Kady let out a low whistle, her eyes scanning the magical parchment for the third time. "Holy shit, this is... actual domestic bliss. In a timeline that didn't go completely to hell."
Penny leaned over her shoulder with what Q, could only call a proud look? "Well, what do you know? Harry Potter actually survived long enough to have kids and a lawn. I figured he'd have accidentally turned himself into a deadman by thirty."
Elliot sighed, leaning against the cottage doorframe and looking at the happy family portrait with a mixture of genuine warmth and a hint of melancholy. "For some reason, I feel left out of this particular adventure. Why don't I have a godchild in this version? Or at least a very expensive wine cellar named in my honor?"
Kady looked between the original Alice and the other Alicia, clearing her throat awkwardly. "Uhh, congrats, I guess? To both of you? For the hypothetical children?"
"So," Margo interrupted, snapping her fingers to reclaim the spotlight. "Enough about the 'Lives We Could Have Had.' What have you idiots been up to while I was busy running a crumbling monarchy?"
"Oh, you know," Elliot said, waving a hand dismissively. "The usual. Got attacked by pirates, did some light soul-binding, conscripted a fleet. High-seas hijinks."
Quentin's eyes widened. "Wait, umm... pirates? You guys actually met real Fillorian pirates?"
"Yeah," Penny snapped, cutting him off before he could go into a nerd-spiral. "Now stop it with those thoughts. They weren't Jack Sparrow; they were a massive pain in my ass."
"What about you, Bambi?" Elliot asked, turning the question back to Margo. "How's the crown treating your hairline?"
"Oh, nothing much," Margo said with a terrifyingly calm smile. "Just got married. My husband nearly got beheaded by his psychologically challenged younger brother. Standard Tuesday."
"What the fuck?" Kady blinked.
"Oh yeah, exactly," Margo replied.
"Sounds like you're holding down the fort with your usual grace," Elliot noted, though his eyes were worried.
"I am a few sanities away from blowing a major gasket, El," Margo admitted as her voice dropped into that dangerous and sharp tone Elliot knew all too well. "If you don't get back to the castle on time, I am legitimately going to start cooking those pale-ass bugs in their own Queen's bathtub. I'll feed them to the bitch herself before beating her to death with the bones of my victims."
The room went silent which was broken when Penny let out a slow, appreciative whistle, "Damn, girl. You get shit done."
"Hmm. Thank you," Margo said, smoothing her skirt.
After that was settled, Penny tapped the table, "Okay look, We've got three of the keys. The fourth one is in..."
"The Abyss," Quentin whispered, "Ugh, of course it is," Margo groaned. "Because why would anything be easy?"
"It's a part of Fillory that's in perpetual night," Quentin explained, shifting into 'Quest Guide' mode. "Maybe you guys could... I don't know, take another route and go for the key instead?"
"I'd love to," Elliot said, straightening his coat, "but I've got other royal fires to put out. I need to get to Whitespire ASAP. But," he looked at Penny, "you two can go back and continue the quest."
Penny opened his mouth to protest, but Alice cut him off. "Well, it is your quest, Penny. The Library gave it to you."
Penny rolled his eyes, clearly thinking his time would be better spent literally anywhere else. "Fine. Whatever. Let's get it over with."
"I'm coming too," Quentin added quickly.
Penny groaned while Alice just shook her head. "Hey," Kady said, looking around the room. "Where the hell is Kai?"
"He's with Jane," Julia said, her voice a bit distant.
"Oh yeah," Elliot muttered. "That part is still confusing. The fact that she's still alive after the... well, you know. The strangling and the beheading."
"He wants her to help him with something," Julia explained with a faint blush creeping onto her neck. "They're busy right now."
Penny happened to look at Alicia just then. As a Traveler, his psychic static sometimes picked up leaks, and a single, vivid image flashed into his mind from her head. Strangely, it was an image of her, Julia, and the ginger-haired Jane in a position that was definitely not about quest planning.
Penny blinked a couple of times, cleared his throat and looked away. 'That bastard, oh well whatever,' he thought.
"Let's go then," Penny grumbled before turning back to the still opened door connecting the physical kids cottage to the muntjac.
————-
The Fairy Queen stood with her usual terrifyingly still posture, flanked by Queen Agate of the Floating Mountain and a very handsome, if slightly overwhelmed, Micah.
"Well," Eliot said, smoothing his traveling coat and eyeing the grim welcoming committee, "I see the 'Waiting for the King and Queen' club has really leveled up its membership. Is there a sign-up sheet, or do we just jump straight into the awkward silences?"
The Fairy Queen tilted her head slightly and Elliot could see her eyed shimmering with irritation, "I do not understand the reference to a 'club,' High King."
"Don't worry your sparkly little head about it," Eliot replied with a dismissive wave, "But seriously, what is this? A coup or a very intense double date?"
