SMACK.
Bune appeared out of nowhere, slapping the back of Skarg's head with a rolled-up scroll. "Stop teasing the Avatar, Furfur!" the dragon butler scolded, his Right Head looking deeply unamused.
Skarg rubbed the back of his head and growled, shooting Zac one last, possessive glare. "Just letting him know that I'm still the top dog around here."
"As if," Andras's cool, detached voice echoed across the stable. The owl demon casually tossed his whetstone over his shoulder without looking. It struck one of the toga-wearing demons square in the forehead with a dull thwack. "You're about as much of a top dog as a tigress in heat."
Nock abruptly brushed Timon aside and stepped forward, striking a dramatic, chest-out pose. "Have you been smoking strong hashish? Or were the eggs bad in your last meal of evil quiche?" he declaimed, his voice booming across the stalls. "If you are the top dog, then I am the one who holds the dog's leash!"
The lion knight attempted to dramatically flick his mane back, completely forgetting it had been aerosol-sprayed into a rock-solid weave. His armored gauntlet collided with the hair-helmet with a loud, ringing CLANG. Unfazed, he powered through the mild concussion. "For you are not the highest ranked, nor are you a canine, capiche?!"
Nock grinned broadly, looking for all the world like he had just delivered a Shakespearean-level poetic roast.
"And a top fucks," Halphas laughed, slamming the Humvee's heavy trunk shut with a metallic slam. "They don't jerk off alone and lie about partying with incubi."
Skarg let out an ear-splitting bellow. "Come and try me, you submissive sissies! I'll make you all impotent!"
Pure, absolute zero frost violently exploded from the wendigo's body, instantly flash-freezing the lush green vines draped over his shoulders into brittle, icy shards. He dropped his center of gravity, ready to launch himself at the Humvee.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP."
The Command Voice washed over the cavernous stable, sweet, beautiful, and absolutely terrifying, neutralizing the escalating brawl in a single heartbeat.
"Get on your mounts," Marchosias's voice returned to its normal, gravelly growl. "We are leaving."
Nock gave a haughty "hrumph," turning on his heel. He instinctively tried to run a hand through his mane as he turned, resulting in another loud clang of metal on petrified hair. Skarg dropped down onto all fours with a heavy thud, grumbling under his breath about how everyone else was a bunch of sloppy-vaginas. Andras didn't even look back, simply flipping the bird over his shoulder as he turned to pry Goremaw's jaws off the remaining toga demons.
Zac watched them all scatter to their respective corners, a fond, dopey smile spreading across his face.
Oh, they are all so broken and mentally unstable, he thought, his heart swelling with toxic affection. I love them all so much. It makes the hottest demon rankings so incredibly hard.
Then, Zac's eyes landed on Halphas. The eagle demon was double-checking the Humvee's passenger-side door, his broad, feathered shoulders tense. A sharp pang of guilt stabbed right through Zac's icy, fear-blocked heart. He remembered the mortified pigeon dream. He remembered his own cruel, demanding rant about 'eagle dick'.
Zac took a deep, steadying breath, adjusted the chin strap of his evil papal crown-helmet, and walked over to the Earl of Violence.
Halphas noticed Zac approaching and quickly turned away, suddenly very interested in the Humvee's side mirror. "Private Ami, have you checked the lights?"
"Yes, Master Halphas!" the lesser pigeon demon said smartly, snapping a salute before noticing the leopard-print human standing directly behind his commanding officer.
Cher Ami frowned. He immediately strutted over to Zac, puffing out his grey chest to make himself look larger. "What do you want? Do you need to get scrubbed down again already?"
Zac eyed the Private, unimpressed. "No, I just showered, actually. I want to talk with Halphas before the battle."
Halphas's broad shoulders went visibly stiff. Without looking back at Zac, the eagle demon quickly walked around to the front bumper of the Humvee, popping the hood to inspect the engine.
Zac tried to follow him, only to be blocked by Ami side-stepping into his path.
