"I've never thought of it like that. I always thought... if there's no meaning, then nothing matters. But if there is meaning and we just can't reach it..." She shook her head slowly. "That's almost worse, isn't it? Being so close to something and never being able to touch it."
"Maybe." Hoshimi set the book back on the desk. "Or maybe it's better. Because it means the struggle isn't pointless. It means Sisyphus isn't pushing that boulder for nothing, he just can't see the top of the hill."
"Sometimes I wonder if Lady Bleu truly is a benevolent goddess." She buried her face deeper into her pillow.
He patted her head. "Maybe she isn't as omnipotent as you think she is, maybe she's just trying her best, what little she is able to, to save her disciples."
Kira stared at him. "But there's no proof, is there? No evidence that what we do actually means something."
Hoshimi pointed at her chest. "There is evidence, isn't there?" His eyes softened. "You're right here, and so am I. Isn't that reason? Isn't that meaning?"
"You're really smart."
"I think that word should only be applied to an immortal, after all, no matter how long we spend out lives in search of knowledge….we'll never know anything. I know the things I do know and I know that I know nothing."
She didn't look convinced, but she didn't push. Instead, she reached for the book, pulling it into her lap and opening it to another marked page.
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."
"That's Camus too," she said. "From another book. I think about it sometimes. About whether I have an invincible summer inside me." She looked up, meeting his eyes.
Hoshimi held her gaze. The room was very quiet, the fluorescent hum from the corridor muffled by the closed door. Somewhere in the building, a door opened and closed, footsteps passed.
"Don't read too much into it." He said. "Most of philosophy is just general thoughts with fancy language."
Kira smiled. A real smile, small but genuine. "Maybe. But it also makes me feel less alone. And right now, that's worth more than understanding."
[Less alone.]
The phrase echoed in Hoshimi's mind, finding purchase in places he usually kept locked.
[That reminds me of Audrey, she's already dead isn't she? Then why am I so hung up about it?]
That spear inside you is the pillar of the world.
[What does that even mean?]
"You should rest," he said, standing. "The lockdown will last a few more days. We'll figure out who the spy is."
Kira nodded, but her eyes held a question. "Hoshimi? Do you think we'll ever be normal? Whatever normal means for people like us?"
He paused at the door, hand on the handle.
"Who knows?" he said. "I guess it's up to Lady Bleu to decide our fates."
He left before she could respond.
The corridor was empty, the fluorescent lights humming their eternal song.
[Sometimes, I don't even believe my own words. But I should do what I need to comfort people and keep my mind open to new ideas. Give them hope, so at the very least she doesn't kill herself, I will eventually encounter something that will prove her invaluable.]
He walked back toward his room.
He reached his door, hand on the handle, and paused.
[I don't think its Kira, but I can't be sure, I'll go talk to Sarah next]
From inside his room, a sound. Faint, almost imperceptible. Breathing that wasn't his own.
[After all of that motivational talk, I feel more like shit, like I'm sitting down in a dump. Aside from trying to fix this 'world', I have no motivation, no goals, no dreams of my own, like I'm a puppet. My existence doesn't really have any meaning, does it?]
He turned the handle.
[For what purpose am I even alive? What do I really want?]
The room was dark, the curtains drawn against the dying light. His desk sat, papers messily scattered across the table, but the black box from Audrey was still resting in the drawer where he'd hidden it.
[Maybe I just want to settle down in the middle of nowhere with a small family. Maybe that's too fantastical for the situation I'm in.]
And on that bed, laying down, her legs in the air and her head on his pillow, flipping through the files as if they were her own, was Sarah.
Her amber eyes gleamed in the dim light, catching what little illumination existed and holding it like treasure. Her brunette hair fell in perfect waves around shoulders that showed no tension, no awareness that she was somewhere she shouldn't be.
[Speak of the devil, and he shall arrive]
"Sarah, what do you want?"
"I didn't see you there, Hoshimi," she noticed his presence. Her voice carried that strange resonance, that layered quality that made it feel like someone else was speaking just behind her words. "Fancy meeting you here."
"This is my room."
"Really?"
"Yeah, really." Hoshimi's eyes narrowed. "And how did you get in?"
"The door was unlocked." A smile, faint and unsettling. "People are so careless with their security."
[The door was locked. I checked it before I left.]
Hoshimi didn't move. His violet eyes studied her face, searching for tells, for micro-expressions, for anything that might reveal what she was, but only a playful look sat on her face.
"What are you doing here?"
"I was just checking."
"Checking what?"
She sat up, sitting on the corner of his bed, teetering over the edge.
"Whether or not you truly were tasked, and it turns out you were."
Hoshimi's face stayed blank.
"I was a weird child." She spoke, her voice was almost ethereal, echoing through the room. "I had this strange obsession with tearing the limbs off bugs, their struggles and squirms, I couldn't help but want more."
"What's the purpose of telling me this?"
"I wanted you to know a little fun fact about me." She hopped off the bed, walking over towards his shelf, her finger finding its way through the organized books.
"What are you doing now?"
"Hmm, I was just looking for any kind of entertainment, but all you have are boring books, no wonder you're such a boring person." She knocked a couple books down to the carpeted floor.
"You're like a cat." His eyes narrowed. "Treating my room like it's your place, treating my things like it's yours. You've got no sense of personal space do you?" He picked up the fallen books, and carried them in his armpits.
"This one." Sarah picked out a single book from the shelf, a pristine book with a hard red cover and golden lettering, she held it in her hands, flipping through the pages. "I picked this one because it way eye-catching, but I guess it's another boring one, don't you have anything interesting? Like picture books?" She dropped the book onto the floor.
"No, I don't."
"Hmm," Sarah backed away from the shelf and sat down onto the bed. "I wonder how people even like you, you're boring, monotone, boring and boring."
"Did you just come to my room to insult me?"
"Of course." She put her hands on her hips. "I mean, what other forms of entertainment do we have? You're not letting us out anyways."
"Lucy is supposed to look after you."
"Oh her?" She tapped her chin. "A girl's gotta do her business, doesn't she? Anyways, I wanted some alone time."
"Go back to your room."
"Really?" Sarah got up close to his face, he could practically feel her warm breath. "You want me to go? Who gave you that authority, hmm?" She started to knock down things from his desk to the ground, smiling at him.
Hoshimi sighed.
[She's getting on my nerves, is she doing this to distract me from the investigation or is she trying to find a way outside? What's up with her? Or is she genuinely stupid? Damn it, I can't read her]
Rouge smiled.