"Ha..." A short, humorless laugh escaped Kunlapat's throat. "You're going to ask me that every single time we cross paths? Why does it even matter? It's over. It's been over. What more do you want?"
"Because you've been acting like you want me to be jealous. How am I not supposed to think that?"
"Ridiculous."
"Then just forgive me, P'Pat. Let it go, and we can go back to being... good to each other."
Good to each other...
Those words cut straight into Kunlapat's chest like a blade. She stepped forward until she was close enough to breathe the same air, her body trembling with the fury and grief she'd spent so long trying to keep buried.
"If you actually wanted my forgiveness, why are you only saying this now? This whole time... have you ever once apologized to me? I think the real reason you're running after me like this is because you're scared Anda is going to find out what you did. That's all this is."
Lalin went quiet. Kunlapat let out a low, mocking laugh. "Yeah... I'm right, aren't I. You're terrified she'll find out." Her voice was a needle, deliberately twisting in.
Lalin stared back at her, jaw tightening. She had never seen this side of Kunlapat before. This cruelty.
"P'Pat." Lalin's voice was starting to shake. "If you keep doing this, things are only going to get worse. Just tell me what you need me to do. I don't even know how to apologize to you anymore." Her eyes were wet, tears threatening to spill over.
"You don't have to do anything. Because that day is never coming. I will never forgive you."
"P'Pat!"
"Get out of my life. I don't want to see your face again."
"P'Pat!"
"Stop." Kunlapat pointed at her. "Stop saying my name. It's grating on my nerves."
Lalin let out a sob.
"Do I have to die for you to be satisfied?!"
Kunlapat's smile was cold and cutting. "Why the rush? The three of us like this... it's actually kind of fun, don't you think?"
Lalin's patience snapped. A slender hand whipped upward without warning.
Crack.
The sound of the slap rang through the café. Kunlapat's head jerked to the side from the force of it, a vivid red mark blooming across her pale cheek.
She didn't give Lalin a second to recover. Kunlapat seized the smaller girl's wrist and dragged her into the bathroom, locking the door the moment they were inside. She pressed her own back flat against it, cutting off every escape route, then stepped forward and kept stepping until Lalin's back collided with the cold tile wall. Her hands gripped both of Lalin's shoulders and pinned her there, controlling every attempt to move.
Lalin's heart was hammering with fear and white-hot rage. She struggled, but the grip on her shoulders only tightened.
"Let go of me, P'Pat!" she cried out. Kunlapat didn't hear a word.
There was still fire blazing behind Kunlapat's eyes. She brought it crashing down in the form of a kiss, brutal and consuming, full of a want that had been seething for too long. Lalin's lips were crushed under hers, relentless and burning, until the air was stolen right from Lalin's lungs. There was no room to run. Kunlapat's body was the cage, her mouth returning again and again to claim what breath remained.
"P'Pat... ngh... stop..." Lalin's protest came out broken.
Kunlapat said nothing. She only moved her lips to the curve of Lalin's shoulder, pressed her teeth gently into the skin there, and pulled, drawing out a sting edged with something electric. Lalin's whole body shuddered against her will. Both hands pushed against Kunlapat's chest, but the effort dissolved into nothing.
Kunlapat stared down at the tear-streaked face beneath her, then leaned in and breathed the words against Lalin's ear.
"Let's hurt together, Lalin." Her voice was rough, barely above a whisper. "I'm not going to be the only one in pain this time."
And then she let go.
She stepped back, turned, and walked out of the bathroom, leaving Lalin standing there, frozen, drowning in the wreckage of whatever that had just been. But the moment Kunlapat cleared the doorway and moved out of sight, the tears she'd been holding back came loose and ran silently down her face.
She knew perfectly well that Lalin didn't love her anymore. Maybe had never loved her at all. And yet she still couldn't stop herself from going back to that same dry well, begging for something from someone who had nothing left to give, had perhaps never had anything real to give in the first place.
***
In the days that followed...
Lalin couldn't stop replaying it. The kiss. The words. The look on Kunlapat's face when she said them. It circled endlessly in her head as she sat curled on the sofa, staring at nothing, letting the confusion swallow her whole.
Anda had noticed Lalin up early with shadows under her eyes and something closed-off in her expression. She didn't pry. She just went quietly to the kitchen and cooked breakfast, carrying the plate out herself to where Lalin sat on the sofa, which was unusual enough to pull Lalin back to the present.
"You're being so sweet today," Lalin said softly, managing a small smile. Underneath it she was trying to lock away the guilt that had been gnawing at her since yesterday, not letting it show through her eyes.
"You're always taking care of me. I want to do the same." Anda settled beside her, warm eyes full of quiet concern.
"I'll finish every bite," Lalin said, still smiling, still working to seem normal, even as the shame of it burned in her chest.
"Good. Eat until those cheeks are puffed out," Anda teased, watching Lalin take an overly large spoonful and puff up her cheeks like a little squirrel.
