Chapter 3: Harry's Harem
Harry?" Sirius looked like hell.
"Hey Sirius," Harry waved to his godfather. "Wanna go see my house?"
"House?" Looked like all those years in Azkaban might have taken their toll.
"Yup," Harry nodded. "Come on."
"Ok," Sirius shook his head and followed Harry out of the great hall.
Meanwhile, down in the dungeons, Snape had wet himself. After wetting himself, he felt a terrible chill go up his spine . . . something bad was going to happen. The last time he had felt that chill it had been right before he went on that canoing trip in Georgia without his wand, on the plus side he had managed to grow back his arms and legs, on the minus . . . to this day he still heard banjo music whenever he got close to a dementer.
"And this is the entrance to my part of the castle," Harry motioned proudly. "Well . . . one of them anyway."
"How did you get your own part of the castle?" Sirius looked down at the boy in shock, "I thought you'd be in Gryffindor."
"I asked the hat to give it to me," Harry replied. "Come on."
Harry led his godfather into his unnamed house and the two of them spent several hours going over the story, note: if you really want to know what they talked about go back to chapter one and start reading again. Then when you get to this part, just skip over it and start reading again.
"Is that all?" Sirius had tears going down his cheeks.
"Well . . . no," Harry shook his head. "I forgot to tell you about the harem that I'm planning to build."
"Harem?" Sirius looked down at his godson in awe, "you're eleven years old and you're building a harem."
"Well I'm not really eleven," Harry smiled.
"Forget about all the time travel stuff," Sirius waved off the objection. "And answer the question."
"I'm planning ahead," Harry shrugged. "I may not be able to do much with a harem now, but I'll be glad I took the time to build it in a few years."
"I'm so proud of you," Sirius crushed Harry in a hug. "My godson is sooooo manly."
"What?" Harry wasn't expecting this reaction . . . well actually, he was expecting this sort of reaction from Sirius.
"You're mother would be so proud of you," Sirius smiled. "Her manly little boy."
"WHAT?" This he definitely did not expect to hear, well . . . no, no he didn't expect to hear this.
"Your mother could be a bit odd," Sirius shrugged. "She would have killed your father if he considered it but she would have been dancing and waving flags if she knew that you were doing it . . . she came from an odd family and I think she got this idea from her cousin."
"Cousin?" Harry perked up.
"Yes cousin," Sirius confirmed. "And now we shall never talk about that again."
"But?"
"Never again," Sirius replied firmly.
"Ok," Harry shrugged. "Do you want to be my head of house?"
"Ok," Sirius nodded. "What do I do?"
"Make everyone's life a living hell," Harry nodded then added after a moment of thought. "And help me build my harem of course."
"Can I have a harem?" Sirius rubbed his hands together.
"What would my mother have said?"
"She said that only her manly little boy gets a harem," Sirius drooped. "I asked . . . every day . . . at least fifty times."
"I'm sorry," Harry patted Sirius on the shoulder sympathetically. "But I can't go against my dead mother's wishes."
"I know," Sirius nodded.
"But maybe we can use the whole bad boy ex-convict thing to pick up chicks for one night stands?" Harry tried to cheer the man up, "that way it wouldn't be a harem but you'd still be seeing lot's of women."
"Can't do that either," Sirius shook his head. "Lily thought of that too."
"Wow," Harry was amazed. "Did she do nothing but sit around and think of ways to make your life difficult?"
"Yeah pretty much," Sirius nodded. "I think it's because I slipped James a potion that turned him into a woman on his wedding night . . . or maybe it's because I took James to Vegas and got him engaged to those strippers . . . could have been the time I had James arrested for indecent exposure and had him sent to a Turkish prison for a week . . . or maybe it was because . . ."
"I get it, I get it." Harry nodded, "but why didn't you do all this to Snape?"
"Snape was in the hospital that month," Sirius shrugged.
"Oh," Harry nodded. "Why was Snape in the Hospital?"
"We tricked him into thinking that he won an all expenses canoeing trip to Georgia," Sirius began to giggle. "Then we stole his wand."
"How did that put him in the Hospital for a week?" Harry frowned.
"I'm not sure how," Sirius began. "But somehow he managed to lose his arms and legs and for some reason his greatest fear changed from werewolves to banjo music."
"You learn something new everyday," Harry nodded. "Well, I think you should know the rules of my house."
"RULES?" Sirius almost fainted, this didn't sound like something his godson would say.
"Yup," Harry nodded. "The first rule is that no one can know the name of our house, that is so we can keep telling Snape it's other things to trick him into taking points off his own house."
"Strict but fair," Sirius nodded. "Continue."
"The second rule is that we don't tell anyone the rules," Harry added. "That way we can make up new rules on the fly to make other people's lives more . . . interesting."
"I . . . I think I can live with that," Sirius nodded as he braced himself for the worst. "What else?"
"The final rule is that Harry's Harem belongs to Harry," Harry nodded. "So no one else gets it."
"What about the other girls in your harem," Sirius frowned.
"They're in the harem," Harry shrugged. "So that rule doesn't apply to them."
"I suppose I understand," Sirius nodded. "So . . . how are you going to make me your head of house?"
"I'll ask," Harry replied. "And when Dumbledore turns me down, I'll chose someone far worse Bwahahahahahahahaha."
"Good evil laugh," Sirius applauded politely.
The next day, Harry led Sirius to the great hall and looked around with an evil smirk on his face.
"EVERYONE,' Harry shouted. "I Have An Announcement To Make."
"What is it Harry?" Dumbledore had a feeling that he knew what was coming, he also had a plan to deal with it . . . .bwahahahahahahaha (and even in his head, his evil laugh had nothing on Harry's).
"I've decided to make Sirius Black my head of house," Harry replied.
"I thought you said that only people that have been in your house could be the head of house?" Dumbledore smirked.
"There are a couple of exceptions to that rule," Harry held up a finger. "One of them is to spend several years in Azkaban prison."
"I see," Dumbledore nodded. "But I'm afraid that he can't be a Head of House because he's not a teacher."
"Oh," Harry nodded. "Well . . . there is another exception, but I don't think you'll like it."
"What is it Harry?" How bad could it be?
"You have to be a Dark Lord," Harry replied. "Preferably one that has been cast out of his body and forced to live a spirit by drinking the blood of the innocent."
"I'm afraid we don't have one of those on the staff either," Dumbledore smiled, "why don't you just let Minerva be your head of house?"
"But you do," Harry walked to the defence professor. "Lord Voldemort, would you be willing to be my head of house . . . I don't want to be a Death Eater and I'm certainly not going to take the dark mark but I think your constant inept attempts to kill me will make my life more interesting."
"What?"
"What?"
"What?"
"Wha . . ." Let's just say that a lot of people said 'what' and skip to the next part.
"Accio Turban," Sirius added helpfully.
"Kill him," Voldemort ordered from his spot on the head.
"Yes master"
"Does this mean that you won't be my head of house?" Harry had a sort of confused look of disappointment on his face. "Guess that means that I don't have any use for you."
"Arrrrrg," Voldemort screamed as Harry burned his host body to death with his bare hands . . . again.
"Looks like you have an opening for a Defence Professor," Harry made a mental note to loot the dead professor's rooms later. "And since Sirius is free . . ."
"Fine," Dumbledore nodded. "He can be your head of house and the defence professor.
"Yay," Harry raised his fist in the air. "Let's go have a drunken house party."
"Harry," Sirius interjected a voice of reason. "You're in first year, you can't get drunk."
"Rule two forty seven dash five," Harry replied smugly.
"Oh . . . right," Sirius nodded. "Never mind, you can get drunk."
"Yay," Harry and Sirius rushed out of the room.
And Dumbledore had a feeling that he was going to regret not insisting that Voldemort become Harry's head of house.
"That was fun," Harry chuckled. "Wanna go do some looting?"
