THE SMILE on Gu Mang's face froze. Something stirred faintly in the depths of his blue eyes, but only for the instant it took that apathetic smile to return. He looked down at Mo Xi's handsome face, at this man who currently resembled nothing so much as a dog betrayed by its master or a cat whose tail had been trod on; sorrow and wounded pride merged on that bone-white face. Tears gathered in Mo Xi's eyes, but he still stubbornly held on, gritting his white teeth as he stared back at Gu Mang with a fierce arrogance.
"So what if I did. I'm not like you—I can't be so careless toward everything."
Gu Mang paused, then burst into laughter. "Look at you—and to think you looked down on Wuyan. Aren't you the same? She insisted on forcing it, and you insist on believing it."
The tendons on Mo Xi's pale hands were pushing through the skin, but Gu Mang acted like he hadn't noticed. "There's really very little difference between you. Both of you think what you gave wasn't reciprocated, and spent so many years stewing in resentment—"
But he didn't get to finish. "Gu Mang," Mo Xi cut in, pinning him with a stare. "Are you being serious right now?"
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"You think I resented and hated you all these years because what I gave wasn't reciprocated?!"
Gu Mang looked into the flickering depths of Mo Xi's eyes and almost felt sorrow. But after a beat, all he said was, "Why else?"
Mo Xi closed his eyes. "If I hated you for that, why would I have bothered begging you to turn back at Dongting Lake… Why would I have bothered keeping your soldiers, or hoped you wouldn't go to the Liao Kingdom—if I were only upset because you never truly loved me, do you think you could still stand before me and say these things now?"
Long-suppressed emotions ripped a hole in Mo Xi's facade of calmness. He finally erupted. "If that were my grievance, I've had plenty of opportunities to vent my discontent. I could have taken you by force, humiliated you, poisoned or drugged you. Yet I've done none of those things; do you think it's because I don't know how?! I saw you as my comrade, my friend, my…"
My beloved. My god.
What I hate is your betrayal, and the way you changed. You didn't just abandon me—you abandoned your brothers, your dream, your fathomless glory.
You abandoned the man you used to be.
Mo Xi's eyes were red-rimmed. "Had you chosen any other path, I wouldn't have blamed you, even if you had nothing more to do with me for the rest of your life. Gu Mang—back then, you nearly ripped out my heart."
Gu Mang's hands shook slightly.
Mo Xi looked up at him, black eyes dull as a starless night. As he gave voice to the emotions trapped in his breast for too long, he rasped, "Couldn't you see?"
For a while, Gu Mang couldn't speak. Those dark eyes hurt too much to look at. Gu Mang remembered the first time he encountered them, back when they looked nothing like this.
The first time he saw Mo Xi, he was standing beneath one of the academy's osmanthus trees, his gold-trimmed black robes embroidered with the soaring snake emblem. His high ponytail was bound with gold ribbon, and a jade bow rested in the crook of his arm as he sighted a distant target. The wind rose and set his sleeves to fluttering. Sensing someone's eyes on him, Mo Xi turned back and glanced at Gu Mang.
Those eyes were like deep, still waters, clear and bright as an ethereal lake. His gaze held little emotion; it casually slid away from Gu Mang.
After that, Gu Mang encountered him again and again at the academy. He saw him sitting alone on the stone steps reading a book, then eating alone leaning against a tree. He saw him leaving the academy's cultivation practice field, walking with his ribbon in his mouth as he gathered his hair into a ponytail, his pale, slender neck emerging from sweat-soaked robes.
He was always alone.
"The young master of the Mo Clan is so arrogant."
"Who cares how powerful his spiritual energy is? He still has no friends."
"You should hear the headmaster go on about him—how he's so talented and hardworking. I heard, ever since he entered the academy, he practices at the archery range every day until the hour of hai, long after dark. Heh, who does he think he's putting on a show for?"
Gu Mang had heard the same sentiment many times by now. Long before Mo Xi knew Gu Mang, Gu Mang was well aware of the name Mo Xi. He was the subject of whispered discussions in the academy and his lord Murong Lian's mockery; without intending to, Gu Mang had inadvertently learned a great deal.
Among noble young masters, bad tempers, arrogant natures, phony reputations, and reckless ambitions were only too common. Gu Mang assumed Mo Xi had no one to blame but himself and didn't think too kindly of him either.
So it went until the day Gu Mang passed by the fields and saw two of the academy slaves kneeling before Mo Xi. The holy weapon Shuairan crackled in his grip. Gu Mang saw a young master using his status to bully slaves and was about to speak up for them when he heard one of the slaves sniveling through tears as he kowtowed. "Mogongzi! Mo-gongzi, we're sorry! W-we didn't steal your money pouch on purpose, it's just…it's just…"
The thin, sickly-looking girl beside him cried, "It's just that we're starving. We offended Murong-gongzi a few days back, so the head housekeeper cut our rations… My brother w-was afraid that I might fall ill from hunger, and you're a-always alone…that's why we had the guts t-to try…try and steal your…"
Mo Xi stared at this pair of siblings. Slowly, the red light of the whip Shuairan dimmed to nothing in his hand. Head lowered, he took his money bag from his qiankun pouch and left it on the stone steps. Then he turned to leave.
