"Well then, I wonder where I'm being dragged off to today..."
Upon arriving at Shino's house, Hachiman let the thought drift through his mind as he pressed the doorbell. There was no response. It was odd, but he couldn't exactly start shouting in the middle of the neighborhood. After a moment's hesitation, he decided to just give Shino a call.
As luck would have it, Shino had forgotten to charge her phone the night before. The call went straight to voicemail.
"That automated message... Her battery's dead. Great. Now what?"
While Hachiman stood outside pondering his next move, someone else was fighting a lonely battle inside: Hachiman-kun, the plushie.
"Wake up, Shino! Wake up! Hey, I said wake up!" the doll barked. "Dammit, as a plushie, my punches don't have enough weight behind them to even budge her... Fine, I'll answer the door. Now, where's a good Shino voice sample? Ah, this one's perfect."
Outside, Hachiman decided to try the intercom one last time. If no one answered, he'd go find a cafe to kill some time. He pressed the button. This time, Shino's voice crackled through the speaker.
"D-Darling! It's me, Shino... datcha!"
Hachiman stood in stunned silence for a full ten seconds before his brain finally rebooted.
"Haaaaah?! What the hell are you doing? Did the girls talk you into changing into a tiger-striped bikini or something?"
"D-Darling! It's me, Shino... datcha!"
"Look, I get the reference! I just don't get why!"
After another brief silence, the door finally clicked open. Hachiman-kun's small face peered out from the gap. Apparently, he had managed to climb up and wrestle the doorknob open. For a few seconds, the two Hachimans simply stared at each other in silence.
"Yo. Long time no see, Me," the doll said.
"...Right. I forgot you were staying at Shino's place."
"Yeah. It was a pain in the ass climbing up to the handle. Those girls sleep like the dead—no matter how much I shook or kicked them, they wouldn't wake up."
Realizing that all four girls were still fast asleep, Hachiman finally connected the dots regarding the voice on the intercom.
"So that was you? Do you have a voice changer or something? The script made zero sense, though."
"I just took a video she recorded last night and wired the audio directly into my mic. It wasn't a bit, either. That actually happened."
"You have a function for that? Wait—more importantly, in what context does that actually happen?!"
"Well, last night..."
Hachiman-kun proceeded to give Hachiman a full breakdown of the previous night's events.
"I see. Well, I don't hate that anime either, so I guess I can't blame her. I'm actually curious about the song now. Anyway, I'll go wake them up. You go put Shino's phone on the charger."
"You got it."
Hachiman stepped into the room behind the plushie, only to be met with the sight of four girls sleeping in various states of immodest disarray. He performed an immediate, frame-perfect about-face.
"...On second thought, you wake them up."
"I told you, didn't I? My physical strength is basically zero."
"Just pinch their noses. They'll wake up when they can't breathe."
"...Oh. That's actually brilliant. As expected of the Original Me."
"Just do it already!"
"Fine, fine. I'll wake them up in order of bust size, then."
Hachiman froze, his mouth hanging open as he stared at the plushie.
"A-Are you sure you're actually a copy of me? I don't think that thought would ever cross my mind, no matter how hard I tried."
"Can you say that with 100% certainty?"
"I... I mean..."
"Really?"
"...Y-Yeah."
Hachiman-kun let out a smug grin at Hachiman's weak defense.
"Correct. That wasn't my idea—it was an idea from my 'Creators.' Specifically, your Idiot Sister and the Rat-Cat."
"How do you know the contact names in my phone?!"
"The Rat-Cat is involved. Use your head."
"Right. I forgot who I was dealing with..." Hachiman sighed, recalling past headaches. "Whatever. Just wake them up. And tell them to put some damn pajamas on."
"Copy that."
Hachiman-kun set to work.
"Hey, Shiina. Get up."
"Mmm... Nnnngh?! Gasp! Haa... haa... Oh, Hachiman-kun, good morning."
"Yeah, morning. Also, your top is wide open, Shiina."
"Oops! Can't have my future Prince's prizes just hanging out."
Hachiman couldn't help but bark back from the doorway. "I'm not touching those!"
"Whoa, that sounded just like the real Prince!" Shiina chirped, not realizing it was the real Hachiman.
The plushie moved down the line to Mii, Shino, and finally Eiko.
"Mii, you're gonna catch a cold sleeping in just your underwear."
"Huh? Did I forget my pajamas? Well, I did wear my favorite pair today just in case the Prince saw them..."
"I told you, I'm not looking!"
"Hey, Shino. Don't make me wipe your drool on a day like this."
"Ugh... Hachiman had to wipe my drool again..."
"Again? Did you just say again?"
"Eiko, you're the only one who looks like a functional human being."
"The rest of you are so sloppy," Eiko sighed. "I'm the only perfect one here. Well... except for my chest size, maybe."
"Don't worry. I'm on your side," the plushie comforted her.
"Thanks, Hachiman-kun! I feel like I can keep going for a while now!"
"Yeah, stay strong. Though, technically I'm not Hachiman-kun... well, I guess I am, in a way."
At that point, the four girls finally sensed something was off. They looked at each other, then turned toward the entryway. There stood Hachiman, his back turned to them. They looked at each other again, then collectively checked the clock on the wall.
""""Ah...""""
"Finally all awake, I see."
"H-Hachiman?! How did you get in?!"
"I was the one who let him in. You're welcome, Shino," Hachiman-kun bragged. "Though, it's my bad that he got a front-row seat to your 'disarray.' Sorry about that."
Hachiman immediately snatched the plushie and began grinding his fist into its head.
"Stop running your mouth!"
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