for with measured proportions.
I personally find it easier to measure the legs against the length of the toreso, instead of using a consistent unit of measurement like the size of the head for each part of the body.
After doing that, I attempt to make thinner lines so that the details aren't bunched up together, and attempt a bigger frame by using tape to piece the blank pages together to lean more into that same effect.
I draw her over and over again, and the image of the girl I want to meet becomes more and more apparent.
Her details that were once stylised or made up of simplified forms stays the same intended image, only that the texture added makes the light and shadows more easy the read.
Then I go back to the desk, and choose some colours.
Days pass, and not once did I feel the need to rest.
I attempt different approaches to colouring, before settling for my own style. I choose to emphasis on the colour of the environmental lighting and have that show in relation to the base colours by leaning more into bounce light and minimal ambiance occlusion.
I finish a drawing.
Then I immediately attempt another, and another.
Eventually there are hundreds of finished drawings depicting the same subject, but I play around with different perspective and styles and symbols that frame the same unchanging, perfected image of the girl.
I then time myself, to see how fast can I make an entire piece from imagination, and if it's possible to make it based on principles instead of constant patience for self-correction.
I draw her thousands of times, making fewer mistakes every 5 pieces.
I was first confused about if there was a way to get this confidence across all art styles I had developed simultaneously, but then I quickly that the only way to get better was to do thousands of attempts per style.
Eventually, I developed a yearning to walk around in that environment, having completely forgotten where I was long ago while I remained in this flow.
So, I instinctively looked around for a computer, wanting to make the environment with a 3D game engine if that were possible.
I wander around looking for this next curiosity, and then I spot a computer, and beside it, an entire CPU dicing manufacturing machine.
Interesting that there's an option to make my own computer down to 1nm sized transistors, and from the looks of its design, it seems to be commercialised as an ordinary household appliance, so it must be cheap in this day and age.
Speaking of, I don't even know what year it is.
I turn on the computer next to the 'computer hardware printer', and it says that the date is the year 5333.
I don't really have anything to compare to for the number to stand out, so I guess it's just a number.
Trying to understand what's infront of me now, just so I can be able to start working on my 3D video game project, I find this hurdle of the login screen a tough opponent.
I type in the pin: 1234
It opens.
I then navigate over to the terminal and type in /help, and it tells me that /help is not a command.
I look around the desk for an instruction manual, and I find a book on how to use the internet.
There is no web browser, it has to be made, which I figured since my assumption was that I had to send a download request for the application I wanted, though I need to browse for the potential applications.
Needing a web browser, I find a section in the index of the book that explains how to receive a list of websites with descriptions based on keywords put in.
I decide to create a script using the programming language to make this happen, but I don't know how the language works or even what it's called.
The next section in the book says that the entire operating system and its default applications are all made from assembly, so I guess that's not an option.
I look around the room, and notice some bookshelves, and one of them is "learn assembly".
I decide to make my own web browser using assembly so I can find a 3D modeling software and game engine, but that then gives me the idea, if I can make these tools with assembly, why not make my own 3D art software and game engine in it?
I then decide to make that be my first project, so that way I can skip the middle man of having to build a web browser without even the guarantee that there's even anything on the web in the year of 5333.
I spend weeks going through the book's practice projects, and eventually I get the hang of it, I'm able to make a small video game, but I don't really care for mechanics outside of exploration, so I begin to make something that simulates walking around a 3D environment.
I decide that my approach is to have the pixels on the screen be decided on which colour it should be by talking to the GPU by using 2D sprites I draw to map their orientation.
The math I use to have this happen is something that stumped me, so I got out the whiteboard in the room and tried to create a formula.
Pondering for hours, I wondered if there was any math textbooks on this book shelf that could help with 3D graphics, and sure enough, there was.
I find the forumula I needed immediately, and although I don't really understand how or why it works, I decide to move on and focus on making the game now.
I then create automation tools for making 3D models, such as polygons being interactable within the editor window using my mouse, and having to the side the ability to specify the placement of a highlighted verticy in the coordinates of a 3D space.
I decide to name the axis H (horizontal), V (vertical), and D (depth).
Finally, I'm able to type make a 3D model by typing in the position of vertices that make up connected or separated polys.
I then create a folder system structure, and a modification options for multi-selection for verts, edges, and faces.
