The Agitator I
「Noh Do-hwa has very few friends.」
The above sentence actually contained a bit of a lie. In Noh Do-hwa's interpersonal relationships, the category of "friends" simply did not exist. Therefore, the correct statement was as follows:
「Noh Do-hwa has no friends.」
That's right.
As clearly revealed in the previous story, there were quite a few forces that resisted Do-hwa's commands. The only person who could even remotely claim to be her friend (excluding me) was Ha-yul, whom Do-hwa often called upon to drink together.
Why Ha-yul, you ask?
- Because I'm mute, and she likes that.
That was the reason Ha-yul gave when asked.
- She liked just drinking quietly with me instead of having to deal with useless small talk over drinks.
"Wait. Isn't that discrimination against the disabled?"
- If anything, it's closer to discrimination against the non-disabled. The Commander just hates people.
Of course, the bleak state of Do-hwa's interpersonal relationships had their advantages. As a politician, she was immune to the inevitable fate of being criticized for giving special treatment to her personal connections.
There was a time when she began to garner fame as the commander of the National Road Management Corps. People claiming to be her relatives flocked to her, trying to catch even a whiff of her success.
"Do-hwa, it's me, your uncle!"
"Ah, my mother's brother..."
"Huh? Uh, yeah, that's right."
"Welcome. You've come to repay the 130 million won you borrowed from our family after claiming you'd strike it rich in a Chilean mine. Such reliability makes me love my relatives even more..."
Many people.
"Oh, Do-hwa! I'm your uncle! Remember me from your high school graduation?"
"Ah, Uncle. Heh, welcome..."
"Yeah! You see, I came all the way from Seoul, and I thought I was going to die! Oh, my dear Do-hwa, you've been through so much! I knew all along you'd make something of yourself!"
"Thank you. I also have fond memories with you, Uncle. Like when you were arrested for running an illegal casino in the Philippines and begged me, a public official, for help..."
"Huh? Oh, right! Yeah, that happened!"
"Yes. When I told you I couldn't help you, you cursed so vividly. Even though we're all of the same bloodline, you spat on your own face so skillfully..."
Many.
"Sis!"
"Get lost."
People.
Enemy defeated!
I'll just drop here that Do-hwa's extreme distrust of people was rooted in her family environment and upbringing.
Perhaps there was another reason why she kept Ha-yul close? After all, Ha-yul was no stranger to messy family dynamics.
"Commander Noh. It seems you and I share a great many similarities. I, the unworthy Yu Ji-won, truly had an unfortunate childhood."
"No, damn it... You're that infamous middle schooler who locked your parents in the basement, tortured them for 24 hours, tore them to pieces, and then tossed them, right? I'm not that bad. Please stop pretending to be close to me..."
"What a shame."
Anyway, Do-hwa's personality had many advantages, but it also had clear disadvantages.
As revealed in the previous story, in the event of an emergency on the Korean Peninsula, the "all gather" command under Do-hwa didn't go smoothly. The southern part of the Korean Peninsula, which had always been heavily dependent on the National Road Management Corps, followed Commander Noh's leadership without question. However, the further you got from Busan, the weaker these practical interests became. Didn't Pyongyang and Sejong immediately form an anti-Noh coalition?
In short:
"Commander Noh."
"What now...?"
"Hmm. Do you find it difficult to go out to places with lots of people and build relationships? Is it hard for you to get close to others by nature? Ah, you're quiet. Please feel free to speak. Even if you're a total loner, I won't judge you for it. Why not take this opportunity to get some counseling and gradually improve your loner tendencies?"
"You fucking bastard."
After a near-death experience, I skipped over the details and got to the point.
"Let's make a propaganda documentary."
Do-hwa adjusted her black gloves and frowned. "What the hell...?"
"It's impossible for you to build personal relationships with guild leaders from other regions at this point. It's not Noh Do-hwa, but NO Do-hwa for them. It's self-denial everywhere you look."
"Do you really want to die...?"
"But it's entirely possible to increase your standing with the general public, both Awakeners and ordinary people alike."
That's what the propaganda was for.
For example, when we defeated the Ice Age Anomaly, the reason we stubbornly brought Do-hwa, who had zero combat power, was also for this purpose.
「Commander Noh is as weak as an ordinary person.」
「Yet, whenever a crisis strikes the Korean Peninsula, Commander Noh is always there!」
We could plant this kind of sentiment in people's minds. No matter how much power the guild leaders held, they couldn't completely ignore public opinion. Do-hwa's approval rating would undoubtedly have a positive impact on the political situation.
"No, damn it. There are so many things to nitpick..."
"Go ahead."
"First of all, aren't you underestimating people's intelligence? Even if you blatantly spread propaganda like that, it's not going to improve my reputation."
"That's why we need an expert's touch."
I took Do-hwa to the scene of the Inunaki Tunnel conquest. After filming the entire subjugation process with a smartphone and editing it, this promotional video was born.
*Narration: A dark tunnel.
*Narration: A terrifying Void where a single misstep could crush your limbs. Into this, the prisoners of the National Road Management Corps are thrown.
(Prisoners screaming)
*Do-hwa: Ignore them.
(Prisoners being dragged away)
*Narration: The one giving the firm command is none other than Commander Noh.
*Narration: Behind her expressionless face lies a will of steel.
(The subjugation progresses as the prisoners die)
*Yu Ji-won: Commander, according to the Mini-Map, Squad 11 is almost at the exit.
*Do-hwa: Proceed.
(The National Road Management Corps members cheer as the tunnel is successfully subjugated)
*Narration: The members cheer as they conquer the Inunaki Tunnel, which could have devoured the entire Japanese archipelago.
*Narration: Yet, the Commander's expression remains unchanged.
*Narration: She knows better than anyone that countless Anomalies still threaten our world.
(Do-hwa's back as she walks away)
~END~
The screening ended.
I turned to her with an extremely confident expression.
"So, what do you think?"
"It's idiotic..."
Do-hwa's responding expression was sour.
"Get your eyes checked," I countered. "As you can see, this propaganda video is like a strategy guide. It's packed with useful and practical information on how to subjugate Anomalies and Voids."
"Hmm..." she hummed, resting her chin on her hand. "So it's not just a simple propaganda video, but one that provides both dopamine and practical information while beating the shit out of Anomalies...?"
"Exactly."
Plus, it didn't portray Do-hwa as a perfect saint. There were no exaggerated advertisements of her eating mud cookies at the dawn market or comforting the sorrows of ordinary people.
'A leader who remains calm and never lets her expression crack no matter what Anomaly she faces or what Void she falls into.'
That alone was more than enough to appeal to people. And if we subtly added a clip of Do-hwa making assistive devices for patients?
Ah, I could hear it. The sound of Do-hwa's approval rating rising!
"Wait, Undertaker. Hold on. Even if we make the video like this, how are we going to screen it? Aren't video files too easily Corrupted by Anomalies...?"
"We'll upload it to SG Net, and then the National Road Management Corps members on business trips in each city can connect their smartphones to a projector to screen it. That way, the expiration date is a bit more generous, and the chance of Corruption is lower for about a week."
"Expiration date...?"
"It's a thing. Anyway, I'll be in charge of the National Road Management Corps's PR team for the time being, so leave it to me."
I was rarring to go. After all, I had already turned Dang Seo-rin into the number one idol on the Korean Peninsula.
"Hey, Undertaker. Can't we just not do this...?"
"Don't worry. I'll make you the most beloved leader in the history of the Korean Peninsula."
"Fuck. This still feels sketchy..."
Six years later.
As if to prove that Do-hwa's worries were meaningless, the propaganda plan was a huge success.
"Hey, did you see the Meteor Shower conquest video?"
"I saw it over the weekend. The sight of stars falling from the sky was mesmerizing."
Everyone was abuzz. Now, in any city on the Korean Peninsula, you could easily find people chatting about the propaganda documentary videos.
These days, the only new releases in theaters were propaganda videos, so it was a natural outcome.
"That Dang Seo-rin, she's really amazing. How does her voice sound so beautiful?"
"I know, right? I heard she's the most famous in the south."
"I was most impressed by Cheon Yo-hwa breaking stars with her bare hands. Oh, of course..." The market vendor turned his head, looking over the makeshift shop under a tent. Hanging from the ceiling was a portrait of Do-hwa. "The most moving part was definitely when Commander Noh held the radio and gave the order for all Awakeners to come out and attack!"
"Ah! That scene!"
"My heart raced when I saw that part!"
Then, the market vendor jumped to his feet. "Isn't it thanks to Commander Noh's hard work in the south that we're able to live today? Everyone, salute Commander Noh!"
"Salute!"
The chant echoed from one corner of the market to the next, spreading like a wave of contagious disease as the other vendors stood up one by one.
"Long live Commander Noh!"
"Long live!"
"Thanks to Commander Noh's grace, we're able to live steadfast lives in this harsh land. How can we not shed tears?"
"Thank you, Commander!"
"May you live a long and healthy life!"