Watching this play out from a distance, Gu Mang was stunned. Because of what Hua Po'an had done, the disciples of the cultivation academy were forbidden from interacting with any slaves not their own—and they most certainly weren't allowed to help them. That was the greatest taboo at the academy. But Mo Xi had acted instantly and silently, with no expectation of reciprocity. As if what he'd done was natural.
Back then, Gu Mang had felt something he couldn't put into words as he watched the little lord's fluttering silhouette recede. But he still wouldn't have paid any special attention to Mo Xi had things ended there. What truly surprised Gu Mang was the news that spread like wildfire through the academy a few days later: the darling of the heavens Mo Xi had been whipped in punishment for violating academy rules.
"So even he can't escape punishment, huh?"
"He thinks he's better than the rest of us. This whipping will finally knock him down a peg!"
"I heard it's because he gave his money pouch to a pair of slave siblings; everyone knows that's against the rules. Usually he's faking diligence, but I guess now he's faking kindness. What a hypocrite."
Gu Mang felt something entirely different in his heart as he listened to the crowd pass judgment on Mo Xi.
When he returned to his room, he heard Murong Lian's unbridled laughter from the courtyard. "That Mo asshole is such an idiot! They were just faking it to trick him—I really didn't expect him to take the bait so easily, ha ha ha ha!"
"My lord is so clever and wise. Mo Xi doesn't stand a chance!"
"Hmph! No matter how strong his magic is, he won't be nominated for the outstanding student award after breaking the academy's greatest taboo. He thinks he's a match for me?" Murong Lian snickered. "He's ten years too early."
Only then did Gu Mang realize the case of the "starving" slave siblings had been completely orchestrated by Murong Lian to frame his rival. After those siblings took Mo Xi's money pouch and cowrie shells, they turned around and brought them straight to Murong Lian, who filed a complaint with the academy's discipline elder. Mo Xi, he claimed, had openly defied the academy's rules and secretly consorted with slaves.
Mo Xi was the only son of the Mo Clan. He would escape severe punishment, but he had still violated the academy's greatest taboo. By no coincidence, the discipline elder was a friend of Wangshu-jun's family; of course he favored Murong Lian. Thus, Mo Xi was whipped.
At the time, Gu Mang had belonged to Murong Lian; he and Mo Xi had no connection whatsoever. Yet this young master's actions had left him stunned; slowly, he found himself caring for this Mo-gongzi whom he didn't know. He couldn't say anything to Mo Xi, much less visit him or make his sympathies known. But that incident planted the seed of affection in his heart.
Destiny determined all, and those fated to meet never escaped its pull. A few days later, Gu Mang was walking down one of the academy's tree-lined paths. The jade-green lawn was deserted save for a youth sitting alone against a birch tree.
Mo Xi sat in shady silence, nibbling on a zongzi and absorbed in a bamboo scroll spread over his knees. That pale cheek like fresh snow still bore a whip's scar from his punishment, but he didn't seem to mind. Mo Xi's lowered lashes were still so thick, his gaze still so clear, free of resentment. A ripple spread through Gu Mang's heart—he thought this young master was beautiful beyond compare.
He stood behind a tree for a moment, gazing at that lonely, elegant figure from afar. At last, Mo Xi noticed this overly intent gaze and looked up from his scroll. Their eyes met.
Gu Mang stared in silence.
Mo Xi stared back in confusion.
This was the first time Gu Mang met those ink-dark eyes. His palms were a little sweaty. He'd always been a cheerful person, but for some reason, he felt anxious. Part of him wanted to smile at Mo Xi, but another part didn't know what to do.
At that moment, Lu Zhanxing happened to pass by. Spotting Gu Mang, he waved and shouted, "Mang-er! What are you standing there for?"
Gu Mang turned to answer, breaking away from Mo Xi's gaze and striding off into the distance.
The noble Mo-gongzi surely hadn't recognized this nameless little nobody. He probably didn't remember their first meeting on that tree-lined path. But Gu Mang remembered. Those eyes like black jade… In his mind's eye, they were pristine, containing a purity he wanted to protect with all his heart.
In the present, Gu Mang sighed, looking into those eyes so close to him in the thatched hut. They held hate, resentment, pain, dissatisfaction; stubbornness and ruthlessness flashed in their depths. But Gu Mang remembered: the first time he saw Mo Xi, all they held was a solemn integrity.
In the end, this was what they had become.
Gu Mang turned away. He was afraid if he kept looking he wouldn't be able to stop himself from saying certain things. The heart where his core had shattered was already aching.
In the silence of the hut, Mo Xi murmured, "Gu Mang. Wouldn't it be nice if all I wanted was to have you? Things would be so much simpler if that were the case."
