It was 1:56 a.m.
Akio laid awake in his bed. He couldn't sleep. As usual. Thoughts were running through his head.
*What if I kill myself now? Sooner or later I'll commit suicide anyway, so why not now? What's the point in stalling if it'll be the same outcome either way? That way Wolfgang can't get what he wants. But he'd probably destroy this organization in exchange, and I don't want my new friends to get hurt. Or worse.*
*Wait. Friends? Are they even my friends? I haven't known them for that long yet and I actually doubt they'd see me as a friend.*
*I certainly wouldn't.*
*I used to have a friend. Though, I don't even know how to feel about his death anymore... Of course I cherish the time we spent together and he was my best and only friend. But... I don't think Shibou ever cared about me the way I cared about him. He's always been my best friend. But to him I was just one of many. And in the end he didn't even care enough to talk to me before he died.*
Akio closed his eyes and tugged his blanket over his head.
*I was worthless to him. I know that now. However, what I don't know is whether I should miss him or hate him for leaving me.*
*No, Akio, that is selfish, don't think like that. It's not Shibou's fault. His life was worse than mine. Unlike him I have a sweet family. And I'm really glad that they would at least miss me. Even though I don't deserve that at all.*
That made him stop. Akio opened his eyes again at a realization.
*Family... That's right. What about my family? Ever since I got here, they've never sent me a single message. Do they not care that I'm gone? No, that can't be right. They've always cared about me. They've always wanted what's best for me. Especially my mother.*
*What if something happened to them?*
...
Akio could feel a cold, uncomfortable sensation settle in his stomach.
*What if...?*
*Oh no... I am almost certain something happened to them. There's no way they'd just forget or not care about me anymore. Even though I never believed in a God, I always believed in *them*. They were real. Their feelings were real. Their reactions were real. Their thoughts were real.*
*There is just so much happening in my life right now, I completely forgot about them.*
*The thing with Makoto's sister... What if something similar happened to my family?*
Akio shook his head.
*No, don't think too much about it, Akio. Everything will be fine. Right?*
He could feel his heart start to ache as he put a hand against his chest to ease the pain.
*It hurts so much, and I don't even know if it's from sorrow or some heart condition, at this point.*
*I often imagine myself being run over by a train, or hanging myself, or jumping to my death, and somehow it calms me down.*
*Death would have so much more mercy on me than life ever could.*
He got up from his bed and walked to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He turned on the light and looked at himself in the mirror
*I feel incredibly uncomfortable in my own body, and I'll never amount to anything anyway, so why should I stay here?*
He looked into his reflection and rolled up his sleeves to reveal some old and some fresh scars.
*To be honest, the only thing holding me back from killing myself right now is the fear of the pain of dying. I've already ruined my life, and I just don't want to live anymore. It could be so much worse, I know, but it's already so bad that I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.*
He then hid the scars beneath his sleeves again.
*Although, I do have to admit... This whole situation is really funny. Not the typical funny - but more of a strange, depressing kind of funny.*
*Recently I wanted to die (I still do), then I got stopped and recruited by a criminal, then I helped to kidnap some guy from another organization, and then I became some kind of currency for the superior people.*
Akio then turned off the light and opened the bathroom door again. He went back to his bed, putting the blanket over his head.
*I should be more selfish for once in my life. If I committed suicide, I'd be free of all thoughts, all stress, all danger, all pain, everything. But... I am not selfish enough to do that. I can't drag the others of this organization down with me, can I?*
Akio stayed put under the blanket and didn't move an inch.
*Before I got here, I was in a school. I had terrible grades. The people there hated me for whatever reason they had that time. Other people my age have already graduated. Or have a driver's license. Don't get me wrong, I don't want one. I am scared of vehicles. The issue is that others have achieved something I haven't. I haven't achieved a single thing. I've always been a late bloomer after all. But better late than never, no?*
*Wrong.*
*Im impatient and desperate. A horrible combination.*
*Besides, I doubt I'll ever achieve something at all. I haven't even achieved getting in a romantic relationship yet.*
Akio peeked out from beneath the blanket and glanced up at the ceiling,
*Oh I have a good idea! I haven't done this in a while, but I want to do it again.*
*Fantasizing.*
*I always dreamt of having a nice girlfriend. One who doesn't mind the way I am. Yes, I'm going to imagine I have a girlfriend now.*
Akio then daydreamed about his imaginary girlfriend. About how he'd cuddle with her, and how he'd let her kiss him and-
"Hey Akio, don't move so much in your bed, the noise is annoying."
Akio then stopped rolling around in the bed, which he did absentmindedly, and looked at Makoto's side of the room.
Seems Makoto woke up.
"Right, sorry... I just can't sleep."
Makoto glanced over at Akio for two seconds, before returning his gaze to the wall.
"Yeah, I can tell. Me neither." A pause. "Are you still thinking about what would happen if you went to that Wolfgang guy? Because if you did, don't."
Akio sat up on his bed and turned his body in Makoto's direction.
"Ah no... I was actually thinking about my made-up girlfriend."
Makoto looked back at Akio dumbfoundedly for a few seconds before responding.
"Are you serious? You're thinking of an imaginary girlfriend in this situation?"
Akio put his hands up in mock surrender.
"Hey, in my defense, you said I shouldn't think about the possibility of being traded."
Makoto narrowed his eyes at Akio but shrugged his shoulders eventually.
"Touché."
Silence settled in the room once again.
Akio stayed quiet but had an expression on his face that told he wanted to say something.
Makoto looked back at him.
"What?"
"May I continue fantasizing about my fictional girlfriend now?"
"Do whatever you want, you creep."