The-Boy-Who-Headed-Three-Houses thought about that as he walked over to a wooden valet chair and hung his dress robes from the attached hanger. There was a tie rack for his tie, and a separate hanger for his white dress shirt. He threw his undershirt into a nearby clothes bin, then sat bare-chested on the valet chair so that he could pull off his boots. Harry was beginning to wonder where his girlfriend had gone off to when the tent flap was pulled back and daylight spilled into the dimly-lit room. He turned towards the tent flap and smiled.
"Sorry for the delay," Hermione said, "but I thought it best if I reconfirmed departure and arrival times with one of the house elves."
Harry pulled off one of his boots as he asked, "Are we going somewhere, then?"
Hermione shook her head as she dropped her bag onto a nearby side table. A smile formed on her lips when she spotted the messed-up bed linens, but she kept the conversation on-track by coyly replying, "Going somewhere? Not right away. Some when, on the other hand…"
"What?"
The Muggleborn witch giggled as she pulled her wand from her beach bag and cast a Tempus spell. "Okay, it's four in the afternoon. We will be departing the beach at five."
"So, we've got an hour to ourselves, so long as Gabby behaves?" Harry asked.
"More or less….or more," Hermione coyly replied.
Noting that Harry was having a bit of trouble slipping off his boot, she squatted in front of him and grabbed the heel with both hands. She had a passing thought that her lack of attire, subservient squat, and intended actions might be more appropriate for a concubine than a girlfriend. This thought was reinforced when her fingers grazed over the oversized rings on Harry's right hand.
"Three?" Hermione asked in a near-shout, leaning forward to get a better look at Harry's new jewelry. "So House Potter, House Black and House…"
"Peverell. Could've been worse, actually," he noted with a sigh.
"Sounds like you've got quite the story to tell," Hermione noted.
Harry nodded his head and let out a sigh. "A story, unfortunately, that'll probably take a full hour to tell and dissect."
"Then it's a good thing we've got more time than that," Hermione stated, as she shifted her grip back to his boot heel.
"Thought you said we're due back at the house in an hour's time?"
Hermione leaned back and pulled the boot free from Harry's foot. She then placed that sock-covered foot in her barely-covered lap and gave it a good squeeze.
"I said that we were due back at five," she noted. "I didn't say anything about that being an hour from now…at least not for us."
Harry's eyes widened as he reached up and grabbed the small hourglass that dangled from his silver necklace.
Hermione nodded in agreement as she pulled off Harry's socks, then leaned forward and reached for his belt.
"So," he asked, "We're going to be the ones that messed with the bed linens?"
His girlfriend waggled her eyebrows. "Unless you want to have opened your present somewhere else?"
Harry shook his head as rose from the valet chair and pulled Hermione back to her feet. He then grabbed the back of her head and pulled her into a fierce snog, which left his girlfriend's hands free to undo his belt and unfasten his trousers. Harry's boxer shorts hit the floor a few seconds after those trousers, giving Hermione full access to bare skin. She gave his growing erection a squeeze, then broke away from Harry's embrace.
"Just a second," Hermione said, as she retrieved her beach bag and pulled out the white man thong that she had picked from his mail-order catalog.
Turning towards Harry, she did some obvious ogling of his naked body, with most of her focus on his bits. Hermione shrugged, then tossed the man thong over her shoulder.
"Doubt it would fit right now," she explained, as she approached Harry and reestablished a firm grip on his erection.
Harry looked down and covered his girlfriend's hand with his own. He gave that hand a playful squeeze and cheekily asked, "So where exactly are you afraid it might not fit?"
Hermione's laughter broke the sexy/sultry mood that she was trying to generate.
"Oh, this will fit, alright," she said. "Only question is how long."
"You mean you can't tell right now?" Harry joked.
"I meant how much time, boyfriend!" Hermione chided. "And don't you dare say anything less than nineteen minutes!"
Harry laughed. "So now you've got irrational confidence in my endurance?"
Hermione shook her head and pressed her lips to his. "No, silly," she said, once she pulled her lips back. "I have lots of rational confidence in your recovery rate."
Harry chuckled as he extended the silver chain long enough to fit over both of their heads. He then grabbed the hourglass and asked, "So how does two hours sound?"
Hermione smiled as she guided her boyfriend's other hand towards the front of her thong. She leaned into his fingers and purred, "Tack on the extra real-time hour and it'll do…for now."
"Happy birthday to me!" Harry said with a smile.
His girlfriend was going to say "Me too!" but then remembered something far more practical and shouted, "Jeepers, Mr. Peabody!" as they groped two hours backwards.
oo00OO00oo
The freshly-showered couple opened the bathroom door and walked hand-in-hand back into the tent's bedroom area a few seconds (and also a few hours) after they had disappeared from that very same space.
