"Oh, bloody hell. Look at this. Another terrorist attack." I heard my dad comment loudly from the lounge room couch as I was in the kitchen eating a sandwich.
"Prayers to their families." Nadia commented softly as I slid the plate over to Linda and thanked her for the sandwich before gulping down the rest of my water and leaving the kitchen.
"Why am I not surprised it's another Muslim?" My dad scoffed and my steps halted, my fists clenching as I turned around to look at him, narrowing my eyes at the back of his head.
"Maybe because the media doesn't want you to be surprised!?" I seethed as I walked closer to him and stood a few meters away, blocking his view of the TV.
"Shut up, King. The media is just spreading news as they should. You want them to hide an attack that took 21 innocent lives!?" He shouted back. Through my peripheral vision I could see Nadia take an intake of breath, clearly preparing herself for the argument about to ensue.
"What about all the Muslim lives killed by our people?!
Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Palestine, Syria ... the list goes on! Millions of lives lost for no damn reason besides hostility towards Muslims and bloody oil!" I shouted, my jaw clenching as I watched him release a laugh and scoff.
"And that makes it okay for them to kill our people, does it!?" He said with a grimace, making a hand movement to make me move from in front of the TV. I obviously didn't.
"If that's what you took from what I just said, then you're dumber than I thought." I spat. "Terrorists come in all colours and religions."
"Yeah, but none kill in the name of a religion. Their holy book tells them to slaughter infidels [non-Muslims] wherever they see them!" He said, narrowing his eyes at me as I was obstructing his view of the TV.
I remember reading that verse. I also remember reading the tafsir.
"That verse was revealed in the time of war 1400 years ago! Even so, it says if there is a mutual treaty then do not harm them! It says if they kill one of you, then an eye for an eye, yet still it says that forgiveness is better in the eyes of God! It says killing one innocent soul is like killing the whole of humanity! It says that their God does not forbid them from treating non Muslims kindly if they do not harm them or expel them from their homes and their land! Do you have any idea how many people that the Muslims captured in war converted to Islam during the prophets , times because of the kind treatment they received? The Muslims would feed their prisoners before they fed themselves and sometimes go hungry just to let them eat the food they had!You know nothing! "
His eyes widened as I shouted. He watched me in silence for a few seconds, his eyes running wild before he narrowed his brows. "Where the hell have you been going these past weeks?" He asked me and with that the erratic rise and fall of my chest halted as I held my breath, realizing my outburst. Crap.
I had actually just lost it on my dad and defended Muslims.
"That's none of your damn business." I seethed finally, not wanting to be in the room any longer. I stormed out of the house and left to the one place that I knew would make me feel at ease at a time like this.
"King?" A questioning voice was heard as I was sitting on the very corner of the masjid reading a book called Diseases of the Heart and their Cures, by Ibn Taymiyyah. "You alright, mate?"
I looked up, seeing Ayman walk towards me with a raised eyebrow. He had on a thawb which he normally didn't wear, and perhaps I understood why. He was massive. Built, just like Jackson was and the sleeves of his thawb looked about ready to rip apart from his biceps.
"Yeah, I'm good." I nodded and he asked if I would mind while gesturing to the floor. I shook my head in answer and he sat down, leaning his back against the wall, one of his knees bent and the other leg extended in front of him.
"So, what are you thinking?" Ayman asked as he leaned his head against the wall, glancing at me.
"About?"
"Come on," He chuckled. "You know exactly what I'm talking about." He smirked at me and I shook my head with a chuckle, doggy-eating the page I was reading before putting the book on the floor and crossing my arms over my chest with a shrug.
"I'm not sure. I'm affected by it, of course. Otherwise I wouldn't come here as much as I do. Bloody, I spend more time here than the imam." I joked and he laughed along with me.
"So you believe there's a God now?" He asked me.
"I always had the belief of a higher power, I just never prioritized religion. So yeah, I do." I answered him and he nodded slowly.
"What's holding you back?" He asked me.
