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"Welcome everyone to the absolutely first major event of Stardew Valley, 'Mountain Bandit King'! I am your enthusiastic host, Leo!"
"I am the co-host, Eirin Yagokoro. Why on earth do I have to be a host?!"
"I am the designated field reporter, Aya Shameimaru, officially responsible for the follow-up aerial filming over the next few chaotic days!"
"I am the head event planner, Daiyousei!"
This was the incredibly loud, colorful main venue for the 'Mountain Bandit King' festival. The event was hastily renamed from the original 'Do You Want My Treasure? I Buried It in Stardew Valley' simply because the title was so incredibly long it was heavily suspected by the system of padding the word count.
The massive event would last for the next half month. Heaven knows exactly where the chaotic Little Fairies actually buried the heavy treasure chests; anyway, Leo had looked exhaustingly at that massive, overflowing cardboard box full of abstract, crayon treasure maps and felt deeply that it absolutely wouldn't be finished by the participants in just two or three days.
"Next, let's formally invite Daiyousei to step up and explain the specific, strict rules of this event. Everyone, please welcome our Guildmaster with a massive round of applause!"
Absolutely everyone in the massive, cheering crowd was enthusiastically clapping with excitement, except for Eirin Yagokoro, who stood completely stiffly on the brightly lit wooden stage holding a microphone, looking utterly, profoundly despondent and dead inside.
Guys, can anyone possibly relate to this misery? After working a soul-crushing desk job at the pristine Moon Capital for so many thousands of years and finally, blissfully retiring to a quiet clinic, she still had to be aggressively dragged out into the hot sun to host a noisy variety show! Eirin Yagokoro genuinely had the horrifying, PTSD-inducing illusion of performing a forced comedy skit for the upper management leaders at a terrible corporate annual meeting, and she was feeling a bit violently triggered by the flashing lights.
"Hello everyone!" Daiyousei adjusted her neat steward uniform and spoke brightly into the mic. "The specific way to actively participate in this event is to use the custom treasure maps we've drawn to physically find the heavy wooden treasures buried deeply within Stardew Valley. Each person can legally collect exactly three maps at a time, and once you've successfully found them all, you can return to collect more. After finding a treasure, hand it over to Lady Ran at the desk for official point recording, and then you can dispose of the item exactly as you wish. If you luckily dig up five rare gems, you can exchange them directly with me for a high-level treasure map, which can yield premium agricultural products absolutely not yet on sale at the farm!"
"If you accidentally dig up a treasure you absolutely don't want to eat or keep, you can also legally give it to Lady Yuyuko sitting over there for an extra 5 points!"
Daiyousei pointed a small finger to the heavily reinforced 'feeding station' directly next to Ran Yakumo's scoring area. Yuyuko Saigyouji, who had already been essentially, magically vacuum-packed behind a velvet rope to prevent her from rushing the stage, sat there pitifully, practically drooling as she watched everyone, her pink eyes full of intense, bottomless longing for free food.
"Besides the fresh strawberries, boiled eggs, and steamed white rice mentioned in the newspaper leaks yesterday, if you dig up a 'Fairy Kindergarten', catching the fairies before they physically escape into the woods will allow them to give you some verbal hints to help you find your next treasure much faster. These escaping Little Fairies can legally be caught by absolutely anyone, not just the specific person who dug them up!"
"As for the 'Ancient Demon King' trap... if you unfortunately dig up a completely empty treasure chest, you'll immediately encounter Lady Yuuka Kazami, who will violently teleport in. Defeating her will reward you with a massive gem! Of course, Lady Yuuka absolutely won't go for the lethal kill; as long as you physically satisfy her desire for a good spar, it'll be perfectly fine. If Lady Yuuka is currently busy fighting someone else, a cute kitty or Kogasa might magically appear instead, and you can get a gem directly from them!"
Before the massive group of Youkai could collectively forfeit and run away screaming upon hearing Yuuka Kazami's terrifying name, Daiyousei quickly, loudly explained the non-lethal caveat in time. Otherwise, more than half the people would have violently bolted for the Gap on the spot. Me, physically fight Yuuka Kazami?! Are you absolutely for real?! I want to live!
"Those are the official rules. Absolutely everyone can come over here to the tables to safely collect your treasure maps and iron shovels!"
The massive event officially began.
Aya Shameimaru immediately spread her black wings, flew high into the crisp morning air, and began professionally filming the swarms of Youkai who had already collected their maps and set off into the jungle. Her absolute first target was the highly motivated contestant, Hong Meiling, from the Scarlet Devil Mansion.
As a massive, landmark aristocratic building in Gensokyo, the Scarlet Devil Mansion was in a constant, explosive cycle of violent destruction and expensive reconstruction, making it a very hot, topical subject for the papers and an absolutely perfect choice for an opening interview. A Kappa-engineered camera drone buzzed smoothly beside Aya.
"Miss Meiling! A quick interview for the broadcast!" Aya shouted, diving down and hovering next to the running martial artist. "I heard you've been actively coming to Stardew Valley almost every single day to play with Flandre lately. You must be very, very familiar with the local terrain here. So, do you have any specific clues or leads about the abstract treasure map currently in your hand?"
Aya Shameimaru aggressively aimed the heavy camera directly at Hong Meiling's sweaty face. The high-definition footage would be broadcast in seamless real-time directly to the massive jumbotron screen back at the main venue stage. Don't ask exactly how; it's just pure, inexplicable Kappa Technology perfectly combined with Stardew Valley magic.
