I could only feel the most revolting kind of touch, wetness, and stickiness across my face as the vomit poured forth into my mouth and onto the ground.
"Fuck... Off!" I spat, "You fucking witch. No, you monster! Agh... I have no idea. I have no idea who you are, why you are or what you are." Regardless, I can't have these emotions towards anyone, regardless of if they're corpses or dolls.
It makes sense to me. That's why they're all forgotten, the afterlife taking hold of them like it did me. Is that why Alice had to die? Is that why I saw these dead, rotting corpses and everyone ignored them as if nothing mattered?
I can't bear this... I can't hold myself together to act this way. Who knows how I'll turn out in a couple of days? A dead forgotten soul, dead, just a spirit trying to be with the living or an animated corpse like these puppets. It doesn't matter to me.
She stands there, unmoving by the door. "D-Doffy? Why don't you..." She paused, struggling to continue, her shoulders were stiff and unmoving. It was as if I could hear her brain trying to churn out words and not being able to. "Uh... Why are you..."
I looked up, staring at her, feeling anger at this person that I consider my friend. "Ootaea... Are you seriously not seeing anything wrong with this?" Had it been that God had chosen to not let her see the truth in front of her, then I would prefer suicide.
"What...? What's with you today, Dofro? I-I don't understand why you're acting like this! Have I... Did I say something to hurt you?" Why? Why are you not acknowledging anything?
"The doll. You're acting as if they are people! If you won't see the truth, I will have to fucking show you!" I turned back towards the orphanage, seeing a dead corpse standing, doing nothing but standing there, like it was mocking me with its existence. "Look at that! You call that a human? You think that thing can possibly talk!?"
Ootaea froze, her eyes widened as she stared at the building and back at me. "What are you trying to say!?" For the first time, she looked angry at me. "Don't joke around! They're my family! I'd know if they weren't... My family!" She ran towards me and grabbed my collar. "What the fuck is with you? Why can't you just accept that I have something to live for?! Do you want to destroy my world so badly, you fucking..." Her grip loosened as she began to cry. "Why would you do this to me?"
"I didn't do anything! These are not people! They're just corpses!" But... I couldn't get mad at her for this. She was clearly unable to see what I saw. Was I in the wrong for acting like this?
Perhaps so.
"Please... Please, Doffy... Don't do this." Her face buried into my chest as she shook her head from side to side. "I can't live a life without them... Don't... Don't kill them!" She wrapped her arms around me, and her soft cries echoed in my ears.
As I stood there, in disbelief, all I could think was... To what degree did I act as if I would murder them?
"That hatred in your eyes... That disgusting, despicable, horrific emotion in your being... Don't direct it to them... Please." Her voice was soft, but still trembling, her fingers grasping at every fibre of my clothing, trying to hold onto something that isn't there. "They may be my family... But I promise... I promise that I won't leave you behind for them...! So please, direct it to me if you must! I'm begging you, don't kill them!"
I could only say...
"I... I'm sorry, Ootaea." I wrapped my arms around her, resigning my actions, my thoughts and everything. My God, it seemed, had won the battle against me, and I had to give in to his will.
"Then... Please... Let them go. And please don't look at me with those eyes." She sniffled and took in a deep breath. "They're..."
But she couldn't finish her sentence. She couldn't bring herself to do so.
"It's... Okay, I never intended to kill them... And I won't. They'll just be forgotten, even if..." Even if they're just corpses in a world that forgets them, there will be no purpose for them. "Just... forget this ever happened."
She didn't say a word, but nodded her head. I could feel her body shaking and her tears landing on my chest.
"I..." I began to say, unsure of what to say. "I will try to understand."
And yet, even that promise was something I don't intend on keeping. No matter what I said. This world is my enemy, but I have no way to combat it.
...
The sun was bright today, a sign of good things to come, perhaps.
Our silent trek was quiet, but I could feel that Ootaea's energy was slowly recovering from what happened then.
We were almost to the convoy. And I could see the other soldiers preparing the supplies to be sent back. Leurnim noticed our arrival and waved us over.
"Hey, guys! We're about to take off! Where were you two?" He asked, his tone was friendly and unassuming, and I was glad that he was being so.