Watching all this silently from a distance, I glanced around other places in Pyongyang.
Do-hwa's portrait was in schools, in government offices, and in civilian homes. In the square of Mo Gwang-seo Christ's Cathedral, the heart of Pyongyang, next to the statues of Mogwangseo and Sim Ah-ryeon, stood a statue of Do-hwa, three times larger for some reason.
And every passerby saluted Do-hwa's statue.
"Long live Commander Noh!"
"Under Commander Noh's leadership, let's unite and defeat those damned Anomalies!"
"Ah, the Commander's grace is like the heavens!"
I remained silent.
In my place, Telepathy chattered.
[Did you see it all, Mr. Undertaker?]
"...I've confirmed it."
[Yes. In Pyongyang and the northern regions under the influence of the Eastern Divine Kingdom, a kind of mental brainwashing phenomenon—]
[If we were to name it, Big Brother, or in this case, Big Sister? Or perhaps Big Mother would be more accurate?]
"Let's just call it the Supreme Leader..."
[Yes. The Supreme Leader Anomaly has been observed,] the Saintess recited indifferently. [Those infected by this Anomaly show absolute favorability and loyalty towards Commander Noh, regardless of whether they are ordinary people or Awakeners.]
"The cause is...."
[Probably the propaganda videos you produced and distributed, right?]
I didn't answer.
[Oh. Do-hwa said to return to Busan as soon as possible. And she asked me to relay this message to you.]
Hmm.
["When you get back, you're dead, you bastard."]
Me, the Undertaker.
For the first time in thousands of years, I felt an overwhelming sense of impending doom.
-x-X-x-
The Agitator II
There is a hypothesis called the Black Cat, White Cat theory.
"It doesn't matter if it's a black cat or a white cat as long as it catches mice, right?"
A truly pragmatic way of thinking.
I, the Undertaker, am a living witness to the depravity of Anomalies, the one who has been tormented by Anomalies more than anyone else and the one who hates Anomalies more than anyone in the world, yet I declare:
"As long as it helps prevent the end of the world, it doesn't matter if it's an Anomaly or not!"
In short, the Black Anomaly, White Anomaly theory.
A prime example of this would be the Tutorial Fairy No. 264, a nightmare made flesh. Before I intervened, the Tutorial Fairies were practically the vanguard of human extinction.
But now? Now, all the Tutorial Fairies have been hired as regular workers at a casino in the Inunaki Tunnel, working day and night for the customers. Thanks to these fairy workers, the economy of the Korean Peninsula is thriving. Casino chips are even linked to the Korean won.
The same went for Mo Gwang-seo. If it weren't for the fanatical faith gathered by the Resurrection Anomaly, how could we have withstood the relentless onslaught of the Monster Wave?
Therefore, it's a mistake to reject Anomalies outright just because they're Anomalies. Only by breaking free from such narrow-minded prejudices and adopting a truly pragmatic way of thinking can humanity finally see the light.
So, in conclusion, what I want to say is...
"Commander Noh, let's not be too haste with this. Is the Supreme Leader Anomaly really all that bad? Up North, they already worship Mo Gwang-seo as a god and Ah-ryeon as a saintess. Wouldn't it be better for you to ascend as the Supreme Leader, Commander Noh, promising happiness and comfort to the citizens of the North?"
"Get on your knees..."
"Okay."
Most days, I was Do-hwa's PT instructor, but for about three hours that day, she subjected me to intense exercise in a so-called-instructor reversal card.
"You stink, so go wash up..."
"Okay."
Having reached the pinnacle of Aura, my body emitted no odor whatsoever. While I was entirely confident I could logically explain this, whether rational thinking would work on Do-hwa in her current state was another question.
After a quick shower, I returned to find Do-hwa, now calm and sitting in a chair.
"Sit down..." she ordered.
"There's only one chair?"
"So?"
"Okay."
Scratch that. It didn't seem like her anger had subsided much.
I assumed the traditional East Asian sitting posture, so traditional that its name of "seiza" literally meant "the proper way of sitting."[1] Not because I wanted to avoid being strangled to death by Do-hwa again, of course. No, I, the Undertaker, am simply a person of utmost integrity who always hold their chest high and, thus, has no round shoulders or pelvic disc issues.
"Yesterday, I thought I'd give my lungs some fresh air, so I went to the Jagalchi Market at dawn. There's a merchant there from Wonsan who sells bingsu..."
"Ah, yes. The cinnamon flavor is a bit strong, but that's what makes it appealing, so it's popular despite the high price."
"But then, damn it, the merchant had a cart with my portrait prominently displayed... Huh. When I asked for just one bingsu, do you know how the merchant reacted to me?"
Saintess, help! Saintess!
["Commander Noh, it is the honor of a lifetime—no, of three lifetimes—to have you visit our humble shop. We don't need money. Please, may you live ten thousand years in good health..."]
[...he shouted so loudly that it seemed like the dawn sky would fall, and everyone turned to watch and then they clapped.]
[And Mr. Undertaker. Please refrain from pulling the "Help me, Saintess" card for such trivial matters.]
I put on a solemn expression. "I can roughly guess. Commander Noh, you were so pleased to visit the shop, and such praise—"
"Did you just fucking ask the Yongsan girl?"
"Huh? No, what are you talking about? Even if I made a mistake, please refrain from making baseless accusations. Do you have any evidence to back your claim?"
"Then fuck. You were silent for over 20 seconds and then suddenly started babbling. Were you talking to the Saintess, huh? Or what?"
Oh no!
No matter how freely the Saintess can use Time Stop, she still needs time to pass to convey information to me. Did she exploit that weakness?
Do-hwa, you scary brat!
"My only joy in visiting Jagalchi Market was to enjoy the bingsu sold by that displaced person while taking in the dawn air. You ruined one of my five hobbies. What are you going to do about it?"
"As expected of Supreme Leader Commander Noh. Even at your age, you still have four hobbies. It's touching to see you caring for your mental health, inspiring the hearts of the people."
"Kneel."
"Okay."
Once again, I entered the reversal world, filmed an isekai trip for 30 minutes, and returned. And as sequels in a series usually went, the next iteration of our conversation followed the same clichés as the previous work.
Do-hwa sighed.
"Awakener Undertaker. If this damn Anomaly were confined to the North, it might be one thing, but what if it starts spreading to the surrounding area?"
It wasn't an unfounded worry. Though it might seem surprising to many, there was a time in the South when it was fashionable to decorate everything with the president's portrait.
Considering that Anomalies enjoy twisting space and time like yarn, it's possible that a Supreme Leader unifying the South and North might actually descend.
So then... Noh Do-hwa was destined to become the king of the Korean Peninsula. Would George Orwell's Eastasia be born under Do-hwa's fingertips?[2] Could the conclusion of this long regression story really be a unification ending? Who could have predicted that?
Then, I noticed the silence.
"I wasn't thinking anything just now, Commander Noh."
"And I didn't say anything, yet you're defending yourself as if you were caught daydreaming about something not worth my time..."
"I've been asking you to stop with the baseless accusations. I was just thinking about how to defeat this big sis— no, Big Sister Anomaly."
"Oh?" she asked, then smirked. "Good. Let's hear your brilliant strategy. If you haven't been wasting your life on the internet, surely something will flow from that mouth of yours..."
Of course I had thought about it. Specifically, I had thought about it all the way from Pyongyang to Busan.
Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am," but in my case, I've evolved one step further to "I must think, or I'll die."
In terms of desperation and earnestness, I'm on a different level from that Frenchman.
"First, let's take down all the propaganda videos on SG Net. We'll also order the agents dispatched to each city to stop their missions."
"Hmm..."
"That should put out the immediate fire."
It worked.
The fervor for Do-hwa that had spread like wildfire across the Korean Peninsula came to an abrupt halt. With a single stop command, the entire country held its breath.
But do you know what? The deeper you breathe in, the stronger the storm when you exhale.
- Dear citizens. How are you?
- This is Noh Do-hwa, the first commander of the National Road Management Corps.
Exactly one week later, a voice crackling with static began to emanate from smartphones that had been turned off. And it wasn't just smartphones either.
- Starting this evening, I, the commander, wish to spend my days in simple bliss with all of you who have finished your hard work and returned home.
- In this cold winter, I hope you have a warm brazier or stove by your side.
The same voice was broadcast simultaneously from the televisions in every neighborhood and from the radios, one of the few remnants of civilized life in this apocalypse.
Of course, it wasn't Do-hwa herself who was broadcasting. It was an Anomaly.
- If you don't have a brazier, perhaps my voice can provide a little warmth by your side.
- Hence, this campfire side chat. Or perhaps the chat on the roadside.
- Coincidentally, my name is also Noh Do-hwa, which stands for the Path of Turbulent Waters, so it's a fitting name.
- Now, let's connect with Mr. Park Wi-ryeong, a fisherman from Sinuiju.
- Hello, Commander.
- Ahaha. Yes, hello.
It was insane.