"Sounds like a plan," Sirius nodded. "Let's go."
The two of them walked up to the defence classroom and into the professor's office.
"Doesn't look like anyone's cleaned this place for quite some time," Harry glanced around in shock.
"Hey," Sirius pulled a parchment out from under a pile of books. "It's my homework from first year."
"How'd you do?"
"Failed," Sirius shook his head. "The professor said he never got it and didn't give me any points . . . let's get revenge on him."
"Didn't you already get revenge on him?" This didn't sound like his godfather.
"Yeah," Sirius nodded. "But now I have proof that he was wrong so I want to get even more revenge on him."
"Ok," Harry nodded. That sounded more like the godfather he knew.
"What do you think this is?" Sirius held up a strange thing.
"I don't know," Harry shrugged. "Just toss it all in a box or something so we can pull random things out without people asking where we got them."
"What?" Sirius had an odd look on his face.
"It's like this," Harry began. "We may or may not need some sort of strange item in the future right?"
"I suppose," Sirius nodded.
"And if we just show up with something, people are going to ask where we got it right?" Harry asked with a grin, "they'll want to know when we had time to go buy it or where we were able to find such a rare item."
"That sounds like things people would wonder," Sirius shrugged.
"Well," Harry waved his hand. "Now we have the perfect excuse, if people want to know where we found all that gold . . . we just tell them that we found it here."
"If people want to know where we found that odd spell to turn Snape into a woman," Sirius smiled. "We found it here, you're right Harry . . . that'll certainly keep people from pointing out plot holes."
"Now let's go do something else," Harry nodded. "Since we've already established that we've looted everything of value and put it . . . somewhere."
"Great," Sirius laughed. "Don't you have class?"
"I've been skipping them," Harry admitted. "All except for potions."
"Why?"
"Because I like to torment Snape," Harry shrugged. "It's nice to have the shoe on the other foot in at least one life."
"I suppose," Sirius nodded. "I meant why have you been skipping your other classes?"
"Oh," Harry nodded. "Well, stealing the Philosopher's stone and proving your innocence took up a lot of time. Besides, it's not even the end of the first week."
"Suppose you're right," Sirius nodded. "Now run along to potions, you don't want to be late do you?"
"Actually I do," Harry nodded. "It'll give Snape an excuse to try to take points off my house."
"And you have another way to trick him into taking points off his own house," Sirius nodded. "Well get to it."
Harry took his time getting to the potions class room and Snape looked ready to explode when he arrived.
"Do you know what I learned Mr. Potter?" Snape asked in a controlled voice.
"Well . . . I'd say it wasn't how to bathe," Harry rubbed his chin. "Give me a hint?"
"I learned that Slytherin is deep in the red when it comes to house points," Snape's voice heated up. "Do you know why?"
"Is it because your students are inbred bigots?" Harry asked with a grin, "or because the other houses have grown tired of your rampant favoritism?"
"NO," Snape shook his head. "It's because there is no Slythereen house, you tricked me into taking points from my own house."
"Would I do something like that?" Harry shook his head, "I'm hurt that you would imply such a thing."
"What Is The Name Of Your House?" Snape knocked over several delicate potions brewing on his desk.
"Snape's bunch of idiots," Harry replied. "I didn't think you'd ever figure that one out."
"TEN THOUSAND POINTS FROM SNAPE'S BUNCH OF IDIOTS," the Potions Master screamed. "NOW EVERYONE GET OUT."
"Man," Harry shook his head as he walked out of the room. "Did they get it wrong when they said that his house was known for being cunning."
Harry wondered around the school causing havoc and in general making everyone's life difficult when he heard an interesting conversation.
"She's in the girl's bathroom crying," some random girl said to the other. "Poor Hermione."
Harry stopped listening at that point, marveling at how strange it was that with all the things he changed there was still one thing that stayed the same Harry shook his head in wonder.
Shrugging his shoulders, Harry began walking towards the girl's bathroom . . . he had a harem to start.
"Hermione?" Harry called out as he entered the bathroom.
"Go away," the girl sobbed.
"What happened?" Harry hovered over the girl nervously.
"I don't have any friends, everyone calls me a know it all." Tears were pouring down the girl's cheeks, "maybe I should just go home and be normal."
"Remember what we talked about on the Hogwarts Express?" Harry took the smaller girl in his arms.
"Yes," Hermione nodded.
"Remember what's on pages two fifty two and two fifty three, the fold out?"
"Uh huh," Hermione nodded. "Several witches and one wizard in a harem scene."
"Well," this was it. "I'm starting a harem, would you like to be the first girl in it?"
"Aren't we a bit young for that?" No matter how old she was, Hermione was still Hermione.
"I'm planning for the future," Harry replied.
"Would I get to move out of Gryffindor?" Hermione made an unladylike snort.
"Of course," Harry nodded. "As a member of my harem you would automatically be in my house."
"Ok," Hermione nodded. "How do I do that?"
"Well," Harry took a moment to think. "I suppose that we'd better get the house elves to move your things into my wing of the castle and I guess I should tell you the house rules."
"What are the rules?"
"The most important ones are that no one ever learns the name of our house or about the house rules," Harry replied. "That allows to torment Snape and to make up any rules we want to mess with the professors."
"Ok," Hermione hiccuped.
"You're building a harem?" Myrtle announced her presence.
"Yup, t's too bad you're a ghost," Harry looked up at Myrtle. "You'd make a great addition to my harem."
"Really?" Myrtle asked with a wide grin.
"Yup," Harry nodded.
"Well," Myrtle's smile widened. "There is an incredibly illegal ritual that will bring me back to life so that I can join your harem."
"Why should I perform an incredibly illegal ritual?" Harry frowned, "granted it'd be nice to add you to my harem but, well prison scares me . . . especially after what happened to uncle Vernon."
Myrtle smirked as she leaned over to whisper into Harry's ear.
"Really?" Harry's eyes widened.
Myrtle whispered a bit more.
"I didn't even know that was possible," Harry developed a blush.
Myrtle whispered a few more things and pulled away, "well?"
"Illegal ritual here I come," Harry's smile couldn't get any wider. "Just remember your promise."
"Ok," Myrtle nodded. "I'll be waiting."
Six hours later, three crimes against nature, fifteen separate laws broken each enough to put the guilty party into Azkaban for life and a duck . . . Myrtle was alive, sort of.
"I thought you said you'd be alive again?" Harry blinked.
"I am . . . sort of," Myrtle shrugged. "It'll just take some time before I get to the point that I was when I walked in here."
"I guess that makes sense," Harry nodded. "Let's go to my part of the castle, I'll introduce you to the other girl in my Harem . . . now I have two."
"Ok," Myrtle shrugged. He was a little weird but being in his harem was better then being a voyeuristic ghost.
The next day Harry walked into the Great Hall with a girl on each arm.
"Why aren't you at your house table Ms. Granger?" McGonagall approached the strange trio with a feeling of dread.
"She's a member of my Harem now Professor," Harry replied with a smirk. "So she's not in your house anymore."
"Not in my house?" McGonagall was close to tears, this would lower the collective GPA of her house by at least five points.
"That's right," Harry nodded. "Have a good day."
"Wait," McGonagall called after him. "Who's the other girl with you?"
"She's another member of my Harem," Harry explained after all he didn't really have anything against McGonagall. "If you want in, you'll have to take some elixir of youth."
"That's ok," Minerva wondered off in shock.
"Hmm," Harry hmmed and then called out. "Well, the offer's still open if you change your mind."
"Why did you just offer Professor McGonagall a place in your Harem?" Hermione asked with a frown.
"Well it's like this," Harry smiled. "I've seen pictures of her when she was younger and I have some elixir of youth."
"Oh," Hermione nodded. "I guess that makes sense."
The weeks past and the the torment of Snape continued.
"Ten points from your house," Snape glared.