Ootaea replied, "Oh, we were just having a talk about... stuff."
"Oh!" He had a sly grin on his face, "Well, I'm glad you two had time to get to know each other! You two make a cute couple, you know that?"
A couple? I almost retched at the idea.
Shifting my eyes to Ootaea, it seemed that she too was disturbed by the thought. "Haha... No, no. That's a shit idea. Never speak to me again, Leurnim!" She waved him off, and he laughed.
"Alright, alright, I get it. But I'm just saying, you two do have a special bond! You should really consider it." He winked, and I could tell that we both frowned at his words.
"Okay, that's enough from you, let's get this convoy ready, okay?" I said, trying to get him to drop the topic.
"Yeah, yeah. We're all ready." He replied, and the others nodded in agreement.
We all piled onto the truck, and the convoy started to move.
Leurnim sat next to me and whispered, "I'm sorry if that was too much. I was just trying to lighten the mood, you know? Just classic banter and all." With a smile that made it seem like he was genuinely sorry, and not just trying to backpedal on his previous comment.
I sighed, "It's fine. I'm just not in the mood to be joked with right now."
"Yeah, I can see that. What happened back there anyway? You guys were gone for a while."
Should I lie? No, I don't think I can start lying to people... "A man died today... We were there to witness it."
"A man died? Who?" Weird, he didn't seem to show any emotion at my words.
"A man we met at a tree, he was a wise man, that I can tell you." But I had to ask... "Why don't you seem bothered by the idea of someone dying?"
He looked at me with a straight face, "Why should I care for the life of a person living near the edge? That's his fault for being out there."
"What? That doesn't make any sense, he didn't deserve to die..." What was he saying? This wasn't the person I knew... Or the impression he gave off, at least.
"Huuuh, I suppose you're new to the ADF aren't you? You see... All these pointed towns, A, B, C and D, They're all on the edge of the blue void. Put simply, they're cattle towns. People who live there willingly give themselves willingly to the Amalgamates! It's just too much trouble to keep them alive, you know?" He tapped his temple, as if this was common knowledge.
"So they're... Living corpses? Like the dolls?" The way he spoke of this, he made it seem like it wasn't a big deal.
"You're getting it, pal! But of course, the ADF has to make it seem like we actually care about these people. Otherwise, we'd have riots and uprisings! So we pretend to protect them, but really, they're just fodder to the Amalgamates! Isn't that hilarious? But hey, don't tell anyone I told you this... You seem understanding enough, though. So I think you'll be fine." He patted my back, and I could only think of how sick this world is.
Corpses and dolls... Agreeing with my idea only reinforces my truth. But, he cannot remember nor see the dead, can he? So he has a different explanation. A twisted one.
"Hey, can I ask you something else?" I inquired.
"Sure, shoot!"
"Do you know the name Alice?" I asked, hoping he would at least remember her.
"Alice? Hmm, no, can't say I do. Why?"
She really was forgotten, then.
"No reason. Just curious." I replied, trying to hide my sadness, but it was hard to do so.
"Okay, well if you have any more questions, feel free to ask." He said with a smile, as if he was trying to comfort me.
"Thanks." I replied, looking out the window and at the passing scenery.
I wonder what lies ahead. I wonder... How long until we reach the next town.
I can only hope that God doesn't have any other plans for me.
Thinking about it, why was I able to communicate with God? What was it that made me qualified for such a thing?
'Because you are just like me.'
That voice again... I recognize it.
'Do you think you can stand alone? You can't, can you? You are not alone. There is always someone watching, always. I am that someone.'
Oh great, here we go again. What more cryptic nonsense will you spew this time?
'Hey, hey. I'm only trying to have fun! Gods can get bored too, you know?'
You? A god? Just stop this stupid charade, you're not fooling me.
I looked over to Leurnim to confirm my suspicion... Was he the one speaking? But he was talking to the other soldiers, and his lips were moving. I was the only one hearing this voice it seems.
'You don't have to believe me if you don't want to. But I will tell you this, you are a fool if you don't listen to me.'
And to what degree do I trust you? You could be an Amalgamate for all I know, and I wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
'Fine. Then maybe with time, you will learn to accept me. For now, enjoy the doll party. You seem to like them.'