I immediately dropped everything and ran to the National Road Management Corps. Do-hwa, who never learned the concept of leaving work, greeted me at headquarters.
"You! You fucking bastard—"
"Stop! Commander Noh, I fully understand your desire to criticize me, but isn't this the time to join forces and defeat the Anomaly?"
"You fucking bas—"
"One Wish Ticket! I'll give you one Wish Ticket!"
"Die!"
"We're all going to die eventually anyway! Just wait 15 years!"
After a diplomatic exchange of words that had become a habit between us, we moved on to practical countermeasures.
"In retrospect, Commander Noh, hastily taking down the propaganda videos was a bad move. In George Orwell's 1984, Big Brother was already a dead figure. He only lived on as an icon."
"So what?"
"The moment the documentary videos of Commander Noh were taken down, the Anomalous entity known as The Supreme Leader Big Sister: Noh Do-hwa separated and began to exist on its own."
"What kind of bullshit is that?"
"Anomalies are notorious for ignoring copyright. Anyway, this phenomenon has its advantages as well as disadvantages."
"Advantages? What advantages? Oh, the fact that the thing on your neck is just a decoration has been academically proven?"
"No. The Anomaly has revealed its true form."
Originally, these mind-control-type Anomalies were the most troublesome because they existed without a physical form. Just think of She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, the pink entity is everywhere and nowhere.
"From the perspective of evolution, strengths and weaknesses are two sides of the same coin. Big Sister has taken control of all communication media on the Korean Peninsula, but at the same time, she is bound by them."
"Ah." Do-hwa's pitch-black eyes gleamed. "Good. Let's confiscate and destroy all smartphones, radios, and televisions..."
"Wait! If we confiscate smartphones, we can't use SG Net!"
"So what? It's actually better this way. I was sick of seeing Awakeners clinging to their phones even as civilization crumbled..."
Damn it, this is why I hate ordinary people who don't waste their lives on the internet and are devoted to their real lives!
"If SG Net collapses, the credibility of the Constellations will decrease, the connection between Awakeners will weaken, and sharing strategies will become difficult! Seo Gyu will lose his job, and Ah-ryeon will fall into Corruption! You haven't seen the insane side of Ah-ryeon!"
"She's always out of it..."
"The Sim Ah-ryeon you see is still a decent person. In the 402nd cycle, an Internet Censorship Anomaly appeared. SG Net access was down. Back then, Sim Ah-ryeon incited all the former believers of the Eastern Holy State to start the Saintess Rebellion."
"This is insane, really..."
"So please, hold on. Commander. I have a better plan."
Do-hwa shot me a sidelong glance.
Our relationship had long reached the level of mutual understanding. In short, I could intuitively sense that her current gaze implied, "Lately, every time I accept this guy's plans, the situation only seems to get worse instead of improving."
"This time is really different," I insisted.
"Hmm..."
"I've been studying mind-control type Anomalies for over a thousand years. Although I couldn't defeat Go Yuri, the most powerful enemy, most mind-control Anomalies wouldn't dare touch a single hair on my head."
"Right now, it seems like you're being touched so much that you're almost going bald..."
"Especially with media like radios, it's my specialty. Who developed all the methods for operating radio broadcast channels, using walkie-talkies, and preserving televisions? Me," I said confidently. "That's right, me, the Anomaly expert of the end times, the Undertaker. I'll crush that Big Sister or whatever Anomaly flat. Trust me and lead the National Road Management Corps with your usual brand of calmness."
Do-hwa took off her glasses, then blew on them and wiped them clean. By the time she put them back on, the lenses gleamed with new light. Her equally sparkling eyes looked at me.
"This is really the last time. You owe me, you know..."
"Of course."
A Lannister always pays his debts.[3]
I tightened my coat and headed for my destination.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
Propaganda for propaganda.
In this desolate apocalypse of the Korean Peninsula, was there any other pioneer of image advertising?
I was heading towards the legend of propaganda, already cross-verified through long regression experiences.
"This is the reason you must become the number one idol of the Three Hans from now on. Dang Seo-rin. Make me your producer."
"Okay. I see. Undertaker, are you crazy?"
Footnotes:
[1] As stated, seiza is a traditional Japanese way of sitting where you go down your knees and sit on your feet. It is often used in formal or ceremonial settings.
[2] In George Orwell's novel 1984, Eastasia is one of three totalitarian governments that rule the world. It is made up of "China and the countries south to it, the Japanese islands, and a large but fluctuating portion of Manchuria, Mongolia and Tibet."
[3] A Game of Thrones reference. The saying is a common catch phrase associated with House Lannister, who have deep pockets and do favors for those who treat them well.
-x-X-x-
The Agitator III
Seo-rin stared at me like I was some crazy lunatic.
I felt quite wronged, honestly. My mind was perfectly sane, as always.
"Seo-rin, I'm serious. You have the potential to shine brighter than any star in the night sky."
"Sorry, but... am I being flirted with right now? Not that I mind, but could you change up your lines a bit? I'm really flustered right now, Undertaker."
Well.
If you've been keeping up with the tales of my regressions, you'd remember that Seo-rin has had the exclusive title of The First Idol of the Three Han States for a very long time now.
So, let me ask you this: How did Seo-rin become the most popular Awakener in the Korean Peninsula across so many past cycles?
You might guess that it was because she met a talented producer like me. While that's not entirely wrong, Seo-rin was already successful before she hired me.
No, the answer, of course, is that Seo-rin herself had an innate talent and overflowing enthusiasm for self-promotion.
"You may pull the wool over everyone else's eyes, but you won't deceive me. I know that deep down, you want to become a star more than anyone else—I feel it. Seo-rin... You're a born attention-seeker. Your attention-seeking skills are on par with or even surpass Ah-ryeon's."
"Ah. So you're not flirting, but insulting me? Geez, you could've just said it in a way that's easier to understand."
Just as Seo-rin was about to start a game of whack-a-mole on my head with a broom, I hurriedly added, "Wait. Hear me out. Seo-rin, you captured monsters and provided citizens with limb-severing shows every month's end. It shows you have demonstrated talent for event planning."
"That was just a means to seize power," she replied shamelessly with a nonchalant expression.
From my perspective, knowing the monster lurking behind that calm face, it was truly terrifying.
"You know as well as I do, Undertaker," she added. "To become a ruler, you must provide bread and circuses. I provided circuses to claim the throne of Busan."
"That's not all. You even created unique uniforms and items that other guilds couldn't dare to imitate and forced them on your subordinates. Thanks to that, the Samcheon World guild members are recognized wherever they go."
"Yeah, that's part of my hobby. Even the leader of a large guild has a private life, you know. Can't you respect that?"
"Fine. Then take a look at this post."
I pulled up image files I had previously captured from SG Net on my smartphone and showed them to her one by one.
- [Samcheon] WitchTrial: Sleepless dawn. In the past, I would have visited a night café. Now, only the tunnel of the deep sea remains as a walking path.
- [Samcheon] WitchTrial: The quiet café hideout where everyone is asleep. With every 100 meters walked, every 200 meters crossed, the weight of sorrow adds to the footsteps, echoing.
- [Samcheon] WitchTrial: Before I knew it, I arrived at the 1,200-meter depth. The end of the walking path.
- [Samcheon] WitchTrial: But there's always someone waiting at the end of the path. Did they hear my footsteps? The barista came out to greet me. Well, even though I said it's fine, they insisted on making me an affogato.
- [Samcheon] WitchTrial: A bite of sweet vanilla ice cream. Like the morning sorrow melting under the starlight, the sweetness flows down my tongue...
Seo-rin tilted her head.
"What's wrong with this? It's a bit of dawn sentimentality, but it's just a very ordinary diary."
"No, this isn't a diary. It's a demonic grimoire."
I put on a grave expression and scrolled down the smartphone screen.
"This post contains truly sinister energy. First, you subtly revealed that you're a powerhouse who can come and go to the café at any time, even at dawn. Moreover, by pointing out that most Awakeners loiter around the 100-meter and 200-meter depths, you implied that you easily surpassed that level."
No response.
"You tried to disguise it with romanticism, but that's nonsense. In the end, you just wanted to boast that even at dawn, your exclusive barista can bring out rare ice cream to provide you with a midnight snack."
"Hmm."
"Not to mention, you didn't post this immediately. You uploaded it at 6 AM yesterday, when people were starting to wake up. Why?"
I pointed at Seo-rin.
"If you had posted it at dawn when fewer people were on SG Net, it would have been buried as a pointless post! You posted it at the optimal time to attract attention!"
"Indeed... That's an interesting interpretation."
Although her lips remained relaxed, Seo-rin's eyes revealed the smile she could not hide.
"But in the end, it's just your subjective interpretation and conjecture, right? There's no decisive, objective evidence that I'm an attention-seeker."
Tsk. Even after being so bluntly pointed out, not a single crack in her expression!
