"Cannot be described by a single color?"
Subaru slightly raised an eyebrow, looking at Hiyori Shiina sitting before him.
The words she spoke contradicted Subaru's own theories.
However, Subaru felt a sense of curiosity regarding Hiyori's words.
"Mn, I've heard things about you, Subaru-kun. You seem to be very obsessed with colors..."
Hiyori revealed an incomparably serious expression.
"Although my words might differ somewhat from your thoughts, Subaru-kun, and what I say might make you a little angry..."
"It's fine. I want to hear it."
Hiyori straightened her posture slightly, her clear eyes gazing earnestly at Subaru through her lenses.
The sunlight danced upon her silver hair, making her entire being look as if she were glowing.
"Subaru-kun has always been searching for colors," she began softly. "Perhaps, in your eyes, Subaru-kun, different colors refer to the true nature of the soul. Red, black, blue... each representing something pure."
Subaru did not speak; he only watched her quietly.
"Subaru-kun, in your eyes, what color are those classmates?"
"Color? They can't be counted as colors, merely some faint changes. Kushida leans towards black. Ryuen leans towards red—though there is a massive gap between that and the red I know. They only have the possibility of further displaying color, nothing more."
"I see."
Hiyori paused, seemingly organizing her thoughts.
"However, I think you might have overlooked one thing, Subaru-kun."
"What thing?"
"These colors."
She extended her hand, her fingertips tracing gently through the air, as if outlining something invisible.
"They are revealed by others in a certain moment, under a certain state. But is that really the entirety of what they look like?"
Subaru's eyelashes trembled slightly.
"Ryuen-kun is the color of violence. I do not approve of his actions," Hiyori continued. "But to a certain extent, Ryuen-kun also has some shining points. At least in terms of giving his all for the class, that is the case."
Her voice was very light, yet it held a firmness that could not be ignored.
"People are not one-way mirrors, Subaru-kun. People are multifaceted. Some faces face outward, some face inward, and some faces are invisible even to themselves."
Subaru remained silent and did not answer.
"Therefore, I believe that describing a person with only a single color is inaccurate, because people are complex."
"Then, what kind of person do you think I am?" he asked.
Hiyori looked at him seriously, as if looking at a novel that needed to be savored slowly.
"Subaru-kun..." she said softly. "There are many layers to you."
"The first layer is what Subaru-kun lets others see—that look of indifference, of not caring about anything. Like the surface of a lake in winter, frozen with thick ice, where no one can see what lies beneath."
Subaru just looked at Hiyori, saying nothing.
"The second layer," Hiyori continued, "is what Subaru-kun occasionally reveals—that feeling of being very tired, very exhausted. Just like when you walked in earlier, Subaru-kun; your shoulders were very tight, and your gaze was deeper than usual. That isn't indifference. That is... a weariness from bearing too many things and not knowing where to place them."
Her voice became even softer.
"And there is a third layer."
"What?"
"A layer Subaru-kun himself might not have even noticed."
Hiyori's eyes curved slightly.
"Subaru-kun just asked me, 'In your eyes, what color am I?' Even if it's just a little bit, even if it's just curiosity—Subaru-kun also cares about what he looks like in the eyes of others."
"That shows that deep within your heart, Subaru-kun, there is still hidden a sort of... desire to be understood, to be seen."
Subaru's breathing seemed to pause for an instant.
"Subaru-kun has always been looking at other people's colors," Hiyori continued. "But have you ever thought about it—perhaps Subaru-kun himself also has a color? It's just that the color is too complex, so complex that even you cannot see it clearly."
The sunlight outside the window fell between the two of them, seemingly dyeing the air a pale gold.
Subaru fell silent for a long time. After several seconds passed, he finally spoke.
"Perhaps."
Hiyori listened quietly.
"I have seen many people. Blazing, twisted, pure, broken. But those with color are few and far between."
Subaru's gaze landed outside the window, yet it seemed to pierce through that bright sky, looking toward some distant, darker place.
"And I, myself, have never known what I am. Because I..."
He paused.
"I don't fully remember what I used to be like," Subaru said.
He had only a vague impression of his past self. If the self of that time hadn't met Emilia and the others, would things have happened differently?
Subaru didn't know.
In his mind now, only the self that had already metamorphosed into the Purge King remained.
In that case, he probably didn't have a color either. After all, he wasn't someone who remained consistent from beginning to end.
So Subaru didn't dare look in the mirror. The person in the mirror was likely incomparably unfamiliar as well.
Hiyori didn't speak.
She simply extended her hand and gently, without any weight, placed it over the back of his hand.
Not gripping tight, not applying pressure, just covering it. Like some kind of silent, yet incomparably certain companionship.
"Subaru-kun," she said softly. "If a person walks a very, very long night road, he will naturally forget what sunlight looks like. But that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to see the sunlight again."
Subaru turned his head and looked at her.
In those clear eyes, there was still no demand, only gentleness.
"I don't know what you have experienced, Subaru-kun," Hiyori said. "But I know that you are here now, and that is enough."
Subaru lowered his head, looking at the hand covering the back of his own. Slender, fair, carrying a hint of warmth.
Hiyori Shiina's color was becoming increasingly intense.
"Hiyori," he finally said. "Don't you think... I'm very ironic like this?"
"Ironic?"
"A person who doesn't even know what color he is, yet is constantly searching for other people's colors."
Hiyori tilted her head slightly.
"Subaru-kun," she said. "Have you ever considered—maybe it is precisely because you have no color yourself that you so desperately desire to see the colors of others?"
Subaru's eyelashes trembled.
"Because blank people will always instinctively look for things that can fill the void."