"What house?" Harry blinked.
"The one that you're in," Snape growled.
"You're going to have to be more specific," Harry smirked.
"Ten thousand points from . . . those idiot Slytherins," Snape sighed he really hated this kid.
The next week
"Fifty points from anybody named Draco because he's a dumb little bastard." Snape purpled.
And the next week still.
"A thousand points from . . ."
"Yes?" Harry leaned forward.
"From the bottom of my heart," Snape looked ill. But on the plus side, he did beat the sexual harassment suit Harry filed after that class.
And before anybody realised it, school had ended for the year.
"Harry," Dumbledore called out nervously. "I'm going to have to insist that you go to your Aunt's house this summer."
"No," Harry shook his head.
"I'll stay hold the train and stay here with you until you change your mind if I have to," Dumbledore took a lemon drop. He had to remain firm, he had to show the boy who the boss was he had to . . .
"I laced your lemon drops with a potion to keep you more . . . shall we say, regular." Harry smirked, "I figure it should be kicking in about now . . . I was only trying to help, I figured a man of your age . . ." Harry watched as Dumbledore made a mad dash back to the castle.
"Well that takes care of that," he nodded to himself. "Back to business."
Chapter 4: Three Blacks and a Lovegood
"Welcome Home Ron," Molly hugged her youngest son. "How was school."
"It was great," Ron replied enthusiastically. "I had all sorts of wacky adventures."
"Wacky?" Molly shook it off, "tell me about your friend Harry."
"Well," Ron smiled. "Despite the fact that I wasn't mentioned in the story until now, Harry and I had a lot of fun together."
"Oh," Molly smiled. "Maybe we can have him over this summer."
"No," Ron's eyes widened and his head shook in denial. "We can't!"
"Why not?" Molly was confused by her son's attitude, "I thought he was your friend."
"He is mum," Ron nodded. "My best friend, but it wouldn't be a good idea to invite him over."
"I'm sure he won't mind that we don't have much," Molly tried to assure her son.
"That's right mum," Ron nodded. "He wouldn't care at all about that, I'm worried about Ginny."
"What's wrong with Ginny?" Molly had an odd look on her face, "I'll have a talk with her and tell her that she's not to bother Harry with her crush."
"That wouldn't work mum," Ron shook his head. "He'd have her added to his harem by the end of the week."
"What?" Molly did not expect to hear something like that.
"The only solution I can figure is to keep them apart," Ron added. "I've taken the liberty of doing a bit of research, now it means that we won't be able to buy any new school supplies . . . or any used school supplies but hear me out."
"Ok," Molly was sure that she was either in a dream, or possibly that her son had gone insane. Either way, it was best not to provoke him.
"I found an isolated all witch boarding school in the middle of Siberia," Ron smiled. "You can only get to it by using a portkey charmed by the head mistress and it's under some sort of charm that prevents you from finding it unless you've been invited by the headmistress. Now I'm sure that if we send Ginny there and never let Harry know that this school exists that we can keep Ginny out of Harry's Harem."
"What?" Molly was sure of it, the pressures of being away from his mum had driven poor Ron over the edge of insanity, she blamed herself for not going to visit him every week. "Let's go home dear, we'll get you a quiet place to rest and then you can tell me more about this plan to keep your sister isolated from anything male."
"Not anything," Ron protested. "Just away from Harry, he's a great guy but he has an odd obsession with building a harem."
"Lot's of boys have that," Molly patted Ron on the head. "And none of them ever succeed."
"Not Harry," Ron protested. "He's already got two in his harem and several other girls are seriously considering it."
"Whatever you say dear," Molly turned away from her youngest son and towards the twins. "I'm really proud of you two for behaving yourselves, I didn't get a single owl."
"We know," Fred gave a depressed smile. "Nothing we did could have surpassed what they did."
"We turned Snape's hair gold and scarlet and he just looked at us and told us he wasn't falling for that trick again," George looked like he was going to burst into tears. "And then . . . and then . . ."
"He gave us points and started cackling," Fred shook his head. "He said that . . . I, I can't go on."
"You poor dears." Molly was sure of it, her children had gone insane because of separation issues. Those books had warned her that sending her sons off to boarding school would give them abandonment issues, she knew she should have moved the family closer to Hogwarts so that she could come into the castle every day and give them their morning hugs in the great hall . . . but what if it wasn't just her sons? What if all the children were suffering from abandonment issues . . . those poor dears.
Around the British isles, most every student of Hogwarts had a sudden and unexplainable feeling of dread . . . something bad was going to happen.
Molly's resolve firmed, she was going to save all those poor children from loneliness and insanity. She . . . she may have been too late for her own sons, but she wasn't going to let another mother go through the same heartache that she was suffering.
"Hello Mother," Percy joined his family. "How are you doing today?"
"Oh Percy," Molly's arms enveloped her four sons and pulled them close and she started sobbing. "It's ok boys, mummy's here now, mummy will make it all better."
The boys were stunned at their mother's reaction, looked like having Ron going away from home had a profound effect on the poor woman. They hated to think of how she'd react when it was time for Ginny to leave. Silently catching each other's eyes, the four brothers nodded to each other. They would have to find a way to keep their mother from sinking into a deep depression.
IIIIIIIIII
"Mum, dad." Hermione rushed to her parents, "I missed you."
"We missed you too honey," Hermione's father smiled. "How was school?"
"You seem to have gotten past that rough start," her mother agreed.
"Well," Hermione smiled. "I've made some new friends and I've joined a harem, it's great."
"That's nice dear." Hermione's father smiled, he'd figure out what 'harem' really meant later. "Tell us about your friends."
"Well," Hermione smiled. "There's Myrtle, she's also in the harem. She used to be a ghost till Harry figured out a way to bring her back. And there's Harry, it's his harem. He started it because . . ."
IIIIIIIIII
"What'd you wanna do this summer Harry?" Sirius asked with a smile.
"How about taking the alias Mr. Black and traveling around the world?" Harry suggested, "I can have all sorts of adventures and convince everyone that I'm some sort of super man."
"Maybe when you're older," Sirius smiled. "Next suggestion."
"How about we go to Gringotts and do some sort of inheritance ritual?" Harry nodded, "then I can find out that I'm the Lord of Azkaban or something and start building up my Army for the final confrontation with Voldemort."
"That's been done already," Sirius shook his head. "Besides, why would you want to go to Azkaban? That place really sucks, take my word for it."
"We could get a spell that allows us to unlock our Past Lives," Harry smiled. "Then I could gain all sorts of cool skills but never use them."
"No," Sirius shook his head. "Just . . . no."
"Ok," Harry frowned. "I've heard that there were some quarter Veela going to a magical school in France."
"Where are you going with this?" Sirius frowned, this could ruin the plot planned for one of the later chapters.
"Just making conversation," Harry shrugged. "How about we free the Malfoy's house elf? That way I won't have to deal with him trying to save me this summer."
"Sounds like a plan," Sirius nodded. "Let's go."
IIIIIIIIII
Sirius and Harry approached the Malfoy Mansion singing a happy tune and carrying several gallons of gasoline. (Sung to the tune of Micky Mouse)
"Fire, Fire, Fire, Fire"
"Burn, Burn, Burn, Burn"
"Light a match and watch it drop into the gasoline," Harry began.
"G A S," Sirius began.
"O L I," Harry took up his part.
"EEEE n," Sirius smiled.
"Gasoline"
"Let 'em burn"
"Gasoline"
"Watch 'em melt"
"Let their ashes waft into the air"
"Air"
"Air"
"Ai . . ."
"What are you doing?" The head of the Malfoy family interrupted their cheerful song.
"Hey cousin in law," Sirius gave the man a big hug. "How ya doing?"
"Get off me"
"We're committing Arson," Harry chipped in. "Wanna help?"
"No I don't want to help," he reached for his wand. " I want . . . what are you doing?"
