"Shut up, Deidara. I don't want to know what I'm eating!" Konan snapped.
Zaraki Kita immediately nodded in full agreement. "Obito, put a genjutsu on me. Let me forget this ever happened."
"Running away won't solve anything. If I put you under genjutsu, who puts me under one? Uchiha Itachi, give me a Tsukuyomi already!"
"Don't talk to me. I don't want to know." Itachi looked completely lifeless.
Kisame, on the other hand, was actually curious. "Honestly, we should just grow more of this potato stuff when we get back. Then we'll never worry about food again. We're basically high-tech now."
"You've got guts saying that," Kakuzu muttered. He had eaten too much and was now lying down, trying to digest.
Sakura rested her head on her arm, smiling faintly. "It's not a big deal. This is the result of my and Orochimaru's research. You could say it's benefiting humanity."
"Then what exactly did you crossbreed to make it grow this big? Hmm?" Deidara was still curious.
Everyone immediately tried to stop Sakura from answering, but it was too late. "White Zetsu."
"SAKURA!!!" The roar was deafening.
Sakura rubbed her ears. "Geez, your tolerance is so low. Even if White Zetsu comes from Hashirama cells, it's not exactly Hashirama cells anymore."
"STOP TALKING!"
"Shut up!"
"Please don't say it anymore!"
Sakura looked genuinely innocent.
A brief silence followed. The first to accept reality was Obito. "Well, honestly, it still tastes pretty good."
Kakuzu didn't bother arguing. Kisame nodded in agreement. "Yeah. It's actually edible."
Then Hidan suddenly sat up. "Oh right! Sakura, bring back the seeds of this sh*t too! We can grow them back home and sell them! We'll be rich!" The more he spoke, the more excited he got. "Kakuzu-chan, think about it! We can sell these super potatoes and, and, OW! WHO HIT ME?!"
A shoe came flying out of nowhere. Then another. Then more. Chaos erupted.
After the noise settled, Sakura calmly analyzed the situation. "Actually, he might have a point. It's nutrient-rich, and it has healing properties. It might even be usable as medicine. I should take the seeds back. Itachi, help me collect some later."
Itachi looked like he wanted to cry, but resisted.
Kisame, meanwhile, smiled while imagining something. If we grow it, what kind of face would that "Toki-sama" make when she eats it? He chuckled. "Yeah. We should definitely bring it back for them to try."
Itachi instantly understood. "You mean 'them' as in those people?"
Konan tilted her head, curious. "Wait, who's Toki-sama?"
Pain also seemed to think. Zaraki Kita shrugged. "Never heard of them either."
Obito answered casually. "I thought Kisame liked women? Didn't expect him to swing the other way~"
Itachi calmly added, "He's not gay. Toki-sama is a woman. Very unique. Very cool."
Konan's curiosity deepened. "But I don't know anyone in the village called Toki-sama."
Sakura nodded. "She's not a shinobi."
"Ah, that explains it," Konan said. "I only know shinobi."
Kisame was suddenly under scrutiny. "So, you're dating a woman from our village?"
Kisame opened his mouth, but Itachi cut in immediately. "Friends. Almost lovers. About 75% progress after years."
Kisame froze.
Konan blinked in shock. "Wait, seriously? Is it that hard to date a woman in our village?"
Kisame wanted to cry. "Why are you like this, Itachi?"
"I'm just stating facts."
Meanwhile, Zaraki Kita nodded thoughtfully. "Actually, yeah, our village women are pretty hard to pursue."
Pain frowned. "I don't think so. Statistically, we don't have many unmarried adults."
Konan shook her head. "You just don't see them. Half of ANBU can't find partners."
"They're just bad at flirting," Hidan immediately declared proudly. "I know how to deal with women! It's simple. First, you have to be handsome, like me. Second, you need money, like me."
Konan smiled sweetly. "And you also need to be a bit stupid. Women like rich, handsome idiots."
"Exactly!" Hidan agreed, then froze. "HEY! Don't agree so easily! I'm not stupid!"
Kakuzu sighed. "Why don't you control him?"
"Control what?"
"Your money problem."
"He doesn't even get his money." That killed the conversation.
Obito looked at Hidan sympathetically. "You've lived a hard life."
Itachi nodded.
Hidan muttered quietly. "I actually have savings."
Everyone stared at him. Kakuzu gave a blank "sure" expression. Even Deidara looked at him with pity.
Pain, as the only single man, raised his hand. "I think allowance shouldn't be too strict. After all."
"Shut up. You don't get a voice here," Konan cut him off immediately.
Kisame nodded. "Yeah, that makes sense."
"Neither do you." Both Pain and Kisame froze.
Pain tried again. "Konan, you can't do this just because I'm single."
"That's exactly why."
He turned for support. "Kita, back me up."
Zaraki Kita immediately backed away. "Don't drag me into this. I'm not involved."
Pain stared at her. "Do you even have dignity?"
"Since when did I have that?" she answered instantly.
Konan punched her lightly. "What does that mean?! Explain yourself!"
Kita sighed. "I'm doomed."
Hidan leaned toward Kakuzu. "Kakuzu-chan, you've been so good to me. I don't even need an allowance anymore. Just feed me."
"Fine," Kakuzu said immediately. "Then no allowance."
"You're heartless."
Obito looked at Hidan. "You've survived this long, that's impressive."
Itachi covered Sakura's eyes. "Don't look. This is inappropriate."
Sakura pulled his sleeve down. "I don't care. Just take your medicine."
Itachi looked like he might cry.
Sakura pulled out a small candy. "Be good. Take your medicine, then you get this."
"Where did you get candy?"
"I'm a medical ninja. I can extract sugar from plants." Instantly, Itachi became obedient.
Obito looked around. Konan and Kita were arguing. Kakuzu and Hidan were negotiating poverty. Deidara was asleep. He sighed. Then, "I want to marry Kakashi. Can our village do that?"
Konan blinked. "When did you become so formal?"
"Kakashi is a very proper person. I think he'd want it."
Konan thought for a moment. "Fine. But there's a problem."
Obito immediately sat up. "What problem?"
"It can't be solved."
"Say it properly!"
"You look ugly in formal clothes. It ruins the village aesthetic."
BOOM! Everyone burst into laughter. Kita literally fell over laughing.
Obito snapped. "Fuck you! I curse you to be bottom forever! Kita, avenge me!"
The truth, however, remained unspoken. Everyone already assumed Kita was the "bottom" anyway. And in this world, the truth was the most terrifying thing of all.