A wise man once said: "Examine yourself three times a day." How can you be friends with someone if you don't trust them?
Natsukawa Kanade never thought the day would come when he would have to reflect on that. He never felt he was insincere with his friends... until today. Until he faced himself for the first time and made such a personal request to Shiina.
It wasn't an honest act. Not because the request itself wasn't, but because it was born from a selfish idea. Perhaps Shiina wouldn't see it as something bad, but he knew that what he had done came from his own desires.
He tried to limit her freedom. Control how she dressed. Control how she behaved.
And all because of a dress. A flashy one, yes, but elegant. It wasn't that big of a deal. But Kanade didn't want anyone else to see Shiina like that. He didn't want them to approach her. He didn't want someone to fall for her. He didn't want her to drift away.
He was afraid. Afraid of losing her. Afraid of her making new friends. Afraid of her no longer paying attention to him.
But as a friend, shouldn't he be happy for her?
He couldn't.
The thought of someone else taking her away hurt him. Of course it would be better if they were a couple, but even as friends... he wanted to keep that closeness forever.
He thought a lot. And what he thought most about was this: did he really love Shiina?
Was it love? Was it his first love? His white moonlight? The person for whom he had changed so many times?
He wanted to be with her. He wanted her attention. He wanted her approval. He wanted to stay by her side forever.
But then... why did he feel so relieved when she rejected him?
Isn't first love supposed to leave a mark on you forever?
Isn't it supposed to be that if you love someone, you love them from beginning to end?
Then why did he start noticing other people so quickly? Why did he think about Eriri, about the older one, about the others?
Was it all fake? Was it all an illusion?
Or had he just not realized what was truly in his heart?
Maybe it wasn't love. Maybe it was just affection. Admiration. Dependence.
He liked parts of them. Shiina's sweetness. The older one's passion. Eriri's complexity. Yukino's firmness. Kaguya's seriousness.
But not the whole people. Just fragments. Just what was comfortable for him.
And that isn't love.
"…"
Yes. It wasn't love. It was attachment. It was need. It was fear of being alone.
"…"
—Shiina…
Kanade looked at her. She was sitting beside him.
—Hmm? What is it?
—There's something I want to tell you. Please listen.
Shiina didn't reply, but her serious expression gave him permission.
—When I met you, I liked you.
"…"
—I liked your way of being. Your effort. Your kindness. Your strength…
"…"
—I liked everything about you… but not you as a person.
Said as if it were something trivial, Kanade averted his gaze to the television, picked up the controller, and kept playing.
—I'm sorry. The Kanade who confessed to you… wasn't someone who truly loved you.
—I only trusted you. I coveted your tenderness. I wanted to keep you close. I wanted to call you "my partner" and have you stay with me forever…
He was a thief. An impostor. Someone who tried to steal Shiina's pure feelings. He wasn't worthy of her trust. She was right to reject him.
"Game Over" appeared on the screen.
—I'm sorry…
He lowered his head.
Maybe this would be the last time he apologized to her.
How would Shiina react?
Would she insult him? Would she leave? Would she expose him?
It didn't matter. He deserved it.
He remembered his talks with Kato. She was considerate. But even she didn't know what he had done.
He approached everyone with hidden intentions. He invented personalities to please. All for recognition.
Not just Shiina and Kato. Everyone. He had disappointed them.
Or maybe not. Maybe they already knew.
After all, he wasn't that good an actor.
…
—I'm sorry, Shiina. I've been lying to you all this time. You have every right to be angry…
—I am really, really angry!
Shiina threw a pillow at him.
—Idiot! You tell me all this now! You don't trust me at all!
…
Kanade wanted to explain. He had just understood it. He had just begun to realize.
But saying that would sound like an excuse. So he let himself be hit.
—Stupid! Hit this stupid!
Tired of fighting, Shiina threw the pillow, lunged at him, and started hitting him with her fists.
But it wasn't violence. It was something else.
The hits were soft. He could stop them with one hand. Her hair smelled nice. Her body wasn't cold.
—Shiina…
—… Did you ever like me?
Her voice was low. Uncertain.
"…"
Kanade fell silent. Then he shook his head.
—I don't know…
After looking inside himself, he could no longer say for sure.
—Bad boy… I'm glad I rejected you.
—What?
He didn't hear well.
—Idiot. I'm leaving.
Shiina glared at him fiercely and turned around.
"…"
Kanade watched her walk away without stopping her.
He thought: "She still hates me."
But instantly, he received a message.
Get ready for this! Stupid Kanade!
"…"