"I don't know. I still feel like it's early, I guess. It's been like two months since I first came here. I need more time. I'm just waiting for ... I don't know, I'm just waiting for the day I see something or read something and in that moment I'm going to be like wow. This is it. This is what I want. You know?" I said, surprising myself by how much I was opening up to Ayman. I knew him, but not as much as I did Ahmad and Walter and so to be so open with someone was refreshing.
"You're waiting for a sign?" He guessed. I shrugged. "Something like that."
I knew, from all the revert stories I had read and watched and heard of, that most people had never gotten a sign' per say, but what I was referring to wasn't so much a miracle or anything. I was just waiting for the thing that made me step over the curb and accept wanting to be a Muslim 100%.
"Have you told your parents? Siblings?" He asked.
"I don't have siblings. I couldn't care less if my dad was dead and my mum is mentally ill so she wouldn't understand."
"SubhanAllah." Ayman said, reaching his arm over and tapping my shoulder. "I'm sorry to hear that, bro. You've always got us guys as brothers, regardless of whether you become a Muslim inshaaAllah or not. Like if ever you need something, whatever it is, small or big, these doors are always open and you're always welcome." He said to me seriously.
I smiled, tapping his arm as I nodded. "I know, mate. I appreciate it." I said and he bobbed his head as he sighed.
"What about you? Siblings?" I asked, wanting the conversation turned away from me.
"Yeah," He smiled. "I've only got a younger sister." He said. "Muslims generally have more than two kids though. My dad's got eight siblings, bruv." He said and I laughed as he shook his head with a smile.
"Their house must've been hectic." I muttered, not being able to imagine living in a house with 8 other children.
"Exactly, and imagine that number went to 16 as soon as they were all married and now there's like 25 grandchildren ... " He trailed off, rolling his eyes. "It's fun." He breathed with a forced laugh making me laugh even louder.
"Ayman?" I spoke, ending the conversation.
My mind was reeling with a few questions and so I couldn't really focus on what he was saying. While I had him here I might as well get my answer.
"Sup, bro?" He asked, giving me a nod, a gesture that meant 'go on, I'm listening'. He clearly understood just by the tone of my voice that I had a question.
"Tell me about terrorism in Islam. Why are all these people blowing themselves up and killing others? Don't get me wrong, I know now Muslims aren't like that, but like ... "
"I get you." He cut me off. "I asked myself the same question when it first started. It even led to me doubting my faith, astaghfirullah. In the end though, the only thing I realized is that I was only asking these questions and doubting my faith because I had no knowledge of my deen. My sister actually helped and taught me when I told her how I was feeling."
"What did she teach you? Teach me." I told him, so damn curious to find out. Knowledge was power and maybe this way I'd be able to argue with my dad in a more civilized way.
"Bismillah. To begin with, Islam isn't a peaceful religion in the sense of, you know Christians always use the biblical verse If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. Islam is a religion of equality and justice. If someone slaps you, you have a right to slap them back and nothing more. An eye for an eye. If someone is attacking you, you have a right to fight back and defend yourself. If an army is attacking your land, you are permitted to kill them and fight for your right, in basic terms, in the situation of a war.
However, besides all of that, if my neighbor is a disbeliever, nowhere in the Quran or in hadith does it say to kill them or fight them. The Prophet " never did so, nor did the righteous companions. In fact, the Qur'an states in chapter five verse 42; [They are] avid listeners to falsehood, devourers of [what is] unlawful. So if they come to you, [O Muhammad], judge between them or turn away from them. And if you turn away from them - never will they harm you at all. And if you judge, judge between them with justice. Indeed, Allah loves those who act justly.
Again in chapter 60 verse eight to nine; Allah does not forbid you from those who do not fight you because of religion and do not expel you from your homes - from being righteous toward them and acting justly toward them. Indeed, Allah loves those who act justly. It is only as regards those who fought against you on account of religion, and have driven you out of your homes, and helped to drive you out, that Allah forbids you to befriend them. And whosoever will befriend them, then such are the Zalimoon (wrong-doers those who disobey Allah).
Sheikh Ibn Uthaymeen said in his tafsir of this ayah With regard to non-Muslims, there is nothing wrong with treating them kindly on condition that they are not among those who are fighting us because of our religion or seeking to drive us from our homes ... " he cleared his throat and took a drink of water.