She was a formidable opponent. Every time she logged into SG Net, she would get at least 120 comments (60% of which were written by Samcheon World guild members), absorbing all kinds of attention like a black hole. Truly a name worth her reputation.
I changed my approach.
"Seo-rin. Haven't you felt that Do-hwa, the Management Commander, has been acting too arrogantly lately?" I dropped my volume to a whisper and said, "Whether it's SG Net or reality, all I hear is Noh Do-hwa this, Noh Do-hwa that—nothing but praise for the Management Commander."
"Hmm..."
Finally, Seo-rin's expression changed.
"I did feel like too much power was concentrated in one person," she mused. "Absolute power without proper checks absolutely corrupts. I can't help but worry about the future of the Korean Peninsula."
"Exactly. Ah-ryeon from the Eastern Divine Nation was supposed to keep her in check, but lately, she hasn't been able to do that."
"Well, she was never really capable in the first place, that one."
"In such a critical situation, the only person who can save the people is none other than the Great Witch of Samcheon World— Or at least, that's what I've heard from the hearts of the people on the lookout."
"Hmm..."
Seo-rin drew her face a little closer.
Even among attention-seekers, personalities aren't all the same. If the OldManGoryoe is a reckless soldier who indiscriminately sprays attention-seeking machine gun fire in all directions, then the Witch Trial Judge of Samcheon World is a heavyweight who only moves when there's a just cause.
That's right. Seo-rin would never tolerate anyone belittling her. Her actions always had to be "just."
"This is something that hasn't been revealed to the public yet, but... The evening broadcasts that have been airing lately are actually not by Noh Do-hwa, the Commander, but the work of an Anomaly."
"Oh my, really?"
Seo-rin's eyes sparkled. She seemed almost convinced.
"Of course. Do you take me for a liar? The Korean Peninsula is currently facing an unprecedented crisis. The people are being deceived by an Anomaly impersonating the National Road Commander. I can confidently say that the only person who can break through this crisis is you, Seo-rin."
Seo-rin sighed. Her gaze drifted out the train window.
"Really... I just want to live quietly, performing the role given to me, but the world won't leave me alone."
"It can't be helped. Great talent comes with great responsibility."
Swiftly, I pulled out a bundle of papers from my pocket. It was sheet music with lyrics and notes written on it.
Seo-rin blinked as she looked down at the sheets. "What's this? Undertaker?"
"Ah, it's nothing. Just some verses of a spell song I composed while staying up all night."
"Huh?"
"This is a spell song that always perfectly regenerates your skin. And this one is a spell song that always keeps your hair in perfect condition."
"Oh my? Huh. Hmm."
"Of course, compared to your composing skills, it's utterly lacking, but artists naturally consider it the greatest honor to present their work to their muse. Seo-rin, won't you accept this humble sheet music?"
"Well," she mused, her expression growing serious. "Such a heartfelt gift. Something that can't possibly be dismissed as a bribe. Your creation, Undertaker. As a human being, it is simply impossible for me to coldly reject."
"Then... aren't we soul mates?"
"Of course."
Thump.
Seo-rin and I shook hands firmly.
"Although I have no interest in the superficial aspects of being an idol or anything like that, for the sake of the Korean Peninsula, for the people, and most importantly, to respond to your heart, Undertaker, I will do my best—"
"Of course. I will also support you with all my might, my soul mate—"
Thus, the only hope to counter the propaganda of Big Sister.
The debut of the idol was confirmed.
Rejoice, rejoice.
[...Mr. Undertaker.]
On the way back after the meeting, the Saintess sent me a telepathic message.
[Sometimes I think it would have been better if I didn't have the Clairvoyance ability.]
[If that were the case, I wouldn't have to constantly witness the depths of human nature right before my eyes.]
[I might have held some expectations I kept to myself, some sweet illusions about the people around me, and wouldn't have ended up holed up at home like this.]
"Ah. Seo-rin can be a bit of a letdown once you get to know her. But don't be too disappointed. You always have the steadfast Undertaker by your side, Saintess."
For some reason, the Saintess fell silent.
For the life of me, I have no idea why.
There is an epilogue.
- Hello! Another wonderful evening. Nymph Calypse here.
- The first song we'll play today is by an incredibly talented individual, truly the diva of the peninsula! Seo-rin's new song, Raise the Flag of Resistance!
- Today is also the day of the Magical☆Ravenclaw's descent!
- The great sorcerer has a song she wants to introduce to you. Oh my! The acoustic guitar version of the Great Witch's new song, never before released anywhere!
- Last time, she overwhelmingly took first place in SG Net's official popularity poll, right? Let's listen together, even you kids who eat dirt!
Seo-rin's debut made headway as a barrage of attacks through various media outlets. All of the radio channels people enjoyed were already operating under my sponsorship. Manipulating public opinion was easier than doing push-ups for me.
And that's not all.
- Won't you come see the sea with me?
- The scenery at 1,200 meters depth. The majestic secrets of humanity await you.
- "Like the aroma of coffee" by Seo-rin.
An advertisement appeared at the top of SG Net. Now, every time Awakeners logged on, they were exposed to a café advertisement featuring Seo-rin's photo.
But it didn't stop there.
"Heh heh, Comrade Secretary! I've completed the task you demanded of me!"
I mobilized hundreds of Tutorial Fairies to pilgrimage throughout the northern part of the Korean Peninsula.
The mission was simple: sneak into people's dreams and plant a positive image of Seo-rin! For example, if someone was having a nightmare of being chased by a grotesque, Seo-rin would appear and save the dreamer.
Truly, we infiltrated both consciousness and subconsciousness to instill the image of "Seo-rin☆The Best" into people.
The result?
"We received a regular report from the National Road Management caravans. All the albums of the Samcheon World guild leader we sent as the first batch are sold out..." Do-hwa said with a gleam in her cold eyes. "Not just the albums, but T-shirts with magic school designs, utterly useless magic brooms, pointed hats, and witch robes, all sorts of goods are selling like hotcakes..."
Indeed. The Korean Peninsula was experiencing an unprecedented Seo-rin boom.
"It's a natural outcome," I said nonchalantly. "Those goods have been proven popular across numerous cycles. Once you see them, you can't help but buy them."
"Don't waste cycles figuring out things like that, you lunatic..."
Especially popular were Seo-rin's ASMR mini-albums, such as Lullabies that Make You Sleep Soundly or Awakening Songs that Make You Alert in Just Three Minutes in the Morning. Even though they didn't actually have any magical effects, given that Seo-rin's specialty was spell songs, a strong placebo effect occurred among buyers.
Even now, rave reviews were pouring in on SG Net.
Well, negative reviews were secretly handled as private posts, so they didn't get any attention. That's just how it is.
This is the greatness of knowledge is power. If you're jealous, be born as a regressor, human.
"Anyway, thanks to that, the Big Sister's evening broadcasts have been completely buried. All the Seo-rin related radio channels are broadcasting at the same time."
"Well, they are buried, but... is this really the right way to exterminate Anomalies...?"
"There are surprisingly few methods to completely eradicate the existence of Anomalies. It's more standard to dilute their significance."
In the end, trends come and go.
At first, Do-hwa's faith swept through like a storm, but as people's attention shifted elsewhere, it rapidly lost momentum. People from the North began to forget the memories of enshrining her portrait, as if it never happened.
The owner of the grilled eel shop at Jagalchi Market was surprised, saying, "Huh? Why is this picture in my stall?"
"With this, the case is resolved. I apologize for the inconvenience, Commander Noh."
"Hmm... Well. It seems like people won't remember it anyway, so it doesn't matter to me..."
"But?"
Instead of answering, Do-hwa turned the radio dial with a click. There came the noise of the frequency tuning, and soon, advertisements started playing one after another.
- Freshly, lightly! This summer's fashion item is the sailor uniform! The student council president of Baekhwa Girls' High School guarantees the quality.
- Is life tough? Are you lonely? Is the world frustrating? For those of you feeling this way, Pyongyang is always open. Let's praise Mokwangseo Christ. Our Saintess, Sim Ah-ryeon.
- In Daejeon, we always provide free meals for the hungry. Come on over. Alle Alle, Daejeon. The city united by hope, Daejeon.
Do-hwa sent me a sidelong glance.
"Because of the fireworks you set off, it's become a trend for all sorts of neighborhoods to advertise on the radio, and there's a good chance these guys might develop into Anomalies. What do you, the self-proclaimed grotesque expert, think about this phenomenon...?"
"Hmm."
I quietly sipped my mug while listening to the radio.
The coffee was delicious as always.
-x-X-x-
The Distributor I
Before civilization collapsed, back when the name "Republic of Korea" felt much more natural than the term "Korean Peninsula," people would make remarks like this:
"Hey, no matter what, Korea is still a pretty livable country, right? Go to Africa and you'll realize how good Korea is."
There were several valid reasons for this.
The level of public safety that allowed people to walk the streets at night without worry, infrastructure reliable enough that power outages weren't a concern, convenience stores so close that you could go out in slippers even in the middle of winter (though not in every city), and so on...
