"I don't understand why they even have an intermission during a Broadway show," Austin muttered impatiently, tapping his foot against the floor as they stood in line at the snack counter. The lobby was filled with chatter of other theater-goers, though unlike the movies, the crowd seemed a little more sophisticated. "If there were no intermission, we wouldn't be here waiting for snacks. The show's barely two hours long. Most movies are longer than that. They could easily finish it in one go if they wanted."
"Isn't it obvious?" Martha shot back. "Unlike movies, a stage play is live. The actors need time to recharge, drink water, use the restroom, things like that." She adjusted her grip on her playbill before continuing. "And while this is an ensemble show where no one person is a clear leading actor, I remember watching Troy back in [Billy Elliot], where he was on stage almost the entire time. In a play like that, a break is absolutely necessary."
Austin couldn't argue with that. He simply nodded in agreement as it became his turn at the counter. He ordered two large Diet Cokes and a bag of potato chips for both of them, then carefully carried everything back to their seats as the house lights remained half up.
"Now that we've brought all this here, I think it's too much," Martha said thoughtfully, picking at a few chips while balancing the bag on her lap. "If the second half is anywhere near as funny as the first, we won't have time to eat at all. I don't want to choke on Coke just because something outrageous happens on stage."
Austin laughed.
"What?" Martha asked, genuinely confused.
"Nothing," Austin said quickly, shaking his head. "Just something you said. I've got a dirty mind. Forget it."
Martha frowned, replaying her words in her head, clearly trying to figure out what she'd missed. Sensing danger, Austin hurriedly changed the subject.
"Let's just finish these snacks quickly," he said. "That way, no choking."
Almost on cue, the house lights dimmed, and the chatter faded as the orchestra struck up again. The show resumed.
The second half opened with Elder Cunningham standing before the people of Uganda, earnestly explaining the Book of Mormon. His reading was painfully bland, but the exaggerated boredom and disbelief on the Ugandans' faces was enough to draw the first wave of laughter from the audience.
"For three hours we've been listening to him talk about stupid shit that happened on the other side of the Earth, thousands of years ago!" one African man complained loudly. "It has nothing to do with us."
"Yeah," another voice chimed in, "and those Nephites probably didn't even have AIDS to deal with!"
With that, the Ugandans rose from their seats, clearly ready to leave, until Cunningham panicked and sprinted to the center stage, desperate to hold their attention.
"Sure they did!" he shouted. As the group hesitated, he flipped open his book and pretended to read. "And the Lord said to the Nephites, 'I know you're really depressed, what with your AIDS and everything, but there's an answer in Christ.'"
The actor delivered the line with such earnest sincerity that Austin, mid-sip of his Coke, snorted loudly, sending the drink down the wrong pipe. He wasn't alone. The entire theater erupted in laughter at the sheer absurdity of Cunningham's bald-faced lie, especially given that AIDS was a relatively recent disease, having surfaced less than fifty years ago.
And then came the line that made Austin completely lose it.
"Ah! This is bullshit!" A man claimed boldly. "The story that I have been told is that the way to cure AIDS is by sleeping with a virgin. I'm going to go and r*pe a baby!"
The seriousness with which the man delivered the line was cruel and dark, yet Austin, asshole that he was, couldn't stop laughing. He only managed to pull himself together when the next song began onstage, titled "Making Things Up Again."
The number quickly became the second-most hilarious thing the audience had seen all night, right after "Hasa Diga Eebowai." It all stemmed from Cunningham confidently inventing outrageous stories to make life better for the Ugandans. Among his fabrications was a tale about Joseph Smith sleeping with a frog to cure his AIDS.
Later, when a man was prepared to cut off his daughter's clitoris, Cunningham immediately spun another story. Anyone who performed female circumcision, he claimed, would turn into a frog.
"You mean like the same frog that got fucked by Joseph Smith?"
The laughter exploded again. The show had an uncanny ability to take something already ridiculous and outrageous, then one-up it every single time.
As the song ended, the lights shifted and the scene transitioned back to Troy, known to the audience as Elder Price.
"I'm here!" he shouted, leaping and spinning across the stage with boundless energy. "Orlando!"
