The masked man would rather believe the White Zetsu floating in front of him had completely lost its damn mind than buy a single word of what it just said.
Speaking of which, did White Zetsu even have a brain?
Probably not.
"Obito, you don't believe me? Every word I just said is true! I even brought photos as proof!"
Seeing Obito's sheer disbelief, White Zetsu started frantically rummaging around inside his own body.
As a weird plant-like being, aside from not being immortal, White Zetsu's anatomy was actually pretty similar to an Edo Tensei zombie.
It had an outer shell, but everything inside was basically the exact same gooey substance.
So White Zetsu storing photos inside his own torso was way more reasonable than Orochimaru deep-throating items just to store them in his stomach.
Orochimaru still had to worry about water damage.
Every time that snake pulled out a scroll, it was dripping with gross saliva.
Fortunately, Orochimaru apparently cared a bit more about basic hygiene nowadays and hadn't pulled that stunt in a long time.
"Don't call me by that name. Call me Madara."
The masked man finished his curry rice, using White Zetsu's unhinged soap opera as a side dish.
He slid his mask back on.
His Sharingan gleamed through the eyehole, radiating an icy glare.
Unfortunately, that intimidating coldness didn't even last five seconds before White Zetsu shattered it with a single question.
White Zetsu stared, completely stunned. "Obito, did you fall for Granny Chiyo too?"
"Cough, cough—what the hell did you just say?"
The masked man nearly choked to death on his own spit.
Before White Zetsu could explain, the masked man realized the glaring flaw in his own demand.
White Zetsu had just finished dumping the tragic love-hate saga of Madara and Granny Chiyo, and in the very next breath, he had literally ordered the guy, "Call me Madara."
'Yeah, that could definitely lead to a horrible misunderstanding,' he thought.
"Forget it. Just hand over the photos."
The masked man snatched the so-called evidence right out of White Zetsu's hands.
In the photos, an Edo Tensei Uchiha Madara and Granny Chiyo were spotted hitting up various scenic spots all over Sunagakure—one old and one young.
"Old" referring to Madara.
"Young" referring to Chiyo.
Lurking in the background of the shots was a deeply tragic-looking Hashirama.
Not only was the poor guy footing the bill, he was also playing the role of a glorified pack mule!
"Is that the First Hokage? Why the hell is he tailing Madara around... actually, no, never mind. Don't say a word."
The masked man instinctively blurted out the question, but then his brain forcefully reminded him that White Zetsu's earlier story featured a massive love triangle.
He immediately aborted the thought.
That triggered a memory of the intel he received over the past few days.
Another White Zetsu clone had dropped by to brief him. That story had been just as ridiculous, but the actual data buried inside it was critical.
Uchiha Sasuke had officially awakened the Rinnegan.
It seemed the kid found some busted shortcut to evolve his Sharingan, and his progression speed was terrifyingly fast.
The masked man's backup plan was simple: if Nagato refused to him, Sasuke's Rinnegan made a perfect spare.
Now, it seemed Orochimaru's faction was hoarding more and more Edo Tensei powerhouses.
The First Hokage was back on the board.
Uchiha Madara was back on the board.
If the masked man still wanted to become the Ten-Tails' jinchūriki, he had to cross the finish line before Madara did.
Nagato's base was way too heavily fortified, so he had to lock his sights straight on Sasuke.
Even though the gossip White Zetsu delivered was absolute garbage, the photos didn't lie.
"If it's true, it's true. That's actually good news for me..."
After flipping through the stack, the masked man tossed the photos aside.
But halfway through his sentence, he froze.
White Zetsu had just handed him premium intel, sure, but it was practically impossible to figure out if this weird plant was loyal to him or to Madara.
He was absolutely certain about Black Zetsu.
That sludge was fiercely loyal to Madara, being the literal physical manifestation of Madara's will.
White Zetsu, however, literally didn't have a brain.
Even after putting up with the guy for years, the masked man still couldn't get a solid read on him.
