Mujine, week 4.532.483 of Bisence in the 145th year of the Age of the First.
Insecurity.
I'm bored, with nothing to do.
Well, atleast i'm happy, right?
I miss my son, Kurema, and my wife, Beatha.
I haven't seen them in a while.
They're exploring Ohotu together.
Me and the other divinities have created some form of language amongst ourselves.
Nobody else will understand if i explained why, but i once heard my creators speak some kind of language, and i wanted that too.
So i created a language that only me, and my friends and family could understand.
Well, my family excluding Kurema.
We didn't teach him.
Why?
I don't really know why to be honest.
Anyways, that doesn't matter, what matters right now is doing something fun.
I take a deep breath, thinking about what i can do before i get an idea.
I wonder how Alivu is doing.
So, i stand up and i fly over to Alivu's planet, the one i created for her 30 years ago.
I arrive that very same instant, due to the fact i can move faster than teleportation.
Heh, i like being a divinity.
I see Alivu in the distance, sitting and reading a book.
I walk over to her, waving as i do and i ask her.
"What are you reading, Alivu?"
"Hm? Oh, hey Han!"
Han is the name she and Beatha call me for some reason.
I like it.
"I'm reading this book i found in the library planet you created."
'Slave ofSaylen' is the book she's reading.
Its a book about a man who was enslaved by light itself.
Its a good read, i liked it a lot.
"Oh! Slave of Saylen! I read that a few months ago."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah! Its a great book. What book and chapter are you on?"
"Book 3, chapter 8 out of 32."
"I see, so you're almost done then?"
Slave of Saylen's ending is on chapter 30 of book 3.
Chapters 31 and 32 are simply epilogue chapters.
In chapter 30 of book 2, which is the last chapter of book 2, Laithleb, the main character, frees himself from his prison.
Book 3 is about his quest for revenge.
Light itself is sentient, and Laithleb is hunting it down in book 3.
He succeeds in killing the beacon of light, but what he didn't know is that, once a beacon of light is killed, their killer gets absorbed by light and the killer becomes the new beacon, killing the killer in the process.
So after Laithleb manages to kill the beacon of light, he himself becomes a beacon, and thats how the book ends.
Its really tragic.
Hearing what i said, Alivu giggles, saying.
"You already know the answer to that question, idiot."
I sigh, shaking my head and i say.
"Shut up."
"Sorry, i can't help myself."
"I know."
"Anyways, why are you here, Hanten?"
"Honestly? I have no idea. I'm just bored."
"Beatha and Kurema still exploring Ohotu, hm?"
"Yeah. Its lonely being all alone on the orb without anybody around."
"Understandable. Well, you're welcome to stay here until they're back if you want."
"Sure! I'd like that."
"Well, welcome to my planet then!"
"Thanks!"
I've always wondered one thing.
Why is it that every divinity has colour except for me?
My colours are simply inverted of whats behind me from a person's angle.
I guess it makes me unique, but i kinda hate it.
I want to look like myself, not just the world around me.
I sigh at that thought, because for some reason, i feel sad now.
I kind of want to fly around a bit and clear my head...
I think to myself before asking.
"I'm going to fly around a bit, wanna come with me?"
"No thanks, i'm not in a mood to be active right now. Thanks for inviting me tho."
"Okay, enjoy your book."
"Thanks!"
After that, i start to levitate and i simply fly around aimlessly to clear my head.
I go to the border of Ohotu, flipping around and i standing on it.
I raise my head, looking up at everything contained inside of Ohotu.
"I wonder why i keep having these thoughts about wanting to be something else."
"Its not like i'm jealous or anything, i'm happy with who i am."
I look down, through the glowing border and i see an uncountable amount of realities.
I wonder how those realities look.
Do they have mortals and divinities inside them too?
Or are they empty?
I get a slight shiver at the thought.
I hope nobody causes Ohotu to become empty in the future.
Through destruction, genocides or something else.
It'd be a shame to destroy the beauty of this place.
I love the people, my people.
I love my orb, my family, my friends.
The citizens of my reality.
