Zac desperately tried to go back to sleep, but every time he closed his eyes, he just grew more and more frustrated. He was so painfully horny, yet so painfully not erect.
"NO!" Zac wailed, throwing a tantrum and getting tangled up in his sheets before rolling right off the bed and hitting the floor with a thud.
If owl dick was that good, what the hell is eagle dick like? Zac thought, face down on the cold stone. If only Halphas didn't get spooked when I walked in on him in the shower... What did I do to deserve this? I wasn't that bad of a person when I was alive, was I? Just because I accidentally uploaded a drawing of King Kong fisting Godzilla to the Las Vegas Sphere doesn't mean I deserve eternal sexual frustration! It was art!
Zac finally, slowly, pushed himself up and looked around. Once again, he was in a different room. The bureau, the bed, and the window were all there, but they had shifted positions again. It was a bit disorienting, but that didn't bother Zac at the moment. He had bigger problems.
He marched to the door and pounded on it with both fists. "BUNE! MARCH!" Zac yelled. "ANYONE! I'M AWAKE! LET ME OUT!"
He waited. Silence. Nothing happened.
Zac sighed, sliding down the door until he was sitting on the floor. How did I even get here? The last thing I remember was sitting in Skarg's lap... Zac's mind fell off a horny skyscraper. Mmm... he was so warm. How is it that someone covered in frost all the time could be so toasty and comfy? Zac wiped a bit of drool off his chin. That Cervidae himbo is so sweet. I wonder if he got my food to go? Or did he just leave me passed out in a booth surrounded by headless corpses?
Zac looked around the room again, desperate for a distraction. His eyes landed on the small bedside table. There, gleaming innocently in the dim red light, was a small bell. It was silver, and upon closer inspection, the surface seemed to be made of shifting, screaming faces.
"Oh yeah," Zac muttered, scrambling over to grab the bell. "Bune said this was the pee-pee alarm."
Zac suddenly began violently shaking the bell. "BUNE!" he yelled. "THE AVATAR NEEDS ATTENTION!"
The chime was ghostly, a hollow, resonant sound that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once. If Zac could feel fear, it would have sent a shiver up his spine. But without it, the ethereal dings just sounded a bit weak. Like a haunted wind chime.
Zac waited for all of five seconds before he heard the distinct click-clack-slide of the heavy magical locks disengaging.
"Avatar?" Bune's voice came through the door, sounding slightly frantic. "Are you okay? Is your human bladder in pain?"
"No," Zac called back, "but my butt could use a bit of attention!"
The door swung open. Bune stood there, looking quite trim and put together in a fresh, un-tattered tailcoat. Zac approved. The solo-dueling dragon must not have had his third head triggered yet today.
"It is good to see you are awake finally," the Left Head said, peering at Zac through its spectacles. "We were getting a tad bit concerned."
"You had been passed out for two days!" the Right Head scolded, wagging a clawed finger. "You need to control yourself around lesser demons. If you had used any more malevolent mana you could have gone into a permanent state of, uh, death."
Zac yawned and stretched, his arms reaching for the ceiling as he casually strolled past the dragon butler and out into the hallway. "I trust you would have just put me back together like Pumbaa or Timon. What's for breakfast?"
Bune's heads looked at each other with grave concern before hurrying to follow Zac down the hallway. "Nock's squires are demons," the Left Head explained, his tails swishing anxiously. "Their souls are eternally damned. There is nowhere else for them to go when their physical forms are destroyed."
"You are pure," the Right Head added, wringing its hands. "I cannot clean off death, Zachary... It stains horribly!"
"Yeah, yeah," Zac waved a dismissive hand, not really listening. "Tell me all about it after I eat my leftovers. I think I remember Skarg ordering me chicken nuggets before I passed out."
Zac's leopard-print tail swished happily as he turned and began to walk down the nearest stairwell, completely unfazed by the concept of his own permanent demise.
"Leftovers?" Bune questioned, power-walking down the stairs to overtake the human and assume his rightful place in the lead.
"Yeah," Zac said, following the dragon's tails. "We were just about to get food when I..."
Zac's voice trailed off. He thought about all the demons he had accidentally killed in the bistro. He waited for a sense of shame or guilt, some sort of negative feeling for snuffing out so many innocent lives. He frowned. Oh yeah, they were demons. Hard to call them innocent. But shouldn't he feel a little bad? He poked his conscience. Nothing.
That's odd, Zac thought. I was worried for Andras in my dream. Even though he is a massive asshole, I didn't want to see him get turned into shark food. His mind, ever reliable, slid off the freeway into a terrible fiery crash. Mmmm... claspers.
"Hey Bune," Zac called out, "when is it your turn in the dream rotation? Because I have some questions about—"
"I am sorry to inform you," Bune said, cutting Zac off as they reached the landing, "but Halphas ate the leftover food in the pantry."
"HE WHAT?!" Zac yelled suddenly, the betrayal hitting him harder than the shame of being a mass murderer had. "JUST BECAUSE HE GOT ME COFFEE DOESN'T MEAN HE CAN GO AND EAT MY FOOD! THAT BASTARD IS DEAD! I'M GONNA SUCK HIS DICK SO HARD THAT HE BEGS ME TO STOP!"
Bune stopped dead, both heads turning to look back at Zac with expressions of horrified scandal. "I'm sure we can get you some Bicorn if you are hungry," the Right Head offered weakly. "It's really quite good if prepared properly."
"ARGHHHH!" Zac wailed, falling backward onto the stairs. He thrashed his arms and legs like a toddler denied candy, slowly, bumpily rolling down the last few steps until he landed in a heap on the floor. "MY NUGGIES! I WANT MY NUGGIES!"
Bune fruitlessly tried to assuage the adult toddler who was making a fool of himself in public for a good minute until a howl ripped through the otherwise silent keep.
"WAR ROOM! NOW! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!"
Zac sat bolt upright, instantly ignoring the dragon. "Wolf Daddy needs us!"
He jumped to his feet, dusting off his onesie.
Bune sighed, but his heads were alert, scanning the corridor. "You are not wrong, Avatar," the Left Head said, "but this is strange. I have never heard the Captain use the word 'emergency' in a summons."
"Everything is of the utmost importance to the Captain," the Right Head nodded, its expression grave. "If he howls... we know it is serious."
Zac grabbed one of Bune's four massive, scaled hands. "Hurry up then! My lupine lover needs me!"
Zac attempted to drag the dragon down the hall, but his footie onesie gained absolutely no traction on the meticulously polished floor. He just skidded in place like a cartoon character running on ice.
"March might be hurt! He might be lonely! He might have his head stuck in the dishwasher and needs us to come and grab his hips from behind to slowly rock him back and forth until he gets loose or moans!"
Bune blinked, both heads looking genuinely confused. "Dishwasher? My necromantic maids take care of the dishes by hand. We do not have such a device."
"Don't ruin this for me!" Zac wailed, flailing his free arm. "Hurry up!"
Bune nodded, his expression turning resolute. He began to walk in the opposite direction with long, purposeful strides. Zac slid along the floor behind him, effortlessly towed by the dragon's strength.
"Whatever the Captain wants," the Left Head said, his voice dropping to a register more serious than Zac had heard without the third head present, "it must be important."