But Anda's smile faded the moment she caught the shadow lurking behind Lalin's eyes. Something wasn't right, and she could feel it.
"Lalin."
"Yes?"
"If something's bothering you, you can tell me. Anything at all." Her voice was gentle, sincere.
Lalin looked at her for a long moment, caught between saying it and swallowing it back down.
"P'Anda..."
"Yes?"
"Whatever happens between us... promise me we'll talk it out. Calmly. With reason."
The words came out trembling. Lalin didn't know when the truth would surface, didn't know what Anda would think of her when it did. But if it was ever going to be bad enough to break things apart, she wanted at least the chance to explain herself.
Anda had no idea what weight was behind those words. She only looked at the girl she cared about, warmth open in her face.
"Of course," she answered, her smile soft and steady. "Whatever happens, I'll always listen to you. Calmly. With reason. I promise."
***
That evening, Lalin had to leave for a family dinner she couldn't get out of. She hated the idea of leaving Anda alone anywhere near Kunlapat. She said so, more than once, extracting a promise that the moment dinner was over, she'd video call, and Anda was to keep her phone on her at all times.
But barely after Lalin had left, Kunlapat showed up at Anda's door as if nothing were the matter, casually suggesting they go for a swim.
At the condo pool
"We haven't done this in ages. Why'd you suddenly feel like it?" Anda asked, watching Kunlapat standing at the edge of the pool smoking a cigarette, the blue water still beside her.
Anda knew full well that Kunlapat didn't smoke, not usually. But ever since her breakup with someone Anda had never met and didn't know by name or face, the only thing that ever seemed to quiet the noise inside her friend was pulling on a mentholated cigarette and letting it hold the past down for a while.
"Can't sleep. Got things on my mind," Kunlapat answered, exhaling a slow curl of grey smoke toward the open air.
"What things now?" Anda narrowed her eyes.
Kunlapat was quiet for a beat.
"Nothing important. Forget it." She flicked ash over the edge without caring where it landed.
Anda studied her. Something was clearly off. And she knew Kunlapat well enough to know when she was keeping something to herself.
Then, before Anda could push further...
"How are things going with Lalin? Smooth sailing?" There it was again. That question, asked the same way it always was. And once again, Anda found herself wondering why Kunlapat always seemed to have a particular interest in her relationship.
"Fine, I guess." She wasn't fully sure. "Why do you ask?" She decided to just say it directly, one eyebrow drawn in.
Kunlapat was quiet again for a moment. Then she stared out at the water, long enough that the silence started to feel like a held breath. When she finally turned to look at Anda, there was something unfamiliar in her eyes.
"Anda... hypothetically speaking. What if I had feelings for you? More than just as a friend. What would you do?"
Anda's heart lurched hard inside her chest.
"What is wrong with you, Pat. Don't mess with me like this. I'm not laughing." She pushed back firmly, trying to muffle the flutter that had risen without her permission.
Kunlapat only smiled, a quiet, lopsided curve. "I've liked you for a long time. And you feel something for me too, don't you. You know you do."
The words landed like a hand reaching back into a box Anda had sealed shut. She had never expected to hear this. Not now. Not after everything she'd done to get herself to somewhere solid.
When she'd first gotten close to Kunlapat, she'd fallen quietly and completely, and when she'd found out Kunlapat liked women, a small, reckless part of her had hoped she might be the one. But that hope had dimmed, slowly, as it became clear that Kunlapat's heart was somewhere else, fixed on someone she never named, someone she never showed a photo of.
Anda had spent a long time arriving at the truth that she was only ever going to be a friend. She had done the work. Made her peace. Opened a door to something new. And now, today, on exactly the wrong day, Kunlapat was saying this.
It felt like salt poured into a wound that had just started to close.
"I don't think what you're doing is right, Pat."
Kunlapat didn't confirm or deny anything. She just pressed the cigarette out against the pool's edge, slowly, like there was all the time in the world.
"All that time, you knew how I felt. You knew and you let me figure it out by myself. You let me cut it off myself. And now that I'm finally moving forward, you say this to me." The frustration was real now, unguarded. "You've had so many chances to say something. So why now? Don't you think that's a little selfish?"
Kunlapat stood still and let the words pass through her.
"Don't overthink it, Anda."
The dismissal landed like a slap. The hurt moved clearly across Anda's face.
"Fine. If we've already come this far... why don't we try seeing each other? On the side is fine. I'm not that particular about it." Kunlapat's eyes were flat, unbothered, as if she couldn't hear how ugly that sounded coming out of her own mouth.
Anda looked at her. She looked at her like she was looking at someone she had never met.
"Or you could just go break things off with Lalin first," Kunlapat added, easy as anything. "I'll wait."
In that moment, Anda felt something inside her quietly break.
.
.
Don't Talk About the Ex (English version)
by Hojicha