Everything is perfect, isn't it?
"But then why am i having these thoughts?"
"If everything is so perfect, why do i myself still feel so... imperfect?"
"I am the king of Ohotu, so shouldn't i be the most perfect of them all?"
"Shouldn't i be an example for my people?"
"Why do i feel this way?"
I sigh, and i fly back to Alivu.
I guess i'll just push these thoughts to the back of my mind for now.
They don't matter.
I'll just try figuring it out sometime later.
Dasama, week 432 of Altyncy in the 145th year of the Age of the First.
Love.
I'm currently taking a simple walk around Alivu's planet.
I figured out that emotion i was feeling is called 'Insecurity.'.
Its an interesting emotion, but one i dislike very much.
Beatha and Kurema are still gone.
They'll probably be gone until Sigezence in the 149th year.
I'm still staying with Alivu.
She ended up finishing Slave of Saylen.
She cried at Laithleb's death, and even more at the ending, and i had to comfort her.
Honestly, it was quite funny how emotionally invested she was in it.
Also, quite cute.
I wonder why i think thats cute.
In my head, she's someone i have to protect with my life, same as Kurema, and Beatha.
But why?
Is it because i love her?
I don't know why, but the love i feel for Alivu feels different than the love i have for Beatha.
Its more similair to the love i feel for Kurema.
I can't help but be curious about it.
Perhaps i'll ask a mortal about it sometime.
The mortals helped me realize my love for Beatha, so maybe they can help me with this too.
I'm not going to do that right now.
I want to do something with Alivu, but i also want to read...
Wait, why not ask her to go to the Planet of Knowledge?
Surely there are some new books there.
The way the Planet of Knowledge works is fairly simple.
If someone writes something, a copy of it will appear in a bookshelf on the planet.
Thats all there is to it.
Every single word ever written anywhere exists somewhere on that planet.
So, thinking that, i walk around the planet, trying to find where Alivu is.
A few minutes pass of me taking my time, simply walking and enjoying the beauty around me, i spot her.
I wave over at her, shouting.
"Hey! Alivu!"
"Hm?"
Alivu turns her head towards me, and she smiles and waves back.
"Hey, Han!"
Alivu shouts, and i walk over to her.
"What are you doing here in the forest?"
"I'm just finding and eating some apples for fun."
"I see."
I look down and see her carrying two apples.
I like apples.
Both the sour ones, and sweet ones.
Despite not needing food, we divinities like to eat for fun.
"Mind if i eat one too?"
I ask.
"Sure, here!"
Alivu responds, holding out an apple for me.
I take the apple and nod, and in that instant its completely gone.
"Thanks."
I smile at her for a moment before asking.
"Do you want to go to the Planet of Knowledge?"
"Hmmm... I don't really feel like reading right now, sorry."
"Thats okay, maybe another time."
Thats too bad.
Hm... Maybe i should go ask the mortals about this love i feel for her.
I think to myself, so i say.
"I'm going to go somewhere, i'll see you later."
"Sure, Han, see you later."
She says, waving me goodbye when i fly away.
I reach a random planet.
I recognize it, but it looks more developed since i was last here.
There are cars, but there aren't really any good phones, so i think they'll know.
I fly down to the planet through a forest, and i walk over to the nearest city.
I go to a place they call a bar and i sit down next to a random man.
I ask for a water, since i like water more than any other drink.
"Why are you at the bar, when you're not going to drink?"
The random man next to me asks, so i respond in his language, saying.
"Alcohol does nothing for me. I'm only here to think."
"I see, what you thinking about?"
He takes a sip of his drink.
Looks like beer.
"I'm trying to figure out how i feel about this girl."
"What do you mean?"
"I love her, but i'm not really sure how."
"Explain a bit more."
"So basically, i love her, but the love i feel for her isn't like the love i feel for my wife."
"Thats normal."
"Its also different than the love i feel for my friends."
"Thats... Less normal."
"Its more similar to what i feel for my son, but its still different."
"I see."
"Do you think you can help me out with this?"
"Are you related to this girl?"