My heart was already feeling at ease and the slight doubts in my head we're already fleeing.
"In fact, what most islamophobes don't realize is that we're rewarded for treating everyone kindly, not only Muslims and that not treating disbelievers kindly for no just reason is a sin. Even something as small as charity yeah, Allah, may He be exalted, stated that one of the attributes of the righteous, who are the people of Paradise, is And they give food, in spite of their love for it (or for the love of Him), to Miskin (poor), the orphan, and the captive -76:8 and captives during the time when this ayah was revealed were non Muslims and this is said even in tafsir at-Tabari which is the most classical, oldest known and recorded tafsir of the Quran.
"Okay so what if they cuss at you and stuff?" I asked.
"And argue not with the people of the Scripture, unless it be in (a way) that is better (with good words and in good manner, inviting them to Islamic Monotheism with His Verses), except with such of them as do wrong 29:46 and in Surah furqan verse 63 And the servants of the Most Merciful are those who walk upon the earth easily, and when the ignorant address them [harshly], they say [words of] peace."
"You know how there's this whole thing about Muslims coming here from the Middle East and blowing themselves up, for one, suicide in all aspects is haram, completely forbidden. It's impermissible. You can't do it. Even in the time of war non combatants are impermissible to kill for no reason. It's haram to destroy churches and temples etc. So they've failed from the get go. I don't know where they think they're going or how they're pleasing Allah by dying by disobeying him when there's a Hadith that says you will be resurrected the way you've died, but anyways. As Muslims we give importance to treaties and contracts.
They're promises and promises are an obligation to keep. So it's obligatory upon u Muslims to honor treaties or agreements made, even if it's with non-Muslims. If a Muslim has agreed to their conditions when seeking permission to enter the country with visa and has promised to adhere to that, then it is not permissible for him to commit mischief in the land anyway, or to betray anyone, to steal, to kill or to do any destructive action, and so on. It's haram. So none of this bs you see online in any way goes hand in hand with Islam, it's actually the opposite. It's disobeying and angering Allah."
"What about that tax thing people say? Is it true that non Muslims living in Muslim land are required to pay tax that Muslims don't?" I asked. 3
"Yes." He answered.
"Why?" I countered.
"That ensures their safety. It's like rent also. Because the land is governed and taken care of by Muslim leaders so they like pay to live there. But what non Muslims don't know is that non Muslims weren't required to give in charity when the Muslims would do so, they weren't required to partake in labor of building masjids or whatever else. In a case of war, Muslims were obliged to go and fight to protect their land and the people in it, including the non Muslims, that's what the lesser jihad is, but the non Muslims were not forced to take part in Jihad.
The greater Jihad is Jihad against the nafs. Your souls and whispers from the devil. Fighting yourself to avoid sin and trying to control your desires. Anyway, Do you understand? So say you're living in my house paying rent and say we're at war with the neighbors across from us, I'm required to protect you and you can sit at home all day, but you still pay me rent cause it's my house."
"That was a stupid analogy." I said and after a few awkward seconds we both began laughing loudly. "Okay, it was. But you get me, yeah?" I nodded. "Yeah I understand." I chuckled. "Makes sense."
"Oh, and not only are Muslims required to protect the non Muslims living in their land from other people, but also from themselves. They're not allowed to let anyone destroy the churches and that. They weren't allowed to help build them either. But disbelievers were able to engage in their own worship and build churches and what not for themselves. So basically they can't harm or allow anyone to harm them in any way. It was recorded in Bukhari the most trusted Hadith collection that Abdullah ibn 'Amr (may Allah be pleased with him) said that the Prophet , said: Whoever kills a mu'aahid (a non-Muslim living under Muslim rule) will not smell the fragrance of Paradise, although its fragrance may be detected from a distance of forty years. And he also said; If anyone wrongs a mu'aahid, detracts from his rights, burdens him with more work than he is able to do or takes something from him without his consent, I will plead for him (the mu'aahid) on the Day of Resurrection. SubhanAllah." He spoke.