"And in the epic battle between virginity and time…virginity lost!" Harry quipped, raising their hands in victory. "Merlin, I love my time turner."
Hermione rolled her eyes as she pulled her hand back and called for one of the Delacour house elves. The house servant popped in, and took almost no time at all to clear the air, change the sheets and make the bed.
"Excellent," said Harry, as he plopped down onto the duvet. "Now we can mess them up all over again!"
"We will do no such thing," Hermione chided. "Just because the Delacours pay their house elves wages and treat them well doesn't give you the right to make extra work for them!"
"Okay, okay!" Harry said defensively. He swung his feet off the mattress, reached out, and tugged on Hermione's robe sash. "So it's back to the lav for some more shower sex?"
Hermione pushed Harry's hands away and whined, "I've unleashed an animal!"
"Is that a complaint?" Harry asked.
His girlfriend chewed on her lip for a moment, then shook her head.
"It's more like a request to let my insides rearrange themselves back to normal," she admitted.
Harry chuckled. "Fair enough…I know we have other things to do over the next hour."
"We do?" Hermione asked. "I thought we decided that we had covered what we could about the Lord Slytherin mess?"
"We did," said Harry, as he undid his sash knot and let his terrycloth robe slip to the ground.
Hermione eyed his bare bum suspiciously as he turned and walked towards the corner of the room.
"What exactly do you have in mind, then?" she asked.
Harry responded by reaching down and retrieving the man thong that Hermione had tossed over her shoulder before they had turned back time.
"I'm hoping that it doesn't take an hour to figure out how I'm supposed to wear this banana hammock," he replied.
"It shouldn't." Hermione said with a laugh. She walked over and began to help him with some manual adjustments that threatened to test his ability to fit inside the skimpy garment. He let her play for a few moments, then gently pulled her hands away from his crotch and placed a gentle kiss on her lips.
"Let's get yours on now, and head outside," he suggested. "I'd like to see first-hand how much difference there is between Weasley Beach and the real thing."
Hermione giggled as she pulled her thong bottom from her robe pocket. "That's easy…the real beach has two less weasles, one more Gabby-Cat, a lot less supervision, and a lot more skin."
"Sounds like a fair trade to me," Harry reasoned.
A few minutes later, Harry and Hermione were walking hand-in-hand along the surf line, as Gabby-Cat showed them all of the best places to find sea shells on her family's stretch of beach. It was a good opportunity for Harry to start to get accustomed to the local beach attire. And it was almost as much fun as opening presents.
oo00OO00oo
Harry was scrubbing the beach sand off of Hermione's back and wondering what kind of attire would be appropriate for his not-quite-a-surprise party, when one of the Delacour house elves popped onto the cabana's shower room and settled the issue. Hermione squeaked in surprise and reflexively spun into Harry's chest.
He looked over Hermione's shoulder and asked, "Erm…can I help you?"
"There is someone up at the house who wishes to speak with Lord Potter," the house elf replied. "I've brought some appropriate clothing."
"Oh, well…thanks," said Harry. He then asked. "So the appropriate clothing is something different than what I was wearing earlier this afternoon?"
The house elf shook her head. "No, Lord Potter…Bernie thought that would be very appropriate and instructed me to make sure that those robes were cleaned and pressed."
Hermione glanced back over her shoulder, and (once she confirmed that the house elf was female) mustered up the courage to turn around and squat down to the servant's level.
"But you said that you brought appropriate clothing?" she asked.
"Yes, Mademoiselle Granger," the house elf replied. "I brought clothing that Bernie says is befitting of Lady Potter."
Hermione arched an eyebrow. "And why would it be appropriate for me to dress like Lady Potter when I'm not Lady Potter?" she asked.
The house elf smiled and said, "Bernie says Mademoiselle needs the practice."
The house elf popped away before Hermione could formulate a befitting response.
oo00OO00oo
The cooling charms on Hermione's regal-looking dress robes could do nothing to control the flush on her cheeks when they returned to the main house. Her mother and Apolline Delacour were waiting for them at the main entrance, with knowing looks in their eyes and wide smiles on their faces. Hermione would have tried to wipe that smile off her mum's face with a few choice words about privacy, age of consent, and being addressed as "Lady Potter," had Fleur's mum not immediately announced that their guest was waiting for them in the same parlor where Harry had gained Canadian and NAC passports earlier that morning. The appropriateness of that location bore out when she led them into the parlor and introduced them to the same NAC attaché who had provided those passports.