Hiyori's voice was very light, yet like a drop of water, it fell into the lake surface of his heart that had been silent for too long.
"Subaru-kun searches for color in others because... you want to believe that in this world, there really are things that cannot be obliterated. Even if you don't have it anymore, you want to prove that such a thing exists."
Subaru fell silent.
He thought of Ram's eyes burning with crimson red. He thought of Beatrice's butterfly-like eyes. He thought of—the earliest times he saw Emilia, those amethyst eyes.
He thought of the countless deaths, the countless restarts. Being hated by people, being misunderstood by people.
Just like how Ram believed he had killed Rem. Subaru hadn't even bothered to explain at the time.
Then what did he want to prove? What did he want to believe?
He didn't know.
But at this moment, this silver-white haired girl looked at him with her clear eyes, saying words he had never said to himself—
He suddenly felt that perhaps some questions didn't necessarily need answers.
"Hiyori," he said. "Why... are you saying these things?"
Hiyori curved her eyes slightly.
"Because I am a detective," she said, her voice carrying a trace of tiny pride. "A detective's job is to observe people and understand people."
Then, her smile softened.
"And also because... I want to understand you, Subaru-kun. Not wanting to change anything, not wanting to save anything. Just... wanting to understand you."
Subaru looked at her. Looking at those eyes devoid of any demands. Looking at the quiet and gentle smile at the corner of her mouth. Looking at the hand covering the back of his own.
" during the vacation, we don't need to consider the struggles between classes, so we can have conversations like this," Hiyori said slowly. "Perhaps it's not that you can't see colors, Subaru-kun, but that you are unwilling to see them."
"Unwilling...?"
"Although I don't know what to do, if you are under a lot of pressure, Subaru-kun, I hope you can rest well."
Maybe what he had been searching for all along wasn't color itself.
"...Hiyori."
He finally spoke.
"Mn?"
"Thank you."
Hiyori curved her eyes slightly, smiling like the afternoon sun outside the window.
"You're welcome, Subaru-kun."
She didn't take back her hand. Neither did he.
Subaru looked at Hiyori before him, and a thought he'd never had before arose in his heart.
"I'm a little tired. I want to sleep here for a bit, is that okay?"
"Mn."
Subaru spread his hands out on the table, then rested his head on his hands.
A strong wave of sleepiness swept over him. He hadn't rested properly in a long, long time.
Long enough that he himself couldn't remember clearly when he last truly fell asleep.
In that world, every time he closed his eyes, it might mean death. Every time he woke up, he might face deeper despair. Or rather, he had no sense of security and simply couldn't sleep in those places.
Previously, the only times he could sleep peacefully for a moment were when he was with Emilia. But in the end, Emilia faded too.
Later, when he arrived here, even without those threats, his body had already forgotten how to "fall asleep." He could only close his eyes to refresh his mind slightly. He could only let his consciousness float on the edge of clarity and blurriness, ready to deal with potential danger at any time.
But now—
Subaru felt that the girl with color before him might be able to bring him a sense of security he hadn't seen in a long time.
Subaru closed his eyes.
Darkness descended.
But this time, the darkness was different from usual. There was no tide of memories surging in, no eyes of Ram burning with crimson red, no eyes of Rem that could no longer open, no faded gaze of Emilia.
Only a quiet, warm darkness where he thought of nothing. Like being wrapped in something soft. Like he could finally—put everything down.
It's not that others don't have color. Is it that I'm unwilling to see color...?
Thinking this, Subaru's consciousness went to a place further away. His breathing gradually became even and long.
Hiyori raised her head from her book, her gaze landing on the young man lying prone across from her.
His side profile was buried in his arms, and she could only see a small part—his tightly closed eyes, his slightly relaxed brow, and that face which usually held no expression, now finally revealing a look of relief.
She had never seen a Subaru like this.
Normally, those eyes always carried a sense of distance that kept people from seeing through them, as if watching this world, yet also looking through it at something else. Even when smiling, those eyes never truly relaxed.
But now—those were all gone. Only a person who was extremely tired remained, finally looking as if he allowed himself to sleep.
Hiyori didn't move.
She just sat there quietly, maintaining her posture of reading, even lightening her breathing a little, afraid to disturb this hard-won peace.
She watched him just like that, watching a person she wanted to understand drop all defenses in front of her.
Was this the feeling of being trusted?
At the start, Hiyori Shiina only treated Subaru as a special book friend. But unknowingly, he had occupied more and more of her thoughts.
Even though she thought her words today might displease him, Hiyori believed she still had to say them. Only in this way could she take a step closer to Subaru.
Although Hiyori didn't clearly know what that step exactly was.
After about ten minutes.
Subaru's brow suddenly twitched gently. Not a frown, just slightly knitting together, as if he encountered something in his dream.
His breathing became rapid for an instant, and his body showed signs of tension—then, it slowly relaxed again.
Watching all this, Hiyori suddenly felt a bit of heartache.
Even when asleep, was his body ready to deal with something at any moment? Those things he had experienced and was unwilling to speak of, exactly how heavy were they?
She didn't ask.
She simply extended her hand and gently, almost without any weight, covered the back of his hand—the hand exposed at the edge of the table, closest to her.
Just like before.
Another ten minutes passed, and Subaru opened his eyes.
He felt the warmth coming from his hand. That soft sensation.
It was just like when he first woke up in Roswaal's mansion after being heavily injured back then. He remembered someone holding his hand tightly to alleviate his pain.
It was Ram and Rem.
Rem had already died. Ram hated him.
This shouldn't be their ending. Nor should it be his.
It's been so busy with the New Year these past few days! Wishing everyone a Happy New Year!
____
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