The sound of the slap felt so loud in the silent room. Noel's palm stung, but that pain was nothing compared to what he saw on Alexei's face.
The young man stood still in his position. His expressionless face looked coldly toward Noel as if his body had been frozen by the slap. A red mark was beginning to appear on his left cheek. His eyes, which had been warm, now turned dark, unreadable.
Noel did not waste this opportunity; he pushed Alexei's body aside, and it wasn't so difficult because the young man was now in a dazed state—as if the workings of his brain had shut down. He dragged his feet toward the door, and just as his hand touched the doorknob, Noel realized what he had just done. He had slapped Alexei, his own lover. He ran from the young man like someone about to be raped. Fundamentally, it was normal for Alexei to touch him because they were lovers.
Hadn't they also made love before? Noel forgot that fact.
But was it really the same? That time he had been slightly drunk, and everything happened without him thinking. This time he was sober. And precisely because he was sober, he panicked.
"What's wrong with you?" The cold tone of Alexei's voice spread throughout his body, freezing Noel in place at the door.
Noel could hear Alexei's footsteps behind him. Slow, measured, like someone restraining themselves with all their might.
"Noel!" Alexei called, approaching Noel and stopping to stand about a meter away from the sweet-faced young man. Far enough not to intimidate, but close enough to show that he wouldn't let Noel leave without an explanation.
Noel held his breath as he turned around, his head bowed, staring at the floor where he stood. The marble felt cold, even through his shoes. The tightness in his chest made him unconsciously touch his own chest.
"I..." His throat tightened. His brain struggled to string together words to answer Alexei's question about his recent actions. But all that existed was Terenti's voice rumbling on, as if exploding his eardrums.
Was he just being used as an outlet?
Noel flinched as Alexei's hands framed his face, forcing him to look up but in a gentle way. Alexei's palms were warm—too warm for someone who had just been slapped.
"Tell me, have I done something wrong to you?"
Noel blinked, and his white face grew paler, perhaps realizing what he was feeling.
"Did you really like me before? And not like me to forget someone?" Noel asked. All those words slid out of his mouth before he could stop them. Since when had he started daring to speak honestly? Noel just said them.
Alexei's eyes widened for a few seconds, surprised. There was a flash of something in his eyes—offense? anger? hurt? Noel couldn't guess. Soon, he returned his expression to calm, even though his hands tightened at his sides along with a rumble beginning to be felt in his chest. His jaw hardened; Alexei struggled desperately to restrain himself and spoke to Noel in a gentle tone.
"How could you have such a thought?"
Noel swallowed hard, unable to respond even just by saying that person's name.
"Tell me, is something bothering you? Who?" Though gentle, his voice still trembled from restrained emotion.
Noel just shook his head again, his lips stiff and his tongue numb, unlike before.
And this time it was Alexei who asked, "You love me, don't you? You want us to always be together, don't you?" His hand touched Noel's chin, lifting his face so they could look at each other.
Noel nodded, nodded desperately. But he was honest from his heart.
"Noel, listen. Don't listen to what people say, especially if they claim to know me. I have some people who hate me, don't you as well? So whatever they say, don't easily believe it." He was serious. His hazel eyes looked straight into Noel's blue eyes, unblinking, as if wanting to absorb every inch of that face. "I love you, only you. Today, I asked you to come live here with me so you won't be lonely after coming home from work. Don't you live alone? I'm afraid someone might be targeting you. Fine, forget about working. Quit your job; I already intend to enroll you in the same university as me."
The same university as me. Noel knew exactly which university that was—Moscow State University, the oldest and most prestigious university in Russia. A place he had never dreamed of because its cost was out of reach. Alexei said it easily, like offering a cup of tea.
"Alexei!" Noel interrupted, both his hands catching Alexei's fingers that were framing his face, then gripping them tightly as they intertwined their fingers. Noel gave his sweetest smile, then shook his head gently. "I can't accept all that."
"Why?" The young man's intonation rose slightly.
"Because... I might not be able to repay it all—"
"You don't have to repay it with the same thing. Even if you don't repay it at all, it doesn't matter to me. Because... you are my beloved, Noel."
"But I—"
"Does everything I give feel like a burden to you?" Alexei interrupted again, not giving Noel the slightest chance to protest.
Only a nod was what the young man could give in return, which ended with Alexei taking a deep breath at the response from Noel's answer.