And among these, there was one undeniably overwhelming advantage.
"Delivery for PO Box 1."
"Please leave the new package outside. We will pick it up soon."
It was the delivery and logistics service.
At some point, Koreans began to believe that if you ordered something before midnight, your goods should obviously arrive by the next morning, right? This belief even included the expectation of balking at 3,000 won fees for delivery. Because really, who did they think could afford such exorbitant fees?
As a result, delivery in this land was miraculously "fast" and "free." It was like alchemy in its own right.
Unfortunately, after the apocalypse arrived, this large-scale magic circle collapsed. However, since public safety, infrastructure, and convenience stores all went down together, its end wasn't too lonely.
"Hyung."
Or at least, that's what I thought.
"Huh? What is it?"
"You know those ads that pop up at exactly 4:44:44 in the morning? The ones from those ridiculous curse sites," Seo Gyu said.
The curse site ads referred to a series of posts that would pop up out of the blue on SG Net. As Seo Gyu mentioned, they were usually uploaded at 4:44:44 AM.
If you visited SG Net at that time, you'd see something like this:
- Anonymous: ♠♠Amazing Shopping Mall♠♠ Sign up now for 1-on-1 consultation with the owner $$ 100% refund guaranteed @@@
- Drowning: ☆Global☆Royal☆Renaissance☆ Bitcoin▶▶Stock Info 1-time reading experience☜☜ Free
LeydteuqhTog7IKs656MIOyLnOyytCDtjJTslYTsmpQg7L2UIOyeiOyWtOyalCDri6TsnYzrgqAg7JWE7LmoIDfsi5zquYzsp4Ag67Cw7IahIOqwgOuKpQ==
- Anonymous: Promotion: I tried this free online lecture, and it was really helpful lol
These sorts of posts would maddeningly flood the board, appearing all at once in less than a second, totaling about 200 posts in all.
Needless to say, it was best practice to never click on them carelessly. They weren't posted by humans, and if a non-expert tried it at home and accessed them, they could easily fall under a curse without even realizing it.
"Hey," I called, getting Seo Gyu's attention again. "Why are you bringing this up?"
"The Saintess has been sensing something strange lately."
Our response to these mindless ad bombardments was very simple: we just temporarily blocked SG Net and left everything to the Saintess. Even if the posts ambushed the site in less than a second, the Saintess had the Time Stop ability. It took her even less time to stop time and delete the posts with her admin privileges.
We could have assigned Seo Gyu to handle it, but...
Sorry, I just can't trust him when it comes to anything related to mental manipulation. I haven't forgotten how he sold out the guild to Go Yuri in the past.
"Something strange?" I repeated.
"Yeah. There've been these comments that keep showing up on the ad posts, and for this past month, one of them keeps coming up and won't disappear."
"Hmm."
"Here, look." He reached over and handed me a note he'd handwritten, and on it, was the comment transcribed in his scrawling penmanship.
- Toad House: Used discount: For sale. Delivery next morning. http://...
While the note ended in an unfamiliar website address, nothing about it or the rest of the comment was particularly suspicious.
I tilted my head. "Why is this a problem?"
"Well. I'm not entirely sure myself. You should hear the rest directly from the Saintess..."
Right.
I excused myself and headed to the Inunaki Tunnel. As soon as I did, a telepathic message came through, as if someone had been eavesdropping on our conversation.
[Several things about the comment from the user Toad House stand out as suspicious.]
I didn't find the sudden conversation strange and continued walking, slipping easily in the rhythm of our talk as I asked, "Suspicious things like what?"
[First, it's too ordinary to be a comment from an Anomaly. Most of the ad posts that appear at 4 AM are either written by AI with that disconnected, meandering sort of writing style, or they actively try to lure people in. But this comment doesn't even specify what's being sold.]
True. "Couldn't they be trying to make people curious?"
[Yes. However, the comment was posted too consistently and has never once changed,] the Saintess said evenly. [Ad posts that don't get any views on SG Net usually struggle to be more provocative and eye-catching. Despite that, the comment from Toad House remained unchanged. Even though it was first observed six months ago.]
"Hmm."
[In other words, an Anomaly that can maintain itself without devouring or enchanting humans. It may be on the more dangerous side than most.]
As I walked along, the exit to the Inunaki Tunnel soon came into view. On the stone wall blocking the end of the tunnel, graffiti was scrawled in Japanese.
The paint is too rough.
Supply human blood or replace the paint.
I bit my fingertip and wrote "OK" in blood, and the graffiti in Inunaki slowly faded away on its own.
Jumping over the stone wall put me at the tunnel entrance where the Saintess was waiting, leaning against the wall. She was wearing her usual, well-worn hoodie, with the hood pulled down low.
"Good morning, Saintess."
"Yes, good morning, Mr. Undertaker." She brushed the edges of her bangs away with the tip of her finger. "The day before yesterday, I found the Toad House ad suspicious, so I asked Yu Ji-won to check it out. I told her to go to the website address in the comment."
"Ah, I see."
Yu Ji-won had faced Go Yuri and remained completely sane. When it came to Anomalies related to mental manipulation, she was almost invincible in terms of immunity. In situations like this, where the level of danger was unclear, she was my most reliable ally.
"I heard Ji-won took a day off yesterday, so I wondered what was going on," I added. "Turns out she stayed up until 4 AM, so she wasn't in any state to be working."
"Yes. According to her testimony, when she clicked the link in the comment, she was taken to a website."
The Saintess pulled out a notepad from her hoodie pocket.
"This is the website screen I recreated based on her description. I tried to recreate it as closely as possible."
I glanced it over. The Saintess's drawing skills, while not on the level of OldManGoryeo's, were still nothing to scoff at.
"This design..."
Thanks to that, I could easily recognize it.
"Isn't this an online shopping mall?" I asked.
It was a website logo that poorly imitated the platform known for its crack-of-dawn delivery service, something most Koreans would have encountered. At the top of the screen was a title.
Toad House: Specialized in Used Goods
Give us something new, and we'll give you something old.
I furrowed my brow.
"The username comes from a children's nursery rhyme. But the phrase written here is the opposite of the lyrics."
"Yes. That's right."
This was also a game that any Korean would know, a song sung while playing in the dirt at playgrounds.
- Toad, Toad.
- Give me a new house, and I'll give you an old one.[1]
The key was to create a mound of dirt on the back of your hand and then see how skillfully you could pull your hand out. Sometimes, the great masters in their craft could pull their hands out even after tunneling through the mound. The geographical environment also played a key role, as success depended on how much moisture was in the soil.
One might call it the first exposure to civil engineering for children on the Korean Peninsula.
"So, hmm..." I hummed in thought. "Let me guess. Is this an Anomaly where you buy some used product, place an order, and it gets delivered?"
"Both Yu Ji-won and I thought the same."
The Saintess took the notepad back and burned it with a lighter, a mark of her true professionalism. Even though we had several layers of security measures in place for safety, when dealing with items related to Anomalies, we always had to be extra cautious.
"Early this morning, I contacted Team Leader Noh Do-hwa and conducted an experiment with an Awakened death row inmate," she said. "I lent her a smartphone and ordered her to access Toad House."
"Hmm."
"I told her to pick any item and place an order, but... in the end, all that appeared was a message saying that payment had failed and nothing happened."
"So that's why you came to me."
"Yes."
This was the advantage of having capable colleagues like the Saintess, Yu Ji-won, Noh Do-hwa, Seo Gyu, and others. Instead of having to give them step-by-step instructions, they handled tasks within their areas of expertise on their own. Only when they couldn't resolve something would they report it to me.
"I understand the situation. Were there any signs of mental contamination in the death row inmate?" I asked.
"I tested 16 other death row inmates, but none of them complained of headaches or hallucinations."
"Hmm. Then it's safe to assume it's harmless for now. Moreover, even after going through the trouble of placing an order, instead of luring people in, it rejected the payment..."
There was something more.
My intuition as an old regressor was whispering warnings to me.
The Saintess noticed and said, "I think there might be a special condition required to trade products on the Toad House shopping mall. Do you have any ideas, Mr. Undertaker?"
"Wait a moment."
I pulled up a mental image of the comment Seo Gyu showed me and accessed Toad House directly on my smartphone.
Whoosh.
Numerous products were on display. Although the website's text was occasionally broken, the product names and photos were easy to recognize.
[Park Sang-hyun's Left Hand]
[Origin: Pocheon]
The product image showed a severed human hand. The fingers looked awkward, as if drawn by AI.
'Park Sang-hyun from Pocheon... Is that the Park Sang-hyun I know? He died not long ago in this cycle.'
We weren't particularly close, but I had briefly met him while exterminating the National Tax Service Comprehensive Income Tax Anomaly.
I hesitated, lost in thought, then said, "Anomalies always have rules... In this case, the name Toad House itself is probably the clue."
First, I tried singing.
I sang the short nursery rhyme, "Toad, Toad. Give me a new house, and I'll give you an old one," and then pressed the payment button.
