(1)
"Oh my goodness, all this mystery… just for a bar?" Lili glanced at the sign that read The Joker's, then shot Chenhui a sharp look.
"What were you hoping for?" Chenhui laughed.
"A fancy restaurant, a private theater, a lakefront spot where we could watch the sunset? Literally anything else." Lili spoke with obvious disappointment. "You said you were taking me to the place you and Yang always went for your dates. And it turns out to be a bar? I don't even like drinking."
"Hang out. He said hang out, not date," I quickly corrected. And honestly, why couldn't a bar be a date spot?
"Fine, hang out." Lili shot me a look, then turned back to Chenhui. "But are you really sure you want to drink tonight? You're flying to Beijing tomorrow."
"It's fine. Just a little. You don't have to drink if you don't want to. They've got juice and coffee too." As he spoke, Chenhui bounded up the steps and pulled open the bar's glass door, then with a sweeping gesture, ushered us in. "Please. My distinguished guests."
It had been two and a half months since the college entrance exam. Our college choices were finally settled. Lili and I weren't going far – we both chose English majors, though at different universities. But Chenhui was flying to Beijing the next day. Strangely enough, I could never remember the name of his major. Something about computing engineering, maybe.
That summer vacation, the one I had looked forward to most during my school years, turned out not to be as carefree as I'd imagined. True, there was no homework anymore. But the anxiety of waiting for college acceptance results, the unease of heading into a new environment, and the sadness of parting with friends made the summer mentally exhausting. Yun had already flown to Shanghai two days before because her school started earlier. And now, I guessed the only reason Chenhui and I could still joke and laugh like nothing had changed was that I'd done my best not to think about what would happen after he left. I stole a glance at Lili.
From tomorrow onward, it'll be just the two of us.
The bar's layout and music hadn't changed at all. But that night, it seemed filled with more people our age. Chenhui and I, without even exchanging a word, naturally headed to our usual table by the window, as if the bar had reserved it for us. He and I sat side by side, while Lili took the seat across.
"What should we drink tonight?" Chenhui looked at the menu with enthusiasm.
"Just get me a soda or orange juice." Lili said, tossing her purse beside her.
"Got it. And you?" he asked me.
"I'll have what Lili's having. No alcohol tonight. I've got to get up early to see you off at the airport tomorrow, remember?"
"Alright." He went back to studying the menu, eyes focused like it was his first time ever seeing it. "Maybe I'll get some Arrogant Bastard Ale…"
"Are you sure you want to drink? You've got an early flight," I reminded him. "And if you're getting that, why are you taking so long to decide?"
"What the hell is that?" Lili looked at me curiously.
"It's this beer with a really weird taste," I replied. "For some reason, he really likes it."
"Well, I guess Chenhui's preferences have always been hard to guess." Lili made a snarky comment while picking at her nails.
I pretended not to hear and turned to Chenhui. "You've packed everything, right? Make sure you go to bed early tonight."
"Of course I've packed." Chenhui handed the menu to the waiter, then turned back to me. "Almost got into a fight with my mom over packing."
"Why?" I asked.
"Nothing serious. Just that I wanted to bring some stuff she thought was useless. But I insisted."
"What kind of stuff?" Lili asked.
"Just some books. Figured I'd need something to read when I get bored in Beijing."
The Arrogant Bastard Ale came quickly since it was served in cans, so the waiter brought over the two drinks in no time.
"Let me try it first." Lili snatched one, opened it, took a sip, and looked at Chenhui with a deadpan expression. "Seriously?"
Chenhui burst out laughing. "Told you it tasted weird."
That night, the three of us were truly enjoying ourselves. Before the exam, something had always felt like it was weighing us down, so nothing ever felt truly fun. But that night was different. I even thought, if Chenhui ended up drinking so much that he missed his flight, so what? He could just take the next one.
Or not leave at all…
OK, I had to admit that the real reason I didn't order anything alcoholic was something else entirely. I was worried that this might be the last time Chenhui and I came to this bar together, so I wanted to stay sober and remember every detail of the night. However, half the time, I couldn't even tell if he was drunk or not since he flushed easily when drinking.
"So, do either of you have any regrets about high school?" Lili sipped on a second glass of juice and looked at us.
"Mine's obvious." Chenhui put down his can and spoke first. "Not spending my final year with you guys. Even my graduation photo is just a bunch of classmates I barely knew." He glanced at me.
"It's just a photo. It's not like we haven't taken pictures together," I said, patting him on the shoulder, only for him to suddenly lean his head on my shoulder.
"What about you?" I asked Lili.
"Me? I think my biggest regret is that I never dated anyone secretly behind my parents' or teachers' backs."
"So the key point is not that you didn't date, but that you didn't do it in secret?" I stared at her, puzzled.
"Exactly. That would've been so exciting."
"Can't you just date in college?"
"That's not the same. In college, there's no need to keep it secret." Lili sighed. "Life just feels too bland sometimes. Really boring."
She wasn't entirely wrong. Without Chenhui, my life probably would've been exactly as she described. But when I thought about it, this so-called not-boring life had been a mix of everything – joy, excitement, suspicion, anger, and sadness. Sometimes I wondered whether life needed all these elements. But maybe it was precisely these things that taught me what to cherish.
"And what about you… Yang? Any regrets?" Chenhui was still resting on my shoulder.
"Me?"
Your regret is not being with us for our final year. Then what else can mine be?
