While Tsunade was recounting the bizarre, messed-up history of Rasa's family to Makoto, Karura—truly alive and radiant with a warm, gentle smile—approached her two children.
"My precious children," Karura cooed, affectionately stroking their heads.
"Mommy brought you two slices of cake. Just say 'I love you, Mommy' and you can have them."
...
"Well, this scene is actually pretty heartwarming," Tsunade remarked from the audience seats, still scribbling notes for her upcoming smut novel.
"It's a pity Gaara is the Kazekage in our world and too busy to watch the broadcast. He would have been so happy to see this."
"Uh, Tsunade, are you sure about that?" Hashirama interjected, scratching his chin.
"If Gaara were here, he wouldn't just see this wholesome cake scene. He'd also see his dad 'family jewels' getting crushed to death from inside the womb.... and his own ass currently sticking out of a rock."
Hashirama's blunt reality check made even Tsunade pause.
Yeah, walking in on a timeline where your mom is alive but your brother is actively making a customized sex doll of you while you're trapped in a pyramid isn't exactly a great family reunion.
"No, Grandpa, you don't understand that kid," Tsunade shook her head. "Before Naruto beat some sense into him, he was starved for love. His heart only held one person: his mother. As long as we don't tarnish her image, seeing her alive would make him happy."
As for who else would later occupy his heart, that went without saying.
Whether in this cursed illusion or the real world, getting hit with an Exploding Tag Thousand Years of Death tends to leave a lasting impression.
"That's true," Hashirama nodded. "In this timeline, his mother seems normal. Let's just hope she stays that way."
However...
....
"I love you, Mommy! Hehehe!"
Kankuro immediately shouted, grinning like an idiot as he picked up a slice of cake and shoved it into his mouth.
"Damn, this cake is delicious! Mommy, your cooking is still top tier... Huh? Sis, why aren't you eating yours?"
Kankuro was halfway through chewing his slice when he noticed Temari—who usually fought him to the death for snacks—was acting completely out of character.
She hadn't even touched her plate.
"I'm not eating," Temari replied coldly. "If I eat, what will Mom eat?"
Temari wore a chilling smile and handed the remaining piece of cake back to Karura.
Kankuro froze, crumbs falling from his painted lips.
'Wait. Could this really be happening?'
"Ugh! Ah! Fuck, my stomach!"
Kankuro's face violently contorted.
He clutched his abdomen, coughing up blood as he collapsed and began writhing in the sand.
"Hokage, don't come any closer!" Temari shouted, holding up a hand to stop Tsunade, the only medical ninja present.
She glared down at her dying brother like he was trash.
"Kankuro, don't blame Mother for this. The royal struggle for succession is a bitch."
Karura's gentle motherly smile vanished, replaced by an icy, dead-eyed glare as she watched her son choke on his own blood.
"Don't blame your sister, Kankuro," Karura said flatly.
"Your hobbies are disgusting. You're just a degenerate freak like your father. There's no place for a guy who plays with inflatable brother-dolls in the new world your sister is building. You're a walking disaster for the Sand Village."
"Ugh... gah!"
Tears streamed down Kankuro's face in pure despair.
In his final, pathetic moments, his trembling hand reached out toward the Gaara-style puppet buried in the sand.
He hadn't even had a chance to properly take it for a spin before getting poisoned by his own mother!
What a rip-off!
...
Watching this brutal scene of domestic betrayal unfold below, the audience fell into stunned silence.
Even Tsunade stopped taking notes.
"Those two women are stone-cold killers," Tsunade said slowly. "But honestly? I think they made the right call."
The other Kage nodded in quiet agreement.
This wasn't just because Kankuro's face paint was atrocious.
It was because the mother and daughter were spitting facts.
If they were really going to build a functional new world, dragging a guy around who aggressively humps puppets would be a massive liability.
"Yeah, I'm definitely recording this. It's great character development," Tsunade muttered, resuming her frantic writing.
She had initially hesitated, fearing that documenting a political assassination might cause diplomatic issues.
But honestly, Karura aggressively culling her own degenerate bloodline just made her look like a badass mafia boss.
It gave the story flavor!
....
Down below, Uchiha Hikari had silently begun draining the One-Tail's chakra.
Gaara lay unconscious, his upper body gripped tight by a glowing Susanoo arm.
This "wired mode" allowed for slightly faster chakra transfer than just standing nearby, and Hikari was highly motivated to get this over with and leave this cursed desert.
"Menma... Menma... Menma~"
The unconscious Gaara, now feeling remarkably light and comfortable as the beast was sucked out of him, began groaning and murmuring in his sleep.
Half an hour passed.
All of Shukaku's chakra had been successfully ported over to the Gedo Statue in the real world.
Temari walked over, picked up the remaining piece of poisoned cake, and violently shoved it into Gaara's open mouth.
"Go find your boy toy in the afterlife, you freak."
Temari aggressively forced the cake down his throat.
Gaara choked to death on the dry sponge before the poison could even kick in!
"Next stop, the Land of Water." Makoto stretched his neck.
"We won't be tagging along for that," Temari said, wiping cake crumbs off her hands.
"Let the Mizukage guide you. Just remember to fulfill your... promise... when the job is done."
Temari shot a warning glare at Mei Terumi.
"Mizukage. Don't take advantage of your VIP access to sneak a bite of him first."
"Relax, I'm a professional," Mei patted her chest, making a solemn promise.
...
On the flight to the Land of Water, Mei reviewed their itinerary.
"The Mist Village only has solid intel on the Six-Tails' location. Shouldn't we deal with that one first?"
"No, we're hitting the Three-Tails first. I know exactly where it is," Konan replied from the back of the Susanoo.
"Huh? My ANBU have been searching for that giant turtle for years without a single lead. How do you suddenly know where it is?" Mei stared at the Akatsuki member in disbelief.
Konan ignored the Mizukage and turned to Makoto, her face dead serious.
"The Three-Tails is physically connected to a highly dangerous, mysterious figure. This masked freak once contacted the Akatsuki and tried to manipulate us into doing his dirty work."
'Uh... Could it be Obito?' Makoto thought, keeping his mouth shut.
The lore of this world was way too abstract for him to make any safe assumptions.
"You said he once contacted you. What about now? Did he dip?" Makoto asked.
"Yeah," Konan nodded grimly. "He called himself Uchiha Madara. He claimed he was secretly controlling Yagura, the Three-Tails Jinchūriki, and bragged about giving Nagato the Rinnegan. We actually bought his edgy mastermind act for a while, until one day..."
Konan stared blankly at the clouds, haunted by the memory.
"I was pushing Nagato's wheelchair down the hall to get some sun. We passed by that mysterious masked man's private bedroom. And we heard him inside."
"He was screaming at the top of his lungs: 'Zero, I love you! Zero, I want you! ZERO! ZERO! ZERO!!!' "
Makoto winced. "Zero" was Pain's official codename within the Akatsuki.
The specific corpse puppet that Nagato controlled.
"Nagato never in his wildest nightmares imagined that the edgy mastermind of our organization was secretly in his room aggressively gooning to his favorite corpse," Konan said, shuddering.
"Nagato got jump-scared so badly by the loud moaning that he panicked and accidentally fired off a point-blank Almighty Push. He destroyed the entire house."
"When the dust settled, the mysterious man was exposed right in front of us in the rubble, pants around his ankles, still gripping his meat."
Konan sighed. "Utterly humiliated, he sucked himself into a space-time vortex and vanished. We haven't seen the freak since then."
---------
Read 40 chapters ahead and support me on patreon.
patreon (.)com/Newbietranslator