"Light the match and watch it gleem," Harry ignored the man and tossed the match into one of the larger puddles of gasoline WUMP.
"Arg," the head of the Malfoy family began casting fire suppression charms. "Look at my outfit."
"Looks ruined," Harry nodded.
"Catch," Sirius drenched the man with the flammable liquid.
"Yay," Harry lit another match.
"Get that away from me," Lucius began tearing off his clothes and throwing them as far away from him as possible . . . and right into the hands of a dozen house elves.
"Hey Dobby," Harry looked down at the small group of house elves in shock. "Are there any more elves working for the Malfoy family?"
"No Harry Potter sir," Dobby shook his large head.
"Do all you elves wanna come work for me?"
"Yes Harry Potter sir," the elves nodded.
"Then let's get out of here before the Aurors arrive," Sirius suggested with a grin.
"Sounds like a plan," Harry nodded.
"We can hide out with my cousin Andy," Sirius suggested. "They'll never think to look for us there."
"We don't have to hide out," Harry reminded his god father. "We arranged air tight alibis before hand."
"Oh yeah," Sirius nodded. "Let's visit my cousin anyway."
"Ok," Harry nodded. "Let's go."
Sirius, Harry, and a dozen or so house elves popped out of the Malfoy Lands and reappeared in front of a nice looking house.
Walking forward with a grin, Sirius knocked on the door.
"Yes?" The door was answered by a young girl with pink hair, "what is it?"
"What's up Nym," Harry pulled the girl into a hug. "I'm Harry and this is your cousin Sirius . . . wanna be in my Harem?"
"I'm a harem by myself," the Girl smirked. "Do you really think you could handle me?"
"I could handle you all day if you let me," Harry nodded. "Should I put you down as a maybe?"
Harry spent a quiet summer and committed relatively few felonies as he was distracted by his many attempts to convince Tonks to join his harem.
"Fine," Tonks agreed towards the end of the summer. "I'll join your harem, now will you stop bothering me about it?"
"Just as soon as you officially join," Harry nodded. "I'll send over the paperwork."
"Great, whatever." Tonks liked kids but this one was just weird, "why do you want me in your harem so much anyway?"
"Lot's of reasons," Harry replied. "You're beautiful and smart and I like you."
"Oh," Tonks nodded. "You just think I'm beautiful because I change myself to look that way, I'm sure you'll find . . ."
"No," Harry shook his head. "I think you're beautiful because I've been watching you shower."
"What?"
"You really should get into the habit of checking for monitoring charms if you're going to be an Auror," Harry nodded.
"So you've seen the real me?"
"Yup," Harry nodded. "And I liked what I saw."
"Ok," Tonks nodded. "I'll be in your harem."
"Yay," Harry cheered.
"But first, I'm gonna beat the living snot out of you." Tonks began chasing Harry around the house, "put monitoring charms in my room? Watch me shower? Get back here you little brat."
Harry managed to escape with minor injuries and decided that it would be prudent to go to the station early rather than risk setting Tonks off again.
"Hermione," Harry called out when he noticed the bushy haired girl on the platform. "How are you?"
"I'm great," Hermione gave Harry a hug. "Let's go find a compartment."
"Ok," Harry nodded.
They got on the train and found a compartment with only a small blond girl reading an upside down newspaper.
"Can we sit here with you?" Harry called out in greeting.
"If you want," Luna blinked, "aren't you that strange boy who burst into my house and saved my mother a few years ago?"
"Yup," Harry nodded. "Wanna join my Harem?"
"Will there be pie?" Luna's nose scrunched up.
"If you want," Harry nodded again.
"Ok"
"Just tell the hat that you're in my harem when you put it on," Harry suggested. "Oh, and ask it if it wants to be my deputy head of house?"
"Ok," Luna went back to her newspaper.
Harry smiled, the first day of school and he had already doubled the size of his harem. This was going to be a great year.
The three spent the ride talking about Harry's harem and debating the existence of Nargles and only stopped when the door to the compartment opened.
"Potter," Draco glared. It was time for the traditional Malfoy walk around the train to annoy the other students.
"Draco," Harry greeted the boy like a long lost friend. "Just who I've been wanting to talk to."
"What?" This wasn't the way it was supposed to go.
"Could you introduce me to your mother?" Harry smiled, "she'd make a great addition to my Harem. Yum yum gimme some."
"Stay away from my mum Potter," Draco screamed nervously.
"Come on Draco," Harry pleaded. "She's hot, and what about your aunt Bellatrix? Can I have her too?"
"I'm telling you to stay away from my mum and my aunt too." Draco stared at the other boy in shock. "And don't try to burn my house down again."
"Fine," Harry nodded. "I won't try to burn your house down . . . if you give me your mum and aunt."
"WHAT?' Draco's eyes widened.
"If you're going to be so difficult about this then you can leave," Harry crossed his arms. "And I'll just talk to your father about this."
"Fine," Draco scowled. His father would straighten things out.
As Draco left, Harry started digging around for a quill and some paper. Writing out a quick note, he handed it to Hermione.
"What do you think?"
"Hey Lucy," she read aloud. "It has come to my attention that you don't want me to burn down your house, it has also come to my attention that you have a secret room that you'd rather not have the Department of Magical Law Enforcement know about. I want your wife and sister in law as members of my harem and it seems to me that you might be able to think of a way for both of us to get what we want. Signed Harry."
"Well?" Harry asked. "How was it?"
"Simple and to the point," Hermione nodded.
"I think it will work," Luna added.
"Great," Harry smiled this was going to be the best year ever and he couldn't wait to see the look on Draco's face.
IIIIIIIIII
"Lovegood, Luna." McGonagall called out.
Luna walked up to the hat and put it on her head.
"Hmmm," the Hat hmmmed. "Yes, I'll agree to be the deputy head of Harry's house . . . next."
"You didn't say which house you were intending to put Ms. Lovegood in," Dumbledore pointed out.
"She goes into Harry's Harem," the hat replied. "Next."
It took several minutes for the shock to wear off and the sorting to continue. To the surprise of no one, two more girls elected to join Harry's Harem . . . one of witch (Get it? Get it?) was Ginny Weasly.
"NOOOOOOO," Ron broke into tears. He knew he should have tried harder to get his mother to listen, he knew he shouldn't have let her mother him so much this summer.
The twins just slumped further in their seats, how were they ever supposed to compete with this boy? First he gets his own wing of the castle, then he drives Snape insane, and now he has the sorting hat recruiting for his harem? They couldn't win, it was just too much.
IIIIIIIIII
It took a few days for Lucius to send an appropriate response and it shocked everyone.
"Harry," Hermione read aloud. "Deal, they'll arrive by portkey within the hour. Signed, Lucius Malfoy."
"That was easy," Harry blinked.
Minutes later, Narcissa Malfoy and a large steamer trunk arrived in Harry's common room.
"Hello," Harry waved. "Welcome to my harem . . . where's Bellatrix?"
"She's in the trunk," Narcissa explained. "She insisted on traveling this way."
"Oh," Harry blinked. "That was unexpected."
IIIIIIIIII
"Hey Neville," Harry walked up to the other student. "I just wanted you to know that I put Bellatrix Lestrange in my harem."
"How could you," Neville looked at his friend in shock. "She tortured my parents."
"Turns out she didn't," Harry shrugged. "You'd be surprised what you can learn when you use a little Veritaserum and you can learn even more if you use massive doses of the stuff."
"And?"
"And apparently the Lestrange brothers are more interested in each other than they were in Bellatrix," Harry shrugged. "She was too busy cooing over you and planning to raise you as some sort of dark heir to torture your parents."
"Dark heir?"
"Maternal instinct," Harry shook his head. "She saw you and forgot all about your parents, she planned to rename you Orion and to make you into the next dark lord . . . woman's got issues."