"Alright, how about this. From now on, repay what I give with your love. Promise me, you will never run away from me even if I tell you to leave."
Consciously or not, both corners of Noel's lips lifted slightly at Alexei's request. Finally, he spoke, though almost in a whisper. "I promise, wherever I go, even to the ends of the earth, in the end I will return to you. You are my axis, and my life will only revolve around you."
Alexei didn't answer with words. He just pulled Noel into his embrace, tightly, as if afraid that if he let go, Noel would vanish. And inside that embrace, Noel could feel Alexei's heart still beating fast—a sign that the young man wasn't as calm as he appeared. He closed his eyes, letting the warmth envelop him, and for a moment, he almost believed that all his fears were just imagination.
*
They arrived at Noel's house at night. The drive home felt quieter than usual. Alexei didn't talk much, his eyes focused on the increasingly empty road. Noel sat in the passenger seat, occasionally glancing sideways, but not daring to start a conversation. The red mark on Alexei's cheek had faded, but Noel could still see it—or perhaps it was just a shadow of the guilt that continued to haunt him.
Just as Noel was about to grasp the doorknob, the door was opened from inside by someone else.
"Papa!" Noel exclaimed after recognizing who had opened the door.
The middle-aged man whom Noel called father was slightly surprised, then smiled upon seeing his son's figure at the door. Sergey Baluev—tall, with blonde hair beginning to gray at the temples, his face tired but his eyes immediately lit up at the sight of his child.
"Where have you been? Papa was so worried about you," Sergey said as he pulled his son into an embrace. Understandably, nearly four months had passed since father and son had seen each other.
After returning his father's hug, Noel said, "Father doesn't need to worry, I can take care of myself just fine." After releasing the hug, Noel turned and pointed to someone standing not far behind him. "I came here with someone."
Alexei, who had been waiting outside the door, turned as Noel pulled his arm. Understanding his lover's intention even though he didn't explicitly say he wanted to introduce him directly, Alexei just followed.
The handsome young man smiled warmly and said, "Good evening, I'm Alexei."
Sergey was slightly surprised after seeing Alexei. And vice versa. Now the young man and the middle-aged man stared at each other with expressions hard to interpret. Noel caught something there—not hatred, not anger either, but more like caution. Like two people who both knew something, but didn't want to talk about it in front of him.
Noel glanced briefly back and forth at the two people before him; somehow, he began to feel an awkward aura between them. "Do you two already know each other?"
"Yes," they answered simultaneously, unintentionally. Their voices together, too fast, too reflexive. "We're friends, more precisely, my father and Mr. Baluev are friends." Alexei interjected. And Sergey Baluev nodded in response.
"Then I'll go home now." Alexei smiled and waved briefly. But Noel caught something different in the way he smiled—not the warm smile he usually saw, but a smile that was more... guarded. Like someone measuring their words.
"Don't you want to come in for a while?" Noel asked. Alexei smiled while shaking his head gently before turning away again. His steps were quick, as if in a hurry, and a few seconds later the black car drove away from the narrow street in front of their house.
Noel's father stared at the young man's back, full of mystery, his expression as if thinking about something. After Alexei's departure, Sergey put his arm around his son. "Let's go inside, it's cold out here." Noel nodded.
Inside the house, Sergey sat in the same living room chair as before—a wooden chair with a thin cushion dented by age. Noel brewed tea for both of them in the small kitchen, adding a spoonful of sugar to his father's cup as he knew his father liked it.
"He's a Tsvetkov?" Sergey asked once Noel placed the cup in front of him. His voice was flat, but there was a tone Noel couldn't recognize.
Noel nodded, sitting across from him. "Do you know him?"
Sergey didn't answer directly. He sipped his tea, letting the hot steam obscure his face for a moment. "Father knows his father."
Noel waited, but there was no further explanation. Just that. And from the way Sergey stared into the dark of the window—not at anything in particular, just into his own thoughts—Noel knew that question wouldn't be answered tonight.
"Papa will leave tomorrow morning," Sergey said finally, his voice warm again as usual. "There's business in St. Petersburg that can't be postponed."
"But you just got home," Noel protested softly.
Sergey smiled, reaching out to ruffle his son's hair. "Papa promises, next time will be longer."
Noel didn't answer. He just sipped his tea, feeling the warmth slowly fade, and hoped that promise wouldn't become one that was forgotten.