"How they were stuffed in..."
Jiraiya was an old fox himself.
He simply hadn't thought in that direction before, but the second Naruto dropped the hint, he understood perfectly.
"Naruto, you've suffered...."
Jiraiya patted Naruto on the shoulder, his face full of pity.
Even though he had never suffered that exact nightmare, a certain part of him ached in deep sympathy.
After all, Jiraiya never had a Tailed Beast shoved down his throat, but he had definitely stuffed toads into his mouth back in the day!
"Naruto, how about this? I'll go interrogate Orochimaru and see if there's a cleaner method. In return, you help me with one thing." Jiraiya smoothly transitioned, setting the trap for his "serious business."
"Really? Pervy Sage, you're the best!" Naruto still knew absolutely nothing, thanking the old man like a fool.
"Naruto, only taijutsu and senjutsu can damage the Ōtsutsuki clan, so you get what I'm saying, right? We can't hoard this method for ourselves. We need to spread senjutsu. Especially your degenerate shortcut for training Sage Mode. That might become the key to saving the shinobi world!" Jiraiya stared at Naruto with a dead-serious expression.
"R-Really?"
Naruto stood there, looking completely stunned.
He once fantasized about using the Sexy Jutsu to save the world, but he never imagined that beating his meat could save the world too!
"Of course, Naruto. My advice? Before you broadcast it to everyone, track down the people most likely to master it first. In other words, start with the summoners of the Three Great Sage Regions, the original source of senjutsu. After that, hit up the contractors of regular summon beasts... I'll leave these S-rank missions to you, my boy!"
Jiraiya patted Naruto on the shoulder, then vanished without a trace.
Naruto stood frozen in place.
"Contractors of the Three Great Sage Regions? Isn't that Sasuke and Sakura?" Naruto scratched his head.
Jiraiya actually made it pretty obvious.
He was terrified of acting like a riddle bastard and leaving the idiot completely clueless.
So even when he left a little twist in the phrasing, it was minor.
Naruto chewed on the logic for a second and figured it out.
"For Sasuke, I'd have to drag myself back to Amegakure. And Sasuke is currently training with those circle eyes, so he probably doesn't have time to train senjutsu." Naruto rubbed his chin, analyzing the board.
When he first started training Sage Mode, training it took forever.
Only after doing it over and over did the prep time for Sage Mode start shrinking.
After that came the genius hack of using Multiple Shadow Clones, which slashed the cooldown by a ridiculous margin.
Sasuke didn't know Multiple Shadow Clones. Besides, Sasuke's chakra was probably draining straight into those eyes right now.
Even if he learned Multiple Shadow Clones on the fly, he wouldn't be able to spam it in actual combat.
"So in the end, it's gotta be Sakura-chan. Hehe."
A creepy, degenerate smile spread across Naruto's face.
In Naruto's mind, he was doing this for the absolute safety of the shinobi world.
For the safety of the shinobi world, he would spend day and night with Sakura, personally tutoring her in 'sticky' ninjutsu techniques...
What a beautiful fantasy.
'Sorry, Sasuke. I'm one step ahead!'
Naruto happily sprinted into a store, preparing to buy Sakura a greeting gift.
"Oh, right. There's one more. No, two more."
Naruto suddenly remembered that Sakura wasn't the only one training under Tsunade.
There was also Ino from Shikamaru and Chōji's squad.
Besides Ino, there was Granny Tsunade herself.
They all signed blood contracts with one of the Three Great Sage Regions.
For the safety of the shinobi world, Lord Uzumaki Naruto had to pass on the sacred technique of Sage Mode to them!
So everyone needed a gift.
And so, Naruto marched back into the chain ninja-tool shop where he bought supplies before: Tenga cup aka Bottle-kun!
Naruto wracked his brain trying to describe the freaky shit he wanted to the clerk.
After listening for a painful ten minutes, the clerk finally figured it out and recommended several "ninja tools" to the kid.
Naruto chewed on it.
Although his main target was Sakura, he couldn't make it too obvious or show gross favoritism.
Otherwise, those two violent women, Granny Tsunade and Ino, would definitely beat the shit out of him.
"I'll take this one. Give me three, but mix up the colors. One pink, two yellow. For the yellows, give me one dark and one light." Naruto pointed at one of the silicone tools.
Originally, Naruto planned to buy three identical ones.
But thinking it over, if the colors matched, how would they tell them apart later?
What if they accidentally mixed them up? That would be unhygienic.
So the considerate Naruto color-coded them.
He matched them to the girls' hair colors. However, Ino and Tsunade both have blond hair, so he had to distinguish them by shade.
"Thank you for your purchase."
"..."
After paying the bill, Naruto stared into his completely empty frog wallet, and his heart bled.
Naruto didn't even know what an expense report meant, so he swallowed the financial pain alone.
On the way out, Naruto bumped into Kiba and asked where Sakura and the girls were stationed.
After learning they were holed up in the Hokage Building, he headed toward the center of Konoha.
Passing the Konoha cinema, Naruto spotted posters for several blockbuster movies at the entrance.
He couldn't stop fantasizing about the romantic scene of taking Sakura to the movies after a 'sweaty' training session!
"Huh? The guy on this poster looks badass. No wonder Sasuke hung out with Orochimaru once and started swinging a sword."
Naruto locked onto one of the characters on the poster, his eyes lighting up.
Three-Sword Zoro, nicknamed Three-Swords.
Within three strikes, he shall cut down Uchiha Madara from his horse!
Staring at the poster, Naruto's brain flooded with degenerate images again.
...
Jiraiya had not actually gone to Amegakure to hunt down Orochimaru.
Right now, Jiraiya crouched on a rooftop, watching from afar as Naruto stepped out of that highly suspicious store carrying a bag of highly suspicious tools.
Jiraiya stuck around because he was still sweating over the outcome.
What if Naruto actually got beaten to death?
Even packed with Tailed Beast chakra, who could say for sure?
So he hung back.
If Naruto suffered a lethal blow, Jiraiya could at least rush over and perform emergency CPR.
But now, after seeing the specific "gifts" Naruto prepared for Tsunade and the girls, Jiraiya's hanging heart finally settled into his stomach.
Naruto was not maybe going to get beaten half to death.
He was absolutely, definitely, one hundred percent going to get beaten into a bloody coma!
No need to worry about the outcome anymore.
Realizing that even CPR wouldn't save Naruto from Tsunade's wrath, Jiraiya remembered a piece of information he heard recently and triggered a Reverse Summoning, popping straight back to Mount Myōboku.
"Hm? Jiraiya-chan, why are you back? I didn't cook lunch for you today." Shima carried a vegetable basket hooked over her arm.
She clearly just returned from a grocery run.
"I came to beg the Great Toad Sage for a life-saving charm! Naruto is about to die!" Jiraiya looked panicked.
"What? Naruto-chan is about to die? How could that be? Did someone rip the Nine-Tails out of him?" Shima was so shocked she dropped her vegetable basket onto the dirt.
"No."
"Then did he suffer some catastrophic injury?"
"No. I mean he's about to get murdered."
"...?" Shima felt her frog brain stall.
"He went to pitch his degenerate Sage Mode shortcut to Tsunade. And he brought 'silicone' ninja tools."
"..."
"Then his death makes perfect sense."
Shima's old frog face flushed bright red.
Don't ask how she knew exactly what kind of ninja tools Jiraiya meant.
She just knew okay!