"You know, in the end, a lot of the media's terrorism idea is that supposedly Muslims are required to force people to become Muslims and if they don't, then we kill them. That's the biggest lie ever because one, Allah says in the Qur'an There shall be no compulsion in [acceptance of] the religion. The right course has become clear from the wrong. - 2:256 and two, simply because if Islam doesn't come from the heart, it won't be accepted anyway we can only call to Islam to help people attain salvation and Allah tells us to do this in a specific way. He says; Invite to the way of your Lord with wisdom and good instruction, and argue with them in a way that is best. Indeed, your Lord is most knowing of who has strayed from His way, and He is most knowing of who is [rightly] guided. 16:125"
"Thanks, man." I said with a small smile. "I appreciate it."
"Any more questions?" He asked me. "Nah, I'm good. I've understood it all now." I replied.
"You're welcome then, mate. Anytime." He smiled back at me and just like that we were back to having a general conversation about soccer and all other things.
.... Three Months Later ....
"I'm going out, Linda. Please tell my dad and Nadia I won't be here for dinner." I called out as I poked my head into the kitchen. Linda smiled at me and nodded her head quickly and I walked to the front door, putting on my shoes and tying the laces before stepping out and calling Ahmad's phone.
"As salamu alaykum, brother." He answered on the first ring, his voice sounding as enthusiastic as ever. I always wondered whether Ahmad ever got sad over anything. Masha Allah, he was always so happy and smiling at everyone as if he had no worries and his life was picture perfect. But I didn't know. If there was one thing I stopped doing after beginning this journey to Islam, it was assuming things about others. Never judge a book by its cover. Ahmad, Muslims in general were so strong. They strive to make their hearts dejected from the world and only attached to the after life, hence when they go through things, they know it is only temporary and no matter how much it hurts them, they have complete faith in Allah that something better is to come.
'Indeed, with hardship will be ease.'94:6
They don't need to share their problems with anyone. It isn't like christians where you confess your sins to a priest. Their sins are only between themselves and Allah. They repent to Allah. They seek forgiveness. And Allah always forgives.
Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful." 39:53
"Wa alaykum salam." I answered his greeting. "How far are you?" I asked him as I walked out of the gates and leaned against the brick wall, shoving my spare hand into my pocket. Ahmad was the only one who would greet me with salam even though I hadn't officially taken my shahada yet. He said he already felt like I was his brother. I didn't mind of course. I liked it. In fact, I couldn't wait until everyone could freely greet me with peace once I did actually become a Muslim.
The first time he had said it was while they were sitting in a youth group two months ago and I was shocked. I stayed silent, not knowing how to pronounce the words I knew properly and so I didn't say anything. I suppose the guys thought I didn't like it and so no one else said it to me after that day.
"I see you." He replied with a laugh and I pushed myself off the wall, turning my head to see his old, rustic car coming towards me, a smirk on his face as I rolled my eyes and ended the call, pulling the door open once he stopped in front of me.
"I still don't understand why we come to pick you up when you've got like five men waiting around to drive you places." He muttered as he looked at the two drivers and three bodyguards standing inside the gates.
"Only two of them are drivers." I said with a shrug and clicked in my seatbelt as he pulled onto the road. We took the familiar path to the local soccer field where we were going to have a game just for the fun of it with the boys.
"So, are you feeling nervous?" He asked me, and without him having to go into further detail, I knew he was talking about my shahada session that was happening tomorrow rather than the soccer match. The side of my lip tugged upwards a little as I exhaled, wetting my lips. "Not much. Probably hasn't kicked in yet." I said with a shrug as I felt my palms begin to sweat. I wasn't too nervous in general, but I wasn't going to lie, whenever it came to my mind, or when the conversation opened like Ahmad had just done, I got nervous. Not scared , nervous, but more excited one I guess.
The past four months of my life were the best four months of my life. No doubt.
Delving deeper and deeper into Islam every single day just seemed to take away all my worries and all my stress and the only time I truly found solace and serenity was when I was reading books about Islam and gaining more and more information. Anything and everything about Islam. It was a drastic change. Going from someone who used to party every weekend, sometimes even weekdays, have sex with every girl I set eyes on, drink to a point of not remembering not only the night before but forgetting all events that week, smoking at least one packetof cigarettes a day, swearing and cussing at everything that annoyed me ....