My smartphone vibrated.
[Payment failed.]
That method didn't work.
I paused to think, then crouched down and started gathering dirt.
"Mr. Undertaker?"
"If singing alone isn't enough, I have no choice but to try playing in the dirt."
I made a mound of dirt large enough to cover my entire left hand and sang the nursery rhyme.
"Toad, Toad. Give me a new house, and I'll give you an old one."
My smartphone, placed on top of the mound, vibrated with a beep.
[Payment failed.]
Still no luck.
So then.
"Toad, Toad. Give me an old house, and I'll give you a new one—"
Suddenly, I felt a severing pain in my left hand under the mound.
It was a familiar pain.
I frowned and pulled my hand away—and found myself grimly surprised to find there was no hand left to pull away.
My entire left hand was gone from the wrist down.
Blood dripped from the mound. The Saintess, who had been crouching beside me, raised her eyebrows.
"Ah."
"It seems I've discovered how to use the shopping mall."
I used my Aura to stop the bleeding.
The next morning, after spending the night writing a Three Kingdoms parody novel, I received a message.
[Delivery completed.]
[1 box of fresh delivery items has been delivered.]
"Hmm."
I stepped out of my room in the Inunaki Tunnel. A delivery box was sitting in the hallway of the hideout.
As I had guessed, opening the box revealed someone's left hand, carefully packaged and delivered.
I turned to the Saintess, who was sharing my vision.
"The 'used products' sold at Toad House are the bodies or belongings of dead people. In other words, relics."
[...]
"And if you provide the same body part or item, it seems to exchange them in a one-to-one barter."
The Toad House shopping mall was a communal graveyard where the corpses and relics of the dead were stored.
Footnotes:
[1] This is the nursery rhyme Go Yuri sings at the end of the Diver arc in chapter 178.
-x-X-x-
The Distributor II
Question:Who would react as follows when informed about the true nature of the second-hand shopping mall "Toad House"? (Hint: It's a member of the Regression Alliance.)
"Ah, I see. You've found another damn Anomaly somewhere. Truly impressive. Let's seal it immediately..."
The correct answer was Noh Do-hwa.
"The existence of this site must never be revealed to the public. Let's keep it a secret and remain silent..."
"Uh, can I ask why?" Seo Gyu timidly inquired.
Back when he debuted at Busan Station, Seo Gyu would curse at anyone who pissed him off, but in front of Do-hwa, he kept his mouth shut.
To be fair to him, anyone with common sense would flinch when facing her. Her gaze had a certain power that forced you into deep self-reflection, making you wonder, Did I have some grudge against this person in a past life?
"It's a natural question. The risk is too great—it could easily become a tool for the perfect crime..."
In one, smooth motion, Do-hwa lowered her smartphone and showed the screen to us. Displayed there was a product listed on the shopping mall.
[Yoo Jung-don's Heart]
[Place of Origin: Sinuiju]
"As you can see, Toad House sells all sorts of organs, from hearts to duodenums. Now, let's say—and I won't name names—someone buries a person they dislike in the ground..."
Why are you looking at me while saying it?
"Then, I proceed to add eyes, left arm, right arm, brain, heart, and so on, all body parts, to the cart and hit the 'Pay Now' button. What do you think will happen...?"
"Uh."
"Making a person disappear without a trace is a piece of cake. Moreover, the body parts sold on this site are all from people who were once alive..."
That's right.
The left hand of Park Sang-hyun that I ordered as a test, or the heart of Yoo Jung-don that Do-hwa just showed us—they all belonged to real people.
In other words...
"Wouldn't the families go mad...?"
In this desolate and brutal world, many have lost family members or loved ones. Most of them couldn't even retrieve the remains or belongings of the missing. With nothing left to bury, they had no choice but to bury their memories deep in their hearts.
"Using this site is simple. You just enter the name of the family member you lost in the search bar. Then a part of that family member's corpse will appear..."
"Ah."
"A good citizen might willingly offer their own left hand to buy back their lost family member's left hand. But, hmm. Isn't there a smarter way...?"
Realization dawned on Seo Gyu's face.
I spoke up in his stead.
"That's right. There will inevitably be cases where people kidnap others to sacrifice them in order to retrieve their family members."
Professional brokers might even appear, advertising, "We'll find your family's remains for you," while secretly abducting ordinary people with no connections to sell their organs.
"After all, the world will only fall further into the apocalypse, and the number of missing persons will only increase, never decrease. Human sacrifice is always a blue ocean market."
"Ugh."
Seo Gyu's expression then twisted in disgust.
Similar incidents had already been discovered several times, namely with Village Bus No. 44 and the organ transfer bus.
"Well then, let's keep the existence of Toad House a secret forever and handle it through SG Net as we have been doing—"
If the story had ended there, it would have been a natural conclusion, but if that were the case, I wouldn't have introduced it in the first place.
"Um, Guild Leader."
"Hmm?"
Just as the meeting was about to adjourn, Ah-ryeon tugged at my sleeve.
"What is it, Ah-ryeon?" I asked.
"Well, um... Over there."
She glanced around. Still in the meeting room were Ji-won, Yo-hwa, Dok-seo, and Seo Gyu, who had paused to wait for me.
"Can you lend me your for a moment?"
I sent her a confused look.
"Uh, come on."
I lowered my head, and Ah-ryeon tiptoed to whisper in my ear, "Um, Toad House. It's a shame to completely seal it off, so can't we just use it ourselves?"
"Hmm?"
"Well, you know. When people die, if they don't get a proper funeral, they turn into the Hollow, like the Ten Legs...? There are a lot of the dead in the Monster Waves too. I think that's been a long-standing concern for you, Guild Leader."
She was right.
As mentioned before, the reason I came to be known by the alias of Undertaker was that I initially went around recommending to people, "Do you know about Time Seal? It's a great way to log out of the reality game." But now, it's because I'm recognized as a funeral expert.
Those who received a funeral from me never turned into the dead. Despite appearances, I'm a high-value talent, you see.
"So?"
"Well, couldn't we use me?"
"?"
"Things like hearts or brains are beyond me, but arms or legs... Even if they're gone for a while, they'll recover quickly... Even if it hurts when they're cut off, if we know in advance, we can numb the pain with anesthesia or something..."
"??"
"Hehe. Actually, I was a bit disappointed with Village Bus No. 44. If you go in there, you die immediately, right? So only those who are truly determined to die can use it. But with this Toad House site, I think my healing abilities could cover it!"
"Stop," I commanded, bewildered. "Ah-ryeon. You're saying you'll accept requests from families, sacrifice your own limbs, and help them find the remains of their missing loved ones? Even though you know full well that having your limbs cut off on Toad House will hurt?"
"Yes!"
"Oh."
Several options presented themselves here. I could easily imagine what routes would unfold depending on which option I chose.
1. Wow, that's a really great idea. Let's do it right away.
First, all the families who have lost loved ones and carry the weight of their grief would flock to Ah-ryeon.
"Saintess! Please find my father!"
"Yes. I will heal your wounds, even if scars remain."
Ah-ryeon smiles brightly.
Already revered as the Saintess of the North for periodically participating in the final defense line where humanity's fate hangs in the balance and casting AOE heals, Ah-ryeon would now become the Saintess of All.
The problem is that we also need to consider the perspective of the Anomalies. Every time Ah-ryeon retrieves the remains of a hundred, a thousand, or ten thousand missing persons, Toad House would accumulate hundreds or thousands of "Ah-ryeon's Left Arm" and "Ah-ryeon's Right Leg."
There's no worse inventory than this.
"G-Guild Leader! It's a disaster!"
"Hmm?"
"An Anomaly made from my arms and legs has appeared! Like the Hecatoncheires from Greek mythology![1] It even copied my healing ability, so even if you cut off its arms, they grow back. It's disgusting... What do we do?"
Outcome of Option 1: The birth of Ah-ryeon's shadow Anomaly. The emergence of the Thousand Legs, a superior version of the Ten Legs. The end of the world.
Thus, Option 1 was clearly out. Next.
2. Oh, our Ah-ryeon, always picking fights on internet communities, has now grown to care for others? Truly impressive.
Common sense would dictate that this was the right path, but the villain OldManGoryeo should never be judged by common sense. I can confidently say that her psyche is even more twisted than Do-hwa's.
As an Ah-ryeon psychology expert, I immediately saw through her intentions.
"You brat. You want me to suffer while watching you sacrifice yourself, don't you?"
"Ah..."
"You're hoping I'll say, 'That's enough, you've done enough, your pain hurts me more than anyone else's sorrow,' aren't you?"
"Ah, ah, ah..."
"You! Truly a flower that blooms by devouring people's malice! Now you plan to suck in even my goodwill and feel satiated, don't you? Did you think I wouldn't notice?"
"Nyeh heh heh..." Ah-ryeon fidgeted with her fingers while looking up at me. "G-Guild Leader, you seem to like me too much. It's a bit creepy..."