Then once I make reach the point that modeling becomes fast enough using my tools to make a grey box of the environment and the girl's general proportions within the 3D environment, I realise that I still haven't got any colour specified for my polys since I was too busy trying to get the 3D meshes easy to make.
I then try to make the same quality of drawings I made down stairs but using the mouse, but since my only tool in the drawing software I made is a one pixel brush for a pixelated canvas, I decided that I needed to increase the speed of 2D digital art creation by having different brush sizes and texture options.
I decide that making a canvas equal to the pixel resolution of the screen will take advantage of the hardware in front of me, but then I wondered if the computer part printer next to the PC has the option to make my own better monitor, however, was it worth it? How many pixels can my eyes actually see for it to matter?
I see a book on the bookshelf that has an introduction on human anatomy, so I decide to go to the section that talks about the eyes and hoped to find a unit of measurement that was responsible for the resolution of biological eyesight.
There was nothing on it, and the information it tells isn't something I can trust without testing it myself, however, there is no one here except for myself to be able to dissect the parts of the brain and the eyes that are responsible for each aspect of vision, and I need my brain and eyes right now to be able to continue making art of the girl, so I decided to post pone the creation of a new monitor for after I have the 3D modeling and 2D drawing software for texturing created, since it should be transferable to other hardware components.
I then open the instruction manual for the PC to find its hardware specs, and it says that the resolution is 3840 × 2160 pixels, and doing the math, which takes me hours of contemplation just to figure out the sum of these timesed numbers in a way that allows me to confirm that the formula I made and used for solving smaller test numbers is applicable to these bigger numbers, revealed to have this replay to have a total of exactly 8294400 pixels (approximately 8.3million).
With that much space to draw on, it's perfect.
More weeks go by, and I complete the drawing program and managed to make a few textures for the meshes I made, but then I realised something else.
I'm missing environmental lighting and shadows.
If I want that to happen, then I need the math for its physics, and I don't even know how much calculations the GPU is capable of handling for the max amount of accuracy in detail, and what sort of factors go into quality and performance.
Thankfully, this computer hasn't crashed, but my own applications have many times.
This time however, while trying to do this apply the graphics programming lessons I got from the book's lighting and shadow section, I chose to use a library of assembly functions that the operating system uses for the GUI of the login screen and desktop to cheat around the need to make the same thing that it likely and has provably needed in my own program can use; the highlight UI function, used for hovering over a button.
I had hoped to use its dynamic colour change that is based on realtime input, as well as the mouse cursor, to be able to define the speed of light in my program, I ended up saving an edit I made to the OS's GUI assembly code, and I lost where abouts is it that my typo remains.
I then decide that making my own programming language would be better than not having one after dealing with this time waste of an issue, and I choose to name it "Her Voice", in reference to the girl I want to meet through this creation.
I grow conflicted by the naming as I work on the programming language, and begin to wonder where it is that this idea of Her even came from in the first place.
This curiosity, it makes the peacefulness of amnesia meaningless, because still a memory from my forgotten past shackles me.
She is not my limitation, she is my focused, devoted, purpose.
But the only way to make sense of the potential of this purpose and its origins is to investigate the past I want to avoid.
I decide to take a break from my computer, and wonder around for others in search for answers regarding my existence and everything that exists around me.
I go into the remaining rooms I have yet to explore, and in one, I spot a large invisible crab.
"Ohh, I miss this.", feeling the urge to read a certain fiction novel.
The crab then tries to steal my weight, only for it to run away as I remain to be the exact same as I was before.
"Hey! You're not supposed to do that!! I have struggles too, trust!"
I then reminisce about a former depiction I had of the girl I wish to meet, grow an anticipation to meet her under specific circumstances I now have the imagination for.
I daydream of an organisation where most people are boring, but being honest with my sense of adventure I encounter another cut from the same cloth, it's Her.
We ditch the externally imposed responsibilities of the organisation we were forced to be apart of, and develop a sense of belonging together as we explore what the world has to offer and our purpose that exists within the context of its story.
I daydream that story to include details of chaos, and me needing to fill in the role of hero along side Her and the friends we make along the way.
These details are understood to be anticipated as such, but the clarity/vision of the specifics for such narrative details have yet to mature within my newly found imagination, for all the practice I have with creativity is depicting the same presence of Her from different angles in both a 2D and a half done 3D medium.
