The following weeks were a carousel of growing chaos, as if the universe had decided that Alyx, Marshall, and Lily's newly found peace must be constantly tested. And as always, the epicenter of disaster had two names: Hammond Druthers and Barney Stinson.
Ted's Point of View
Ted was at the highest point of his professional career so far—for the first time, he was project leader for the construction of a building he had designed. Of course, every good thing has its small, annoying thorn, and for him, that thorn was Hammond Druthers. Not only was he still in the office, but he seemed to have multiplied his capacity to be unbearable by a factor of ten. Every morning, Ted arrived at his office hoping to find the right moment to fire him, and every morning, Druthers found a way to ruin it.
The first attempt was on Druthers' birthday. Ted had prepared his speech, rehearsed in front of the mirror, calculated every pause. "Hammond, I need to talk to you about your future at the company..." But when he opened his office door, about twenty people in party hats sang "Happy Birthday" to him, and a secretary put a plastic cone hat on his head.
"You got me, Mosby!" exclaimed Druthers, surrounded by balloons and cake. "What a detail, organizing all this! And here I thought no one remembered."
Ted tried to protest, but Druthers was already hugging him and offering him a piece of cake. "You're a great boss, Ted. A great boss." His authority, Ted thought as he nibbled the cake, was completely compromised.
And so, Ted went from "I'm going to fire this man" to "I'm going to eat a piece of cake with this man while he celebrates his own birthday." Guilt gnawed at his insides like a mild but persistent acid.
The second attempt came days later. Ted had waited for Druthers to be alone in the office, after working hours. Perfect. No one to interrupt. But when he entered his office, he found him sleeping on the floor, wrapped in a blanket, with a cushion that seemed taken from the break room.
"Hammond?"
Druthers woke with a start. "Mosby? What are you doing here so late?"
"What are YOU doing here so late? Are you... living here?"
Druthers sat up, rubbing his eyes. "My wife and I had a fight a few weeks ago. I've been sleeping here ever since, waiting for her anger to pass." He sighed. "She's a special woman, Ted. You understand?"
Ted didn't understand, but he did understand that he couldn't fire a man living in his office. It would be like kicking a stray dog. Worse. Stray dogs at least have the street.
He tried again. This time, he waited for lunch hour, when Druthers usually left. But when he approached his desk, he found him sleeping on a pile of blueprints, mouth open, with a thin line of drool threatening to ruin months of work.
"Hammond?" Ted shook him gently.
Druthers woke with a start. "What? Who? Where? Is there coffee?" He blinked, focusing on Ted. "Oh, it's you, Mosby. Sorry, I couldn't sleep last night. The couch in my office is incredibly uncomfortable. Did you know architects should design furniture? We have a sense of space, ergonomics... We could revolutionize the sofa bed industry."
"You're still sleeping here?" Ted asked, and his voice sounded more concerned than he intended.
"Where else? My wife... my ex-wife... has the house, my wine collection, my dignity, and a dog she never even wanted." Druthers let out a bitter laugh. "But hey, who needs a home when you have architecture? Architecture is the home of the soul, or something like that. I read it on a napkin once."
Ted left without saying a word. The firing would have to wait.
On Wednesday, Druthers arrived with a new, hideous tie—with a tropical flower pattern that seemed to scream help in a visual language only traumatized graphic designers could understand.
"What do you think, Mosby? It's my 'new life' tie. My ex... well, my almost-ex-wife always hated flashy ties. She said I looked like a disco parrot. Well, now I'm a free disco parrot flying with colorful feathers."
Ted nodded, hypnotized by the horror of the tie. "It's... it's very... colorful."
"That's it! Colorful. Like my new bachelor stage." Druthers turned and went to his desk.
Ted had decided enough was enough. Druthers had to go. He called him to his office, scheduled a meeting, and waited with his speech prepared.
Druthers entered with a somber expression. "Mosby, something has happened."
"What's wrong?"
"My wife... she sent this." He held up an envelope. "Divorce papers. They were delivered an hour ago."
Ted felt the ground open beneath his feet. "Hammond, I'm so sorry..."
"And that's not the worst part. She also sent me the remains of Wolfie." Druthers pointed to a small urn he held in his other hand. "My dog, Ted. My dog has died. She always played too rough with him."
Ted looked at the urn. Looked at the divorce papers. Looked at Druthers, with moist eyes and a trembling chin.
"Hammond, there's something I need to tell you..."
"It's not necessary, Mosby. Your presence is enough." Druthers approached and gave him a hug. "Thank you for being here."
Ted didn't fire him.
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Thank you for making it this far. Ted's odyssey with Druthers is just beginning, and you're part of this journey. Which secondary character would you like to see more of? More Druthers? More Carl? More of Barney's chaos?
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