Now? I was better. I felt better.
I felt happy. Truly happy. I came to realize soon after first meeting Ahmad that none of those things I used to do in order to make myself 'happy' ever did actually make me happy. They were all a means of escape from my life, a way to fill in and waste boring hours of my day when I had nothing better to do, but none of it was making me happy.
I had not drank a drop of alcohol for two and a half months, never had sex with a girl since that last time I slept with Helena, haven't sworn at my dad in about three weeks which was an accomplishment and I hadn't even been near drugs for over three months.
At school I hung out alone. Jackson, Peter and Tyler drifted from me over time and now the only communication we had was a mere nod at each other when we would pass by in the hallway or when we would make awkward small talk in GYM class.
During breaks I would go to the bike garage of the school where no one hung out and listen to chapters of the Qur'an. One of my favorites to listen to was Surah ad-Duhaa which I made sure I listened to at least twice a day.
I had even memorized it from listening to it constantly. The chapter was revealed when the prophet hadn't received any revelation for quite some time and he started to feel saddened that His lord had forgotten him or that he had made a mistake and so Allah revealed Surah Duha during the prophets' time of distress.
1. By the morning brightness
2. And [by] the night when it covers with darkness, Your Lord has not taken leave of you, [O Muhammad], nor has He detested [you].
3. And the Hereafter is better for you than the first [life].
4. And your Lord is going to give you, and you will be satisfied.
5. Did He not find you an orphan and give [you] refuge?
6. And He found you lost and guided [you], And He found you poor and made [you] self-sufficient.
7. So as for the orphan, do not oppress [him].
8. And as for the petitioner, do not repel [him].
9. But as for the favor of your Lord, report [it].
People around me had obviously noticed the change in me. Rumors spread around the school very quickly, but they didn't affect me. People were saying how I was in depression, my mum had died, I had gotten cancer, Jackson and I had a massive fight and my personal favorite, I had found a secret girlfriend who had changed me.
The thought brought me back to the girl from the masjid. Every time she entered my mind, I tried to think of something else. It wasn't right of me to be thinking of someone else's sister or daughter no matter how clean my thoughts were. I never ever thought of her in an explicit or crude way. Her eyes just affected my heart like no one had ever before ... but still, it was wrong of me.
I hadn't seen her after the day I beat the guy who was verbally assaulting her. I really only went to the masjid when it was the weekly youth class for boys so girls weren't around at that time. I would save up all my questions I found within the week on my phone, and after the lesson the imam would go through the answers with me, Alhamdulillah.
Not one question left without an answer. I never got the sign I was waiting for. But a week ago when I had visited my mum, she told me she liked the new me even though I was always kind to her and showed her how much I loved her. She was the only one who didn't know about my old lifestyle because she was locked up in her own world in the hospital, yet even so, she managed to tell the difference. And she said she liked it. She hadn't told me she loved me in years, but if that was as close as I would get, I'd take it.
Yesterday night, I messaged the imam that I thought I was ready. He said he would call me in five minutes to help me take my shahada right then and there but I told him I want it to be on jummah which was tomorrow. He did encourage me to do it as soon as possible, mentioning that I could die any minute,
but I wanted it to be on jummah.
My dad still had no idea about much of this. He also, like the school rumors, thought I was in a depression of sorts. He even called my mum's hospital to ask whether she had died. That was the incident that made me swear at him three weeks ago after going 100% swear-free for about two months.
Nadia knew. I had told her about three weeks ago and although she didn't seem happy or proud at the idea, not that I needed her blessing anyway, she smiled and told me to go for it if that's what was going to make me happy. And it was. In fact, it had started to make me happy the day Jackson stabbed Ahmad, as bad as that sounds. Speaking of the devil.
"Hey, we're here, mate." He said as he punched my shoulder, snapping me out of my thoughts. I shook my head slightly and he muttered a 'weirdo' before we left the car and joined the guy who was already mucking around on the field. I didn't have any family support, but there's no lie that everyone here today, and more than them, were now my family. They made me feel like family long ago and tomorrow, I'd officially be in their brotherhood.
Alhamdulillah. Allah guides whom He wills.