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3rd POV
The room was too quiet for a place meant to extract the truth.
A single lamp hung low above the table, its metal cage casting a dull halo of light that barely reached the corners of the room. Everything outside that circle dissolved into shadow with walls stained with age, metal lockers pressed against the back like silent witnesses, a filing cabinet cluttered with folders that looked untouched for years.
Ted sat stiffly on the wooden chair, the surface cold even through his coat. Beside him, Barney leaned back just enough to look casual but not enough to fool anyone. His knee bounced once, then stopped, as if he'd remembered where he was.
The table between them was bare except for a black landline phone. Old and must be heavy. The kind that didn't ring often, but when it did, someone's life usually shifted afterward.
Across the table stood a captain police officer, broad-shouldered, unmoving. His posture wasn't aggressive but worse than that, it was patient. Like a man who knew time was on his side.
Behind him, two more officers lingered near the door. One leaned against the wall, arms crossed, eyes half-lidded but sharp. The other stood straight, hands behind his back, gaze fixed on Ted with a look that felt less like judgment and more like measurement.
Ted swallowed.
The air smelled faintly of dust and old paper, mixed with something metallic, like the memory of fear that never quite left rooms like this. He shifted in his seat, the chair scraping softly against the floor. The sound felt too loud.
Barney glanced at him, just for a second.
No joke.
No smirk.
Just a look that said, Okay… this is real.
Ted straightened his back, forcing his shoulders to square. He lifted his chin slightly, not in defiance, but in resolve. Architects designed structures to withstand pressure. He reminded himself of that. Pressure didn't destroy things. Not if they were built right.
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"So," Luke said, staring at his father with an expression that hovered somewhere between disbelief and mild disappointment, "when you say you got yourself arrested… you mean arrested arrested. Like, by airport police?"
Ted paused for a moment in his storytelling, considering the wording.
{Well.....}
"Wow," Penny cut in immediately, rolling her eyes with the practiced elegance of someone who had inherited both Ted's sarcasm and his patience threshold. "Cool story, Dad. Truly inspiring. Father of the Year."
Old Ted waved a dismissive hand, leaning back in his chair as if the memory amused him more than it should have.
{Relax, kids. Airport arrest is basically the diet version of jail. Same humiliation, less orange jumpsuit.}
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"This is an outrage!" Barney shouted, slamming his palm down on the table beside Ted.
Every head in the room snapped toward him.
The captain of airport police radiating the kind of authority that came from decades of dealing with idiots, fixed Barney with a look that suggested he had absolutely dealt with men like him before.
"We are international businessmen!" Barney continued, chest puffed out. "On a very important international business trip, and I demand that you release us immediately!"
Ted leaned back in his chair and exhaled slowly, like a man who had decided very consciously to let gravity handle Barney's descent.
The captain didn't raise his voice. He didn't need to. He already has the room right now, let the fool become a fool.
"We have footage of you," he said flatly, "placing two unattended bags on JFK carousel three… then abandoning them to purchase a last-minute flight using cash."
Barney turned sharply to Ted, eyes blazing.
"…Didn't I explicitly tell you to grab the bags?"
Ted didn't look at him right away.
"First of all," Ted said calmly, "they were your bags." He said to Barney with some expectant gaze that says you are a fool!.
Then he turned his attention back to the captain, posture straightening just slightly.
"And secondly, sir, I've known the man sitting next to me for many years. I can say with absolute certainty that those bags are filled with nothing more dangerous than an irresponsible amount of condoms."
Barney's eyes widened in horror. "How did you know?!" he gasped. "Did you take some?!"
Then realization hit him hard. "Wait." His face twisted. "Were those for Anna before?!"
"I am NOT having sex with anyone, Barney!" Ted snapped after hearing that over and over again from before they both took a footstep in this airport!.
"I don't believe you!" Barney shot back.
BAM!
The captain slammed his hand on the table, the sound echoing through the room.
"SIR!"
Both men froze and looked at the captain right now.
The captain inhaled sharply, already done with this conversation.
"We are still assessing the bag situation. As we speak, my team is checking those bags with the bomb squad."
Barney, undeterred by logic or self-preservation, leaned forward again.
"WE. ARE. INTERNATIONAL. BUSINESSMEN."
Ted groaned audibly and cut him off.
"Sir," Ted said, voice steady, "we're both American citizens. You've already checked our IDs with that very professional...."
He glanced over his shoulder toward the female officer standing near the wall and smiled sweetly to her.
"....and very beautiful officer back there. Hey. What's your name?"
The room went silent.
Barney stared at Ted.
The captain stared at Ted.
The other officers stared at Ted like he'd just volunteered to dig his own grave.
"…Um," the woman said hesitantly. "Sascha?"
"DON'T FALL FOR HIS TRAP!" the captain barked immediately.
Sascha stiffened, glaring at Ted again now.
Ted, unfazed, smiled anyway.
"Um…Sascha…That's a very beautiful name, Sascha." He said with the same soft gaze and smile on his face, "And you already checked our IDs, right? So legally speaking, we are confirmed American citizens. Which means my friend and I will now be exercising our right to refuse answering any further questions without a lawyer present."
