The same dream. A snowy place where sky and earth merged.
In the distance stood a forest of firs. Among the trees, the solitary gray she-wolf. Her amber eyes watched me, calling.
I'm answering your call. My feet moved toward her.
I'm on my way.
I woke abruptly. Gasping. Sweating. My pulse raced. It took me a while to catch my breath. The opiate raised the hairs on my skin and intensified my anxiety. My trembling, aching hand rested on my burning forehead. In the mirror, my pupils appeared dilated. If I still had my biochip, this could be avoided. I could regulate the doses, prevent addiction and withdrawal.
"Are you okay?" Maia sat beside me.
I covered my head with my hands and pressed my lips together. "M-Maia… please… go away." I was going to lose my mind.
"I wanna stay with you." Her eyes grew sad.
I didn't want to see her like that. Didn't want to see her. "I have to get out of this madness."
She held my face. The illusion refused to collapse. "Hey, look at me. I like you so much." Her words blew like a furtive breeze through a nonexistent crack.
This was an illusion. Illusion. Illusion. "I can't succumb to this."
The Pefentanil pills on the little table drew me in. Once I took them, peace would return, the weight would disappear, and the hallucination would leave me alone. I could even crush one and inhale it so the effect came faster.
I touched the pills with my fingertips. Bit my lips. Scratched my arm. A trickle of blood appeared. Just one. Only one pill to escape that cursed reality, even if, at some point, the drugs stopped working and I could no longer flee.
I rocked slowly back and forth, imagining euphoria taking over, exploding like fireworks and dissolving into a thousand colors. The anesthesia would comfort me as only Maia could. No. I shook my head. I needed to face this.
Depression sucked in the torment like a black hole absorbing stars. I tried to cry, imprisoned in that painful memory, but the tears wouldn't come. I had emptied myself to keep going. My soul had bled to its final drop. I was trying to overcome the pain of losing Maia and being tortured.
They had broken my bones, torn my muscles, and lacerated my flesh. A torment that snapped my spirit's thin cords, continually shattering my soul. A pain that surpassed the physical and reached my essence, breaking it into shards that seemed beyond repair.
"What are you doing?" Maia asked.
It hardly mattered that she was illusory. My heart, feverish and in withdrawal, begged me to release my emotions. If I succumbed to this madness, at least I could tell her what had happened. Perhaps it was permitted, since she wasn't real.
"You know…" I lowered my clothes to my shoulders. "I accepted all these marks because you had yours too. Even greater traumas I'll never hear you share." I ran a finger over my neck. A trickle of sweat rolled down the scar. "I was in so much pain I anesthetized myself inside. That soldier lacerated my neck. He laughed so much. And what did I do?" I looked at her. "Thought of you."
Maia watched me. That was what I wanted to do. Tell her everything. She was the only person I wanted to tell those things. The only one who would comfort me, embrace me, and say, 'Akiko, I'm here. Everything will be alright because I'm here.' But the figure before me wasn't Maia. Wasn't real.
I lowered my uniform to my waist, exposing my back. "The guard made this X. Drove the blade in, opened my skin, and laughed, boasting, 'Wanna play target practice?'" In that instant, crying overflowed through my skin. I cried blood. I crouched before the illusion as a tear fell like drizzle.
Her eyes followed my movements. The real Maia would let me cry. Wipe my tears, bring rest to my heart, warm me in her embrace, and heat my sadness until it evaporated.
"What did I do? Thought of you. Thinking of you made everything bearable."
"Aki." Her voice chimed like music.
I sighed. "Ah, you have no idea how much I wanted to hear you say my name again." I dressed and sat beside her. "I was innocent, Maia, believing I was safe. A naïveté I'll never have again." I clenched my teeth. Sadness was turning into anger.
"You don't need to…" Her empty touch caressed my face.
But I would continue. Fever heated my body and disturbed my mind, allowing Maia's illusion to bring me some relief instead of only anguish. "Everything was so unexpected. I couldn't imagine who was behind it. I even thought of Josivaldo." I gave a distressed smile and shook my head. "Of all people, it was him. It was Riki." I closed my hands. My knuckles remained red and wounded.