"Obito, you know me! Madara only knows how to forge intense bonds with Hashirama, and now he's out here chasing Granny Chiyo, who's a whole generation younger than him.
But you, Obito? You're a pure heterosexual, and you even invited me to play with my favorite shit! Compared to Madara, I like you way more~"
White Zetsu poured his heart out.
Hearing this touching confession, the expression beneath the masked man's mask turned completely green.
White Zetsu had just successfully triggered a deeply traumatic flashback.
How many times had Kakashi screwed with him in the past?
One time was especially vile.
Konoha's septic tank had exploded, and Kakashi dumped the entire mess straight into the Kamui dimension, blasting him completely senseless right while he was trying to eat his damn curry rice!
After finally sorting out the chaos outside, he warped back into Kamui only to find White Zetsu doing the freaking butterfly stroke in the blast zone.
Now, right after he'd just finished a plate of curry rice, White Zetsu had to go and remind him of that unholy image.
He instantly felt a wave of nausea.
"Enough, White Zetsu. I believe you."
After weighing his options, the masked man decided to trust the plant.
Otherwise, micromanaging everything by himself would be a massive pain in the ass.
"White Zetsu, I'm going to exploit Madara's little crush on Chiyo and snatch Sasuke's Rinnegan. Then, I'll sweep up the Tailed Beasts and hoard as many as possible before he even notices, so I can kickstart the Infinite Tsukuyomi." The masked man laid out his roadmap.
"White Zetsu, I need you to keep a close eye on Madara starting right now. And without leaking a single detail, get the other White Zetsu clones to feed me intel too—"
"No, Obito~!" White Zetsu's mournful wail completely cut him off.
"Why the hell not?" The masked man frowned.
White Zetsu was seriously cockblocking him?
Sasuke's Rinnegan was a once-in-a-lifetime jackpot!
Was this plant actually still loyal to Madara after all?
"Obito, Madara isn't human! That guy is an absolute beast!" White Zetsu suddenly broke down crying bitter tears.
He dropped the "Lord Madara" title completely and just started cursing the guy out!
"What happened?" The masked man was completely lost.
There was really no need to repeat that Madara wasn't human.
The simple fact that Madara lusted after Granny Chiyo was already perverted enough.
It meant the guy simultaneously had a thing for fossils and little girls.
"Obito, actually... there's something you don't know. Your old buddy Kakashi is also madly in love with Granny Chiyo. And Granny Chiyo totally returns his feelings!
"Because Granny Chiyo's son and daughter-in-law got killed by Kakashi's dad, the White Fang, her burning hatred for Kakashi completely morphed into twisted love. She wants Kakashi to help her pop out another son..."
"Whoa, wait, hold up. How did this suddenly pivot back to Kakashi? Weren't you just saying Madara isn't human?" The masked man aggressively cut White Zetsu off.
He was way too mentally exhausted to care whether Kakashi had a fetish for grannys.
Kakashi had been a massive closet pervert since they were kids.
Now that the guy authored a bunch of unhinged smut, absolutely nothing he did was surprising anymore.
"Exactly! So Kakashi and Madara are literal rivals in love. To get rid of Kakashi, that beast Madara didn't hesitate to beg the First Hokage for help. He had Orochimaru resurrect your grandmother just so Kakashi would fall for someone else instead!"
"...Revive who?"
The masked man's expression completely flatlined.
He felt like the intel he'd digested today was already pushing the limits of absolute absurdity, but he never expected an even bigger curveball!
'Am I seriously not trapped inside the Infinite Tsukuyomi right now?'
"Your grandmother."
"..."
"It's true! Apparently, Kakashi has been lusting after your grandmother since he was a kid. The whole reason he fell for Granny Chiyo in the first place is because your grandmother was his original romantic awakening..."
"Shut up! Shut your damn mouth!"
Hearing this unholy garbage, the masked man felt a violent wave of goosebumps erupt across his entire body.