The morning sunlight enters the room. I am still half asleep on my bed, but the sunlight is so bright that I couldn't resist it anymore and have to get up from my bed. Then I get up from the bed while rubbing my eyes with my one hand and just see a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I see how many eye bags I have got lately. I have just noticed it now — without makeup I am looking like a horrible doll. Oooo god Zhao Shiza, how will you face Yuan looking like this? He is so handsome, I can't even match him. There are so many pretty actresses than me in the industry, he'll go for them and leave you. I said it to myself, but whatever I said just now is just for the sake of saying it, not meaning it. I said it because this is the way I always overthink and make myself worry about things that really don't even exist. But deep inside I know how my Yuan is — appearance doesn't matter to him. The thing that matters to him the most is love, love that can't ever be expressed in words, it can only be felt by hearts.
A long time ago, when I was in my school days, I had read on Weibo his ideal girl description — that she must be very kind, understanding, and cute. I don't know if that information that I read long ago was right or wrong. Maybe it might not be true, but for me it is.
Then I grabbed my phone from my bed and saw a notification popping up on it, and it's none other than one of the fan pages of him that I follow. Then I opened it and saw that he is going to Chongqing and taking that flight to record a few variety shows and dubbing for his other drama series episodes — that period one. Then I took a deep sigh of relief and said to myself that so he must not be coming to visit me, at least for one day, so he won't be able to know that I am leaving this dormitory until he gets back here. I need to prepare and fix everything accordingly in just one day. I know the time is very less, but for you anything Yuan, anything that I can or even that I can't.
You have such a big career and you are almost every time busy in your work, still I don't even know how you manage to take out time for me and even for chatting with me on WeChat. I really don't know. And I really have a huge doubt — does he sleep or not? Because if he really sleeps then he can't be able to take out time for me. I don't know what exactly it is, but I know one thing — if someone really wants to take out time for you then they definitely will, otherwise there are lots of excuses in the world and everyone is free to make them. But if Xu Yuan, the superstar of the C-drama industry, takes out time for his ordinary girlfriend me, then anyone could. I said it to myself, because now I understand that if you really want to do something then you definitely will, otherwise don't say that "I want to but I can't," because can't only lives when you don't give space to can.
Then I put down my phone back on my bed and walk straight towards the window where a cool breeze is there with the mix of the warmth of the sunlight. Then I close my eyes for a while to let the cool breeze touch my face and inhale the freshness of nature. Shanghai has really reached the start of summer now — summer is not that far away from Shanghai, I said to myself.
Then after taking peace here, I opened my eyes and made myself remember that today is my last day here. The last night was already gone yesterday, and now the last morning here, and at this my favourite spot of the room — this window — and standing in front of it, I really don't know how many times I have stood here every day and expressed myself here. Sometimes to make myself calm, sometimes to share my happiness, and sometimes to share the pain and cry with it. I said all these things while touching that window with my hands, just like by touching it, it takes me back to all those moments that I have spent with it and I am reliving those moments again.
Then I said to myself that Zhao Shiza, now it's time to get ready and leave it here only. Then I got up and changed myself, and after getting changed, my eyes went to the suitcase — the suitcase that I only packed last night before sleeping because I knew in the morning I can't do it. Then I grabbed the handle of the suitcase and was about to leave the room, and before leaving it I turned around to look back at the whole room, just like I am going to capture it in my eyes forever. I looked around the room one last time because I know after that I will never be able to in my whole life. Then my eyes went around the room — its walls, its bed, its study table, the bedsheets and the blankets that I really don't know how many times I have cried on, and it soaked my tears in it, and when I woke up it dried like no one cried on it.
My eyes filled up with tears that I was holding back since last night. I remembered how Wang Ruoxi and I spent our days here laughing, crying, writing assignments, and enjoying together, and today neither Wang Ruoxi nor this room is going to be with me forever. I think people say it right — that everything won't stay with you forever. And see, first Wang Ruoxi left from here, then I, and this room will be closed forever and ever. But it will open again when some students of new batches like us come here to make their own new memories and spend four to five years of their precious life here.
I hope Wang Ruoxi and I have created enough good memories here, and now today when I am leaving this room, I hope our uncountable laughs, our eatings, and the positive energy will stay here forever so that whoever students will come after us will get that positive energy and their journey here for years will become easier and a blessed one.
