Basel, June 1941.
I am completely lost, I should never have told her, but if I hadn't told her, it would have been worse. Come to think of it, I have no idea how she would have reacted in the end.
I only know that I risk losing her, she will probably leave and besides, what is keeping her by my side? She has been in the bedroom for three hours now, I even think she is asleep, but I won't be able to close my eyes tonight, that's for sure. I heard her cry for about ten minutes so she must have fallen asleep from exhaustion. I would have so wanted to be near her, to comfort her through all her problems.
But how can you protect someone from evil when you are evil yourself? I regret everything I have done so much, if I could turn back time, I wouldn't hesitate for a single second just to see her smile again like before.
Hours later.
I hear the door slowly open, that sound, so discreet, still woke me from my drowsiness. All I did was imagine how tomorrow would go, all my thoughts were filled with the hope that Ruth would not abandon me. I may have saved her, but the truth is that she is my savior.
The sound of her footsteps is light, but her breathing is heavy and reveals her anxiety. I do not move, I am afraid of frightening her and besides, I no longer have the strength to see the disgust in her eyes, I had enough of it last night.
Through my slightly open eyes, I see her place a note on the living room table before closing the door behind her.
Panic takes hold of me, I grab the note quickly and read what is written on it, "I'm at Suzanne's, wait for me."
A relieved breath escapes my chest, I sit back down in the armchair and finally fall asleep.
Hours later.
The sound of the door closing brings me back to reality, I turn around and see her dressed exactly as she was yesterday evening, she sits down on one of the chairs around the table.
-You didn't go to work?
I had completely forgotten, I'm going to get killed. I'll explain the situation to him, he'll understand, or at least I hope so because without this job we will end up on the street.
-Don't worry about that.
A silence suddenly settles over the apartment, making the atmosphere even more tense than it already was.
-I'm sorry, sincerely sorry for what I did.
-Stop apologizing, it won't change the harm you've done.
-I...
-I'd simply like to understand why, why did you hide all of this from me? she interrupts.
-To avoid losing you.
-But do you realize that it's even worse considering how much time has passed since then?
-Ruth, how did you expect me to tell you? Imagine if on the day of our escape, I had told you that I had killed people. Do you honestly think you would have stayed with me? No, you would have left.
-But where would I have gone? Where did you expect me to go? I'm Jewish, I wouldn't have survived a single second outside your arms. And I hate that idea, having to depend on someone for my survival, but I had no choice.
-I know, I... I didn't kill those people for pleasure, I didn't do it because I was ordered to. I was afraid, so afraid of what was going to happen, of how the rest of my story would unfold. They all looked at me with disgust without even knowing me.
-But Heinrich, you were on their side, how did you expect them to look at you? You were the one holding the gun, not them.
-I know, I don't know what to do anymore, I've done horrible things but please forgive me.
-But how do you expect me to forgive the enemy? Even though I trusted you so much, I... I feel like I've lost hope, just like the day they disappeared.
-You know me, Ruth, you know very well that I would never hurt you.
-Damn it, Heinrich, barely two weeks ago, you killed two men. You took human lives and then came back to see me as if nothing had happened.
-Ruth, what did you want me to do? Let them live? Let them go back to Germany and report that there were Jews in Switzerland? Did you want me to let them live after they hurt you? I do not regret killing them, at least not them. But I know very well that my mistake of murdering Jewish people will haunt me until the end of my days. But try, please, try to understand me. You don't have to accept it, but understand it.
-I can't understand it.
I let out a sigh of exhaustion and fatigue.
-I can't understand it right now, she continues.
-But are you at least staying with me?
-And why should I stay, huh?
-Because I love you.
-Oh please, Heinrich, stop lying!
-How could I lie to you about something like that?
-But why, Heinrich, why? Out of all the girls in that bar, why me?
-I don't know why I love you, from the moment I saw you, I knew. Push me away if you want, but I will never stop thinking about you. We are not the same, but I know that I am not indifferent to you, Ruth, so please, let me love you.
She looks at me.
Her eyes reflect just how lost she is, how she no longer understands anything. Her eyes reflect me. I know how much I am breaking her, but I risk losing my life if she leaves me.
Tears slide down her cheeks, I move closer to her and try to wipe them away, but without success.
-Why? she asks me, tears falling down her face.
-All I ever wanted was to enjoy life, with my family. So why? Why all of this, for what purpose? she continues.
-I don't know.
She lets herself fall into my arms, we both slide down to the floor, she leans against my chest and my shirt becomes more and more damp as the minutes pass. And at that moment, all I want is for time to stop, to leave us there wrapped in each other's arms, crying over the incomprehension of our love.
I don't want to know what will happen in an hour, nor in the next few minutes. I simply want to keep her in my arms for as long as possible.