It seems as as if everything I do to make varder mine ends up ending up in disappointment but that dosen't mean that I would give up.
Everything else I will negotiate. Everything else has a price I can calculate and a return I can measure. But this — what I feel for Varder, what I have always felt — this I have kept locked in the quietest room inside me, because the moment you let someone see what you want most is the moment they understand exactly how to hurt you
I don't think varder understands what I feel for him, that is the terrible thing. Unrequited love sucks regardless but he probably knows now after our affair.
I think he sees it.
I think he has always seen it and has chosen, consistently, not to name it, because naming it would require him to do something about it and doing something about it would cost him something he is not willing to spend.
