Hey there, Folks.
Pardon my extended absence.
My personal life has been a bit hectic over in the real world,
And it's been keeping me from being able to concentrate enough to write.
For that, I am deeply sorry.
I hope that this entry finds you all well, and that your lives have been going as well as possible.
Hmm.
I've been talking to a woman as of late, and it started out pretty well, you know?
We have a language barrier, and our ages are a bit further than I typically care to work with typically...
But she is a kind person.
From what I am seeing, that may not be enough to form the base of a healthy relationship.
Not nearly enough.
She and I tend to hit emotional speed bumps that may be based on our difference of age and experience...
Maybe even our cultural differences are to blame.
Who can say?
I will not settle.
I won't.
I don't have time for it or any chaos in my life.
Peace will be the name of the game, or nothing at all.
I am healed to the point that being single no longer bothers me.
I will talk to her one last time and see if we align.
If not, so be it.
I fully believe that everything in our lives either happens or doesn't happen for a reason.
The good and the bad.
I will see this through and make a choice very soon.
People are complex.
I won't burn a bridge over a red flag,
But shit, the accelerant has been spilled!
We will see where it goes, yeah?
We will either blossom into something amazing, or the fire will light the dark in my journey onward.
You all go do what you came to do, and I will be here when you are done.
I love and appreciate you all.
Enjoy.
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October 19th, 2013.
Journal #105.
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I need something to change.
I'm tired of this slow routine.
I'm tired of just going on day by day.
I feel empty at times, like I could just fade away.
Like the people in my life are just pawns,
And I'm playing myself in an endless game...
I get so close to what I THINK I want
And it's taken.
I need something...
I can't keep living in a boy's dream...
I need to leave all of the dreams behind
Because 8/10 of them will never come true...
I'll figure something out.
I always do,
But what?
I want a wife, kids, family, home.
Things that I can't really see anyone
In my life giving me, realistically...
Time...
Time...
Time...
I only want what I can't have...
-----
Hmm.
- I still seek and need that change... It's been a long 13 years since I wrote this original journal entry, and it still has yet to change much.
My heart seems to beat day to day.
It feels empty at times, you know?
It has so much room...
Too much room.
I do my best to fill it with my poetry, my short stories, my old journal entries.
These things are amazing, but they are of my own creation.
I need and want a powerful external love.
Someone who steals and rules my heart.
Someone who will love and adore me.
- I always seem to get so close to happiness before something weird, wild, and random yanks it away.
Maybe that happiness is just a matter of perception, and I should look around and embrace all that I already have and love.
Maybe my heart just wants love.
Why are good people so hard to find?
So many selfish, cruel people in the dating pool, you know?
- I still want a wife.
Kids.
A home and family to call my own...
I still don't see that happening, but it's okay, you know?
Such is life, and we can only take from it what we are given and do the best with what we have.
I hope you all find nothing but happiness and love, and that you don't find yourself feeling the way I do at this moment.
I will find that "love of my life" or I will not, and either way is okay!
I have you all, right?
That's enough for me.
Thank you all kindly for being here for me and reading these little tales of my past.
Thank you for being patient with me when I can't post a new chapter weekly.
Thank you for choosing my works to pour your time and energy into.
Thank you kindly, and thank you kindly again!
I will never have enough words to express how grateful I am for you all.
I will see you all back here just as soon as I can, yeah?
I will do my best to make that sooner rather than later, lbvs.
I love and appreciate you all, and I will see you all again soon, yeah?
Safe travels, folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
- Bluu.