Watching Troy have this much fun with the character was a treat in itself. Most of the roles he usually played were serious and emotionally heavy. The only outright comedy he'd done so far was [Superbad], and even that had been nearly three years ago. Here, he seemed completely at ease, uncannily good at laughing at himself.
"Wait," Price said, suddenly frowning. "This can't be Orlando. I don't even remember the plane landing."
The cheerful backdrop of Disney World vanished in an instant, replaced by a dark, ominous setting bathed in red and purple light. A deep, devilish voice echoed around him.
"Mickey?" Price asked hesitantly.
"Hahaha! Think again, minion!"
Realization dawned across Price's face as the opening notes of the next song rang out. "Spooky Mormon Hell Dream" began with a moment from his childhood, where he ate a donut and blamed his brother for it. The lie led to overwhelming guilt and, ultimately, a hellish nightmare.
In a way, it was deeply telling. The missionaries were so thoroughly brainwashed that even small acts of selfishness filled them with guilt and visions of damnation. After witnessing a murder, anyone would be terrified of staying in that place. If Elder Price wanted to go home, no one could blame him. But years of indoctrination, drilled into him since childhood, twisted that instinct into fear and self-loathing, forcing this nightmare upon him.
The song itself was another riot. Jesus appeared, casually calling Price a dick, while pop culture references were thrown in rapid-fire.
"Genghis Khan, Jeffrey Dahmer, Hitler, Johnnie Cochran. The spirits all surround you. Spooky, spooky, spooky!"
Of the four dead men, Johnnie Cochran was easily the funniest inclusion, solely because of his infamous role as O.J. Simpson's defense lawyer, which wasn't even a crime; if you think about it, he was just doing his job.
Austin and Martha were laughing far too hard by this point. In many ways, this felt like the first true Broadway spectacle of the night, complete with elaborate choreography, bold costumes, and infectious, high-energy music.
When the song finally ended, Price jolted awake to find his fellow missionaries standing around him on all sides. In yet another hilarious twist, he proudly announced that he wasn't leaving after all, thanks entirely to his hell dream.
Cunningham returned to announce that the Africans were finally interested in the church. Price, conveniently forgetting everything that had happened over the past few days, immediately launched into excited plans about how to take this forward. Cunningham shut him down almost instantly.
"Whoa!" he said, raising a hand. "You left me, remember?"
Price couldn't argue with that, especially when the other missionaries backed Cunningham up. Mostly because, unlike everyone else, he'd actually been effective. Until now, no one had agreed to take follow-up lessons with any of them.
Price drifted to the side, listening in from a corner with a crestfallen expression as the others discussed their next steps.
"People are scared to death of that General Butt-effing Naked guy," Cunningham pointed out.
"To solve this General problem, it'll take something incredible," McKinley added.
The moment he heard the last word, Price's face lit up, his trademark Mormon Smile™ snapping back into place.
"I know what Heavenly Father wants from me now!" he announced with renewed enthusiasm. "This whole country's gonna be SAVED!"
No one paid him any attention. They continued planning their follow-up sessions as if he hadn't spoken at all.
Price slowly turned toward the audience as the music swelled behind him. He began to sing with utmost devotion.
(I Believe)
~Ever since I was a child
I tried to be the best...
So what happened?
My family and friends all said I was blessed...
So what happened?
A warlord who shoots people in the face.
What's so scary about that?~
What made it even funnier was how the show layered humor beneath what appeared, at least on the surface, to be a serious, heartfelt song. Troy Armitage leaned fully into it, using his superior vocals to elevate the moment far beyond parody.
~I believe,
That the Lord God created the universe.
I believe,
That he sent his only son to die for my sins.
And I believe,
That ancient Jews built boats and sailed
to America.
I am a Mormon.
And a Mormon just believes.~
Troy blended his signature soaring high notes with classic Broadway belting, stretching "I Believe" into something genuinely magical. The instant he hit the chorus, Austin felt a chill run through him. He was awed by Troy's voice, even as the absurdity of the content of the actual Book of Mormon, which sounded like badly written fanfiction brought to life, made him laugh.
As if that weren't enough, Price marched straight into the camp of General Butt Fucking Naked and continued singing directly to him. He grabbed the warlord's hand, lifted it confidently, and began waving and dancing around with him. The sheer audacity of it sent the audience into another fit of laughter.
