Chapter 135: Reviewing the Date
With a bang, the apartment door shut behind Penny as she returned to her place.
The hallway fell silent again.
Howard and Raj immediately high-fived like it was a reflex.
Even Sheldon, standing nearby, gave a rare nod of approval, looking like a scientist who had just successfully verified a theoretical model with exceptionally clean data.
Then all three of them turned toward Ethan.
Ethan remained perfectly calm, as if none of this had anything to do with him. He had just opened his mouth to make a casual comment when—
On the screen, Leonard suddenly looked up toward the hallway camera and shot it a murderous glare.
"He's coming!" Raj hissed immediately. "Switch the screen! Put on the screensaver!"
Howard's fingers flew across the keyboard.
The laptop display instantly changed, and all four of them simultaneously adopted the posture of innocent people definitely not spying on their friend.
The next second, the apartment door opened.
Leonard walked in.
His expression clearly wasn't great, and his eyes swept suspiciously across the four men gathered around the laptop.
Howard spoke first in an overly casual tone.
"Hey, Leonard. How'd the date go?"
"None of your business," Leonard snapped immediately before turning toward his roommates.
"And Sheldon, Ethan—how could you two help them spy on me?!"
Sheldon had already returned to his desk and adjusted his chair with mechanical precision.
"Leonard, I have absolutely no interest in your ridiculous romantic affairs."
Ethan raised both hands defensively.
"Hey, I'm on your side."
"I'm literally the only person here who genuinely believes you and Penny are going to work out."
"Thanks, Ethan," Leonard said sincerely.
Then Howard ruined it.
"What are you talking about?" he scoffed. "That date was a disaster."
Leonard immediately protested.
"What? No! The date went great!"
Raj spread his hands.
"Come on. She literally said she wanted to 'take things slow.'"
Leonard hesitated.
"…Okay, yes, she did say that."
"But what she meant was probably something like, 'I enjoyed dinner so much I want to savor the memory slowly.'"
"No," Howard said flatly.
"It was more like, 'This fish tastes terrible. I need to go home and throw up.'"
Leonard opened his mouth to argue, but nothing came out.
Raj calmly delivered the finishing blow.
"You're the fish."
"I am not the fish!"
"Really?" Howard pressed.
"Did she tell you when the second date is?"
"…No."
Leonard hesitated again.
"We agreed we'd figure it out later."
"Please." Sheldon didn't even turn around.
"Even I know you're doomed."
Leonard instinctively looked toward Ethan.
"…Ethan?"
Ethan yawned lazily.
"Relax, Leonard."
"You've still got two years. Plenty of time."
Leonard blinked.
"What do you mean 'two years'?"
"…You also think the date went badly?"
Ethan thought carefully for a second.
Then sighed.
"…Let's just watch the replay."
The four of them replayed the hallway footage.
"Look!" Leonard pointed at the screen defensively.
"We laughed together after dinner, we hugged, we kissed goodbye—what exactly went wrong?"
"Oh my God…"
Ethan rubbed his forehead.
"Leonard, rewind a little."
He dragged the footage back to the beginning—right when Leonard had started enthusiastically explaining yogurt bacteria.
"Don't watch yourself."
"Watch Penny."
Leonard frowned at the screen.
"What? I think I sound perfec—"
He suddenly stopped.
"…Why do I sound exactly like Sheldon?"
"Okay." Ethan nodded seriously.
"Now we're making progress."
"Next, watch the kiss."
Howard eagerly scrubbed the footage forward and began analyzing like a sports commentator reviewing game footage.
"Observe Penny's reaction during the kiss goodbye."
"Breathing stable."
"Pupils not dilated."
"Minimal chest movement."
Raj nodded appreciatively.
"I have to say, this close-up angle is incredible."
"Interesting."
At some point Sheldon had wandered behind the couch and was now studying the footage with scientific focus.
"Her jaw remained fully closed the entire time."
"You were denied all tongue access."
"For mating-season humans, this is considered an extremely unfavorable signal."
Leonard stared at him.
"What would you know about kissing? That's not even important!"
"Oh, please," Sheldon fired back immediately.
"The behavioral pattern displayed here resembles two cautious reptiles briefly testing proximity, confirming the absence of danger, and then returning to their original nests."
Leonard visibly deflated.
"That's not the important part," Ethan said quickly, activating emergency emotional support mode.
"Leonard, let me ask you something."
"If Sheldon had just finished explaining a random scientific fact to you… and then tried to kiss you…"
"Would you agree?"
"Hell no!" Leonard answered instantly.
"Exactly." Ethan pointed at him.
"That's the difference."
"Penny still kissed you after the science lecture."
"That means you still have a chance."