"Good evening, Mr. Potter…Miss Granger," the official said. "So sorry to have intruded on your birthday celebration again, but I assure you that it shouldn't take much of your time."
"Not a problem," said Harry, as he gestured towards a cluster of furniture.
A house elf popped up and took drink orders while the three sat down (Harry and Hermione next to each other on a couch, with the official on a chair opposite).
"So I've been asked by my colleagues in London to ask your opinion about a situation that came up earlier this afternoon," the attaché stated, as he removed a folder from his briefcase. "Someone that you know tried to apparate onto the grounds of the United States Embassy."
Hermione gasped. "Oh, what were they thinking?" she asked. "So was his first name Fred or George?"
"It was Severus, actually," the official replied.
Harry broke out into laughter…partly in relief that it wasn't the Twins who had gotten into trouble, and partly in disbelief over who had.
"Severus Snape?" he clarified.
"Yes, I'm told that he is a teacher of yours at Hogwarts?"
"Well he's a professor, at least," Harry quipped. "Can't say that the man actually teaches."
Hermione cleared her throat and gently prodded her boyfriend's side with her elbow.
"What…am I wrong?" Harry asked.
The official smiled. "Well, getting some background information about the man's character was one of the things that I was asked to do."
"Don't get me started," Harry cautioned.
Hermione shook her head. "If you don't mind me asking, Sir…was this some sort of group attack, or a solo attempt?"
"The latter, Miss Granger," the official replied. "The entire situation was rather bizarre…he was intercepted at the ward line, of course, and searched. Some of the items in his possession were highly…unusual."
"You might need to define unusual," Hermione noted, "Snape's a potions master, and some of his potion ingredients are rather…"
"I understand completely, Miss Granger," the official stated. He opened his Muggle notebook to a different section and asked, "Have you ever known him to use bits of endangered tiger as an ingredient?"
"Tiger?" Hermione asked. "What, like a Bengal tiger?"
"Sumatran, actually."
"Snape tried to apparate into a U.S. Embassy with bits of a Sumatran tiger in his pocket?"
"No, it was a whole Sumatran tiger, stolen from the London zoo and transfigured into a plastic toy replica."
"What the hell was he doing?" Harry wondered.
"Language!" Hermione chided.
"Yes, Milady," Harry quipped (earning him another elbow).
"Do you have any idea why Professor Snape was trying to gain access to the embassy?" Hermione asked.
The attaché chuckled and shook his head. "Well, to be honest, it might have been accidental. He had bits of parchment in his pocket with street address for the zoo and the embassy. We know that he was within the tiger exhibit when he attempted to apparate into the embassy…"
Hermione's eyes widened. "Are you saying that there is a way to magically determine the originating point of an apparition?"
The official smiled. "Not that I'm aware of. What I'm saying is that he splinched during the attempt and the parts he left behind…so to speak…were found by your Ministry people inside the tiger exhibit."
Hermione asked, "Inside the viewing area of the exhibit, or…?"
"In with the tigers, actually," the official replied.
Harry laughed out loud at the thought. "So…what did Snape leave behind for the tigers to chew on?"
"He left his behind, behind," the attaché quipped. "I understand that the tigers didn't mangle his buttocks too badly…apparently, the smell was too off-putting, even for them."
Harry laughed so much that his face was turned red.
"HA HA HA…that's so brilliant, so….and here you were, apologizing for intruding upon my birthday party," he told the attaché. "You, Sir, have given me…well, if not the best birthday present I've received today, then certainly the funniest!"
"That's heartening to hear, Mr. Potter," the official said with a smile.
While Hermione certainly thought the situation was humorous, it wasn't so mind-numbingly hilarious that it shut down that part of her mind which was analyzing all of the bits of information that the attaché had just provided. When combined with other information that the embassy probably wasn't aware of, a startling realization sprung forth.
"He was on the hunt, Harry," she concluded.
"Wha…?"
"It must have been why he was in the zoo, and tried to gain access to the embassy."
The laughter died in Harry's throat as his girlfriend's logic soaked in. He turned towards the attaché and asked, "This might sound like a really odd question, but…did anyone in that embassy happen to run across a strand of hair with a magical tracking charm attached to it?"
The embassy official's eyes widened. "Funny you should ask, Mr. Potter…they did locate such hair…it was inside of the transfigured tiger that Snape was carrying in his potions ingredient pouch."
Harry let out a deep breath. He turned towards his girlfriend and said, "You're right, Hermione…just like you always are."
His girlfriend shrugged, and patted his arm. He then asked her to fill the embassy official in on whose hair that was, and who had applied the tracking charms (and why), while he stepped out of the room for a few minutes.