"What's really creepy is your mindset."
"Hahaha, Ah, it hurts, Guild Leader—"
I performed the "Terror Fist Spin," a specialty of Shin-chan's mom, and Ah-ryeon went spinning, flailing her arms around.
I sighed inwardly. It was a mystery how a sensible person like me got tangled up with such a strange kid.
"...Hmm? Guild Leader?"
Suddenly, an idea flashed through my mind.
The plan to sacrifice Ah-ryeon to help families retrieve their loved ones was absurd. But maybe we could create a substitute?
"Wait. Saintess, could you call Commander Noh and Ha-yul? Tell them to come back to the meeting room."
[Yes, understood.]
Although the two had already left the meeting room, they hadn't gone far. Hearing the Saintess's Telepathic message, they quickly returned.
Do-hwa frowned deeply. "What now? I have outpatient appointments scheduled after lunch, so I'm quite busy today..."
"We have something to test. This Toad House shop. Do we really need to offer 'real human body parts' as a sacrifice?"
Do-hwa's glasses tilted, gleaming, as she asked, "What are you talking about...?"
"Ha-yul will make doll parts, and you, Commander Noh, will create prosthetics from them. We'll equip these prosthetics and offer them as 'sacrifices.'"
It wasn't just Do-hwa who responded this time. All my other comrades' eyes widened. The Saintess, who was participating remotely, must have been surprised too.
"Uh, hyung. Will that work? Even if it's an Anomaly, wouldn't it be able to tell the difference between real and fake?"
"No," I said, shaking my head. "Precisely because it's an Anomaly, it can't distinguish between real and fake. Those things fundamentally see imagination and reality as the same. Even if it's a prosthetic leg made from a prosthetic, if the wearer feels the same pain and sensation as a real leg, the Anomaly is likely to judge it as real. And one more thing."
My voice grew stronger.
"Think of the Southern Campaign, Seo Gyu."
"Huh?"
Seo Gyu made a confounded face, but I continued.
"Back in the day, Prime Minister Zhuge Liang, who carried the fate of Shu on his shoulders, had to halt his army before the fierce rivers of the Southern Barbarians. The Southern Barbarian guides said, 'If you cut off a person's head and offer it, the river's wrath will subside.'"
"Ah," Seo Gyu hummed in understanding. "So it wasn't nonsense but a reference to The Three Kingdoms."
"Is there a difference between the two? Right now, you're saying, 'It's not A, but A,' you know..." Do-hwa snarked.
"What did the Prime Minister do then? Did he cut off the heads of innocent soldiers and offer them to some pseudo-deity of the river?" I asked, knowing this was too important to stop now. "No. The Prime Minister respected the customs of the Southern Barbarians while cleverly avoiding the evil practice of human sacrifice, and even gave birth to the menu item known as dumplings."[2]
"G-Guild Leader, you're having another crazy episode..."
The atmosphere of great admiration for my brilliant idea had somehow completely dissipated.
"Well, Commander Noh? Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"
"I wish I didn't..." Do-hwa muttered a curse. "Anyway, it makes sense. There happens to be a death row inmate missing an arm. Let's test it on him..."
We all rushed down to the underground prison of the National Road Management Corps. There was an elevator, but since it had appeared on its own without our installation, we absolutely couldn't use it.
Seeing Ji-won among our group, the prisoners behind the bars screamed.
"Hyaaaak! Silver hair! The executioner with silver hair!"
"Save me! I was wrong! Wrong, I swear! I lived a deplorable life!"
"Just kill me!"
Everyone looked at Ji-won, who merely tilted her head, seemingly unaware of what was going on. We also turned our gaze away without drawing attention to it.
"Hey, you. Come out for a moment..."
"Hyaaaak!"
"Shut the hell up. If you keep making noise, I'll arrange a cozy private cell date with Team Leader Yu..."
The death row inmate became very quiet.
Ha-yul assisted in creating the prosthetic arm, which Do-hwa then refined with precision.
An ordinary prosthetist would have taken days to make a plaster cast, wait for it to harden, and so on, but the collaboration between the two Awakeners got the job done in less than 30 minutes.
"Try it on..."
"O-okay."
Snap. The prosthetic was fastened with a leather belt.
Ji-won had brought along some soil without needing to be told and created a Toad House mound, into which we placed the inmate's prosthetic.
The prisoner, trembling and not understanding the situation, followed our instructions.
"T-Toad, Toad, I'll give you an old house, give me a new one..."
"Damn it. You got the lyrics wrong. Do you really want to die...?"
"A-ahhh! Sorry! I'm Sorry! Toad, toad! Give me a new house, and I'll give you an old one!"
The death row inmate frantically shouted and pressed the "Pay Now" button on the Toad House second-hand shopping mall displayed on his smartphone.
Then, the prisoner screamed.
"Hyaaak! M-my arm! My arm! Aaaack!"
Perhaps forgetting that we were watching, the prisoner rolled on the floor.
But none of us, members of the Regression Alliance, paid attention to the inmate's pitiful flailing.
It was gone.
"Wow... G-Guild Leader. It really disappeared."
The prosthetic arm that had just been attached moments ago had vanished as if it were merely a phantom limb all along.
We dug through the Toad House mound of soil, but no trace remained.
A pop-up window appeared on the smartphone's shopping mall screen.
[Payment completed.]
As the death row inmate's screams echoed through the underground prison, all my comrades silently looked at me.
I nodded.
"Ji-won."
"Yes, Your Excellency."
"Compile a list of all the missing persons reported by families so far. Also, send out notices to those who haven't reported, asking them to write down the names of the missing at the nearest National Road Management Corps office."
"Understood. I'll get right on it."
The Monster Wave. An infinite Anomaly that always brings about the end of the world.
Half of the Monster Wave's strength comes from the dead—the endless waves of corpses.
A strategy to counter it may have just been discovered.
Footnotes:
[1] The Hecatoncheiresfrom Greek mythology are three giants whose enormous bodies were made up of fifty heads and one hundred arms.
[2] Legend has it that when trying to cross the rivers to the Southern Barbarians, Zhuge Liang was forced to choose between failure, death, and sacrificing the heads of 50 fifty to appease the ravenous river gods. Instead, he cooked dumplings in the shape of human heads and tossed them into the river, which the gods accepted, allowing him to successfully cross the raging tides.
-x-X-x-
The Distributor III
Allow me a moment to digress.
In my story, I've adopted the "Omniscient Regressor's Viewpoint."
Thanks to this, you, the readers, are exposed to fairly objective and relatively truthful information. I want to emphasize that I always strive to be honest with you, and I hope you appreciate my efforts. On the other hand, most people living in this world aren't as fortunate as you.
To give you the most straightforward example, Awakeners almost always hide or distort their abilities when dealing with others.
For instance, Ji-won's Mini-Map.
- Anonymous: Hey, sorry to bother you, but what were the conditions for the Operations Team Leader's ability to activate again?
└ [NationalRoad] ForbiddenBooksManagementDivision17: Either physical contact, like brushing against their clothes, or maintaining eye contact for more than 3 seconds. One of the two must be met.
└ Anonymous: Thanks!!
└ [National Road] Officer: May I ask why you're suddenly curious about such specific details?
└ Anonymous: Oops.
The above comment contained incorrect information. In reality, for Mini-Map to activate, all Ji-won needed was to have met the person at least once and to know their name—and "meeting" could take place either in real life or on SG Net.
Without even realizing it, the person who posted the question had already been detected by Ji-won.
But what about their name, you may ask? Well, Seo Gyu could find it out using his administrator privileges or the Saintess could figure it out and pass it along.
Next, let's talk about Seo-rin's Cursed Song Incantation.
"Holy shit! The Great Witch is singing!"
"Where could the totems be hidden? Find them! Destroy them quickly!"
You and I both know that Seo-rin's Cursed Song Incantation activates simply by her singing. Others, however, don't have that privilege.
Every time Seo-rin goes to war, she hides totems resembling African wooden dolls all over the battlefield, almost as if she's deliberately baiting onlookers to deduce, Aha! The totems must remain intact for Cursed Song Incantation to activate.
"Guild Leader! We've destroyed two, but we can't find the rest!"
"Keep looking! They must be nearby!"
Everyone fell for this simple bluff.
Whenever Cursed Song Incantation echoed across the battlefield, Seo-rin's opponents would frantically search for the hidden "totems," and by forcing them to waste time and manpower on a useless task, Seo-rin in turn gained the upper hand.
Deception. Camouflage. Distortion of information.
Struggling to survive just that little bit longer is the fate of all Awakeners, so twisting the true nature of their abilities is just the basics.
Now then. Why am I explaining such obviously common knowledge to you all over again?
"You must have been deeply saddened by not being able to hold a proper funeral for your friend. Don't worry. I'll use my ability to find some of their belongings for you at the very least."
"R-really, Undertaker?"
"Of course. If you can provide me with your friend's name, place of origin, and as much accurate personal information as possible, I'll retrieve their belongings. If you can hold a modest funeral with them, the deceased won't wander as a lost soul."