Gu Mang didn't answer him.
"But what I wanted was for you to come back."
There was nothing Gu Mang could say. He sat down on the pile of straw, sinking softly into its depths. With a long sigh, he leaned back, staring blankly at the ceiling.
He knew he needed to maintain boundaries with Mo Xi. Mo Xi was his poison, one that was deadly and without an antidote. He strove to build a wall between himself and Mo Xi, but the moment he saw those frustrated, sorrowful, heartbroken eyes, his hands would shake as he tried to lay down the bricks.
He very, very much wanted to leave this small, thatched hut. Other than the straw, all he could smell was Mo Xi's faint scent. He wore a cold and hard mask, but he didn't know how long he could keep it on in front of Mo Xi. In the end, Gu Mang sprang to his feet. He dusted the straw from his clothes, walked to the doorway, and peeked out through a crack in the curtain.
The bat demons outside were still looking for partners. It was a chaotic scene, definitely a poor time to leave. He could do nothing but sit back down next to Mo Xi and stare into space with his chin in his hand. He didn't plan to keep hurting Mo Xi; that would only hurt him too. But they couldn't just sit here like this either. Gu Mang changed the subject: "Where's Yue Chenqing's life crystal?"
"In my qiankun pouch."
"Take it out, let's have a look."
After a moment, Mo Xi fished out the stone, inlaid with swirls of agate. It shone brightly, its gleam growing more resplendent as they watched. Gu Mang took it into his own palm and examined it a while, then returned it to Mo Xi. "Looks like everything is going smoothly on Jiang-xiong's side. There's no rush to leave then. Let's wait until those bat demons are in the huts. It's too busy outside."
Mo Xi ignored him. After his outburst, he had sunk into this wordless silence. Gu Mang knew he must have truly hurt him. Of course Gu Mang knew what he'd said was absurd—how could Mo Xi be the same as Wuyan? They really had come together so passionately, so desperately. He had slept with Mo Xi enthusiastically, yet now he was criticizing Mo Xi for making a big deal of it. He had so clearly seen Mo Xi's attempts to protect him, Mo Xi's despair, Mo Xi's willingness to sacrifice his life to make him turn back…
Yet in their current circumstances, what could he do but make Mo Xi hate him, make him leave him? Mo Xi's heart was soft. He was a man of upright character, and while he might have looked ruthless and cold, Gu Mang knew he was kinder than anyone.
This kindness was like the aid he offered those academy slaves— it too easily became a weapon others used against him. Since Gu Mang had already chosen this path, he didn't need Mo Xi's pity, indignance, or dissatisfaction, and he especially didn't need the slightest hint of his love. He only needed Mo Xi to hate him completely.
But when he was so close to him, breathing in his familiar scent, Gu Mang felt the same disquiet he had in the past. He knew distinctly what he had to do, yet he couldn't stop himself from clinging to one pitiful scrap of delusion—that everything could still be changed, that he could still get as close to him as before, like a moth flying into flame. A delusion that he could still hold this man, lose himself in him… That he could use the excuse of momentary passion to say I love you one last time without hesitation.
How nice that would be indeed.
They sat on the straw, each lost in their own thoughts as they waited for the bat demons to find their mates and disperse. Suddenly, a pair of embracing bat demons staggered past the hut, breaking the silence. Through the hanging bamboo curtain, Mo Xi and Gu Mang could see them kissing as if they were glued together and hear their flirtatious giggling.
"Stop rushing me, won't you?"
"We're gathering vital energy for Her Majesty, aren't we in a rush?"
The female demon's laughter was muffled by more kisses. "Mmph… You're just using Her Majesty as an excuse. Don't you want to…"
The following words were drowned out by heavy panting.
Gu Mang couldn't resist shooting a glance at Mo Xi, who noticed and turned his face aside. Just as Gu Mang thought Mo Xi would continue feigning deafness, Mo Xi asked without preamble, "What does gathering vital energy for Her Majesty mean?"
"Oh," Gu Mang replied. "I think Wuyan can absorb the spiritual energy produced by the bat demons when they copulate. It's probably a unique trait of the fire bat tribe."
Mo Xi didn't make a sound, but from what Gu Mang could see of his side profile, it looked like he was mouthing Ridiculous.
"Fire bats are promiscuous by nature; it's not so strange," Gu Mang said. "Once they've entered their nests, we'll leave."
That pair of lovebird bats were still kissing hungrily outside the curtain, their passion palpable even from their silhouettes. But when they tried to push the curtain aside to enter, the male bat stopped. "Aiya, this one's taken."
The female bat's voice was soft as flowing silk. "The one next door's empty. Let's go there."
The two bats stumbled into the hut next door. Just as Mo Xi breathed a sigh of relief, they heard a thump through the wall beside them. The two bats were pressed against the wall of their hut, just a few feet away—now, the sound of their coupling echoed even louder in Gu Mang and Mo Xi's ears.
"Ah…not so fast… S-slow down…"
Mo Xi's face instantly darkened.