Kian took a second before responding, ignoring the pain that had started thrumming his right arm and the pain in his heart. Xal was right, and he had every right to say the things he did, act the way he did.
"I TOLD you, it's too late, and her body can't recover from what has happened, even if we remove the illness from the heart! And you got it wrong. This thread is just a symbol! Right now, no one on earth can heal her!"
Kian's voice broke on the last word. His hands shook at his sides as he started feeling the core energy purge the residues of the negative energy mixed in with the pain he took in from Tera.
He understood how Xal was feeling. God, did he understand. He'd been doing this for the longest time. Years and years of trying and failing and watching people die despite his best efforts. Years of people begging him, threatening him, cursing him when he said he couldn't save their loved ones.
A normal person would have resigned already.
But he was not normal, and he had to live up to the lives lost because of him. His clan was different. His body was different.
He was different.
The Buddhist teachings that have been a part of him since childhood, Tammy's endless kindness towards people, and his father's way of saving lives were the only things keeping him standing right now.
Acceptance of suffering. Understanding that death and illness were part of every living being's journey, that he couldn't alter fate every single time, those truths were what let him wake up the next morning and try again, and it was what let him help the people he could save.
But there were days, like this, when he felt utterly useless.
The burning sensation in his arm, spreading to his shoulder, reminded him that he had to end this now.
Before Xal started throwing punches.
Before this conversation went somewhere neither of them could come back from.
Before Xal changed his mind to take the job. He was too kind for his own good.
"This is why I told you not to accept the job. You're too vulnerable. Weak! You've already lost someone. Naturally, you'll be reminded of her, comparing her to similar victims, clouding your judgment. I told you my world is a mess, but you keep acting as if you can handle it. Newsflash, YOU obviously CAN'T."
His voice rose with each word, despite his attempts at control. The sunset, taking away the light, gave the perfect condition to mask his expressions.
Every word from Xal fueled the truth Kian was trying to escape, his incapability, his helplessness, his failure. His father could take on suffering from dying patients without even flinching and offer the kindest words with a smile.
Kian still trembled, still blurted the ugly words, still yielded to the burning through his nervous system like acid.
So weak.
Great, the voices in his head were at it.
Shut up! Focus!
It's okay.
It's okay.
Yeah, right. Keep on telling that to your 'sorry ass.'
Useless!
SHUT UP!!
It's okay. You are okay.
✦ ✦ ✦
Kian was wrong. He wasn't weak.
"It's not that I can't HANDLE this…I can't handle YOU, who have already given up. You said all of that in front of that child's mother and father! Can you even imagine how they felt? If it were your sister dying, would you just leave like that? What the FUCK is wrong with YOU!!?"
The words tore out of him, emotions spiraling beyond control. He couldn't shake the image of his sister in that bed, couldn't separate the grief of the past from the present.
In front of him, something shifted in Kian as he shook his head and looked right at him.
His voice dropped an octave lower, deadly calm. Quiet. Cold.
"Twenty-seven people."