I decide to come back to the 3D project later, because now I realise that maybe this girl could be real, and I could actually strive to meet her and have an adventure that shares a similar spirit of the things I feel drawn to daydreaming about.
Going with the flow of my daydreams, while still aiming to be productive, I search for some sort of entertainment to input more source of inspiration within my imagination, so I go to the bookshelf and pack a bag of fiction novels for my journey outside of the Shinto shrine.
I also grab a music player with earphones, and listen to music for the first time.
Listening to one, my experience of the present moment introduces a meriade of presences I hadn't previously conceived outside of Her's, and I grow excited by the possibility that my life is a story of stories.
The different styles/genres/themes are inconsistent and change every 3 minutes, which confuses my heart for a time, but then I decide to make the decision stick to a single style of music that I'm in the mood for instead of having it change based on the random (to me) order of the playlist.
I skip some songs, trying ones that have the atmosphere I want to keep maintained, and having walked for a couple of days in a single direction, I stumble across a town outside of the wilderness that the Shinto shrine I came from was submerged in.
I still see no one around, but I see details about the world's history being explained.
I don't care much for these references/explainations, so I skim over them without association/interpretation, and just keep observing for something else that could capture my instincts to pay attention to, similarly to the table of activities that includes the chance for me to create drawings on the right side of its many options.
Having stumbled around while listening to music and reading the book in my hand at the same time, I reached the back of the cover while I was located in the town square, and decided to sentimentally carve a mark in the place I sat to say that this book, being book 1, had been completed in this spot.
The symbol I spend a couple of hours carving into the concrete slab I hat on was a heart with the number 1 in the middle.
After doing that, I spent some time daydreaming, imagining the anticipation I had for the sequel I was about to read, as well as what I life could be hopefully in the near future that would begin in the same exciting way as it had for the protagonist at the start of this gripping tale.
The specific details of my inner world are clarified/envisioned now, and I become inspired to be like the protagonist in the story I had just read over the story I have experienced until now about me chasing the presence of the girl I wish to meet.
Now my new wish is to become someone that the girl would mutually want to meet, and there at that concrete slab I begin to do pushups in striving to achieve my ideal physique in preparation for a perfect first impression for the day we meet.
I grow sore quickly, but having read in the story about the fact that the main character liked to play basket ball and impressed the fail lead within it through the skills he had within the activity, I decided to give that sport a go.
I had no ball or hoop, but I did have things to throw and self-made targets to aim at.
Once I began, my aim was way off, sometimes I was manage to throw the soda-can I found behind me while I was charging my throw, but I kept aiming for the wooden stump that was in the middle of the abandoned road that was directly infront of the concrete slab I sat upon.
I would run back and forth, playing fetch with myself.
My cardiovascular stamina and endurance increased, but eventually my threshold for stamina increased enough that I wouldn't be tired anymore apart from the fact that I had played this activity for hours without a break, which is more so endurance than stamina by that point.
I decided to change up the rules of the game to make it so I was force to run faster, or increase the weight load I had to carry as I continued to play fetch with myself, and every now and then I would attempt to do push ups, sit ups, and squats, and pull ups to increase my strength.
Months go by, and the sun having never set from the moment I awoke at the Shinto shrine, and I look down at my abs to see that they are defined with tight skin.
Over the course of those months, I had learned how to balance the need for stretching for mobility and ergonomic posture along side the efforts to increase my strength and speed.
I have no mirror, I don't even know what my face looks like, but I have had a few glazes in the reflection of windows of the abandoned stores that made up the layout of the town, which by that point I had mapped out the entire vacuity of the the town with photographic memory.
I was hoping to find a sketch book as I explored outside of the Shinto shrine, that's why I left all my art supplies behind since it wasn't sensible when I needed to pack light for having the books I wanted to read, but thankfully, I managed to find some things I could paint on and with, but no bonded paper sketchbook, which I really want that so I can actually carry my previous works around.
Curious however, because of the exercises I felt the need to eat and drink finally, so I started adopting that behaviour in order to optimise my recovery from exercises, even though for whatever reason I technically don't need it.
Also, sleeping. I've found the need to rest by going unconscious, however thanks to sleeping I have been able to experience something my attempt to make a digital, interactable 3D environment could only hope to achieve, an actual dream.
My dream came true just from the fact that I could actually dream while asleep, and in each of those dreams, I have been able to meet and talk with the girl I wish to meet for real.