"I can't really think of anything." I stared at the half-finished can on the table. "Even though your absence did make school less fun, we still hung out on weekends. So, it didn't feel like we missed out on anything."
Lili chuckled quietly and shook her head slightly.
"You… didn't you say once that you wanted to kiss me?" Chenhui suddenly whispered. "Then come kiss me."
Lili's wide eyes told me I hadn't misheard. I turned to look at Chenhui, whose eyes were shut, and cheeks were flushed red.
"You told him that?" Lili mouthed the words with exaggerated lips and a tiny voice.
"No!" I mouthed back.
"Did I ever say that?" I whispered to Chenhui.
"That day… at lunch… Yun asked if you wanted to… you said yes…"
"What day?" Lili mouthed to me again.
I shook my head. When would we ever talk about something like that over lunch?
"…then in the afternoon, you came here… alone…" he mumbled.
I thought for a bit and remembered. Yun had tried to get me to admit my feelings by asking me outright. I answered yes out of frustration. And then Chenhui had shown up behind me out of nowhere, scaring the life out of me. I'd been terrified that he'd overheard.
He really had.
There was a full minute of silence. Everyone else in the bar seemed to be having a good time. I wanted to borrow one of their conversations just to break the quiet.
Lili sat there with her elbow on the table, hand covering her mouth, staring blankly at nothing in particular. Chenhui was still on my shoulder, breathing deeper than usual.
Last time. It doesn't matter anymore.
"Chenhui…" My voice made Lili look up. "You're a smart guy. You probably already know how I feel about you."
Lili didn't move but kept her eyes on me.
"Maybe it's your presence that makes me feel something… beyond friendship. I'm not sure how to describe it, because I've never felt that way before. So, it's hard to define. But I really do feel safe when you're around. I find myself caring about every word you say. I even get jealous of… your girlfriend… because she gets to be with you so openly. I think I've always had strong self-control. I don't stay up late. I don't lose my temper with hard problems. But when it comes to you, I lose control. Sometimes I panic for no reason, terrified that you might disappear. But now, I think I finally understand. Some things might never happen between us. And maybe that's exactly why we'll never fall apart."
Lili continued watching me, her hands now gripping tighter over her mouth.
"So… this is fine," I smiled at her, then continued talking to Chenhui, "Your lips… they should be kissed by a girl."
I exhaled a long breath. I didn't expect to feel so calm saying all that. Some things felt terrifying until they actually happened. And when they really did, they were not so scary after all.
"Oh right," I wasn't sure if Chenhui was really listening, so I wanted to ask him something, just to try and get a response. "Didn't you say you liked Into the White Night? If you don't mind, maybe you could lend me your copy? I figured, since college is coming up, it's probably time I developed some new reading habits."
But Chenhui said nothing.
"He's perhaps asleep…" Lili whispered.
He was totally wasted.
I didn't remember much about the cab ride back. Just that his mom had been waiting for us at the door of his place. And when I waved goodbye to her, I caught a glimpse of the clock in their living room. It was almost midnight. But when I got home, I couldn't sleep. I kept wondering whether I'd made a mistake by not kissing Chenhui when he asked.
But then again, what could a kiss possibly change?
(2)
When I arrived at the airport, it was just 6:30 in the morning. Although it wasn't officially autumn yet, the air already called for a sweatshirt. It felt like this was the first time I'd ever come all the way to the airport just to see someone off.
Before long, Chenhui and his mom got out of a taxi not far from me. With his black New York Yankees cap on backward, he wore a dark blue hoodie and held a large backpack in one hand. He spotted me waving as soon as he shut the door. His mom didn't look surprised to see me but just smiled and waved. Chenhui must've told her I would be here. Then she took all the baggage and went straight into the terminal.
"Your eyes are still red. Didn't sleep well last night, did you?" Chenhui jogged up to me and said.
"You're no better. I told you we had to get up early for your flight, and you still drank so much last night."
"Thanks for coming all the way out here to see me off," he said, sounding a bit shy as he curled his lips to the side. "What are you gonna do after this?"
"I don't know. Catch up on sleep? Maybe." I shrugged. "Why'd you book such an early flight, anyway?"
"This isn't early. I'll probably get to Beijing around ten. And I bet I won't reach my college until close to eleven," he said, checking his watch.
"All right. Go get settled in Beijing first. Get familiar with the place, and then when I visit, you can be my tour guide." I tried to sound casual, even though I still couldn't quite bring myself to accept the fact that he was going to leave this city in less than an hour.
"No problem!" He saluted. I'd always liked the way he did that, though I couldn't quite explain why. Every time he saluted, he puffed up his chest like he'd seen the move in some cartoon. It looked a little silly, but also kind of endearing.
Just then, his mom reappeared in the doorway behind him and called out, "It's time to go in!"
Chenhui turned around. His mom waved the two boarding passes in her hand, and he nodded.
Then he took off his cap and jammed it onto my head. After slinging his backpack over his shoulders, he ran off. Right before catching up to his mom, he turned and gave me a call me gesture.
But just as I was about to leave, he suddenly came running back out, unzipping his backpack as he ran.
"Almost forgot. This is for you…" he said, handing me a book.
"I'm going now. Take care of yourself!" he waved, then dashed back inside.
The automatic glass doors slid shut behind him, and I couldn't see him anymore. As I looked down at the book in my hands, I felt something holding me there, unable to move.
White cover, a boy and a girl in grey silhouette holding hands on it.
It was Into the White Night.