It's pinning my right hand to my right foot. I casually straighten up, ripping the kunai out of my foot but leaving it embedded in my hand. "Twenty or so made it outside, Orochimaru had Karin track them down and me take them down. Those who didn't return willingly didn't survive."
...
"What are the chances it'll happen again?" I rip the kunai out of my palm and throw it off to the side. "I want to stop a prison break. Or is it break out of a prison? Both. Definitely both. I did sorta break out of one already but that wasn't a prison."
"Uh… what?" Sasuke asks in genuine curiosity. "Who managed to capture you? You're a slimy bastard, always wiggling out of every tight situation you get caught up in."
"I didn't get captured, I surrendered. Doto was going to kill someone I needed alive if I didn't. I broke out within ten minutes, he had terrible security. Plus his torturer didn't know what she was doing and she was weird. Like really weird and I'm saying that."
"Okay how about you start from the beginning?" Sasuke bites his thumb and slams his hand on the ground. As the cloud of smoke dissipates a large vibrant red and black snake rears its head. It has to be six meters long and it's thick body is made of pure muscle.
"Sasuke-sama?" The snake says as its forked tongue flick out of its mouth to taste the air. "How may I be of service?"
"Capture him." Sasuke points at me with a smirk. "Don't bother using poison, he's immune. You'll have to physically restrain him. Any kind of illusion is out too."
"Of course." The red snake coils up on itself and rises into the air. It's intently looking at me, waiting for the opportune moment to strike.
"Beginning as in when I got to Snow or when shit started going wrong?" Two small pools of blood form in each of my palms. My hands are masked in a cloud of smoke for a brief instant, once it clears I'm holding two large balls of webbing, one in each hand. I lob the first one high in the air above the snake and it curiously tracks the innocent looking orb. Then I launch the other web ball as hard as I can at the first.
The two web balls collide and break apart above the snake. Out of the broken orbs come thousands of tiny spiders, they rain down on the snake and mercilessly attack it. There's every kind of spider imaginable and they're all moving around the scales biting into the snake's flesh to inject their poisons.
The large snake starts thrashing in agony, slamming its body into the ground and the walls in a vain attempt to crush the spiders. It rolls while hissing in pain, venom flies from its mouth involuntarily. Quickly it becomes too much for it and the snake flees in a cloud of smoke, leaving a mass of spiders where it was.
"When it all started to go wrong I guess." Sasuke flies through hand signs and his cheeks swell. He launches out a blisteringly hot fireball towards the mound of scuttling spiders. Before it can connect the spiders are replaced with a cloud of smoke, I sent them back.
"Hm. That would be in the ship's cargo hold, the one I took to get to Snow." I send my own wave of fire at Sasuke, scorching the ground itself as it rages towards him. I'm rewarded with a blackened log. "How the hell do you always find logs in out of place areas? Whatever, not important. So basically I was putting the cargo in seals for the Captain to earn my passage and guess who decided to attack me?"
~He's hiding off to your left on the ceiling behind a stalactite.~
"Anko, Shikamaru and Ino of all people." I fly through hand signs for False Darkness and let it rip. The lightning streaks out of my mouth and straight through the stalactite moments after a blur drops from the ceiling. "Dammit. I hoped I'd get you with that."
"And how is she?" Sasuke casually asks but I can sense a hint of eagerness in his voice. But that eagerness is overshadowed by the sound of a thousand birds chirping. "Chidori Senbon! Dodge that!"
Countless senbon of pure electricity launch themselves at me with no hope of dodging. The spread is far too great, going left or right or even upwards is still going to get me impaled.
"Okay." I casually say as I twist my entire body around and the earth beneath me softens and I sink into it. All of the deadly senbon fly over me but I don't stop there. While underground I push out my earth heart and give it a bunch of tags. A bunch of explosive tags to be more precise. Then once the barrage of senbon halts I have the monster push me back topside. "You really should plan for something like that to happen. I have at least two other ways to stop that and that's after only a moment's consideration. Lightning may trump earth but that's only if I use a wall to stop it. Hell give me one minute and I bet I can come up with more."
"I knew you could stop it." Sasuke has moved positions since I was topside. "I just needed to lock you down for a moment. I wanted my sword back." Sure enough he's holding the blade again.
"You played me." I accuse him and he chuckles to himself. Or to piss me off, I wouldn't put it past him. "Back to your question though. Ino is… well it's complicated."
"Complicated how?" Sasuke's good mood lessen slightly.
"Complicated enough for it's own conversation, we can talk about that more in depth after I tell you everything else that happened. Deal?"
"Deal." Sasuke readily agrees. "So you bumped into Anko, Shikamaru and Ino?"
"Yep. We scuffled in the ship and I attempted to bail. Made it past them and onto the deck then Naruto and Kakashi were there. Ended up throwing Naruto into the water, Shikamaru caught me in his shadows and then blackmailed me to help them on their mission before I broke out of them."
"He blackmailed you?" Sasuke asks in surprise. "How'd he do that? I can't do that."
"I owed him a favor. Remember the Rookie Nine vs ANBU?"
"Ah. Continue."
"So I was forced to help. After a couple days journey we made it to Snow, a stupid movie Director made us shoot a scene on an iceberg where we confronted the most ridiculously stupid shinobi ever. They cut holes into their hats. Holes. Moving on! Shit went down, I made sure the Princess stayed alive - oh that was the mission they were on, keeping the Princess alive - and we fled back to the ship. Some dumbass used a narwhal jutsu, Kakashi mimicked it and we made our escape."
"You're leaving a lot of details out." Sasuke points out.
"Yeah most of it was boring or the Konoha shinobi trying to convince me to go back to Konoha. Add a dash of trying to get me to talk about Orochimaru and Oto on top and you got the whole trip in a nutshell."
"Fun." Sasuke sarcastically says.
"Loads." I match his tone. "Then we made it to the mainland, they staged an intervention with me, I didn't take it well and actually bolted for real but hung around to keep my word to Shikamaru, Princess ran away from them and I tailed her, Sureddo started messing with my mind to fix me by using Tsunade's and Orochimaru's voices and boy did that convince me I was insane! Then Naruto found Koyuki the Princess, brought her back to the group but bumped into Doto's train before they got there, a bunch of rebels picked this moment to attack the train and Doto used a bunch of mounted Kunai launchers to kill them all. I had a massive change of heart and saved everyone, then the Konoha group saved me cuz I used all my chakra to save the rebels, and we had a nice sappy reunion moment."
"The next day Koyuki goes and gets herself kidnapped on a blimp and I'm the only one who could follow her on it so I did, killed a few people, found Koyuki and Doto and exchanged some words with them, Doto forced me to surrender or he'd kill Koyuki, I jailbroke us both, killed Doto with a pebble which was fucking hilarious by the way, claimed my armor which was the real reason I went there, then protected Koyuki for a couple more days because I had time to kill. Also stole a key off of her that I thought lead to a superweapon but it turned out to be a giant heater so I had to break it. Then I came back here. That's it in a very, very, simplified version."
"Wow." Sasuke is staring at me in bewilderment. "Maybe it's just you that has the bad luck, I mean I had to deal with a jailbreak but it was easy. Nothing else went wrong while you were gone."
"I am forever cursed by the luck gods." I hang my head in shame. "I have no idea how I pissed them off but apparently what I did is unforgivable. They throw heaping mounds of bad luck my way then give me just enough good luck to make it out so they can continue to torture my poor soul."
...
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