Jordan changed once he left the clinic. He wasn't the same since they let him go.
It wasn't only the limp even if that stayed, a constant shuffle that made my ribs ache each time I noticed. It went further than that. Lived behind his gaze. The panic had vanished, wiped out in the wreck, swapped with something duller. Sharper.
Angrier.
I got him myself. Took him home to his place by the school, even though I'd suggested almost pleaded for him to crash at mine so I could check on him now and then. But he said no. Insisted he wanted room of his own. Claimed everything was okay.
He wasn't fine.
You alright?" I said while pulling him up the steps. He jerked his arm away from me.
"I can walk, Lina."
"I know, I just...."
I said I had it. His tone felt harsh almost icy. Nothing like usual.
We got to his apartment. It was tiny, just a single room, yet tidy. On the walls hung posters bands I'd never heard of, films he couldn't stop talking about. By the window sat his laptop on a beat-up desk. Stuff you'd expect from any student. Still, everything seemed off.
He plopped down on the couch, one leg stuck straight out. Doctors mentioned rehab could take ages possibly forever. They hinted his movement may stay restricted. Running? Could be done for good.
At twenty two, life's already falling apart yet somehow still moving.
Because of me.
"Need anything?" I said, hanging back near the doorway. Or maybe you're hungry should I grab takeout?
"I'm good."
"Jordan….."
"I said I'm good, Selina." He looked at me and something in his expression made me cold. "You can go now. I know you got business to handle."
"My business can wait. You're more important."
He laughed. Bitter sound. Nothing like his usual laugh. "Yeah? That why you left me in the hospital all night while you went and did whatever the fuck you did?"
He got it. Maybe just a hunch. Still counts.
"I was handling the people who hurt you," I said carefully. "Making sure they couldn't do it again."
"By shooting them? By robbing them?" He leaned forward. "Yeah, I heard. Streets talk, Lina. Everyone's talking about how the Queen of Shadows came down on the Scorpions. How you sent a message."
"And? They deserved it. They tried to kill us."
"WE SHOULD'VE GONE TO THE COPS!" He was yelling now. Up on his feet well, foot leaning heavy on the arm of the couch. "That's what normal people do when someone tries to kill them! They go to the police! They press charges! They don't…" He gestured wildly. "They don't go out and start a fucking war!"
"The cops can't protect us. You know that."
"I don't know shit anymore!" His voice cracked. "I thought I knew you. Thought I understood what you did. But this? This is different. This is...you shot someone, Lina. You actually shot someone."
"To protect you. To protect us."
"I didn't ask you to!" He was breathing hard now. Face flushed. Emotional in a way I'd never seen him. "I didn't ask you to turn into some kind of...of gangster. Some kind of killer."
The moment it landed, it stung sharp, sudden, like a hand across the face.
"Jordan….."
"No." He held up his hand. "I need to say this. I need you to hear me." He took a breath. "I'm grateful you took care of me and Mama. I'm grateful you built something so I could go to college, so I didn't have to struggle like you did. I get that. I appreciate that."
He paused.
"But I can't be part of this anymore. Whatever you're building, whatever empire you think you got, I don't want it. I don't want to end up dead in some alley because someone's trying to get at you. I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder."
Every single term cut deep.
"So what are you saying?" My voice came out quiet. Controlled. "You want out?"
"I want you out." He met my eyes. "I want my sister back. The one who used to help me with homework and take me to basketball games and talk about normal shit. Not this ….this person you've become."
"This person kept you alive."
"This person got me shot!" He slammed his hand on the couch. "Don't you get it? If you weren't in this life, if you were just running your makeup company like a normal CEO, none of this would've happened. Terrence would still be alive. I'd still be able to walk right. Everything would be….."
"What? Perfect?" I laughed. Harsh sound. "You think we'd be safe? You think the world is kind to people like us? We'd still be in the projects, Jordan. Still struggling. Still scared. At least now we got options."
"Options?" He shook his head. "What options? The option to get killed? The option to go to prison? The option to become something we're not?"
"I'm exactly what I've always been."
