She looked at him with plump cheeks as she chewed.
He gave her some moments to finish her bite before continuing.
After swallowing, she patted her mouth with a napkin.
"What is it?"
Her wide, colorful eyes gazed into his own.
Only then, did he notice a certain look she had. One that he had never seen on her before.
A subtle hint of regret, worry, and sadness. All masked behind those big, kind eyes.
Holding this eye contact was much greater of a task than he initially anticipated.
He tried his best to straighten himself and look at her.
"About what I said..."
Before he could finish, she put a hand up.
"I know."
He swallowed his words as he closed his mouth, hoping that she was thinking of something else entirely
Of course, this was merely wishful thinking as he had no way of defending himself.
She had taken her turn struggling to keep eye contact, as if not wanting to feel confrontational.
With a deep inhale, she continued her words.
"I've been reading lately. About Somnia, I mean. The functions, rules, and most importantly… the risks."
Internally, Leo felt as though his insides were sinking deeper into his body. As if they'd fall out from underneath his feet.
Externally, he simply blinked and listened.
She took a moment of silence as she kept her eyes on her cup, thinking through her words.
"So… I know you've been lying to me. How you could potentially recover your love and have something with me. In reality, you can't fix it, can you?"
He stared on, unblinking and rigid.
A deep, uncontrollable feeling brewed within him at that moment.
As if his bones were screaming at him to grab her mouth and shut her up.
` You can't fix it, can you? `
For the last few years, trying to fix everything was all he had been trying to do.
This violent feeling made him feel more sick and frustrated than he had felt in a long while.
To hear his insecurities out loud and realized.
"No! I wasn't lying, I was… I just…"
He made himself look like a fool in front of her as he desperately tried to fabricate an explanation.
With a tired expression on her face, she shook her head.
"It's okay, Leo. I lied to you, too."
He felt the heartbeat in his ears slowly die down to silence.
He let his head and shoulders drop a bit, accepting that there was no way out of this.
Soon, his frustrations were replaced with curiosity.
"Lied about what…?"
She fidgeted with her hands for a moment, keeping her eyes down in visible shame.
"I don't love you either. I can't."
A small silence ensued after that.
Leo wasn't sure whether to feel disappointment, guilt, or relief. Maybe a mixture of all three was most accurate.
She spoke again, explaining herself.
"I had a husband. Ferrand Heizer. He was a Reveur, just like you. You two might've been serving at the same time. Do you remember him?"
Outside of the initial shock of understanding the implications, he felt a familiarity within the name.
They definitely would've served at the same time.
He felt angry with himself for being unable to properly tie the name to a face.
The best he could do was try and remember what incident may have resulted in his death.
Finally, a spark of recognition lit.
"Was this during the Chupacabra attack of '26?"
She nodded solemnly. Even talking about the incident seemed to make her uneasy.
Leo nearly winced upon her confirmation.
He remembers this attack clear as day.
He could have been there to stop it and save Rachel's late husband.
Instead, he was busy tending to Charlotte who had been growing exceedingly weak and sick from her pregnancy.
She continued speaking.
"Ever since he passed, I feel like I've done nothing but stumble around in circles, desperately trying to replace that emptiness. When I met you, I thought maybe you could be the one. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it wouldn't work. So, like you, I thought I could lie to myself until it changed, despite knowing it never would."
With an exhale, his shoulders dropped to their normal, unguarded level.
He gave a weak, forced smile.
"Yeah, that… sounds about right."
The two grew silent for a few moments as they both took time to process their thoughts.
Finally, Leo gave his input.
"To be honest, before this… I don't think there was a moment I actually considered your feelings. I told myself I had to tell you the truth, but that wasn't for your sake. Instead, it was for mine alone. I'm not sure if it was to avoid shame, confrontation, or something else entirely. Even now, I think I'd still lie to you if I could. I really am a selfish man, Rachel."
She waited a moment before nodding.
"That you definitely are, Leo. But I can't bring myself to hate you for it."
The two were able to recover their smiles, if only faintly.
She lifted her cup and took a small sip of the coffee.
"You don't need to lie to keep me in your company. I'll always be happy to join you for coffee when my schedule allows me to."
He didn't say anything to this. He only nodded and mimicked her in taking a sip.
The coffee was now far too cold to be considered coffee.
For the first time in a long time, Leo felt like he had actually resolved something properly.
Although, without Rachel's maturity, it likely would've never happened.
He thought of some ideas of what they could do next time they had time like this.
"Would you like to maybe meet Maria sometime?"
Her eyes shot from the apple pie to him.
"Really? You'd be okay with that?"
He nodded.
"Of course. Maria could use some more company outside of me anyways. She's only a few minutes from here, at the Augustine Central Hospital."
Rachel smiled.
"I'll see you there then."
There was still a lingering weariness beneath that smile, and perhaps that would never change.
But at least her eyes held a different light.