Raj shrugged.
"Sure, but that still doesn't explain why you're standing here instead of inside her apartment."
Leonard hesitated awkwardly.
"Because…"
"…I also decided to take things slow."
"And everybody goes through situations like this sometimes, right, Ethan?"
Ethan tried very hard to remember.
"…Uh…"
Leonard completely broke down.
"At least compared to you people, I'm already way ahead!"
Then he stormed toward his bedroom.
Before slamming the door shut behind him, he yelled:
"And remove that damn camera!"
Raj sighed dramatically.
"He was more entertaining when he was hopeless."
"Give him time," Howard said wisely.
"The best happy endings require fermentation."
"Delayed gratification."
Honestly, Ethan wasn't worried about Leonard and Penny at all.
In his eyes, those two were absolutely destined to end up together eventually.
They just both needed a little more growth first.
Penny probably still needed to date a few more terrible boyfriends.
And Leonard desperately needed more practical experience interacting with women.
In simple terms—
one still needed to crash into a few more walls,
and the other needed to level up his skills.
After surviving the entire week, Ethan finally managed to sleep in naturally on Saturday.
His body had fully recovered, and his brain finally felt functional again.
At last, he could officially declare:
The "Punish Caroline" mission had ended successfully.
The mission had lasted a full three and a half days.
One night of enthusiasm.
Three days of physical recovery.
Now it was finally over.
For once, Ethan actually had a peaceful weekend ahead of him.
He was just about to look for a new online game and temporarily waste his life like a normal person—
when Sheldon returned to the apartment.
"Hey, Sheldon," Ethan greeted lazily.
"Done with laundry? Want to play something?"
Sheldon stood there holding a laundry basket stacked with perfectly folded clothes.
His expression was grave.
"At this moment," he said seriously, "I would very much enjoy playing a game with you."
"However."
"Unfortunately, we are currently facing a far more urgent issue."
He paused, glanced around the apartment to confirm Leonard wasn't present, then lowered his voice.
"Ethan."
"I need you to come with me to Penny's apartment."
"…What happened?" Ethan asked, confused.
"Just come."
Sheldon's speech noticeably sped up.
"Security Level One."
Ethan blinked.
"…Wait. I suddenly forgot."
"Is Level One the most dangerous or the safest?"
"Level Five represents complete safety," Sheldon explained rapidly.
"Level One is maximum emergency."
Then he narrowed his eyes critically.
"Also, I must point out that your response speed to emergency situations has noticeably declined lately."
"I strongly suspect this is due to your frequent overnight absences and excessive interaction with women."
"This is extremely dangerous behavior for emergency medical personnel."
Ethan stared at him blankly.
"…That is absolutely not what's happening."
Noticing Sheldon preparing to present evidence, Ethan quickly raised a hand.
"Okay, okay. Fine."
"Let's deal with the emergency first."
He closed his laptop and followed Sheldon across the hall.
Inside Penny's apartment, Penny was already sitting on the couch waiting for them.
"Hey, Penny," Ethan greeted.
"Hey, Ethan."
She waved awkwardly.
"Sorry for dragging you into this."
"Although, honestly, that wasn't really my intention."
"I had a feeling," Ethan said with a smile as he sat beside her.
"So… what happened?"
"It's about Leonard," Penny said carefully.
"Oh?"
Ethan looked even more confused.
"Then why am I here?"
Sheldon immediately interrupted.
"That is exactly the question I asked earlier."
"I suggested she consult Koothrappali, Wolowitz, or you."
"But," Sheldon continued while clearing his throat dramatically, "Penny stated that Koothrappali is physically incapable of verbal communication with her while sober."
"And regarding Wolowitz, we unanimously agreed he would inevitably steer the conversation into deeply uncomfortable territory."
"As for you…"
Sheldon turned toward Ethan with complete seriousness.
"Penny believes you are intentionally trying to set her up with Leonard."
"I'm not," Ethan and Penny answered simultaneously.
The two exchanged a glance.
Then silence.
"I actually wanted to talk to Sheldon first," Penny admitted.
"He's Leonard's roommate and coworker."
"I figured he'd understand Leonard the best."
Then she looked toward Sheldon, who was still standing awkwardly in the middle of the room.
"…Do you maybe want to sit down first?"
"If only the situation were that simple."
Sheldon frowned deeply.
"I have spent insufficient time in this apartment to determine an optimal seating location."
"There are too many variables."
"Cushion density."
"Airflow patterns."
"Solar reflection angles—"
"I currently lack the necessary data to make a rational seating decision."
Penny rubbed her forehead tiredly.
"…Okay. Then just pick somewhere random for now."
"If you don't like it, you can switch seats next time."