"Related? What does that mean?"
"Ya know, is she your daughter? Or maybe your sister?"
"Oh. No, she's just a friend, i suppose. Though, i do like her more than my other friends."
"Hm..."
He takes another sip of his drink, and turns to face me a bit more.
"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"No."
"That explains it."
"What do you mean?"
I'm a bit confused.
The man notices, so he chuckles, takes a sip of his drink and he asks.
"Tell me, do you like teasing her?"
"Yeah."
"Do you also like annoying her and making her mad?"
"Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything?"
He ignores the question, taking another sip before continuing.
"Do you feel like you want to protect her with your life?"
"Yeah? I'm not seeing how this matters."
"If you didn't have your wife, would you have sex with her?"
"Ew, with her? Never."
"Do you trust her with your life?"
"Yes, but how does this matter?"
I ask again, extremely confused now.
The man simply chuckles, shaking his head as he speaks.
"You think of her as a little sister, and you love her that way."
"Really?"
"I mean, you don't know what its like to have a sibling, and you feel differently towards her than you do for your wife, son and friends. You also like to do things to her that people don't like to do with their parents, and you wouldn't have sex with her even if you didn't have your wife."
"... I'll have to think about this some more."
"Take your time, man."
"Thanks."
"Hey, i didn't notice earlier, but how come you look like you invert the colors of anything behind you instead of being your own person?"
At his question, my eyes widen.
I had thought the same thing, weeks ago, and i felt really bad about it.
Thankfully, i learned.
I taught myself that its simply because i'm different from others.
Both physically, and mentally.
I am the creator of the mortals, though they do not know it.
All i can do to respond is nod, smile and say.
"Thats because i'm simply different from normal. Is that an issue?"
"Absolutely not."
"Thank you."
After i say that, i stand up, turn and without anybody but that man seeing, i fly and dissappear.
He'll think i was just a drunken illusion, as he's supposed to.
Elane, week 496.549 of Unyncy in the 147th year of the Age of the First.
Jealousy.
Its Elane today.
I wasen't supposed to be doing anything today.
I didn't feel like it honestly.
But an hour ago, my friends told me to come and play with them.
So i did.
If they want something, i'm unable to refuse due to how persistent and stubborn they are.
No matter what i do, no matter what i try, they refuse to give up.
So, here i am, playing catch with them using a literal universe.
I'm not doing too great, honestly.
I'm not sure how to explain this, but i feel... weirdly... alone, i guess?
Like they all have a certain thing with eachother that i don't.
Eldur and Vai like to fight a lot, but in a playful way.
Beatha, Alivu, Ko and Krijim read a lot together, because they share the same taste in literature.
Bletz and Jikan like to experiment with their powers and combine them in certain ways because they move in sync better than anybody i've ever seen.
Veritas, Asama and Fursena are simply attached to eachother, like they cannot exist without eachother on a level that tracends spirituality, like its in their roots to be dependant on eachother.
But then there's me.
I'm... alone, in that regard, i think?
I wish i shared something like that with someone...
I'm starting to think i'm the least important of everybody i know.
I'm not sure why.
I created them.
Brought them together, yet for some reason i can't get the thought that i'm unneeded here out of my head.
Should i just... leave?
Let them be?
Is that why my creators left?
I don't know what to doanymore.
Just as i think that to myself, Asama nudges me on my shoulder, pulling me out of my thoughts and she questions me.
"Hey, you okay?"
"Huh?" I ask, not catching her question.
I turn my head to her, but then i realize its not just Asama.
Fursina is here too, and she's also concerned.
"She asked if you're okay."
"Oh. Yeah."
They don't say a word.
They simply stare at me with a mixture of confusion and concern.
"What?"
"..."
"Asama?"
"..."
"Fursina?"
"..."
"..."
Ko tosses the universe to us, and Fursina hits it towards Eldur whilst Asama keeps her attention on me.
"Why aren't you saying anything?"
"Because you're lying to us."
"I'm not."
I am lying.
I'm not okay.
"..."
"I'm not lying."
I'm lying.