"Yeah," Neville blinked.
"Well I just thought you'd wanna know," Harry smiled. "And I thought I'd warn you that she hasn't given up the idea of turning you into the next dark lord."
"WHAT?" Neville's eyes widened in shock, "but I'm not a baby anymore."
"Well she's been asking about you," Harry smirked. "I told her what house you were in and she replied that Mommy's little dark lord was so cunning, tricking everyone into thinking that he had no intention of going on a reign of terror."
"But I don't," Neville protested.
"Sure you don't," Harry smirked. "You don't have to pretend with me."
"But . . ."
"Oh," Harry nodded. "She wanted me to tell you that she expects you to build yourself a harem too and to and she wants to give you the key to the Lestrange vault."
"But . . ."
"She already escaped the other day and made you the sole heir of the family," Harry ignored the other boy's look of shock. "And eliminated the Lestrange brothers to prevent them from being a threat to her little Orion."
"But . . ."
"I recaptured her," Harry assured the boy. "And she's being very well behaved . . . still insists that I chain her to the wall though."
"But . . ."
"She sent a letter to the Slytherin common room," Harry found this endlessly amusing. "Declaring that every girl in the house was yours to do with as you see fit."
"I . . ."
"One would think that there would be some objections," Harry shook his head. "But they all agreed to it, Draco was jealous of course . . . demanded that they all join his harem."
"I . . ."
"So the girls used some sort of spell or potion on him to change him into a girl and told him that he could now have a part in the harem," Harry smiled at the memory. "Took him a while but he managed to change back to normal."
"I . . ."
"But not before Bellatrix added him to your harem, worked out some sort of deal with his mother." Harry laughed. "Now the girls have been trying to find him to change him back into a girl so that she can take her place at your feet."
"I . . ."
"Draco's been hiding though," Harry shrugged. "No one knows where he is but some suspect that he's in Snape's office."
"I . . ."
"Well," Harry nodded. "I'm glad we had this talk, goodbye Nevile."
"I . . ." It took three hours before the shock wore off and the boy managed to reboot his brain
.
Chapter 5: Hundreds and Hundreds
"There's mummy's little dark lord," Bellatrix had escaped again. "How are you doing sweetie?"
"Arg," Neville tried to escape from the insane woman's embrace.
"Awww," Bellatrix kissed him on the forehead. "I hear that you haven't been enjoying your harem."
"You tortured my parents into insanity," Neville protested. "What makes you think I'll urk."
"I killed the bad men who did that," Bellatrix tightened her hold. "They wouldn't give me a baby so I found my own, my sweet little dark lord."
"Huh?" This was not the way he expected the confrontation to work.
"I just came out find that nasty little girl that keeps trying to escape from your harem," Bellatrix patted him on the head. "Then I'm going right back to my dungeon . . . now where is that niece of mine?"
It was at that point Neville started crying, this wasn't the way his confrontation with Bellatrix Lestrange was supposed to happen. They were supposed to fight some sort of evil battle with spells flashing, half the time he visualised her crucioing him and then being defeated after she let up on her curse to gloat. She certainly wasn't supposed to hold him close and tell him that everything would be ok and that . . . she would find Malfoy and force him/her into his harem.
"Don't worry my little dark lord," Bellatrix cooed. "Mummy's charms are much stronger than those of some silly school girls, Draco'll never figure out a way to undo my work." For some reason that Bellatrix couldn't understand, that only made Neville cry harder.
"Hey Bellatrix, Neville, what's wrong?" Harry had been hiding behind the corner watching things develop and he thought it was time to enter the scene.
"My poor little dark lord has a girl who won't enter his harem and he's a bit disappointed," Bellatrix held Neville close. "I chewed through those ropes you used to tie me up to so that I could come out here and comfort him."
"You're the one who asked me to tie you up," Harry shrugged. "But I think I understand, maybe it would be best to just let him capture the girl himself."
"Really?" Bellatrix blinked, "do you think so?"
"I don't know," Harry shrugged. "But I'm guessing that a dark lord of his calabre would let her run and hide for a while."
"That's true," Bellatrix gave Neville another affectionate pat on the head. "He even joined Gryffindor to make people think he wasn't going to start a reign of terror, what a smart little boy he is."
"Um . . . right," Harry shrugged. "Want to go back to the dungeon now?"
"Ok," Bellatrix nodded. "Now be a good little dark lord while mummy's gone."
IIIIIIIIII
Ginny was happy, an entire summer of hearing Ron campaign to have her exiled to an all girl's school in Russia had convinced her that she was pretty and the reason for Ron's . . . issues made her even more happy. Harry's Harem, Ginny blushed, granted she had to share him with several other girls but Harry was hers, her childhood dream had come true.
Ignoring as a sobbing Neville ran by, Ginny gave a letter to one of the post owls and sent it on to her mother.
Behind her, Neville was sending off a letter of his own. His Gran would set things right, she'd figure out a way to keep that crazy woman away from him and to prevent Draco from turning into a woman and ending up in the harem of Neville Longbottom . . . well, maybe just prevent Draco from ending up in the harem.
IIIIIIIIIII
Neville's Gran stormed into the great hall and froze everyone with her gaze.
"What can I do for you Augusta?" Dumbledore smiled.
"Where is Bellatrix Lestrange?" Augusta's scowl deepened.
"I'm afraid that I don't know," Dumbledore confessed.
"You don't know?" Augusta's tone was as cold as ice.
"You can't expect me to know everything," Dumbledore shrugged. "And it's not like she's just going to show up and say, 'here I am'"
"Here I am," Bellatrix walked into the great hall. "Mummy just wanted to make sure that her little dark lord's harem of dark consorts was taking care of him."
Instantly, Neville was surrounded by Slytherin girls who fed him, groomed him, and cuddled him.
"What are you doing?" Augusta asked with a scowl.
"I'm just taking care of my little dark lord," Bellatrix smiled. "He's so cute isn't he?"
"While I do admit that he's adorable," Augusta nodded. "The fact remains that you're still one of the people who tortured his parents into insanity."
"No I'm not," Bellatrix shook her head. "I was to busy taking care of my little dark lord when those bad men did that."
"Really?" Augusta blinked.
"Yup," Bellatrix nodded. "But don't worry, I took care of those two bad men for my little Orion."
"Orion?"
"My widdle dark lord," Bellatrix looked over at Neville with an adoring expression on her face.
"I . . . see," Augusta nodded. "What are your intentions towards my grandson?"
"I want him to have a big harem of dark consorts and to go on a reign of terror so large that his name will be feared for the rest of time," Bellatrix explained.
"Well," Augusta sat at one of the tables and motioned for Bellatrix to sit across from her. "I can't say I don't have problems with a few of those ideas."
"Like what?" Bellatrix sat down.
"Well," Augusta began. "First of all, I'd like him to keep his current name. Why don't we make Orion his middle name?"
"Neville Orion Longbottom?" Bellatrix nodded, "I suppose that sounds good . . . but only if I can still call him Orion."
"Fine," Augusta nodded. "Second, I don't want him to become a dark lord."
"Why not?" Bellatrix was confused, didn't everyone want their children to become dark lords?
"Because the more time he spends on his reign of terror the less time he spends with his dark consorts," Augusta explained. "And I want as many great grandbabies as possible."
"Grandbabies?" A look of delight crossed Bellatrix's face.
"Hundreds and Hundreds of them," Augusta nodded.
"Ok," Bellatrix nodded. "I suppose I can give up my dream of Orion becoming a dark lord if he agrees to provide me with hundreds of grandbabies."
"Neville?" Augusta turned to look at her grandson who was currently buried under a swarm of Slytherin girls.
"Yes Gran?" Came Neville's muffled response.
"You don't have to be a dark lord anymore," she replied. "But on one condition."
"Yes?"