"It's alright, actually!" Hong Meiling grinned confidently, effortlessly carrying a massive, heavy iron shovel over her shoulder. "Since I often play outside in the mud with the Little Fairies from the Lake of Mist back home, I can mostly, instinctively understand exactly what they've drawn here."
Hong Meiling proudly showed the crumpled treasure map in her hand to the camera lens. It was an extremely simple, horrifically abstract doodle drawn aggressively on cheap paper with thick, smudged charcoal.
(As shown in the picture: A chaotic mess of jagged stick figures, completely disproportionate trees, and bizarre, squiggly lines that looked more like an inkblot test than a cartographic document).
"I can actually, probably guess exactly where this specific rock is. I've definitely seen a weird place very similar to this squiggly line while running around playing hide-and-seek with the Second Miss, and I'm confidently heading directly there now."
Hong Meiling carried her shovel, looking quite relaxed and energetic. At the Scarlet Devil Mansion, she often lazily told stories to the Little Fairies who came to play near the gate, so she had organically become very familiar with their chaotic, childish brainwaves over time. Although the charcoal drawing was painfully abstract, it technically had all the necessary geographical elements and absolutely wasn't too hard for her to intuitively guess.
"Alright, folks! It seems our confident contestant Hong Meiling is perfectly on the exact same wavelength as the Little Fairies, and her destination is very, very clear! We absolutely won't disturb her treasure hunt any further; let's fly over and move on to the next person!"
Aya Shameimaru took off into the sky again, the wind rushing through her feathers, and soon spotted a brand new interview target walking methodically through the grass: Keine Kamishirasawa, with her elegant, long blue-and-white hair, wearing her signature, academic long dress.
"Teacher Keine!" Aya landed gracefully, thrusting a microphone forward. "As a dedicated, professional teacher at the Terakoya, you who usually patiently teach the Little Fairies every day should theoretically find it much easier to understand their chaotic thoughts. What do you officially think of the treasure map currently in your hand?"
Keine Kamishirasawa, a deeply respected teacher at the Terakoya, formally opened a vital school in Gensokyo and is entirely responsible for patiently teaching newborn, ignorant little Youkai how to read and write. She has made truly outstanding, historical contributions to the education sector of Gensokyo, successfully raising the overall average educational level of the realm by more than a massive notch from its usual, pathetic prenatal level.
"My... thoughts?"
Hearing Aya Shameimaru's innocent words, a terrifying, suffocating pitch-black aura suddenly began to visibly emanate from Keine Kamishirasawa's trembling body. The air pressure dropped violently. A pair of sharp, majestic bull horns slowly, intimidatingly grew from the top of her head, and her long, pristine blue-and-white hair began to violently, magically transition to a vibrant, angry green-and-white.
She was transforming into her Hakutaku form out of sheer, academic rage.
"The absolute, pathetic drawings these little rascals made have zero impact on my personal standing in the art world, but they've completely, utterly ruined my pristine reputation in the education world!" Keine roared, crushing the charcoal map in her fist. "It seems their usual, daily homework is far, far too simple and easy for them; otherwise, how could they possibly still draw something as fundamentally, structurally illiterate as this garbage?! It's officially decided—after this stupid event is completely over, absolutely everyone will undergo a full, grueling month of hellish, mandatory remedial teaching!"
Back at the main venue stage, Daiyousei, who was currently responsible for happily handing out treasure maps to the line, completely stiffened in absolute, icy terror when she heard Teacher Keine's booming, furious threat echoing from the massive jumbotron screen.
She turned and looked incredibly pitifully at Leo, her big eyes welling up with terrified tears, desperately wanting the World Lord to step in and bravely plead for academic mercy with Teacher Keine. After all, they were absolutely only doing this messy drawing job because of Leo's strict budget request; he couldn't just completely, heartlessly leave them to their hellish, educational fate!
"I hope Brother Leo will bravely save me! Brother, you absolutely must save me today!" Daiyousei whimpered, tugging desperately on Leo's shirt sleeve. "If Brother doesn't legally save me from the homework, it will literally be the end of me!"
Feeling a bit incredibly uncomfortable and sweaty under Daiyousei's desperate, tearful gaze, Leo completely, silently turned his head away and whistled, staring at a cloud.
Save them?! How?! Teacher Keine's terrifying, unstoppable Hakutaku form had already completely come out! Who on earth would dare go up to an enraged academic and try to logically persuade her?! They'd just instantly get a massive, bone-crushing headbutt directly to the face!
Besides, the formidable profession of 'strict teacher' naturally, inherently countered his very existence; his knees physically trembled just at the mere, terrifying sight of a red grading pen. He absolutely wasn't some high-achieving, genius graduate from a top-tier Ivy League university back on Earth; he was literally just a perfectly average, lazy guy who had barely coasted and scraped his way through a mediocre Vocational College.
Absolutely everything he'd ever learned in a classroom had long since been happily, entirely returned to his frustrated teachers, completely intact and unused. If Teacher Keine aggressively gave him a complex math problem the exact moment they met on the field, he'd absolutely end up crying and being Cirno's struggling deskmate in the remedial class!
"Heh... hehe, it clearly seems Teacher Keine is a bit... intensely angry about the curriculum." Aya Shameimaru laughed nervously on the screen, sweating bullets. "I absolutely won't disturb your lesson planning any further then. Farewell!"
Aya Shameimaru was completely, violently intimidated by Keine Kamishirasawa's overwhelmingly powerful, strict teacher aura. She slowly, cautiously backed up two steps in the grass, then immediately spread her black wings and vanished into the sky instantly, breaking the sound barrier. Teacher Keine in this hyper-focused, grading state was absolutely someone she simply couldn't afford to mess with!