"Hanten."
"Yeah?"
"Stop."
Huh?
"Don't pretend you don't know what i'm talking about."
"I'm not."
I am.
"Stop."
"..."
"Why do you..."
"Stop."
"Answer my question."
Shit.
Shit, shit, fuck.
I was too obvious.
I can't explain this.
I don't want to seem odd.
I don't want them to feel bad for me.
Fuck.
Just then, Fursina jumps back in.
"Hanten, answer us."
"Answer what?"
"You know what."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You do."
"Please just let it go."
"No."
They're refusing to let it go, insisting on knowing why i feel this bad.
"Do i have any choice at all in this situation?"
In responce to my question, they both speak at the same time, saying "No."
"Oh."
"Yeah, so explain idiot."
Fursina says, giving me a small, warm smile.
"..."
"We're waiting."
Asama adds with a nod.
After she says that, i simply turn my head away and i close my eyes for a bit.
"..."
I don't speak, i don't move, i don't look.
I don't want to, but i don't have a choice.
I take another moment before turning my head to them and i nod and speak.
"Come with me."
"Alright."
"Okay!"
After they agree, we all wave goodbye to the other divinities before i gently grab the women by their arms and i teleport them, and myself to my home on the orb.
Once we're on the orb, we walk to my couch and we sit.
Fursina is on the left, Asama is on the right, and i go to sit down in the centre but then Fursina and Asama both stop me and they both say "Lay down."
"Huh?"
Fursina takes charge of the conversation, and she says "Its easier to talk about feelings when you're more comfortable, is it not? So lay down."
"But how? You two are already sitting, there isn't enough space for me here."
In responce to my question, Asama simply chuckles and says "Dude, you can touch us you know?"
Fursina nods, and she says "So just relax and lay down. Put your head on my lap and your legs on Asama's, or the other way around. Whatever you like more."
After she talks, she gives me a small smile and a nod.
I stare at them both for a second before doing as they say, putting my head on Fursina's lap and i rest my legs on Asama's.
This is indeed quite nice.
When i'm comfortable, Asama nods and says "There, better isn't it?"
"Yeah."
"Good. Now that you're comfortable, tell us what's bothering you so much."
I stare at the two for a moment before taking a deep breath and i nod.
I proceed to explain my feelings in detail, explaining how and why i feel the way i do, and whats on my mind.
They simply listen.
They don't stop me even once to try and deny something, because they also know that its true.
Atleast, thats what i think, which immediatily gets proven wrong when Fursina says "You're everything to all of us."
"Uh huh." Asama agrees, and she continues "The reason you're not part of a particular sub-group of our group is because you're part of all of them."
In responce to those words, Fursina nods and adds onto Asama's words, saying "Yeah. You created all of us. We owe everything to you. We'd never leave you out of anything or try to go against you."
"But thats the issue."
"I don't want you to look at me as a creator, or a higher being, or someone you owe."
"I don't want to be above you."
At my words, both Fursina and Asama look at me with wide, confused eyes, and Asama says "I'm not following..."
"What i'm saying, is that i want a friend, not a subordinate."
Fursina, in responce to my words, simply leans down and holds me.
She doesn't speak, doesn't deny anything, doesn't try to defend herself, she simply holds me in silence.
She gets it.
She felt that way too before befriending Asama, who she used to be rivals with.
She understands everything.
I forgot this feeling.
This warm, welcoming feeling that i feel whenever Beatha holds me.
I missBeatha.
We just stay like this for hours on end, not saying anything, not doing anything, not moving.
Eventually, the two girls apologize, and i apologize for letting it grow in me without saying anything for the past one hundred years.
I'm finally able to put a name on this emotion.
Jealousy.
From this day onward, i will no longer let my jealousy cloud my vision.
I don't have to be part of some small, special sub-group of people who specifically click with eachother more than others.
I don't have to be jealous.
I don't have to feel bad about it, because i'm equally as important to every single one of them as they are to me.
Thank you, Fursina, Asama, for helping me realize where i stand.
I promise i won't let my jealousy come between me and youall.