The captain clenched his jaw.
"I know men like you," he growled. "Businessmen. Pigs."
He grabbed a remote from the table with the same grunt as before.
But Barney and Ted both just stared at him with their mouth opened, can't believe he fell on Barney words!.
"…This is so cool," Barney whispered, nudging Ted excitedly.
"Shh," Ted muttered.
The screen flickered to life, displaying airport CCTV footage.
"For the record," the captain said coldly, "this footage spans several months."
The video rolled.
Barney placing a suitcase.
Barney leaving.
Barney placing another bag.
A longer bag.
A suspiciously shaped bag.
Barney leaving again.
And finally.... Barney himself, climbing out of a suitcase.
Ted closed his eyes, thinking how can this man do something like that. Even that footage ending with Barney smiling at the women who looked at him climbing out from the suitcase!
"I believe you are a businessman," the captain said, pointing at Ted. "A crooked pig in an expensive coat."
Then he pointed at Barney.
"But you, sir, are a suspect."
Barney opened his mouth to protest, clearly offended by the coat comment and wanted to say he is the one who has an expensive suit!....but Ted elbowed him hard in the ribs.
"We would like to call our lawyer," Ted said firmly then looked at the captain with the same hardened gaze. "....Just to be clear, both of us are regular, tax-paying citizens."
"That's right!" Barney added boldly.
Then he leaned closer to Ted and whispered,
"…We have a lawyer?"
The captain nodded toward the black phone on the table.
"You may contact your lawyer."
"Great, Thanks." Ted said and ignored Barney and called for backup.
He picked up the receiver and dialed. "...Hey, Marshall," Ted said calmly. "So… funny story."
Barney leaned closer, listening.
"Yes, I already told them that," Ted continued. "No, this is not my fault. The man sitting next to me is objectively stupid."
"What?" Barney protested loudly. "You mean him?"
He pointed at one of the officers leaning against the wall.
The same officer Barney pointed of course growled and looked at him like he wanted to beat Barney up.
"…Yeah," Ted said into the phone. "I see you here."
He hung up, placed the receiver down carefully, and looked the captain straight in the eye.
"We will now remain silent. Either you open the bags and confirm what I've said… or we wait here until our lawyer arrives."
The captain rubbed his temples, then exhaled sharply.
Waiting wasn't an option. Opening the bags was faster so the captain made the call immediately.
Every move was measured now carefully and deliberately. This wasn't just about two idiots in an interrogation room anymore. A mistake here would ripple outward, damage reputations, spark headlines no one wanted to read.
Passengers had already been cleared from the area. The terminal around carousel three stood eerily empty.
"JFK," the captain said into the phone, eyes never leaving Ted. "What's the baggage status?"
The voice crackled through the speaker. {We're still assessing the baggage.}
The captain's jaw tightened. He glanced back at Ted, studying him one last time, searching for cracks, for nervousness, or for guilt.
Ted simply nodded with calm and unbothered by the gaze.
The captain exhaled through his nose and spoke again.
"…JFK, we have the suspects secured. They're claiming there's nothing in the baggage except contraception."
There was a beat of silence.
{....What?! Are you serious?} the voice on the line asked incredulously.
"I hope so," the captain replied flatly. "Proceed with caution. If anything goes wrong, we're throwing both of these men behind bars."
His eyes flicked briefly to Barney.
"…Maybe a little beating wouldn't hurt either."
Ted and Barney both flinched.
{…Alright,} came the reply.
Through the speaker, hurried voices and shouted instructions echoed, orders being barked, teams moving faster now.
Then a few seconds later…
{Clean.}
Barney exploded out of his chair. "HAHA! I TOLD YOU!" he yelled, pumping his fist. "We are international businessmen!"
Ted shot him a look that could curdle milk.
"Shut up, Barney!"
The captain's hands curled into fists. He looked like a man actively deciding not to commit a felony.
{It's just a ridiculous amount of condoms and power bars,{ the voice on the phone continued, clearly annoyed. {Total waste of time. What kind of idiot does this sort of thing?}
"I'm looking at him," the captain muttered, narrowing his eyes at Barney. "Thanks, JFK."
He ended the call and turned towards the exit.
"You're free to go," he said, already walking away. "Leave. Before I change my mind."
"Thank you, sir," Ted said sincerely.
Barney straightened his jacket, smug satisfaction written all over his face, and immediately made a beeline for Sascha.
Ted didn't bother stopping him.
Instead, he pulled out his phone and called Marshall again.
"Marshall," Ted said, eyes following Barney across the room. "Don't pick us up at the airport. We've been released."
A pause.
"…I'll explain later. I'll call you back when we decide where we're going to go."
He hung up just in time to hear Barney whisper loudly:
"Ted. We're going to Sascha's place!"
Barney grinned, leaning in close. "....This is my dibs. Don't steal it again Ted!"
Ted sighed, the kind of sigh that came from years of knowing exactly how this would end. He patted Barney on the shoulder gently.
"I am absolutely certain," Ted said sympathetically, "....that you are not having sex tonight, Barney."
Barney froze.
….And maybe somewhere in the distance, karma smiled.