I could feel the annoyance rise up within me. Clenching my teeth, I looked out the window.
I don't need your input, I will survive just fine on my own. I don't need to rely on some voice to survive. I'll just have to find my own way to cope with this world.
The voice went silent just then.
"Greenhorn? Whatcha looking at? Is it the field?" Ootaea popped her head over my shoulder, looking at the same scenery I was.
"Nothing much... Just looking out for cacti. Who knows, maybe we'll find a desert soon." I replied, trying to sound casual.
"Ohh, so you're stupid enough to think that the desert will just magically appear out of nowhere?" She laughed, "Well, you're wrong, we're not that close to one! But I'm sure we'll see one sooner or later."
I chuckled a bit, and looked at her, she was smiling again, it was nice to see her back to her normal self, even if it was all a lie. "Ever thought about eating sand? I hear it's good for the bones."
She looked at me with a raised brow, "You're kidding, right? Don't eat sand, you'll just end up, I dunno... Turning into a sand man?" There was a genuine concern in her voice.
"You... don't believe in that superstition, do you?" I asked, not believing that she'd fall for something like that.
"O-Of course not! But I'm not taking the chance! I mean, you'd be dumb to eat sand anyways! It can't be cooked like normal food!" She defended herself, and I could only laugh at her response.
"But it can! I'm surprised you don't know, didn't they teach about this in school?"
"What!? No way! Doffy, stop fooling around... That's impossible, you're lying, aren't you?" Her face lit up, it seems she was genuinely interested in this.
"No, I'm not! You see... When you have a lot of sand, you can put it in a furnace with temperatures up to 1600C, and let it bake for a good few hours. You'll see that it will form into a glass-like substance. Then, you can eat it!" I explained, but she still looked at me with an unconvinced expression.
"That's not sand anymore, that's glass!" She protested, crossing her arms, "You're just trying to make me eat glass, aren't you?!"
I shook my head and laughed, "No, no! It's still sand, just in a different form! It only becomes glass if you let it cool down... But if you eat it while it's still hot, it's almost like honey! You can even put it on bread and it'll taste great!"
She looked at me with a shocked face, "You... You're lying! Leurnim! Tell him he's wrong!"
Leurnim looked at us and raised a brow, "About what? The sand or the glass?"
"The sand! It can't be eaten, right!?"
He pondered for a moment, looked at me then smiled. He's clearly in on it now... Perfect. "Well, you know... When you put sand in a furnace, it turns into glass... As Dofro probably told you, but if you don't let it cool down, it's more like a liquid. So, in a way, yeah... It can be eaten."
Ootaea's face went from shock to confusion, and then to anger, "You both are lying! I won't believe it!"
"Oh, come on. Don't be a spoilsport, Ootaea! It's true!" I said, and she huffed.
"No, no! You're treating me like a child. I'm not stupid, you know!" She crossed her arms again and pouted.
Leurnim then gave me a look that told me, "You're on your own with this one." and I sighed.
"Alright, alright. I'll admit that I was pulling your leg, but that doesn't mean it can't be done... It just means that I haven't tried it myself." I admitted defeat.
"Oh... So you two were just joking?" She sighed, "You guys are such jerks!"
"Yeah, yeah. We're the worst." I laughed, and she joined in, her pout fading away.
"You know, the only reason I said this is because I was actually planning on doing it myself." This was the way to lead it to a conversation. I hoped.
"Huh? Really? You'd actually do that? What if you die? Then I'd be the one to blame!" She seemed concerned, but I could see a hint of excitement in her eyes.
"Don't worry, I'll let you try it first if it works."
"Oh, no way! I'm not gonna eat some molten hot sand just to satisfy your weird ideas." She shook her head, and I couldn't help but laugh.
"Then what about mud? Don't you agree that mud looks an awful lot like molten chocolate? What if you can eat it?"
"No way..." Geez, are you that easy? At the end of the day, my excitement and relief could only show in the form of laughter, which was contagious as she also began laughing. "Alright, I give up, that's enough of your jokes for one day. I'll just have to remember to not listen to a word you say."
We both laughed and continued to talk, the conversation going off on tangents about our childhoods, our interests, and just general life experiences. It felt... good.
For now, I would enjoy this as it lasted.