Queen Agate stepped forward with her stone-grey eyes fixed on Margo. "The alliance is signed, Queen Margo, but the bond is not yet sealed. My son is your betrothed, yet you have yet to finalize the marriage with the traditional consummation. The Floating Mountain tribe does not consider a contract valid until the... physical ledgers are balanced."
Margo didn't even blink at the fact she was just told to get on with it and fuck her husband. She adjusted her crown, "Calm down, woman. All in due time. I've been a bit busy being a messenger to some people and desecrating graves. Priorities."
She shifted her gaze to Micah, her expression softening into a slow, predatory smile that made the young prince's breath hitch, "Besides," she added as her voice dropped into a sultry purr, "I'm definitely looking forward to 'getting some dick afterall.' Consider the anticipation part of the dowry."
Micah offered a small, shy smile in return, clearly not hating the idea.
"However," Margo snapped back as eyes flashing back to Agate, "we need to do something about that little deranged sibling of his. He's a flight risk and a homicidal pest. I cannot and will not allow an amateur assassin to roam my kingdom."
"Which brings up the rather sticky matter of you arranging a marriage for Queen Margo without my royal consent," Eliot chimed in, circling Micah like he was inspecting a prize horse. "Which, by the way... hmmm." He tapped his chin, looking Micah up and down. "Okay, fine. He's actually not that bad. He's got great bone structure and he clearly knows how to stay quiet."
"Eyes off the merchandise, El," Margo warned, stepping between them. "This one is mine."
She turned back to the two queens, her voice turning to tempered steel. "I will consummate this marriage when I want to, and not a moment before or after. I am the High Queen of Fillory, not a breeding mare for your tribal customs."
She leveled a finger at the Fairy Queen, her gaze narrowing. "And as for you, don't think about any funny business while I'm occupied. If I find one more 'miracle' or 'blessing' in my bedchamber, it wouldn't end pretty for anyone with wings."
Without waiting for a response, Margo turned on her heel and marched away.
"She's in a delightful mood today, finding out she's a godmother really did mellow her out a bit." Eliot whispered to the crowd. "I'd give her about twenty minutes before she starts throwing things." He gave a mock-salute and hurried after her.
——
Margo's heels clicked like gunfire against the stone floor as she and Eliot rounded the corner, putting a comfortable distance between themselves and the winged pests.
"I swear to the Great Cock, El," Margo hissed with her eyes darting around to ensure no spies were in the masonry. "I really need to learn how Kai did that fucking banishment spell. I want it permanent, I want it localized to every square inch of this castle, and I want it to smell like RAID for anyone with a thorax."
"It most certainly must have been a 'mic drop' moment for our resident anomaly," Eliot agreed, "Though knowing him, the price for the tutorial is probably your firstborn or a very expensive bottle of gin. Neither of which I'd recommend giving him." He joked.
——-
Kai stood in the center of a subterranean chamber that mirrored the Wellspring's cavern, but instead of just glowing water, the room was dominated by two massive, shimmering pillars of light. Jane stood beside him, her arms crossed tight over her chest, looking at the setup with the horrified fascination of someone watching a train wreck in slow motion.
Chained within the pillars were two different entities with one of them being one of the twin gods of Fillory. Ember looked particularly bedraggled and his majestic beard looked like it hadn't seen a comb in a century.
"You know," Kai said, gesturing broadly at the scene with a small grin, "I was going for 'Industrial Chic,' but I think it leans more toward 'Divine Dungeon.' Thoughts?"
Jane turned to him with a deadpan expression. "You have not one, but two gods chained up in your basement, Kai. And you're literally draining them like a pair of overcharged car batteries. This is beyond sacrilege; it's... it's just bad manners."
"Technically, only one is a god," Kai corrected, wagging a finger. "Ember here is the genuine article. The other one? Well, the guy's basically a glorified plumber and 'draining' sounds so harsh, Jane. Let's call it 'redistributing wealth.' I'm just a magical socialist."
Ember let out a weary, low-frequency scoff from his pillar, "You are a parasite, Malachai. A clever, irritating flea on the hide of creation."
"See? He's still got spirit!" Kai chirped, looking at Jane with the bright, expectant eyes of a kid showing off a particularly gnarly science project.
Jane sighed, rubbing her temples. "Dear god... and I mean that literally. You're looking at me for praise, aren't you? You want me to tell you that this diabolical, reality-warping shit you've built is 'impressive'?"
"I mean," Kai said, leaning against the plumber's pillar and causing the god to groan, "A 'Good job, Kai' wouldn't kill you. It's a lot of work maintaining the voltage. Do you have any idea how many concepts I had to rewrite just to make the chains itch?"
Jane stared at the flickering light of the drained gods, then back at Kai's unrepentant smirk. "You are quite possibly the most dangerous thing to ever walk through a clock, Kai. And the scariest part is that you're having fun."
"If you're good at something, never do it for free," Kai quoted with a wink. "And right now, I'm very good at being the 'Tribulation' everyone was warned about."