A trembling pupil is staring into an abyss.
Corpses after corpses, all is silent and all is crumbled.
A beholder can only behold.
You died because of this right Xio?
I guess it is my fate to behold now. After all I can only watch as you slowly lose the heat, essence of life.
I see billion corpses.
At least that is when I gave up.
An old man is laying on the ground, his hand is at his chest and his eyes are bloodshot yet no one is there to help him, hold his hand as he passed away.
I can see a child on the ground.
I don't know what he died from but the maggots are already on his wounds, maybe a blade.
I can see a young boy.
He is on top of a pile of corpses, the flames are melting his skin as the man around continue pouring kerosene on the coprses around.
I remember it all now.
Who I was and how this all began.
I don't blame you Xio I really don't, your love was genuine and something I could never match. This heart of mine was already beating for someone else.
When we met I was already beyond saving. I bumped into her by accident, she wasn't like this back then.
She still had short hair but none of the marks, no dark bags under her eyes, no needle marks on her thighs and arms. I was the reason she fell so deep.
I didn't even know how she looked before pur second meeting. I had to get my eyes removed so that I could live for longer. When I fell back I felt something on my tongue. Sweet yet thick substance, the feeling of sugar wasn't something I expected yet I couldn't keep myself from complimenting.
I helped her gather the mass on the street and apologized before trying to give her money yet she refused. I offered multiple things yet she always refused and started sounding more and more embarrassed.
I found myself asking if I can pay back in any way and then she said yes. She was a baker and inherited the store from her father yet it was rather unpopular and she was thinking about selling dairy based desserts too yet now they have been ruined. She wanted me to help her...a blind person to help her but well before this I told her I sense things around after stating that I could go around and talk to people to convince them to buy her desserts.
I was a waiter the next day. It wasn't as hard as others guessed I just had to keep things balanced and well people seemed to like talking with me as well. After every shift she seemed happier and we started getting more customers.
Ezra was also happy too. After the first day I started getting paid and with the money I started getting her things she liked. At first it was just flowers but I knew flowers are no more than meaningless things that people but to each other because of the capitalism trying to make them seem rare and precious.
I bought her a leather jacket, leather is rare and became hard to get after the war, we lost a lot of animals and insects replaced them. After this I got her a dress. She didn't like it but I liked how it looked on her muscular figure, or maybe I just wanted to see her wearing something different.
I didn't see her for the next two days she was outside guarding a caravan. When she returned I gave her new boots with metal plates. She liked them a lot but with each day I was running out of ideas.
I still blame myself. Even when taking my gifts I could hear her silent cries, I know I am the reason she is suffering like this. I thought about it a lot. If I was no longer there maybe her cries would stop. I turn my back to her every night and cry in that bed with her arms wrapped around me.
Why does she love a corpse like me? I just want her to let go. I would be happier if she stopped loving me. I would have been happier if I knew no one would cry behind me.
The they she broke was the day I lost my leg. I was walking in the office that day with something on my mind. Xio was acting weird as time passed, I didn't know what it was yet every time she looked at me I could see some kind of pain in her eyes. Then my world started spinning and I suddenly fell. I didn't see anything not that I could have but I could feel something wriggling under my skin.
I screamed in pain as I crawled on the ground, I could hear a screeching coming from my leg yet from my own cries I couldn't focus on it.
She came and ripped my leg off with a cleaver. She slammed it again and again and blood splattered around. It was my fault. If I didn't exist things wouldn't have gone this way. She collapsed on her knees and I heard it. Loud and clear her cries of pain.
I hugged and kissed her hoping it would stop...it didn't. I couldn't keep myself from crying either. I have caused more suffering than I should have.
Days passed. I tried my best to show Ezra that I am thankful and I feel better than usual yet every time she spoke her voice carried a type of sorrow that tore apart my insides.
For my last days I tried doing whatever I can. Even with a prosthetic I worked, I drank, I went to dates with her, I did my best hoping that I could somehow make her happy again. I wanted to see the person I love smile with true happiness and not a bitter one.
The office got a new job and it was a simple escort one. One city to another simple as that. She never allowed me to come with her, before all this happened before the day maggots crawled out of my eyes and my world went dark I was a part of the office too.
I heard a familiar voice behind me, shaky, fragile and high.
"Please don't...I am begging you don't leave."
"Sorry Xio I guess...I really am selfish. I just want to see her smile one last time before I..."
She kissed me. I guess that was the time I understood her feelings. I pushed her away and ran, getting up after every fall caused by this disgusting prosthetic.
I grabbed my mechanical gauntlets and sneaked outside behind them. As the merchants loaded up the cargo I got inside one of the carriages that was full and hid myself under the cloth they covered them with.
Using the will hurt as if someone stopping my heart with their bare hands, grabbing it yet I had no choice. I wanted to show her that the man he fell in love with won't die rolling on the ground like a maggot.
It was around a day I guess. I heard sudden shouts and after checking around with my hands I jumped outside. The sand made it hard to stand yet at that moment I felt alive.
I could hear everyone fighting, their locations and movement. It was as if I gained my eyes back, I felt alive. That was when I felt something huge moving towards someone.
I rushed behind the mass, swinging left and right unable to run straight yet with a smile on my face. I was happy.
It tore apart. My heart tore apart in that moment. Ripped apart into pieces yet I slammed my fist. I felt the shell shatter as the shockwave pierced it.
More came. Before I could realize that the blood was filling my insides more and more came.
I ran back in an almost fear yet after two steps all went dark. How long was it I don't know but I heard a voice.
Why?
I am sorry.
I can see it all. At first when I got the tattoo done I got it just because of a late night thought. I didn't deserve all this yet maybe I am alive just to suffer and it is all a loop but now I know it.
Diarmuid's must suffer so that he might one day become a god after devouring our despair and crying in pain. He might become a good that will devour all the biased ones yet.
You did everything you could to save me...thank you Xio. Thank you for staring into the impossible and tearing yourself apart just for someone as worthless as me. I am sorry.
I will tear this false sky down and rip apart his wings. I will make sure he will suffer for our sake in the end.
Let me behold your end with these bloodshot eyes.
I will make sure maggots will crawl in your corpse you worthless fake savior.