Halphas sputtered, looking like he was about to lay an egg. Zac looked back at Bune and Nock, who were now very much trying to appear that they had not heard the conversation, Bune inspecting the ceiling with intense interest and Nock polishing a smudge on his gauntlet that wasn't there.
"I was promised eagle dick," Zac said through gritted teeth. "How can I trust anything? Is Bune actually a two-headed humanoid brontosaurus? I just got over learning Nock was covering himself with makeup to keep himself from being too sexy, now I have to totally reevaluate the butch dad rankings."
"You are very kind, but everyone finds a majestic golden lion with great hair much more appealing," Nock said, smoothing his mane.
"I am a dragon," Bune said.
Zac looked back at the previously mute demons. "That's not the point! He lied to me! He catfished me! I ordered big buff military eagle cock and I got served something different!"
Halphas looked mortified. "Stock doves used to be totally badass," he whispered, his voice small. "War messengers... but the only message that humans remembered was the one that told them the war ended... even though they carried the message that started the war too." Halphas looked at Zac with ashamed eyes. "I'm the Earl of Violence, and stupid humans made me into a symbol of peace! It's total bullshit!"
The eagle-man turned and power-walked out of the room, his wings sagging.
Zac closed his eyes and put a hand to his face. "Wait, Halphas..." He reached out a hand to the retreating avian.
Before Zac could call out that he was an equal opportunity monster fucker (as long as the monster was humanoid, hot, tall, and hung), a hand on his shoulder made him look back.
Bune shook his heads and muttered, "It's lesson time, Avatar. Time to learn."
"Oh fuck," Zac said. "I forgot about stupid learning."
The atmosphere in Marchosias's demonic library was usually one of oppressive, dark academia, but today it just felt exhausting. The towering shelves of petrified wood and the floating globe-lamps did little to hold Zac's attention, and even Bune seemed unusually distracted, pacing in front of the chalkboard with a sluggishness that suggested his emotional bandwidth was completely tapped out.
"The messengers are what most humans think of as angels," Bune's Left Head droned on, staring blankly at a spot on the wall. "They look like humans and are actually often mistaken for squishy, weak humans until their holy nature is revealed, either by their wings unfurling, their beautiful, resonant voices, or even halos appearing over their heads."
Zac nodded absentmindedly, hunched over his desk. He was sketching out a new drawing with the blotchy quill. It was supposed to be a majestic, muscular eagle to commemorate Halphas's big reveal, but the beak was too short and the eyes were too round. It looked a bit more like a fiercely muscular man with a pigeon head. Zac frowned at it. Still kinda hot, actually.
"Next, there are the Seraphim," Bune continued, not bothering to look back to see if his pupil was paying attention. "They are from the highest order. They are beings of pure holy energy held together by six wings. Two wings cover their face, two cover their feet, and two, of course, are for flying."
"Did the simulacrum look like one of them?" Zac asked, tapping the feathered end of his quill against his chin. "The REPENTANCE thingy, or whatever killed the doberman demon?"
"No. That mechanical monster had all six wings on its back," Bune sighed, a puff of tired smoke escaping his nostrils. "Why something would need three sets of wings just to fly makes absolutely no sense. It defies aerodynamics."
"It appeared to be some odd, mutated messenger," Bune's Right Head chimed in, sounding equally weary. "At first, we thought it might be some hybrid with a Cherubim."
Zac half-looked up from his buff-pigeon masterpiece. "Like Skarg's cute little otter baby?"
"No, not like Skarg's legions," Bune sighed again, pinching the bridge of his snout. "Cherubim are guardians. They bear the divine throne, draw the holy chariots, and stand at the intersection of heaven and earth."
"They are incredibly powerful," the Left Head said, finally turning to look at Zac. "They possess four faces: human, lion, ox, and eagle. And they have four wings completely covered in eyes."
Zac finally looked up fully, his quill pausing. "Four faces? That sounds like something out of, I don't know, some Indian religion. Can you imagine how hard it must be to find a comfortable position to sleep if one of your faces is always getting smothered by your pillow?"
"You learn to adapt when you have multiple faces," Bune said flatly, the two heads looking at Zac with deadpan synchronicity. "And they never sleep."
"Does the lion head get hungry when the ox head gets a bloody nose?" Zac mused aloud, genuinely curious about the biological logistics of a holy chimera.
Bune let out a loud, drawn-out groan that echoed up into the vaulted ceiling. He turned back to the chalkboard.
"Finally, there are the Ophanim. They are quite the unique heavenly existence." Bune's Left Head began drawing overlapping circles on the chalkboard with quick, agitated strokes. "They appear as wheels within wheels, covered entirely in eyes, and are able to move instantly in any direction."
"What," Zac said flatly, dropping his quill. "You're telling me there are angels, fire angels, four-faced angels, and holy fidget spinners?"
Bune stopped drawing. He stared at the chalkboard for a long, silent moment. Slowly, he placed the piece of chalk on the tray. He raised two of his four hands and aggressively rubbed both of his faces, letting out a muffled sound of utter defeat.
Without another word, the dragon butler turned and headed straight for the heavy wooden doors.
"Lessons are over for the day," Bune muttered, not looking back.
"Already?!" Zac cheered, pumping his fist in the air. "Is it time for lunch already?! Oh man, I could totally crush some waffles right about now!"