Then I turned around holding that same tear in my eyes which I didn't let fall, but it's still there, and I touched the knob of the door to go out from it. But then I remembered one thing that bàba always told me. Since childhood, I am not a person who accepts changes in life very quickly — I take time, and sometimes time alone also doesn't work for me. So bàba told me that, "Xiao Shiza, we need to move forward from our past things. I know that it hurts the most leaving the previous one behind which has lots of memories of us, but we need to, because if we didn't then how will we be able to make new memories with the new one? For something new to come, we need to leave the previous one, because together they both can't live."
"And sometimes — not sometimes, every time — this change is very important for our body, our mind, and our little Mr. Heart, because this change makes our mind open, our body feel good, and our Mr. Heart at ease. So for going to your new life and leaving behind your previous life, it's very important and necessary, because if we can't then how will we be able to know what the coming new one holds for us? Maybe it will be better than the previous life of ours. We need to make a place for it because it really holds lots of good things in it that we can't imagine right now, because right now we are just in the pain of leaving the previous life, our eyes filled up with tears for leaving it, so we can't see what the new life holds for us. And for knowing it, we need to leave the previous one to make a place for the new one, because if we don't then we will never be able to experience or know what it holds for us."
"And this is the lifecycle of life that we all need to follow, like first my Xiao Shiza was born, then she becomes five years old, and now she is fourteen years old — just like that."
And my bàba's advice that I reminded myself of at this time really worked for me, and now I am leaving my old life behind me and hoping to walk forward into a new life, wishing that it carries peace and happiness in it. And I know very well where my happiness lies.
Then I exhaled sharply and one last time again I looked around the room and said to it that now I am leaving you with some memories and lots of good and positive energy behind me in you. I hope you'll fill them up with the new ones who will arrive here. I hope you accept them and make good memories with them the same way like you did with Wang Ruoxi and me.
And then I closed that door forever. It might get opened in the future, but not for me — never. And here my journey in this room, in this dormitory, and in the Shanghai university has ended successfully. Great, Zhao Shiza, you have completed this phase of life, now let's see what future and that new life holds for me.
Then I moved from there and went out of the dormitory, and standing in front of the gate, then I heard a voice — a familiar one — which is none other than Mr. Wang, our former professor who gave us lectures and most of them were bunked by me and Wang Ruoxi.
He came near me and said that Zhao Shiza, you are leaving today. I nodded my head.
"Good to have students like you, so when you'll come back after months for taking your degree on convocation day, which will be held after a few months, then meet me. I have a job for you. I can give that job to you right now, but the position I am thinking for you is currently occupied by someone else. But don't worry, that someone else is going to leave that job after a few months, and it's that person's own decision — I didn't do anything for my student, don't think like that."
I smiled and said, "Why should I think like that, Mr. Wang? And I am really glad that you think like this for me, but do you really think that I deserve you?" I asked him, doubting myself a little.
Then he said, "First stop doubting yourself. You are my student, I have taught you, I know your strengths and weak points, and I have full confidence in you. You'll surely pass the interview and deserve that position. And the most important thing — stop doubting yourself, ok?"
He had a lot to say to me, but his phone rang in the middle of our conversation and he needed to go.
"Ok, I'll be going. I'll give you further information for the interview process later. Stay connected with me on WeChat," he said and left from there.
Then I also held the handle of my suitcase and went away from the dormitory, and while walking on the roads I thought that so my job is about to be set after months, so there is no doubt about it. But for these months till my convocation day — where do I live? A hotel will be very costly for that many months to stay. So should I do some part-time job or do an internship for a few months in any design firm till then? I really don't know which path to take, where to go.
But the most important thing right now is to find a place to live, as I don't have a place to spend my night today. I just came out of the dormitory without preparing anything, but I think this is really the way that I live, which seems quite irresponsible for everyone, but not for me, as this is the normal way Zhao Shiza lives — without thinking anything, just doing whatever comes in front of me, thinking about today without worrying about tomorrow.
And then I stopped somewhere and sat on my suitcase, thinking all these thoughts in my mind while putting my head down and holding it with both my hands… and then suddenly, after a while, a voice came from behind and then...