"AAAAAAAH—!"
Team Eight barely snapped back to their senses before a distant scream pierced the air.
They whipped their heads around just in time to watch the entire wall of windows on the Hokage Building shatter outward.
Naruto came flying from the office, soaring freely through the sky like a very loud, doomed bird.
...
One minute earlier, Naruto walked into the Hokage's office and found Tsunade doing the unthinkable: handling official paperwork.
Of course, Tsunade herself wasn't actually working.
She dragged Shizune, Sakura, and Ino into the office, forcing the three of them to handle the mountain of documents for her.
Shizune went without saying.
She was numb to this routine by now!
As for Sakura and Ino, Tsunade claimed this exercise would train their "big-picture thinking" and administrative skills, laying the foundation for them to become jōnin and stand on their own two feet.
Meanwhile, the Hokage just sat there waiting.
Apparently, an envoy from a minor nation was scheduled to arrive today to present her with a specially made yōkan.
At first, exactly as the name implied, the dish was a delicacy made with mutton.
However, the people responsible for passing the recipe down were Zen monks forbidden from eating meat, so they altered it into a vegetarian version.
Naturally, the yōkan in the shinobi world was also a vegetarian sweet.
The only confusing part was whether those Zen monks had rocks for brains.
If you remove the lamb from yōkan, how is that any different from removing the potato from a french fry?
At that point, why even call it yōkan? Just call it bean jelly!
Regardless, society deemed the dessert a high-class pastry, though what exactly made it high-class remained a total mystery.
But Tsunade liked eating it.
She deliberately made a rare exception and showed up at the Hokage Building today, planning to receive the yōkan herself before someone else accepted the gift and "accidentally" pocketed it.
However... after waiting for ages, she did not get the envoy.
She got Naruto instead.
Naruto didn't bother explaining his visit.
Instead, he announced he brought gifts for the three of them.
You don't slap a smiling face.
Since Naruto brought presents, no matter how the three women viewed the idiot, they had to at least acknowledge the kind gesture.
And then?
In order to act cool, Naruto straight-up copied "Zoro Three-Swords" from the movie poster he saw outside and performed a three-sword style stance.
After ripping open the packaging, he tossed the items into the air, caught one in each hand, and clamped the third one between his teeth.
He struck a pose that would have been incredibly badass.
That is, if the items he held in his hands and mouth were actual swords.
At that exact moment, Tsunade and the girls hadn't clearly seen what Naruto pulled out.
If he turned and bolted right then, he could have survived.
But not only did Naruto fail to run, he swaggered closer to Sakura, maintaining his cool pose, and shoved the pink silicone tool in his mouth right up in front of her face.
Sakura finally saw it clearly.
So did Tsunade and Ino.
And then the earlier scene happened. Naruto broke through the reinforced wall and took flight.
...
"Shino!"
"Understood."
Shino waved his hand.
Countless insects surged out like a black cloud, catching Naruto mid-air and lowering him gently to the ground in front of the genin squad.
"Ah?!" The moment Hinata saw Naruto's battered, bruised state, she let out a startled gasp and fainted on the spot.
"Uh." Kiba was shocked by the carnage, but he remained speechless at his teammate dropping unconscious again.
"Shino, drag Hinata to the side for now. I'll treat Naruto." Kiba pulled out the paper charm Jiraiya handed him earlier.
At this moment, Naruto's body was covered in deep, painful dents.
The furious trio of Tsunade, Sakura, and Ino had used the "gifts" he brought them as blunt-force bludgeoning weapons.
Kiba had no choice but to pry the silicone tools off Naruto and toss them aside.
"Wait, how do you even use this thing? Just stick it on his head?" Kiba pinched the charm and walked over to Naruto.
After hesitating for a second, he reached out and slapped Naruto across the face to wake him up.
"Huh?" Naruto blinked his swollen eyes and saw Kiba.
"Naruto, Lord Jiraiya gave me this charm. He said it would save your life. Do you know how to activate it?" Kiba asked in a rush.
"Mmm-mmm." Naruto shook his head, groaning through the pain.
"Then we have no choice. Guess we're treating a dead horse like it's alive."
Kiba slapped the charm flat onto Naruto's forehead like he was sealing a zombie.
He quickly backed away, afraid something terrifying might trigger.
What if this thing was actually an explosive tag? Then...
"Woof, woof, woof!"
While Kiba stared at Naruto with intense focus, Akamaru barked and lunged forward.
Kiba didn't have time to stop him before the dog snatched the charm off Naruto's forehead and swallowed it whole.
"Akamaru, what are you doing?! That's the charm to save Naruto! Spit it out!" Kiba froze, then tackled his dog, prying his jaws open and digging into his throat.
Although Kiba usually butted heads with Naruto, he still cared about the guy.
Again, in the twisted world of doujins, Naruto and Kiba formed a surprisingly common, cursed pairing.
"Wuu, wuu, woof."
With his mouth pried open, Akamaru couldn't protest.
In the end, Kiba managed to dig out a wet, mashed-up clump of paper residue.
Kiba carried the slobber-covered scraps back to Naruto, only to find the blond had passed out again.
They tried sticking the charm on his forehead, and it did absolutely nothing.
Now Akamaru ate the damn thing, leaving only these chewed-up scraps.
What now?
"Woof." Akamaru, forced to gag up his lunch, let out a weak bark.
Kiba glanced over his shoulder and noticed Akamaru's fur changing color.
It looked exactly like the reaction triggered by the Inuzuka clan's special red soldier pill.
What's going on?
Did that mean the actual way to activate the charm was to eat it?
Kiba hurried back, pried Naruto's jaw open, and dumped the wet scraps inside.
But Naruto was unconscious and couldn't swallow, the paper just sat on his tongue, making Kiba panic.
Just as Kiba debated whether he needed to sacrifice his own innocence to perform mouth-to-mouth and save Naruto's life, Shino stepped in.
Shino directed a swarm of insects into Naruto's mouth.
The bugs pushed the charm fragments down Naruto's throat into his stomach, then crawled back out through his mouth and nose.
"Thanks, Shino." Kiba wiped the cold sweat from his forehead, let out a massive sigh of relief, and collapsed onto the dirt.
Sure enough, it worked.
The unconscious Naruto soon opened his eyes, sat upright, and found his voice.
"Kiba? You saved me? How did you do it?" Naruto touched his bruised ribs, totally confused.
"It was the charm Lord Jiraiya gave us. Akamaru accidentally swallowed it, but luckily I reacted fast, dug some of it out of his throat, and shoved it into your mouth," Kiba explained proudly.
"...Urk."
The corner of Naruto's mouth twitched.
A wave of nausea hit him hard.
He just ate something a dog puked up!
Could they pick a better time to discuss something this gross?
"Woof, woof," Akamaru barked from behind Kiba.
"What? That wasn't a charm at all? You said it smelled like crap?" Kiba translated Akamaru's words and stared in horror.
"?"
Naruto, who was desperately fighting the urge to vomit, finally lost the battle.
He scrambled to the side, leaned against the nearest wall, and started emptying his stomach.
"Akamaru! Akamaru, what's wrong?! Naruto, get over here and look at this!"
Naruto was still puking his guts out when he heard Kiba shouting in a panic!