"Why did you try to hold my hand?"
He looked away.
"You know how I feel about that…I…"
"Shut the fuck up!" Antoine yelled.
"What-"
"You always care what other people think! You always care that they'll say this, they'll say that…eveything. Why the fuck, are you so obsessed with looking good?!"
"I…you don't understand."
"I haven't experienced what you have, of course. But at the end of the day, we're boyfriends. We're lovers."
"And what are we in other people's eyes?! Friends. And I want it to stay that…way…"
He clenched my shirt and brought his head on my shoulder.
"How…can I love you…when all you care about is what other people think?"
"That's not all I care about. That's not…what I am…I'm just scared…"
"You're scared of people leaving you, but what about me?…"
I stared into his eyes.
"I know…you're not gonna leave me…"
I inhaled.
"Right?…"
I gasped and broke into a cold sweat. I lifted my body up. Antoine was sleeping peacefully, looking like an angel with his golden hair shining in the moonlight. I sighed.
"Tomorrow, we're going on a date," I whispered, "a real one this time."
*
"This is where you wanted to go?…"
The fresh scent of loafs and sweet treats filled the air. The shelf in front of us was loaded with pastries lined up, savoury, and sweet.
"Yeah…I love this place."
His smile brightened his eyes. While he muttered his order to the waiter, I stared at him in silence, and reached my hand towards him. Our fingers touched and his eyes widened. My fingers crossed with his, our palms touching. It was a warm gentle touch that sent my heart racing like crazy.
He leaned his head towards me. His breath tickled my ear, and my eyes widened.
"I love you."
He pulled away and grinned widely. I stared at the ceiling, dazed.
"Uhm sir?"
"Ah, yeah! I'll just get what he's having."
*
We walked out in the park. Sunlight slipped through the sheets of leaves. The warm wind tickled my skin as we treaded on, still holding hands, like we've never done. I stopped and leaned on the railings of the bridge. I admired the shimmering rivers in silence.
"Kavya?"
"Yeah?…"
"Did you…like the place I picked out?"
I smirked.
"Of course."
My eyes moved towards his lips. There was a slight dop of custard on his lower lip.
"You have something on your lips."
He reached towards his lips.
"Here?"
"No…Can I clean it off?…"
"Uh…sure…" he stuttered.
The tip of my finger touched his chin. He blushed and closed his eyes. I leaned in and kissed his lips gently. Pulling away, I licked the custard off of my lips. His eyes widened.
He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed my body.
"I love you so much."
"Ah…me too."
High heels clicked distinctly near us. I looked around. Nobody…except for people jogging nearby and bikes racing around. I let go of him, but held onto his shoulders while looking around once again. No sounds except wind and water. Strange.
"Kavya."
I flinched and brought my gaze back to him.
"Y…yeah?…"
"You wanna head home now?"
"Uh…sure. We can go to my house."
He looked away.
*
"So this is your fucking boyfriend, huh? I can tell why you fell for him, he looks like a chick."
I clenched my teeth and walked away.
"Hey. Listen to your older brother when he talks to you. You haven't been answering my calls."
"Why would you call me?"
"We're all concerned about you."
"Even after what you've done?"
"…Kavya. I-"
"Shut up and get out of my sight."
*
I slowly opened my eyes and glanced at the alarm clock. It was midnight now.
But he wasn't by my side.
I stepped out of my room and rubbed my eyes. His shadow wavered slightly in the moonlight behind the patio door. As I stepped in front of the door, my hands slid it open and the cold breeze pushed itself onto my face.
He turned back, his face darkened. His frown deepened but his eyes softened.
"You can't sleep without my embrace," he laughed, "like always."
"…are you okay?"
"Like you'd care. I'm fine. Don't worry about it."
"Ah…"
That's right. I've usually been selfish.
"Did…something happen? You don't seem like yourself."
"I could say the same about you."
I sniffed a faint smoke coming from him. An ash tray was placed on the glass table.
"I thought you quit smoking?" I asked.
"I did."
His body flopped onto the low chair and he manspreaded his legs. He let out a groan and stretched his arms.
"Come here."
My hand gripped the chair next to him. In a moment, his arms grabbed me and I flopped onto his lap.
"Ah?…"
"What's wrong?"
"We usually don't hold onto each other like this."
"Hm? Do we?"
His sweet pheromones released into the air, more intensely, with a slight bitterness to it. He just smoked, but I could still smell it.
Usually, it was alphas, but the pheromones intensity could be strong emotions.
"Antoine, are you sure there's nothing?…"
"…yeah. If you can't sleep, don't you want to be held."
My face flushed.
"I know what you're insinuating. I won't do it while you're mad."
His hand slipped under my shirt. I yelped and grabbed his hand. His pheromones got more intense.
"Didn't you hear me?!"
"I'm not mad."
"Yeah right. And I'm not awake right now."
"…"
His lips pressed against my neck. I gasped and my lips trembled in response. He knew my weak spot. His tongue brushed unto my skin. I huffed and reached for his hair. My fingers brushed through his hair. He stopped. His head rested on my shoulder and he let out a tired sigh.
"Another day. For now, tell me what's wrong."
"…I can't."
"Why?"
"Because…"
He didn't finish his sentence.
"Because what?"
"I can't tell I told you."
"You can tell me anything."
"How am I supposed to tell you anything if you don't tell me anything?!"
I paused and closed my mouth.
"You won't even tell me…ugh…never mind."
I fell to my knees and put my head on his lap.
"Alright, I'm sorry for asking, really…Please tell me when your ready."
"Hah…"
My eyes widened. Did he just…laugh at me?
Do you find me pathetic?
I gripped onto his legs and stared into his eyes.
"I…I'll tell you the truth then." I said.
His eyes widened.
"I…"