"You have to provide Bellatrix and I with hundreds of great grandbabies," Augusta replied.. "Understand?"
"Hundreds?" Neville sounded faint.
"Yes Hundreds," Bellatrix confirmed.
As he watched this, Ron didn't know what to think. On the one hand, Neville had a harem and on the other they were all Slytherins. Blinking, Ron came to a conclusion. "Better you than me Neville."
"There you are," Molly burst into the great hall. "My poor little Ronnikins, you must miss your mummy so much."
"Ack," Ron was torn from his breakfast and assaulted by his mother's mothering.
"Hey Ronnikins," Flint came over to laugh at Ron's misfortune. "I bet you ack."
"Such a poor dear," Molly latched on to the next boy. "I understand that your attitude is just your way of compensating for how much you miss your mother."
"You . . . you know?" Tears started falling down the Slytherin boy's cheeks, "I miss my mummy so much."
"It's ok dear," Molly patted the boy on the back. "Let it all out, I'm here for you."
"I want my mummy," Flint sobbed.
"We'll write to her after this," Molly promised. "And we'll see if we can get her to come."
"Mummy"
IIIIIIIIII
"So what are your plans now?" Sirius asked with a grin.
"We've got to find a way to trick Lockheart into coming to Hogwarts," Harry replied.
"We could tell him that there's a monster to destroy," the Sorting Hat suggested. "There is Slytherin's little pet in the chamber of secrets."
"Dumb coward wouldn't come near the place if that happened," Harry frowned. "But we could tell him that we already destroyed it, then he'd come to suck out our memories."
"Sounds like a plan," Sirius nodded. "Did you ever get around to destroying that diary?"
"Oops," Harry blushed. "Let's get right to that."
Sirius, Harry, and the hat walked (or were carried in the case of the hat) over to Ginny's room.
"Hi Gin Rummy," Harry smirked at the blushing girl. "It's come to our attention that your diary is a dark object that's being possessed by Voldemort's younger self."
"WHAT?" The young girl glanced at the item fearfully.
"So I'd like to trade you this new diary and a kiss for that one," Harry pulled out a new book. "So we can destroy it and make Voldemort's life a living hell."
"Ok," Ginny nodded. "Now where's my kiss?"
Harry gave her a kiss and exchanged books.
"What're you going to do with it?" Sirius looked down at the evil object.
"Well," Harry began. "I was going to put it in a toilet."
"Kinky," Sirius nodded.
"Exactly, Voldemort's spirit might like that . . . and it didn't work last time." Harry nodded, "so I was thinking that we just subject it to every corrosive and damaging thing we can think of until it gets destroyed."
"Sounds good to me," the Hat agreed.
IIIIIIIIII
"You said that you destroyed a monster snake?" Lockheart asked with a charming grin.
"Yeppers," Harry agreed. "And I'll tell you all about it so you can wipe my memory and take the credit later."
"What?" The handsome man stared at the boy in shock.
"But first I'd like to have an exhibition duel in the great hall," Harry continued. "I want everyone to see why you're the greatest threat to dark creatures since Mr. Black."
"Who?" The boy was obviously insane.
"Lord Pontanious Black?" Harry blinked, "the head of Magical Law Enforcement in 1837, famous for defeating numerous dark creatures."
"Right," the narcissistic man nodded. "Forgot about him."
"Well then let's go," Harry led the man to the great hall.
"Attention everyone," Lockheart called out. "Young Mr. Potter and I am going to hold an exhibition duel for your enjoyment." If he couldn't beat a second year then he'd just tell people that he was going easy on the boy, what's the worst that could happen? A tickling Jinx? Does anyone else see where this is going?"
"Take your places," Sirius had agreed to judge the duel. "And begin."
"I'll let you have the first spell boy," Lockheart's teeth shined. "It's only fair."
"Ok," Harry mustered his powers . . . does anyone not know which spell he's going to use? "Explosivo Castrado."
Lockheart gave a high pitched scream and collapsed to the ground in agony.
"What?" Harry noticed that every eye in the great hall had fallen on him, "I though he was going to dodge or block it or something . . . he was supposed to be a great fighter wasn't he?"
"But who are we supposed to obsess over now?" Parvati and Lavender looked like they were close to tears.
"Well . . . there's always a space in my harem," Harry's suggested. "You're sister can come to if she wants Parvati."
IIIIIIIIII
"That sure was an eventful year," Harry shook his head as he sat in a compartment full of girls. "I hurt Lockheart so bad that he'll never bother anyone again, I destroyed an object that contained part of Voldemort's disembodied soul, and I killed a giant Basilisk."
"When did you do that?" Hermione asked with a frown.
"Yeah, I don't remember you saying anything about that?" Lavender agreed.
"I took care of it right before we all got on the train," Harry replied. "About an hour ago."
"Oh," the girls nodded. "How'd you do it?"
"I cast a hex on it that caused hot soup to shoot out it's nose," Harry replied. "It's one of the darker spells I know . . . would be considered an unforgivable if it weren't for the fact that banning a charm that makes hot soup shoot out someone's nose would make the Minister who did it a laughing stock."
"Why?"
"Come on," Harry laughed. "It's a charm that makes hot soup shoot out someone's nose, how dumb is that?"
"I guess that makes sense," Hermione nodded. "From a wizarding standpoint."
"And the really dark wizards never use it," Harry added. "It's not dignified enough for them."
IIIIIIIIII
"Mum," Hermione ran up to her parents. "Dad, guess what?"
"What is it hon," Her father patted her fondly on the head.
"More girls have joined the harem," Hermione smiled. "I've got lots of friends now."
Over her head, Hermione's mother mouthed the word 'harem?'
'Some sort of club,' her father replied silently.
IIIIIIIIII
"So what do you want to do this summer?" Sirius yawned.
"Let's torment Remus," Harry suggested. "We haven't done that yet."
"What was supposed to happen?" Sirius frowned.
"You were supposed to escape and terrorise the wizarding world," Harry replied in an uninterested tone. "It wasn't very fun."
"Then why don't we spend the summer on a beach or something?" Sirius suggested, "or maybe we could commit some crimes and frame your uncle."
"Why not do both?"
IIIIIIIIII
A bank in London, three hours later.
"Nobody Move," Vernon cried out. "And Give Us All Your Money."
"Yeah," Dudley agreed. "And Don't Try Anything Funny, I'm Crazy, I'll Kill All Of You And Then I'll Do Things To Your Corpses."
"Do things?" The bank manager asked nervously.
"Yes," Vernon nodded. "Do Things."
"But," the manager looked around nervously. "This is a blood bank . . . we don't have any money."
"Oh," Vernon scratched his head.
"I knew I shouldn't have let you pick the bank," Dudley shook his head in disgust. "Where's the nearest real bank?"
"There isn't one around here I'm afraid," the bank manager didn't want to die. "Please don't kill me."
"Ok," Dudley shrugged. "Let's go daddio."
"Don't call me that Dudders," Vernon shook his head. "And let's get out of here."
Vernon and Dudley rushed out of the bank and into a nearby alley way.
"Got the portkey?" Dudley looked around nervously.
"Yup," Vernon nodded. "Did you remember to drop picture id and a current address?"
"You know it," Dudley nodded. "Let's get out of here.
IIIIIIIIII
"YOU DID WHAT?" Remus stared at his friend and his other friend's son in shock.
"Tried to rob a bank," Sirius sighed. "But it was the wrong kind of bank."
"Do you know what could happen?" Remus shook his head, "you could go back to prison."
"Relax," Harry waved off the concern. "The police won't even be looking for us."
"What do you mean?" Remus knew he should have met them at the station, only he could curb their . . . ideas.
"Don't worry about that," Sirius smiled. "We were going to spend the summer in Thailand . . . wanna come?"
"Yes," Remus nodded. "We've got to get out of this country before the Aurors find us."
"Well . . . he agreed," Harry shrugged. "Let's go."