"No…" she murmured.
I sniffed and rubbed my cheeks. "The person who finished destroying me, Maia, lived in my heart. I respected him. Yes, I knew his perversity, but he had once been so admirable. Forgetting the cruelty was easy." My voice wavered.
"He cowove a nanodevice with Hideaki that makes so many people happy." I gestured, imagining a thread emerging from my head. "Those who connected to NeuroSync while alive left an inheritance after death more valuable than anything. Their families could collect memories of gold and love, passed from one person to another. Images of a beautiful past that had already happened but could be remembered."
I sighed. In the end, we're made of memories. And in that moment, I was made of memories of pain. "They inspired me to weave CogniSynth. I wanted people to relive their most beautiful memories, the ones that warm bitter days. To record them and replay them whenever they wished."
My throat closed, cutting off my voice. Enraged, I remembered Kiara's words: 'Those who should protect you are the ones who cause your ruin.'
"Even a thousand blades piercing me couldn't hurt as much as Riki hurting and using me." I returned my eyes to Maia's image. "Thinking of you made me endure everything." I bit my lip, overcome by anger. Tried to recover the strength to keep going, even if I remained alone in the end. "But your memory was what finally tore me apart and took my breath." I breathed deeply, trying to bury the feelings burying me.
"Why do you keep doing this?" Her sorrowful tone reminded me she was only an illusion.
"Because it's all I have left." My voice came out fragile, brittle. "I'm here, talking to you, because I have nothing else." I wanted to touch her. Wanted to feel her skin against mine. But nothing was there. Only emptiness. "I endured everything…" My breath trembled. "You could have revealed yourself to me, because…" Tears finally came like a cosmic river, deep and suffocating, dragging the entire weight I carried in my chest.
"My love for you is greater than all of this. Beyond pain. Beyond scars, traumas, fear, anger, and resentment. It doesn't need you here, because it crosses the barriers of the intangible. Vibrates in every cell of my being. It exists. And that's enough. Enough for me to stay here. Living. Trying. Overcoming everything. Because you did the same."
My voice caught, but I continued. "I want to show you that this love takes the place of wounds, fills the voids, and heals what was broken. How I wanted to take your wounds' place, care for your pain, and be for you what you were for me. I want to show you that, even shattered, I love you as you loved me."
"I love you." The illusion's voice echoed, unfeeling. Light. False. Empty words. The words I most wanted to hear, yet they could no longer fill me. After all, this was only a projection of my troubled mind.
Crying left me exhausted. Emotions dragged me into my own abyss. I washed my face, wishing the water would carry away my agonies too. But they remained like scars, constant presences.
I looked at my reflection. Shadows beneath my eyes. Pallor. A body that could still remain standing. I tied my short hair into a bun and faced myself in the mirror. What awaited me?
KNOCK A knock at the door.
I returned to the present. The clock read noon. I inhaled deeply and waited for the signs of crying to diminish. Went to open the door. Time to pretend I wasn't falling apart. I straightened.
When the door opened, I found Saymon, elevated in his usual bearing, his presence laden with authority.
"What are you doing here?" I frowned. I had imagined one of his androids would come for me, rather than Saymon appearing personally. Had he heard me? No. He couldn't have. The cabins were soundproof. I needed to be careful so they wouldn't think I was insane. Though something told me he already knew.
Saymon stared at me. His eyes traveled over my trembling hands.
I hid them behind my body.
Silence.
I raised an eyebrow, reinforcing the question.
Then Saymon clicked his tongue and took a pill from his pocket. "Take this to suppress the withdrawal."
It took me a moment to absorb what he said. I tried to look well, but I couldn't hide the pallor behind my reddened face, the perspiration, and the trembling. I took the pill and swallowed it dry. Then turned to get water.
When I noticed, Saymon had already entered the cabin.
"What do you want?" I crossed my arms.
He was… strange. Seemed a little hesitant. He fiddled with the silver rings on his fingers. Said nothing. His eyes avoided mine. "Are… you… alright?" The question came out almost choked.