"No," Sheldon refused instantly.
"That would be chaos."
Ethan finally cut in.
"How about this—you keep listening while you slowly look for a seat?"
Sheldon considered it seriously for two seconds.
"…Acceptable."
And so he began pacing around the living room like a robotic vacuum cleaner searching for optimal docking coordinates.
"So here's the problem," Penny said.
"I know Leonard… kinda likes me."
"Kinda likes you?" Sheldon immediately challenged.
Penny hesitated.
"I think so…"
"Yes. Kinda likes her," Ethan added quickly.
"Very well." Sheldon shrugged.
"Then for the purposes of this discussion, we shall temporarily redefine 'wants to spend the rest of his life raising offspring together' as 'kinda likes.'"
"Sheldon!" Penny shot him an annoyed look.
"Do you want me to keep talking or not?"
"Of course. Please continue."
Sheldon finally sat down beside Ethan on the couch before immediately adding:
"Would you mind rotating the sofa thirty degrees clockwise?"
"Yes," Penny answered flatly.
She took a breath and continued.
"What I'm trying to say is… whenever Leonard and I eat together, he's always talking about college, graduate school, research projects…"
"So I lied and told him I went to community college."
"I didn't want him to think I was stupid… or pathetic."
She paused before continuing more quietly.
"Then I asked Sheldon about it."
"Even though he said a bunch of useless stuff, he did confirm one thing."
"Leonard and a waitress-slash-failed-actress don't exactly have a lot in common."
"So now I'm worried that if we keep dating, eventually he's going to realize I'm boring."
"Just for the record," Sheldon added helpfully, "the opposite of 'stupid and pathetic' is not 'community college graduate.'"
"And many successful people attended community college."
Apparently satisfied at last, Sheldon finally settled into the single armchair beside the sofa.
"I believe this is my permanent seat," he announced proudly.
Ethan sighed.
"…And then?"
"And then Penny asked me to keep the secret," Sheldon explained.
"I informed her that prior to revealing confidential information, she should clearly identify it as a secret so I may determine whether or not I wish to participate."
"Because…"
He folded his hands seriously.
"I cannot keep secrets."
"And now I possess the secret, while Penny still expects confidentiality—"
"So now we're asking you for help," Penny interrupted quickly.
"Well… technically Sheldon suggested it."
"He thinks you'll know how to fix this."
"…Dear God."
It had taken nearly ten minutes to explain something that could've been summarized in one sentence.
At this point, Ethan discovered an entirely new method of wasting one's life besides gaming.
He rubbed his forehead.
"Okay. So basically…"
"Penny doesn't want Leonard finding out she never finished community college, and Sheldon is physically incapable of keeping secrets."
"Yes," Penny nodded immediately.
Ethan lowered his head and thought carefully for a moment.
Then he turned toward Sheldon.
"Sheldon."
"Do you believe that even community college graduates still end up 'stupid and pathetic'?"
Sheldon nodded without hesitation.
"Obviously, because—"
"Okay!" Ethan cut him off instantly before disaster struck.
"And that is exactly why Penny lied to you."
Both Sheldon and Penny froze.
"…What?"
"Penny actually did attend community college," Ethan said calmly.
"She did?" Sheldon turned toward Penny.
Penny looked at Ethan, caught the meaning behind his expression, then reluctantly nodded.
"…I did."
"Then why would you claim you didn't?" Sheldon asked, genuinely confused.
"Because you said community college wasn't impressive," Ethan answered for her.
"And she didn't want you thinking she wasn't impressive."
"So you preferred pretending you never attended anything at all?"
Sheldon nodded thoughtfully.
"Ah. Because barefoot people can never be mocked for having damaged shoes."
"Yes."
"I understand now."
"Excellent."
Sheldon visibly relaxed.
"Then there is no longer any confidential information requiring protection."
Then he turned toward Penny with yet another question.
"Penny, do you personally believe attending community college—or even failing community college—is somehow shameful information requiring secrecy?"
"What? I—I don't know…"
Penny looked completely lost.
Then she noticed Ethan subtly signaling her with his eyes and wisely corrected course.
"…No. It's not a secret."
"Wonderful."
Sheldon stood up immediately.
"A perfectly productive Saturday."
"You two may continue your activities."
"I need to organize my laundry."
"Bye," Ethan said with a nod.
Sheldon walked to the door—
then abruptly returned a few seconds later.
"Oh, Ethan."
"I require approximately twenty additional minutes to complete my laundry organization."
"Afterward, we shall begin gaming."
"Acceptable?"
"Okay." Ethan gave him a thumbs-up.
Finally, the door closed.
And the living room was left with only Ethan and Penny.