"Whoa there, little Avatar," Ami said, trying his absolute best to sound intimidating, despite the fact that there are very few ways to make a pigeon sound like a threat. "Master Halphas has a very strict pre-battle routine."
Zac raised an eyebrow. "So?" he said flatly.
"You can't just talk with him or you'll throw his whole ritual off!" the private cooed, flapping his wing-arms for emphasis.
Zac rolled his eyes. He didn't have time for this. He took a deep breath. He really didn't want to use his magic after totally exploding the heads of tens of innocent-ish demons at the five-star restaurant, but desperate times called for desperate measures.
Zac narrowed his eyes, locking his gaze on the private. "You can't stop thinking about eagle dick."
Zac felt his tongue go cold and heavy, the metallic taste of ozone filling his mouth as the magic of Ose laced his words with absolute, undeniable truth.
Cher Ami's round eyes went incredibly wide. A silent "Coo" formed on his beak. The lesser demon shuddered violently, his eyes rolling back in his head as the sheer, overwhelming power of the sudden, intrusive thought crashed through his squishy bird brain.
He brought his feathery hands to his head. "COO-COO-COO!"
Ami turned and blindly ran to escape the mental image. He immediately ran head-first into the side of the Humvee's armored door with a loud bong and knocked himself out cold, sliding down the side of the vehicle into a feathery heap.
Zac winced and shook his head. "Don't fuck with me, you twink bitch."
Halphas looked over from the front of the Humvee, his beak hanging open. "Hey! He was going to be my wingman for the battle!" The eagle's voice was a mix of genuine anger and a slightly amused, disbelieving squawk.
The totally-not-an-eagle demon closed the hood of the truck and walked over to Zac, crossing his massive arms over his chest. "Just because you can't stop thinking about eagle dick doesn't mean you need to torture my legion."
Zac looked bashful, lowering his head and twisting the toe of his leopard-paw-print footie slipper into the stable floor. He slowly looked up at Halphas through his lashes, giving the demon his biggest, saddest kitty eyes.
"I've been thinking about how pigeon dick is probably thicker and longer than eagle dick a lot lately."
Halphas's next yell caught completely in his throat. He just stared, his beak slightly open.
Zac continued, his voice soft but earnest. "Yeah, eagles are birds of prey, and they get all this recognition for being apex predators. But..." Zac looked down at his feet again. "Pigeons are the real badass ones. Eagles are going extinct all over Earth because they can't even deal with a smidge of DDT. Do pigeons give a fuck? No. They will literally make nests right in the exhaust stacks of a factory. Pigeons don't give two fucks about the difficulties of living around humans who keep fucking up everything."
Zac looked back up at Halphas, his expression fierce. "Asshole humans are so inconsiderate, and the regal pigeon perseveres. There are probably more pigeons living in any human city than there are actual humans. No way could any type of eagle even come close to how hardy and resilient a pigeon is."
Halphas slowly uncrossed his arms. He looked down at Zac, then away, clearing his throat. "Well. If I was a pigeon... which I'm totally not... totally not, coo... I would probably have to agree with you."
Zac gave a soft smile and nodded. "I just wanted to say, I don't care what your dick looks like. You get me waffles and coffee, and being a huge book nerd is hot."
Halphas blushed visibly beneath his feathers and let out an awkward, rattling cough. "Well, I-"
"As long as your dick is big," Zac continued smoothly. "I'm sure regardless of what someone looks like on the outside, as a seven-foot-tall demon, your cock is still way bigger than the average human's and could totally make me beg for you to stop when you hold me down and slowly grind your way into my-"
"I GET IT," Halphas squawked loudly, cutting Zac off before he could get too graphic in the middle of the stables. The eagle demon's chest puffed out, his confidence returning in a rush. "Next time it's my turn on the dream rotation, you're totally gonna get amnesia from being railed so hard that your brain needs to factory reset."
Zac nodded and let out a long, genuine sigh of relief.