"I believe!"
Price raised both his own hand and the warlord's high in the air as the song reached its triumphant finish.
It was mesmerizing to watch Troy completely in his element. Without question, this was the best song of the musical so far, and the way he performed it only elevated it further. An inexperienced vocalist wouldn't have been able to pull it off at this level. Austin clearly wasn't alone in thinking that. The moment the song ended, audience members began rising to their feet one by one.
Thunderous applause filled the theater. Clapping, whistles, and catcalls drowned out every other sound, and Austin found himself cheering just as loudly. The performance more than deserved it.
The applause went on for a full minute, during which the actors froze in place so they could resume the scene from the exact moment it had paused.
As the noise finally began to die down, the show continued. Price stood center stage, suddenly looking very small, nervously glancing at the warlord as the man and his people closed in around him from all sides.
As Price let out a high-pitched, almost girlish scream, the lights snapped to black and the scene shifted back to Cunningham, who was once again spinning wildly fabricated stories for the villagers. When the lesson finally ended and everyone dispersed, Nabulungi lingered behind. She shyly asked Cunningham to "baptize her."
What followed was a song packed with obvious innuendo, making it painfully clear that what they were really singing about had nothing to do with any sacred ritual and everything to do with sex. The audience roared with laughter as the double meanings piled up one after another.
By the end of the number, Cunningham dunked her into a tub of water, officially completing the "baptism." The scene flowed straight into a montage of the missionary group baptizing more villagers, one after another, as the absurdity escalated. News of their sudden success reached the mission president, who was thrilled and decided to visit in person, showering the Elders with praise before even seeing the results.
Naturally, that led into yet another song, "I Am Africa."
The audience completely lost it when white boys, dressed head to toe in pristine white clothing, stood center stage, surrounded by newly converted Africans, and confidently belted out, "I am Africa!"
Then, without warning, the song screeched to a halt as the scene abruptly changed. Elder Price was now kneeling on a doctor's examination bed. The doctor stared at an X-ray with stunned fascination before slowly turning to him.
~Something Incredible
This is something incredible
I have never seen a rectal blockage of this kind~
The laughter was so loud that Austin missed the next few lines entirely, but he didn't even care. Moments later, the X-ray image was projected for everyone to see. It clearly showed a Book of Mormon lodged far up Elder Price's ass, an unspoken but obvious result of his encounter with the warlord.
"I can't believe Troy agreed to do that," Austin said between gasps of laughter. "Jesus, this is way too funny."
When the song finally ended, the scene cut again. Price was now seated alone, nervously sipping what appeared to be his eleventh cup of coffee. Given that Mormons weren't allowed to drink coffee at all, the visual alone was enough to keep the audience laughing. Elder Cunningham approached him, urging him to come back to the village because the mission president was arriving to inspect their progress in person.
Price agreed, but only reluctantly. He admitted that he no longer believed in Mormon teachings and had completely lost his sense of purpose for coming to Uganda in the first place.
When the mission president finally arrived, Nabulungi and the villagers gathered as well. To everyone's horror, they announced that they had prepared a musical presentation about Joseph Smith and the early days of Mormonism. Cunningham immediately tried to shut it down, panicking as he realized just how far he'd twisted the original stories. He protested loudly, knowing the president would never approve of the changes, but he was quickly overruled.
The song that followed was easily the wildest and darkest moment of the entire play. It laid bare every outrageous lie Elder Cunningham had told the villagers, revealing just how absurdly far he'd gone to make the religion appealing.
(Joseph Smith American Moses)
~Joseph Smith fuck frog
Brigham Young clit face
Shit come out of the butt
Jesus say: Fuck, fuck, Mormons!~
When the song ended, it earned yet another standing ovation. Not because it was profound or moving, but simply because it was impossibly funny.
The mission president was livid. Red-faced and sputtering, he immediately ordered the missionaries to disband and return to their respective homes. Nabulungi stepped into the middle of the chaos, only to learn the truth at last. Realizing she'd been lied to shattered her, and her heartbreak cut through the laughter for a brief moment.
Once the mission president stormed off, Price confronted Cunningham. Instead of anger, he expressed admiration for the play, saying it got the message across by using modern references people could actually understand. He completely misread Cunningham's intentions, interpreting it as a deliberate lesson that scripture itself didn't matter as much as genuinely helping others.