I drew my brows together. Blinked. Lost. Then understood. I tried to stifle a little laugh beginning to escape. Perhaps madness was leaving me. Perhaps I was simply on the verge of another collapse. I threw my head back and laughed. Laughed heartily. Doubled over, unable to contain it.
Saymon narrowed his eyes. "What?"
"Y-you…" I tried to catch my breath. "Have you ever asked anyone that before?"
He scowled.
Laughter still escaped the corners of my mouth, but I forced myself to stop. Rubbed my watering eyes.
"Whatever. Come." Saymon gestured for me to follow.
I composed myself. "Where to?"
"You'll see when we get there."
I rolled my eyes and relaxed my shoulders. After all, asking seemed useless, and resisting, risky. I felt I had no choice. At least I hoped it wasn't a suicide mission.
Saymon turned and began walking. "Coming?"
I sighed. "Alright."
I pretended to forget the Pefentanil. I needed to resist until the last moment, even if only for a few moons. My stay there had been brief. I had been among nomads living on the margins, refugees because the Aether Network threatened them and forced them to survive underground, dependent on mercenaries' protection. I hoped those people could rise again and recognize their own strength. Perhaps then things would be different.
Maeva crossed my thoughts. Perhaps that was why people like her existed. Suns in the darkness.
I returned my attention to Saymon's back and the surroundings. Wherever he passed, some people appeared dazzled while others withdrew. Some feared crossing his path, and others watched him with admiration mingled with fear. Was that power?
We reached the room near the entrance.
There was no trace of Paulo Lewis having knelt there two moons earlier. Maeva had said he would return to Sessota as though nothing had happened. Under the control of…
"Leaving without saying goodbye?" Maeva wrapped me in a warm embrace.
I returned it, though I lacked the good feelings to match her joy. "I-I…"
"Relax, I'm kidding." She held my shoulders. "Thought we'd have a little more free time, but alright. Maybe another day?" She tossed her hair back and gave a contagious smile.
I smiled awkwardly. "Yes."
"Alright. I'll let you go. Keep an eye on the news, huh?" Maeva winked, amused.
I nodded, somewhat melancholy. Ah, how embarrassing. I could have shown more enthusiasm. But I needed to recognize something: sometimes, not even the sovereign sun could illuminate every place and reach every soul. Some were buried so deep in darkness, sunk so far into the abyss, that no ray of sunlight seemed capable of touching them.
Maeva stepped away, waving. "Take care. See you."
"You to…" My voice faded. I sighed. I hope I see her again.
Saymon had stopped at the entrance and watched me enigmatically. He was far more than an emptiness full of layers. He was unreadable, condensed into hundreds of indecipherable shadows. His facets were all his own. None masked. All genuine. Frightening. Fascinating.
I couldn't unravel him. He, on the other hand… Seemed to lay bare all my vulnerability. His gaze pierced me, as though seeing every fragment of my soul.
"I'll be alright." I began walking again. I would repeat it until it became true. Perhaps someday, I really would be.
Saymon leaned forward and continued.
I followed him. Climbed through the trapdoor. Beams of sunlight caressed my skin. I closed my eyes, savoring the warmth. The withdrawal had stopped. I breathed in relief. There was no hallucination of Maia. I glanced at the half-dead trees around us. Was that all the nature that remained?
Saymon waited, leaning against the vehicle. He seemed immersed in thought but remained attentive.
I approached.
He opened the doors.
We took flight, traveling through the air.
The silence was uncomfortable.
I looked out the window. We were heading toward northern Brazil. I rubbed my forehead, still a little numb. Then we flew over São Paulo. Chaos reigned in the city. Protests erupted across several regions.
"What happened here?" I pressed my face to the glass. Buildings blocked much of the view. "Is that fire?"
Saymon's sarcastic laugh cut through the air. "The city's finally burning?"
A chill traveled through my body. Did he mean…? Could it…? I shook my head. No. They wouldn't do that… would they?
We continued in silence. I wanted to flood him with questions, but knew it would be frustrating. Saymon was the least willing to talk, despite seeming to possess almost every answer.
There was only one exception.
He couldn't speak for Maia.