"Ok," Sirius shrugged.
IIIIIIIIII
"We identified the suspects in that blood bank job," Detective RandomGuy tossed a folder onto his partner's desk. "Vernon and Dudley Dursley."
"The untouchable Dursley family?" His partner looked up in shock. "Does this mean that we can finally put them away?"
"I don't know," Detective RandomGuy shrugged. "I just don't know."
Chapter 6: The Adventures of Foamy, The Kung Fu Toa
Last week on the adventures of Foamy and Kung Fu Toad. Our intrepid duo was breaking into Azkaban Prison to teach a much needed lesson to their arch nemesis Wormtail.
"YOU," Peter smiled. "I've got you now, I'm big again and you arrag."
Kung Fu Toad launched himself at the man and round house kicked him in the nose and Foamy had severed Achilles tendon with her razer sharp teeth.
"How is this happening," Peter screamed as he fell to the ground. "You're just a rat and a toad, how can you do this."
Several hours later and a severe beating later, Foamy and Kung Fu Toad made their way off the island by stowing away on one of the supply boats. Wormtail's torment was over . . . for now.
IIIIIIIIII
Augusta Longbottom was sitting next to her catatonic son and daughter in law. She had come to their room in St. Mungos to let them know about how their son's life was progressing.
"Neville is doing well," Agusta smiled at her two children. "He's being cared for by Bellatrix Lestrange, turns out that she didn't attack you. She's still a bit . . . make that very crazy and had intended on adopting Neville with the hope that he would become the most terrible dark lord in history. I've talked her out of that and now she's decided to focus on building up his dark harem of consorts." Augusta smiled, "she's already gotten every girl in Slytherin and she's been trying to turn Draco Malfoy into a woman so that he . . . she . . . young Malfoy can be in the harem. Just think of it . . . hundreds and hundreds of grandbabies."
"Grandbabies?" Alice's eyes snapped open.
"Hundreds and hundreds of them," Augusta confirmed.
"Wake up Frank," Alice poked her husband in the side. "Our son's building a harem and I don't want to miss it."
"A harem you say?" Frank opened his eyes, "I'm so proud of my son."
"I am too," Alice nodded. "Think of all the grandbabies he can give us."
"And since I've missed out on all these years of my life," Frank began. "I'm going to have to build my own harem so that we have some common ground."
Sadly, only Alice Longbottom was well enough to check out of the hospital that day. Frank Longbottom was forced to stay another week while recovering from severe blunt force trauma.
IIIIIIIIII
"Did you hear about the wizarding world's new trio of heroes?" One random student asked another as the boarded the Hogwarts Express."
"Yeah," the other student nodded. "Foamy, Kung Fu Toad, and Laser Owl. They're the coolest.
"Did you hear the news about how Foamy, Kung Fu Toad, and Laser Owl defeated the dark lord Ming the Merciless in China?"
"Yeah," the other student nodded. "I heard that Kung Fu Toad took Ming on in Mortal Combat while Foamy destroyed his dark legions and Laser Owl stopped his death ray."
"I wanna be like them when I grow up," the other student sighed. "How cool would that be."
Harry watched the conversation with an odd look on his face . . . this hadn't happened in the old time line. Shooting Hedwig and Foamy a suspicious look, Harry walked over to the first member of his harem.
"Hi Hermione," Harry smiled.
"Hi Harry," Hermione smiled when she noticed Harry. "What are your plans for this year?"
"Did you happen to get a time turner?" Harry perked up.
"I'm not supposed to talk about that," Hermione blushed. "But yes I did."
"I suppose we could have some fun with that," Harry shrugged. "Other then that, I don't have any plans."
"Really?" Hermione gave him a suspicious look.
"I got all my work done ahead of time," Harry explained. "Maybe I could get Dumbledore drunk and shave him or something."
"Harry," Hermione was scandalized. "He's the Headmaster."
"You're right," Harry nodded. "I'll have to strip him and take photos and then submit those photos to the Teen Witch hot hunk contest."
"Exactly," Hermione nodded. "And you might want to put Snape in there with him."
"Why?"
"You know that you've got to throw the Yaoi fan girls a bone sometime," Hermione shrugged. "It might as well be with a necked hairless photo of Dumbledore and Snape."
"I guess that's true," Harry nodded. "Thanks for giving me this talk Hermione . . . I don't know what I'd do without you."
The train stopped and a sudden feeling of cold came over everyone on the train.
"What the hell," Harry muttered. "I know for a fact that there is no reason that dementers should be on this train."
"Maybe they got lonely," Luna suggested from her place under Harry's left arm.
"Hoot hoot Hoot hoot," Hedwig opened her cage. "Hoot hoot hoot."
(Translation – This Looks like a job for Laser Owl)
"Squeek," Foamy got out of her own cage.
(Translation – Foamy)
"Croak," Trever appeared.
(Translation – And the Kung Fu Toad. A toad whose day job is that of mild mannered Trevor, companion to Neville Longbottom. Together we are the unstoppable trio of Foamy, Laser Owl, and the Kung Fu Toad. We promise to fight for truth, justice, and to help Harry and Neville get even bigger harems.) Toad is a very complex and nuanced language.
"Hoot hoot hoot,' Hedwig added.
(Translation – and to make that geese ball Snape's life a living hell.) An odd fact that you might not know about the owl language is that the phrase 'make that geese ball Snape's life a living hell' is all one word. Conjecture is that Owls really don't like Snape. And now back to your regularly scheduled program.
A few minutes later . . . nothing happened and after that, an excited student stuck his head into the car.
"Foamy, Laser Owl, and The Kung Fu Toad are outside," the student called out. "And they're fighting a bunch of dementers."
Harry and his harem looked out the window and were shocked to see the masked forms of Foamy, Laser Owl, and The Kung Fu Toad battling a group of dementers.
"Has anyone seen Trever?" Neville made his appearance, "what are you all looking at?"
"We're watching a bunch of dementers get their asses kicked by Foamy, Laser Owl, and The Kung Fu Toad." Harry Replied.
"Oh," Neville watched for a while. "You know . . . The Kung Fu Toad kinda looks like Trever, except he has a mask and Trever doesn't wear a mask."
Harry and his harem looked at Neville incredulously.
"Oh well," Neville shrugged. "I gotta get back to my search for Trever."
The battle was incredibly one sided and in the end Foamy, Laser Owl, and The Kung Fu Toad were victorious.
"Well," Harry watched as the three animals took off their masks and silently made their way back into their cages. "That's something you don't see every day."
The girls all nodded and everyone got back to what they had been doing.
"Hey Potty," Malfoy arrived to make his yearly attempt to ruin everyone's good time. "What have you done to my mother?"
"I'll tell you when you're older," Harry smiled. "Shouldn't you be in Neville's harem right now?"
"Yeah," Hermione nodded. "Why are you still male?"
Draco just sort of turned white, no mean feat when you consider his normal complexion.
"I'll get you Potter," Draco promised as he left.
"No you won't," Harry called after him. "I'm not letting you in my harem."
IIIIIIIIII
The sorting went the way it normally did and several girls burst into tears after being informed that they could have asked the hat to assign them to Harry's harem. The great hall looked the way it normally did with one exception. At the Slytherin table, nearly every student had brought their mother to school with them.
"Attention everyone," Draco called out after the sorting had been completed. "I want everyone to know that I do NOT want to be a member of Neville's harem."
"There you are," Bellatrix had finally cornered her new niece. "Now this won't hurt me a bit."
"What did you do to me?" Draco looked down at his . . . her new body.
"Now you can be in my little dark lord's harem," Bellatrix nodded. "What do you think Cissy?"
"I always wanted a daughter," Narcissa nodded. "And now I have one, thank you sister dear."
"I don't want to be in anyone's harem," Draco protested.
"I understand dear," Narcissa nodded. "You have someone else you like."
