I had forgotten what it was like to be frozen with confusion.
I don't have the time to be lost, I have to survive.
Today is our mission to clean the sewers. The spred of judgement has been brutal, unfair, and indiscriminant.
Everyone who had faith in predictions of our future had their beliefs crushed when the goodguys ended up on the loosing side, including those who sold their souls to the lord they blindly trusted.
In the end, almost everyone in the world were eradicated, and the few people here in these sewers make up 50% of the remaining population.
We already decided that we're going to go out fighting, it's impossible to think long term for the sake of our species with no women remaining.
Although it's hopeless, I still want to believe that the universe itself is a good place to allow for life after death, to give me a second chance to enjoy my life without having to be at the mercy of the mistakes of the world I happend to be born into.
What would you do if you were crucified by your saviour, would that betrayal mean anything if vengence or honour were meaningless in the face of almighty power?
Even if our enemy is God itself, I still pray to the God I want to believe in. I want to believe that there is a true God that does care for me, even if it doesn't have the strength to do anything. So long as something cares about me, I will be willing to care about it in return.
*scatter*
"What was that?!", Derik shouts through his gasmask while aiming his flash towards the side of the sewage pipe we are walking through.
"It's probably a fuckin' rat. Get ready boys.", says Adrian.
I remain silent, and pray to my desired interpretation of a God who loves me, 'Dear God, please, I miss how things were before this. I will likely die here, I know there's nothing you can do for me in this hellscape, but please prepare for me a place of rest after I go, and satisfy my yearning for another life.'.
A thumping in the distance if can be heard approaching us in a stampeed.
"AAAAA -AAAAHHHH!!!", Derik runs away, which is pointless.
"STAND YOUR GROUND!" Simon shouts to the rest of us.
I thought that in this moment I would be overcome with rage or fear, but I just feel confused again, am I really going to die here, just like that?
Our flashes illuminate the reflection in the devil-rat eyes, and I realise that undeniably I am about to die within 2-3 seconds from now, it's going to be a painful impact.
I brace, closing my eyes, pulling the tigger as tightly as I grit my teeth.
The last thing I felt was not the confusion anymore, the micro-instant before I died, was filled with sadness.
...
"Zack, can you please give us the answer to this questi- HUH? ZACK, IS EVERYTHING OKAY?!"
I find myself gasping, as if I had woken up after having died in a nightmare. I quickly look around for something familiar, but I don't recognise anything to do with my bedroom. What am I doing in a chair?
"WHERE AM I? WHAT IS THIS?!", I collapse out of my seat from the shock and on instinct look for my weapons that are always on me, but I'm defenceless.
My screams are interrupted by laughter from the school at the front of the class bullies while I sit in the middle seat of the back row, "Look at this duuude. ahaha.".
I look around me and see the faces of my classmates in high school. I even see girls for the first time in years.
"W-what?!", my heart races as my fears are sudden washed over with intense embarrassement.
"Zack, you were just having a nightmare.", my female teacher says to me.
Suddenly I feel paralised with confusion, I don't know what to feel.
Overwhelmed with this feeling of being lost, the first thing I decide to do in order to stop being lost is remember what I was supposed to be doing, "ADRIAN, SIMON, DERIK!!".
"ZACK! STOP MAKING A SCENE! GO TO THE PRINCIBLE'S OFFICE RIGHT NOW-"
"ADRIAN!!!!", I grow more fearful as I feel isolated in this strange situation. I keep looking up at the ceiling and closing my eyes as I scream with all might.
I keep repeating my friend's name, "AAADRRIAAAAAN!!", feeling more and more choaked up the more the feeling of being alone after having died sets in.
Time seems to disappear, I can't concentrate on anything around me. I'm completely defenceless anyways, so all I can do is cry.
I don't know how much time passed, but after a while I notice that I'm being shook by Adrian who's trying to get my attention, "Zack, what is it?! What the fuck is going on??".
I hear him asking me this in a sympathetic tone, "I *sniff*, we-we died. Everyone's dead, we all died.".
"No we're not dead, we're in school. Nothing's happened you were just having a bad dream."
"S-school?", I look down at his uniform, and his features are clearly younger and nostalgic.
I look around the room and I see that there are only him and 3 teachers remaining. Everyone seems to have been told to leave the classroom.
"No. No no no. Please tell me you remember! Adrian, please tell me it's actually you, I can't be the only one!!"
All he can give me is a gaze of him trying to make sense of me, trying to find the me that he knows. This isn't the Adrian from the end of the world.
I collapse to my knees, suddenly I find myself unable to even cry anymore. I've returned back to my usual self, that episode of sadness is now a blurry dream to me even though it was only a second ago, it's no longer real to me, nothing is.
I'm confused again, but with nothing to return back to, so I try to figure out what to do now while lost.
While I remain trapped within my mind seeking an answer, I do as the teachers say silently and go to the nurse's office while being given a shoulder by younger Adrian.
Is there really nothing from the world I came from left? Am I the last person here? Where even is here? What is this?