He waited until he was back in the main entrance before calling for a Delacour house elf that helped track down Bill. Bill confirmed that he had written down "A foreign embassy" on the list of potential wild hair hiding spots, but had given that list and most of the hairs to Chokebar. He then reminded Harry that Chokebar had told them that Dobby the house-elf had helped in the distribution process. That led to a second conversation with a Delacour house elf, and with Apolline Delacour herself. She was quick to approve Harry's request. And that was why, twenty seconds after that approval, Hermione and the NAC official heard a very loud cry of anguish and regret.
They both turned towards the opened doorway, but couldn't see anything or anyone who could explain what had happened…until Harry rejoined them a few seconds later.
"My apologies for the disturbance," he said, as he sat back down next to Hermione. "I've got some answers, though."
"Who was that crying?" Hermione asked. "Almost sounded like Dobby."
"That's because it was Dobby," Harry explained. He then turned to the official and told him that a very excitable but very loyal house elf had placed one of his tracking-charmed pubic hairs within the Tiger Territory's supply of refrigerated raw beef. He was in the middle of theorizing that the transfigured tiger had swallowed that hair during his breakfast when the Stars and Stripes suddenly appeared over the attaché's head and dropped down on top of him.
"What the hell?" the embassy staffer asked, as he pulled the U.S. flag off of his head.
Dobby the house elf popped next to the attaché and said, "Dobby is very, very sorry for causing troubles for the embassery and the Great Mister Lord Harry Potter Blackie Peverell, Sir! Dobby be leaving now…"
"Dobby, Wait!" Harry shouted.
The house elf popped away from the embassy official and instantly popped in front of Harry.
"Yes, Great Mister Lord Harry Potter Blackie Peverelly, Sir?"
Harry gestured towards the flag and asked, "What is this?"
"Dobby be returning the Great Harry Potter, Sir's hair and the embassery's wavy flag."
"Are you saying that you hid the hair in the U.S. Embassy's flag?" Hermione asked.
"Yes, Mr. Harry Potter, Sir's Grangie," Dobby replied, nodding his head vigorously.
The attaché quickly followed-up. "And you are also saying that you just popped over to London, entered the embassy, and retrieved this flag?"
"Oh, no, Mr. Embassery man," Dobby insisted. "Wavy flag be flying from rooftoppy pole. Dobby not be needing to enter the embassery to fetch it just now."
The official winced at this response, and pressed his fingers against his temples.
"The security implications are….so was that the second time you were at…or above…the U.S. Embassy?"
"Yes, only second time, Mr. Embassery man."
"Did any one happen to notice you, or try to stop you?" he asked.
"Dobby not be thinking so, but Dobby can be popping back and asking if you want Dobby to."
"No, that's quite alright," the man said. "If it's possible, though…can you fold this flag up for me?"
Dobby snapped his fingers, and the flag flew off the wizard's lap and folded in mid-air into a neat triangle.
"That's better," the wizard said, as the folded flag drifted back onto his lap.
During this flag folding Harry finally spotted the single strand of hair that was now resting in front of him on the coffee table. It really felt off for him to pick it up and wave it around, so he pointed and asked, "This is the tracking charmed hair, then?"
"Yes, Mr. Harry Potter Blackie Peverelly, Sir," Dobby replied. "Would you be liking Dobby to be retrieving the other hairs from all of the Shittertons and Titty Hillies?"
Harry stared open-mouthed at the house elf, then slowly shook his head.
"No, you can leave them there for now," he said. He then looked down, reluctantly took hold of the hair in front of him, and carried it over to the parlor's fireplace. A quick incineration charm eliminated the possibility of that hair being traced back to Chateau Delacour's location.
The embassy official stood up as well, placed his folder into his briefcase, and tucked the folded flag under his arm.
Harry said, "You're more than welcome to stay for dinner, if you like."
"Thank you, but perhaps another time…I have a lot of work to do and phone calls to make back at the office," he noted.
"I imagine so," Hermione stated, as she too stood up.
As they headed for the door, the official asked, "And parting advice on what we should do with Snape, then?"
Harry shook his head. "He can hang, for all I care."
The embassy official chuckled at the choice of words.
oo00OO00oo
Back in London, an administrative assistant was called in to mind a still-splinched prisoner while a junior security officer joined the search for a missing flag.
She tried not to stare, but couldn't help herself from looking through the one-way mirror at the naked, stretched-out and manacled wizard. His shorts had slipped off because he no longer had an arse to hold them up. But he didn't seem to mind, or to even notice that he was now naked; all of his focus was on the toy tiger in front of him that was poised to pounce, just as soon as the transfiguration wore off.
Snape stared.