"No." His voice went soft. Sad. "You're not. And that's the problem."
The quiet dragged on. Filled up with words stuck in our throats things shattered, never fixed. What fell apart hung there, thick as smoke.
"I want a bigger role," Jordan said finally. "In the operation."
Wait. What?
"What are you talking about?"
I'm in seriously, this time. No more standing back while you do all the work. I aim to join in. Figuring out how things run matters to me. Needed to know it mattered. So he hadn't lost movement for no reason
I looked at him. While my mind struggled to understand the words.
"Absolutely not."
"Why not?"
"Because that's not who you are. You're supposed to go to college, get your degree, work for Google or Microsoft or whatever...."
"That's who YOU want me to be." He stood up straighter. Wincing but determined. "That's your dream for me. Not mine."
"Your dream is to be a drug dealer?"
"My dream is to not be weak!" His voice rose again. "My dream is to be able to protect myself instead of relying on you for everything! My dream is to be respected instead of being Selina Vega's baby brother who needs protecting!"
"Jordan, you don't understand what you're asking….."
"I understand perfectly." His jaw was set. Stubborn. "I understand that you don't think I can handle it. Don't think I'm tough enough. Smart enough. Strong enough."
"That's not…."
"Prove me wrong then. Give me something real to do. Not running errands. Not sitting home waiting. Real work. Let me prove I can do this."
I stared at him actually took him in. Noticed how scared he seemed inside. How badly he wanted to show he mattered. Felt his frustration from being handled gently after going through hell no one else could've walked out of.
Yet there was another thing I noticed. It hit harder than a weapon or enemy crew ever could.
I spotted myself back when I was young. That version of me, starved for approval, ready to jump through hoops just to fit in.
The person who picked poorly - yet had solid motives behind each move.
"No," I said firmly. "The answer is no. You're staying out of this."
"Lina…."
"This conversation is over." I grabbed my purse. Headed for the door. "I'll have someone bring you groceries. PT appointments start next week. I already set everything up."
"Don't walk away from me!"
I turned at the door. "I'm protecting you. Even if you're too stupid to see it."
"I don't need your protection!"
"Yeah?" I looked at his leg. "How'd that work out for you?"
A cheap shot. Felt bad right away when I said it. Noticed pain hit his eyes just before rage took over.
"Get out," he said quietly. "Get out and don't come back unless you're ready to treat me like an adult."
"Jordan..."
"I said GET OUT!"
I walked out. What was there to say?
Went downstairs while he shouted after me maybe smashing things, surely sobbing. I just kept going, leaving him by himself, fuming and falling apart.
Got into the car. Stayed put awhile just taking breaths, one after another. Silence filled the space while time ticked slow.
My phone vibrated. Message from Jordan: You won't always get to baby me, Lina. I'm ready to dive into the mess if it comes down to it.
Glanced at the text. Then a chill crept into my gut.
This sucked. Really, it couldn't have been worse.
Yet what was I supposed to do? Open up anyway? Allow him inside expose him to the mess? Watch him turn into me?
No. Never that.
I'd protect him no matter what even if he couldn't stand me because of it.
If it meant losing the last bit of kin I got.
Left his place behind. Putting distance between himself and the rage. Moving fast before those eyes full of bad decisions pulled him back.
My phone rang caller ID blank. Some random digits popped up.
"What?" I answered.
"Your brother's going to be a problem." That voice. The "Friend." "He's angry. Vulnerable. Perfect target for recruitment."
"Stay away from him."
"I'm not the one you need to worry about." A pause. "Dante Cruz has people watching him. Saw the whole argument. He's going to make Jordan an offer."
My blood went cold. "If anyone touches my brother….."
"Then what? You'll kill them? Add more bodies to the pile?" The voice was almost amused. "You can't protect him from himself, Selina. He's going to make a choice. Question is whether you'll be ready when he does."
The connection suddenly dropped.
I stayed put in my ride, fingers trembling on the steering, yet it hit me I couldn't hold things together anymore.
From Jordan. From my kingdom. From all things.
The walls seemed to inch closer.
I had no clue how to halt it.