I continue to talk with her within my daydreams/imagination, and my memories from these inner world experiences have shaped the backstory to ground my devotion, sense of mission, purpose, and sincere yearning towards this unwaveringly ecstatic adventure I have at last begun, though on my own for now.
Though, at the same time, it doesn't feel as though I am alone, her presence has developed a strength/influence in my life one way or another, and I'm convinced that everything I have gone through while imagining her with me is a memory she shares somewhere out there. That's my hope, that my delusions of giving her imaginary figure autonomy comes from the fact that it is of her own freewill, instead of being generated from within me.
I am alone with her, rather than lonely, and that's what's so beautiful about it. I can do this for hundreds of years and I'll still be satisfied.
After getting the 8 pack of my dreams, and having read all the fiction books I packed in my bag in the same spot as where I finished the first, I decided to change my approach to my declaration of completing a book to be deserving of a location that marked the completion of the entire franchise as well as my own personal goal being completed at the start of this adventure that was instigated/inspired by this book series' main character, and it was to make an entire statue.
I chose to make a statue that depicted the girl I wish to meet with the details of the story I have been immersed in, for previously my artistic depictions of her were a plane/cleanslate, but now I have given her accessories and style fit for the history of the the fictional world that I am currently feeling a sense of belong to.
The style of the town does not fit the style of the statue I plan to attempt, since it has its own history which I have still yet to give a second thought about.
Anyways, moving on, I now need to know how to do skulpting.
I have found the act of making the engraving into the concrete satisfying, but I don't know how well of a material concrete will be when it comes to making statues.
There is no bookshelf here, but the local library I have yet to walk into has something on sculpting?
I walk over to the far left side of the town from the direction I face when sitting on the concrete slab with the wooden stump that is on the abandoned road in front of me, and I go over to the monetary I recall going past on many occasions while on my many runs.
I open the door, and inside I see many, many books.
I grow excited by the appeal that books have to me now, though I have nothing specific to look forward to apart from being a fan of these box shapes.
I wonder around, and get lost immediately.
I then read the shelves and realise that there is an organisational structure that is designed around the placement of these books within the library? And begin to look for the art section so as to find a book on sculpting. It takes me about 8 hours before I finally find a book that includes reference to sculpting practices, but it's not enough detail on how to make or aquire the material used in sculpting, only the tools and their sculpting methods, which I don't have those tools either to practice on anything with.
It does say however that limestone is good and durable, but it assumes I can buy it, and I don't have a the PC with me to make a web browser to find an online store where it can be delivered.
I then decide to pack my back of two fictional books, knowing how long the trip was last time, and start running with the gained stamina and endurance I now have to track back up into the wilderness in the direction of the Shinto shrine.
It turns out to be pretty hard to read and run at the same time, so I decided to keep them packed in my bag, which thankfully because I ran instead of walked while reading this time, I was able to reach the Shinto shrine within a couple of hours instead of 2 days; I've gotten very fast at running.
I make my way into the building, and I notice something immediately different.
The art I made that was scattered everywhere at the front entrance, had been neetly stacked, placed into plastic sleeves, and placed into binding folders.
"Hello!", I shout with happiness, very appreciative to the person who's likely the owner of this place to have taken care of my art once they returned.
I hear footsteps from upstairs in the direction of the computer room about to come down.
"Oh my, it appears we have yet another visitor.", the voice of a woman is heard, her tone is respectable and high class.
"Another visitor? If you're talking about the person who made the art and software, that was me!", I say enthusiastically, but then I go from a state of self confidence to one of awe.
I'm in awe, of her appearance.
The girl has fox ears and a kimono that rests off the sides of her shoulders. You'd assume that framing to only work in art, since in real life that style of clothing is bound to be a constant wardrobe malfunction, and yet, it feels to remain sturdy enough to not become as such as she wears her kimono this way.
Her eyes are fox like too, and her hair is white.
She stares at me with wonder, and then I notice excitement in her wagging 9 tails.
"Oh my, you're not only an interesting mind, but you have quite the interesting face."
My face? What do I look like?
"You're by far one with a powerful presence, perhaps not from your actual strength, yet, but most certainly a matter of your willpower and speed of growth to fulfill your large potential."
"Haha, I mean, I just wanted to draw, I could have done anything for the subject o wanted to express my interest in."