"Oh! Thank you, Undertaker! Thank you! I'll never forget this kindness!"
I, the Undertaker, have evolved into an even more complete, max-level professional Undertaker (Lv. 5).
[Their name is Lee Eun-ju. Place of origin: Seoul. Last seen at Hapjeong Station subway exit.]
[After searching through Toad House, two individuals matching this information were found.]
[Judging by the bracelet on her wrist, it seems the first one is the correct match.]
It was the Saintess reporting in with the information I had asked her to pass along to me.
"Thank you. Please relay this to Ji-won."
[Understood.]
A new process had been established.
→ First, I receive information about the missing person from their family. I also post a notice on SG Net that I'll accept requests at any time.
→ The information is then sent (via the Saintess's Telepathy) to the underground prison beneath the National Road Management Headquarters.
→ The second-hand shop Toad House searches for remains or belongings matching the missing person.
→ Do-hwa and Ha-yul create prosthetic limbs or other assistive devices that match the items found on Toad House.
→ The prosthetics are attached to a death row inmate. Snip!
→ The remains are delivered to the family, and a funeral is held. Problem solved!
"I'm ridiculously busy..." muttered Do-hwa, whose under-eye bags always screamed the word TIRED in capital letters. "Last week alone, I made 16 prosthetic arms and 22 prosthetic legs. Damn it. If I had worked at this pace back when I was a civil servant, I could've single-handedly managed all the national rehabilitation hospitals in the country..."
"Just make rough models of them. They're not meant to be used by the wearer anyway—they're just for selling on Toad House. I told you not to waste your craftsmanship on this."
She sucked in a slow breath, visibly displeased. But soon, upon seeing the mountain of recycled documents piled on the table, she let out the breath in a long sigh. "Fine. I guess there's no other choice. It's annoying, but I'll just make some sticks and attach them..."
Do-hwa had always custom-made assistive devices for each patient to ensure their comfort. Even if she just grabbed a random stick and a fishing hook to create a Captain Hook set, her Prosthetic Creation ability would work without issue. The fishing hook wouldn't be useful for anything other than using Tinker Bell as bait, of course. It would only give the wearer the sensation of having a hand attached—practically useless, which would never satisfy a perfectionist like Do-hwa.
But Noh Do-hwa was a pragmatist before she was a perfectionist.
She fully accepted my black-and-white logic: "Why put effort into junk that's just going to be handed over to monsters? Are you on their side or something?"
As a result...
"Alright. Next..."
"C-Commander! No, Your Commandership on High! I really don't want to lose my arm! It hurts too much! I was wrong! I admit it! Please!"
"You're delaying my off-time. Please note that there's an inverse relationship between my off-time and your lifespan. Next..."
"Eeeek! Please spare me! Please!"
"Next..."
A mass-production system capable of handling hundreds of prosthetics a day was established.
Do-hwa was disheartened by this inhumane industrial revolution at first, but after attending a joint funeral for the families, her perspective seemed to change.
The first joint funeral, held in Busan, concluded with a solemn and somber mood in the air.
In a world ravaged by the apocalypse, it wasn't easy for people to maintain their humanity. The Constellation System devised by the Saintess was essentially a temporary measure of support to prevent the collapse of humankind—like scaffolding at a construction site.
"How deeply saddened you must be."
"Thank you..."
"Oh, my child! Why did you go down there? Why?!"
"Father, I'm sorry. I love you, Father."
I was no different. Just as the Saintess cleverly twisted her Telepathy and Clairvoyance abilities to create the Constellation System, I used the Toad House Anomaly to establish the Funeral System.
Those who can properly say goodbye are better prepared to meet someone new. Humanity isn't simply a noble virtue of any given individual—it arises from the ties two or more people form with each other. Thus, funerals—the ultimate farewell—are a ritual for the preservation of humanity.
After paying our respects to the departed, I was treated to a once-in-a-century rare event.
"Hmm," Do-hwa hummed. Then out of the blue, she suggested, "Let's take a walk..."
"Sure."
Despite being the one to propose it, she barely said a word after we arrived at Haeundae's sandy beach. The waves crashed, foaming at the edges where the Milky Way shimmered.
Do-hwa's pitch-black eyes were indistinguishable from the night sea reflecting the night sky.
Unlike me, who had mastered Aura, Do-hwa couldn't go for over a week without sleep. Still, thanks to chugging the special alchemical energy drinks made by Uehara Shino of the Magical Girl Council, she had astronomically reduced her need for sleep relative to others.
Thus, it wasn't until around 6 AM that she finally spoke.
"Making assistive devices for the living is my job, but I never imagined I'd be making them for the dead too. It never even occurred to me that I might be doing this one day..."
"Life never strays too far from the familiar, yet the unfamiliar still approaches with slow steps."
"Hmm. I don't want to dismiss it with just a saying..."
Do-hwa glanced at me.
She was one step closer to the sea than I was.
"Because this project is clearly the brainchild of the Awakener Undertaker—you."
I stayed silent at that.
"For the first time, I feel a sense of fulfillment. Huh. I never felt any sense of fulfillment in life—not when I became the head of the National Road Management Division, or when I built the nationwide road network, or when I captured vicious criminals and threw them into the underground prison..."
I knew.
In a way, she was similar to the Saintess.
She was driven purely by her sense of duty. The rational judgment that if no one else could do it, she had to take up the mantle. That was the steel structure that made up Do-hwa's heart.
"But strangely, making assistive devices for the missing and retrieving their remains gives me a sense of fulfillment..."
"Is that so?"
"Yeah. In the end, I'm just a prosthetic maker..."
A brief silence washed over us, buoyed only by the sound of the waves.
"I wish life could always be like this."
A murmur, carried by the night sea.
"It's nothing grand. You can block pain with Aura or whatever, right?"
"That's right."
"Then just take Ah-ryeon with you, and you can regenerate arms or legs. Ask people if they've lost anyone. I'll just toss on some metal sticks I have lying around, and that'll be enough..."
"Shall we go together?" I impulsively suggested. "Since the next cycle is the 710th, it's a good time for a vacation round. If you want, we can leave the National Road Management Division to fend for itself and just wander around with three or four people."
Do-hwa's gaze lingered on my face. After the waves crashed three times and her lips twitched four times, she finally spoke.
"Later."
"Later?"
"Yes. A little later..."
Then with a rustle of sand, Do-hwa stepped past me and said as if drifting away, "It's about time Jagalchi Market opens. Let's grab a drink and head to work..."
"Ah, sounds good. Red wine is actually one of the world's top 10 superfoods, you know."
"You're talking nonsense again..."
Before leaving the shore, I glanced back at the sea one last time.
In the footprints Do-hwa left on the sandy beach, a small dawn had pooled.
There is a short epilogue.
Exactly 16 years later.
"Hey, Awakener Undertaker. I heard the Monster Wave is coming, so I came up to the rooftop..."
"Yeah."
"Those corpses must be the lost souls..."
"Correct. Judging by their faces, they mostly came from beyond the Himalayas or the Ural Mountains. All that effort traveling around holding funerals paid off."
"Those flying building chunks must be the City Eaters you told me about, right?"
"City Devourers."
"Sure. Anyway, let's assume we know all those. But..." Do-hwa pointed into the distance. "What the hell are those damn things...?"
The person responsible for lowering the average dignity of the Korean language with every curse, National Road Management Division Commander Noh, pointed in the direction where "those damn things" were rolling around.
Have you ever seen a tumbleweed in a Western movie? Imagine a bunch of tangled roots rolling around on the ground, like a downgraded version of a steel scrubber.
Now imagine that but 100,000 times bigger.
An Anomaly resembling a tumbleweed was approaching as part of the Monster Wave.
- Clank, thud. Clank, screech.
"Hmm. It's just a bunch of steel rods tangled together, moving— Or rather, barely rolling around."
"No way...?"
"Yes. They're the prosthetic devices you made, Commander Noh. I wondered where all those assistive devices collected by Toad House went. Turns out, they got eaten by the Monster Wave and came along with it."
Silence.
"But honestly, they're shoddy. The Prosthetic Creation ability isn't physically dangerous, after all. Thanks to that, the Monster Wave's power seems to have weakened."
Of course, the weakening effect was still minimal. This was our first round of using Toad House. We were just getting started, so as the cycles progressed and our know-how accumulated, it was clear the Monster Wave would grow weaker.
We'll revisit this in later cycles, but ultimately, we achieved the great feat of weakening the Monster Wave's strength by over 50%.
However, in accordance with the Law of Equivalent Exchange, those strange chopstick-like steel scrubber monsters also grew increasingly massive.
Later, people gathered at the final defense line would look up at the colossal steel scrubber and panic, asking, "What the hell is that damn thing?"
"Thank you, Commander Noh. To honor this brilliant achievement, the newly discovered monster shall be named the Noh Do-hwa Monster—"
I was choked.