Looking around at the villagers in their colorful costumes, smiling and hopeful despite everything, Price was once again reminded of his dream destination: Orlando. The two embraced, this time without pretense or rivalry, finally becoming best friends for real.
Back in the village, the warlord returned, intent on stamping out any hint of rebellion. Tension rippled through the crowd as people hesitated, unsure of what to do. Nabulungi stepped forward before anyone else could speak.
"We won't resist you," she said hurriedly. "We'll do whatever you say."
When confusion spread among the villagers, she quickly added, "Elder Cunningham… was eaten by lions."
The effect was instant. The villagers erupted into screaming and panicked wailing, the sudden hysteria creating another perfectly timed wave of laughter in the theater.
"We're not going to Sal Tlay Ka City," Nabulungi finally declared.
One of the women approached her gently and lifted her chin. "Nabulungi. Sal Tlay Ka City isn't a real place. It's an idea. A metaphor."
"Yeah, all stories are metaphors," someone added bluntly. "You don't think a man actually fucked a frog, do you? That's fucking stupid."
Right on cue, Elders Price and Cunningham walked back into the village.
"He has risen!" someone shouted. "He must have fucked a frog!"
Any trace of maturity or logic vanished instantly in the face of what the villagers now considered a miracle.
The warlord was visibly shaken. Price and Cunningham leaned fully into the madness, spinning even more ridiculous tales about the Death Star, the Starship Enterprise, and Joseph Smith Torpedoes. The sheer absurdity terrified the general and his men, sending them fleeing in confusion.
As the other missionaries prepared to head back to the airport, Elder Price stopped them. Standing tall, he delivered an impassioned speech, inspiring them to stay and actually help the people of Uganda for the remaining two years of their mission.
"But the mission president says we're about as far from Latter-day Saints as it gets," Elder McKinley protested.
"You know what, guys?" Price said, pausing for effect. "Fuck. Him."
The theater erupted again. It was the first time Price had uttered a curse word in the entire show, and the payoff was enormous.
Then came the final number of the musical. Until that moment, Austin had been convinced that "I Believe" was the best song of the night. He was proven wrong one last time. "Tomorrow Is a Latter Day" was the perfect closer, bursting with joy, optimism, and relentless humor. It was fun, cheerful, unapologetically silly, and easily one of the most satisfying endings to any musical he'd ever seen.
The best part came during a brief glimpse into the future. The stage filled with African Mormons heading out to convert others, reprising the opening number, "Hello," one last time. The biggest laugh of all came from one particular actor.
"Hello! My name is Elder Butt Fucking Naked! Did you know that the clitoris is a sacred thing?"
When the song, and the musical itself, came to an end, Austin thought that had to be it. No more jokes. No more surprises. He was wrong yet again. Just as everyone finished their bows, one actor leaned forward and added one final line.
"I still have maggots in my scrotum!"
That last punchline sent the audience into hysterics, ending the show on a perfectly absurd note.
In an instant, the entire theater was on its feet. Applause thundered through the hall as people cheered, whistled, and clapped without restraint. Austin and Martha joined in wholeheartedly, their hands stinging as they applauded.
It was the perfect way to end the musical, not just on laughter, but on a strangely uplifting note. Beneath all the chaos and shock humor, it carried a simple message about seeing people as people before seeing religion. From start to finish, there hadn't been a single moment without laughter.
As the applause continued, Austin turned toward Martha. "Thank you," he said sincerely. "For bringing me here. This is the most fun I've ever had in a theater."
Instead of answering, Martha closed the distance between them and kissed him. Without hesitation, Austin kissed her back.
"I like kissing you in crowds," Martha joked as she pulled away.
"Me too," Austin replied with a grin, before glancing back toward the stage where the curtains were drawing closed again. "The second I get home, I'm writing a five-star review and telling everyone to watch this as soon as possible. And then I'm booking another ticket for me. I have to."
"Don't you dare go without me," Martha warned.
"Wouldn't dream of it."
____________________
AN: Check out my second story, 'Swimmer to Superstar (A Hollywood SI)'.
Link: www(dot)fablefic(dot)com