"Your interest… this girl. Do you know who she is?"
"No, not really. I just know that she's someone I really wish to meet. I actually left for a while in search for answers for my past after doing what I did here, but… I ended up getting inspired to follow the path of the adventure I was immersed in based on the fiction novels I read from the bookshelf in the PC room that I brought with me on my journey, but I made my way to a town after reading the first book, and had an entire training arc in pursuit of this continued adventure that is entirely my own!"
"Entirely? But you were inspired, no? Also, you can't take things without others' permission."
"…", I don't know what to say, I didn't even know there was anyone living here to be honest, but now I feel bad about taking those books with me.
"I… um.. I brought the books back with me though. Also, I will at least clarify that I was not intending to intrude on your property in both the previous and the current occasion, I just didn't really know if there was anyone else in the world at this point, but I am so, so glad to see you. I do not want to give you a bad impression of me, because for me, you're the only other person I've actually met now."
"That is fine, I understand your situation, so I only mentioned what I did as an advice for how you should be mindful of most others. I forgive you."
"You know me? But isn't this our first time meeting?"
"That is true, but from the moment I locked eyes with you, I understood the your situation perfectly, because only an amnesiac with a newly found adventure has the gaze you do."
"You've met other amnesiacs with new adventures?"
"I was one of them myself, only that I gained this perspective not by chance as you have, but through the intention of exploring the psychology of such an archetype."
"WOW. You're smart."
"Thank you, but I just consider that behaviour a part of my craft as an author."
"You're an author? What books have you written?"
"Well, let's see… I would share my books with you if I had them in my possession still, but they have been missing ever since you brought them on that little journey with you."
"WAIT A MINUTE!!", I quickly unzip her bag that I've been using as if my own too, and quickly laid out the books on the floor.
I read the name of the author for this favourite franchise of mine out load, "IS YOUR NAME HISN?!"
"Yes, I am Hisn. The author of The Bigatari Series."
"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!", I rush over to her.
"!", she becomes flustered as I hug/squeeze her.
"Ahhh!! I can't believe it's actually you! You're the best author that has ever lived!! AHAHAHA!!!"
"Pfff. You're quite childlike. Well, since you've returned and you're my biggest fan, how about I formally invite you for some tea as we set things in order finally."
"Huh?", I wonder what she has planned.
We end up sitting behind the staircase of the lower floor in an open space in the back left from the direction of the table that had all the activities to choose from from when I first arrived. It's a part of the house I had only looked at but hadn't actually spent the time to walk around in, since it was obvious back then that no one was there while I was looking around for someone before making my journey that lead me to the town I spent months workout in its outdoors and mostly its town square.
She got out tea and biscuits for us to eat at the glossy, wooden dining table.
We sit across from one another as I await her starting of whatever this conversation is going to be about.
"You've tried expressing yourself through creative and consumerative means already, drawing, programming, inviting without any reference to previous historical softwares for 3D modeling, which by the way, I saw was your attempt to make it later into a video game, very impressive, as well as your consumerative behaviours coming from reading my books that inspired your further consumerative and creative decisions. Continued consumption is a form of expression too, but you have yet to attempt writing, have you?"
"Well, I've lacked an imagination for a while. I'm slowly forming a vision within daydreams for the sorts of details I yearn to experience, as well as in dreams I've been having while asleep recently when I choose to sleep, but I don't think I have enough of a creative or immersive imagination to intrinsically craft my own story that'd actually be as interesting as your book. My approach to storytelling I can expect will just be riddled with explainations and conceptual ideas."
"I've been there. Trying to understand your perspective I had to be faced with writer's block for the first time, and it lasted for many years before I learned how to return to my former self that simply observed or got immersed.
If you wish to have a pure, cleanslate mind, that amnesiac perspective you started with, while maintaining the opportunity for adventure crafting and a flow for immersive daydreaming, then best to start praying."
"Praying?"
"Yes, ask for the thing you want, even when what you want isn't clear, and in doing so you will get a response. Do not worry about the how or why, just do it and aquire its benefits."
"Hm, okay, I'll try."
My hands that clasp my tea are warmed at the palms, and I close my eyes.
Hours go by, as my mind remains in a state of frozen confusion instead of prayer, but eventually, through enough persistence, I'm able to get in the flow of sincere prayer.