"What?" Draco's eyes widened in shock.
"And I have a feeling that I know who it is," Narcissa looked across the room. "Molly dear, could you come over here."
"Certainly Cissy," Molly nodded.
"And bring young Ronald if you don't mind," Narcissa smiled.
"What are you doing?" Young Draco screamed.
"Seeing to my little girl's future," Narcissa replied.
"What can I do for you?" Molly dragged her youngest son over to the Slytherin table.
"I was hoping to arrange a marriage between my daughter Draco and your son Ronald," Narcissa replied. "I've seen the way my little Draco keeps bothering young Ronald to get his attention and I just want to see my little girl in a loving relationship."
"Wha," Ron fainted.
"Poor dear, he's so happy he passed out." Molly picked her youngest son up, "since Ron seems so happy about it then . . . then I guess I don't have a choice."
"Do you hear that Draco," Narcissa pulled her new daughter into a hug. "You're gonna be married."
Draco's eyes widened in horror and he too lost consciousness . . . and bladder control.
"Look how excited she is," Narcissa shook her head. "She hasn't lost bladder control since she was ten years old, she must really want this."
IIIIIIIIII
"Harry," the twins approached with tears in their eyes. "We came to tell you that we concede defeat."
"What?"
"You're the greatest prankster in Hogwarts," Fred and George started sobbing. "We . . . we set Snape on fire and you know what he did?"
"What?" Harry was very confused.
"He told us that he wasn't going to let us take the fall for your work," Fred and George clutched each other. "He told us that . . . he told us that he . . . that he knew it was all your fault."
"What?"
"Even though he watched us do it," George shook his head. "We didn't even try to hide what we were doing."
"Oh," Harry hadn't realised it had gotten this bad.
"So we present to you this map," Fred handed it over. "As our way of conceding defeat and passing the torch."
"Thanks guys," Harry took it. "I was wondering what happened to my father's map."
"Your father?" The twins perked up.
"Yep," Harry nodded. "Prongs is my father, Padfoot is my godfather, and Moony is a good friend of mine . . . don't ask about that filthy bastard Wormtail."
"That's great," the twins stopped crying and started dancing. "The Son of Prongs . . . there's no shame in being beaten by the Son of Prongs and the God Son of Padfoot."
"Do you want to meet Padfoot and Moony?" Harry suggested, "and to help us cause havoc?"
"Do we?" The twins shared a glance, "We'd love to."
"Let's go then"
Three Hours Later . . .
"Gentlemen," Sirius looked around. "I welcome you to Hogwart's most secret class . . . Basic Pranks."
"Basic?"
"In basic we deal with pranks that affect large portions of the school," Sirius explained. "Such as causing everyone in Slytherin to shoot fire out their ears or something simple like that."
"Wow"
"In intermediate we go over such pranks as turning Snape into a goat and then portkeying him to the headmaster's brother." Sirius smiled at the happy memory, "or tricking him into taking a canoe trip in the backwoods of Georgia and taking his wand."
"And in Advanced?"
"YOU WANT ADVANCED?" Sirius yelled, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE ADVANCED . . . at least not yet, all things in their proper time."
IIIIIIIIII
"Well," Harry walked into his common room with a large brown envelope full of terrible terrible pictures. "That takes care of that."
"What takes care of what?" Lavender asked with a smile.
"Took naked hairless pictures of Snape and Dumbledore," Harry yawned. "Now all I gotta do is send them off to every magazine and newspaper in the country and my day will be complete."
"How . . . how did you get those pictures," Lavender shuddered at the mental image. "And how did you shave Snape and Dumbledore without vomiting?"
"I didn't," Harry smirked. "I got Draco to do it."
"How did you do that?"
"I told her that I'd do everything I could to get her out of her marriage with Ron," Harry smiled.
"What can you do to get her out of that marriage?" Lavender blinked.
"Absolutely nothing," Harry's grin widened. "I can't think of a thing . . . boy was she angry when I told her that."
"Can't believe that she fell for that," Lavender shook her head in amusement. "So what else are you going to do this year?"
"Well like I said," Harry frowned. "I've already gotten everything done. I can't even have some sort of Dementer sub plot thanks to the efforts of Foamy, Laser Owl, and The Kung Fu Toad."
"Maybe you should just skip to next year," Lavender suggested. "It's not like you care if people complain that you skipped an entire year."
"I suppose," Harry nodded. "Though the chapter does seem a bit short."
"Then you should have left Sirius to rot in Azkaban," Lavender smirked. "And spent a few more years tormenting the rat."
"I guess," Harry nodded. "Ah well."
IIIIIIIIII
The rest of the year was fairly uneventful, Dumbledore and Snape's photos were published and several people had to be checked into St. Mungos for eye gouging related injuries. Kung Fu Toad started dating Madame Umbridge but the relationship ended badly when he caught her cheating on him with Minister Fudge. Minister Fudge and Madame Umbridge died under mysterious circumstances, the cornier said that it looked like they'd been badly beaten and partially eaten then burned by some sort of high intensity light beam. In the end their deaths were ruled to be accidental. And the children found themselves back on the platform to meet their parents.
"How's the harem going hon?" Hermione's father patted her on the head. "Any new girls?"
"Not so many this year," Hermione smiled. "So far there's only about thirty girls in the harem but Harry says that he'll be adding a bunch of French girls to it next year."
"That's nice dear," Hermione's mother added her own two cents. "It'll give you an opportunity to practice your French . . . wouldn't want all those lessons to go to waste."
IIIIIIIIII
"So what do you want to do this summer?" Sirius smiled down at his godson.
"Well," Harry began. "I was thinking that we could kidnap Moody and replace him with a fake Moody."
"Why?" Sirius looked down at his god son.
"For the hell of it," Harry shrugged. "Or we could prevent Moody's kidnapping or something."
"That sounds great," Sirius rubbed his hands together. "And when we save him we can tell him that he needs to be more vigilant."
The dynamic duo quickly made their way to the house of the famous Auror Mad Eye Moody. When they arrived, they quickly became aware of an argument between Moody and a mysterious other man.
"CONSTANT VIGILANCE," Moody's voice rang out.
"CONSTANT FLATULENCE," the other voice replied.
"VIGILANCE"
"FLATULENCE"
"VIGILANCE"
"FLATULENCE"
"VIGILANCE"
"FLATULENCE"
"VIGILANCE"
"FLATULENCE"
"VIGILANCE"
"FLATULENCE"
"VIGILANCE"
"FLATULENCE"
"VIGILANCE"
"FLATULENCE"
"VIGILANCE"
"FLATULENCE"
"VIGILA . . ."
"Excuse me," Sirius called out. "Are you there Mad Eye?"
"Who is it?"
"Sirius and Harry," Sirius called back. "We've discovered that Barty Crouch has escaped from prison and plans to kidnap you and replace you and then do all sorts of terrible things."
"And?" Moody asked suspiciously.
"We were wondering if we could kidnap him and find out his plan," Harry explained. "Then you could take his place and we could make their lives a living hell."
"Sounds good to me," Moody nodded. "Let me introduce you to my cousin." Another heavily scarred man stepped into the doorway. "Bad Pie Roody . . . from the Mexican branch of the family."
"Hi," Harry blinked. "Why do they call you Bad Pie?"
"Best you don't know," Bad Pie Roody replied.
"It's because he's a pastry chef," Moody snorted. "And he just happened to be in a restaurant that was being used as a death eater meeting place. Let's just say he got a little . . . creative with the ingredients."
"If you're a chef . . . then," Harry scratched his head. "Why are you so scarred."
"Knives, boiling water, penguins." The strange man began counting things off, "the kitchen's a dangerous place. Mad Eye here became an Auror because he wasn't tough enough to join the family trade."
"Wha . . . riiiiiiight,' Harry blinked. "Here's the plan."